I might be a bitch, but I’m free

If we choose to introduce our true selves to anyone, we will get hurt. But we will be hurt either way. There is pain in hiding and pain outside of hiding. The pain outside is better because nothing hurts as bad as not being known.

-Glennon Doyle Melton

I went to yoga on Saturday! I love the studio. I love the instructor. I love the town, but I hate how far it is. The class itself was above average. I’d give it a B. I didn’t like that only 3 other people were in the class.  (!!!) It was a class of 4. And I got a bad vibe from one of the people. The guy. I’m sure 50% of it was my fault, and 50% of it was his. I was the only newbie, and I almost died when the instructor said to welcome me. So embarrassing.

He was the only one that didn’t speak to me which didn’t bother me. BUT it did affect the vibe of the class. I felt awkward. That is very normal for me. Will I go back? Well, this is the place I used the Groupon for. I have 4 more free classes. Yes, I will go back. I don’t know when. It expires in July.

Overall it was a decent experience. It definitely made me want MORE yoga. I think I’m going to take my yoga mat outside and do yoga on my own and go to the studio.

So much has been going on this month and it just started. May is my favorite month of the year. I love the weather, and yes, some of it has to do with it being my birthday month. Of course. Let’s see. I ordered a new refrigerator Monday night and then found out it was an electrical problem, so I gladly canceled the order.  I spent forever trying to fix the electrical problem myself. Couldn’t do it, so I called an electrician. He was able to tell me what to do over the phone! Yes, it was FREE.

THANK YOU, UNIVERSE!! I am so grateful. Everything worked out. I’ve been relying on my spiritual practice so much.

My mammogram isn’t scheduled until May 25th. How ridiculous. If it were a regular mammogram AKA a screening mammogram, I could have had it done much sooner, but since the doctor found lumps, I need an appointment with the radiologist. Apparently, the radiologists are only there during the day. Don’t they understand some people have to work? I’m so beyond sick of taking time off to go to the doctor. I want to take time off for vacations or to mow the lawn (lol).

Am I the only one who works during the day? What’s going on? What if this is something serious? May 25th??! Okay, whatever. It’s probably nothing. It’s not their fault, I have a hard time getting time off during the warmer months. If this were February, I could have gotten a quicker appointment.  Another ridiculous thing is that I have to PAY for this visit since it isn’t a regular mammogram. Last time I paid about $45.  Does that even make sense? Whatever. I’m actually looking forward to when I can have regular screening mammograms so it can be free.

I have my lab work appointment on this Thursday. They’re testing for iron levels and B12 levels. I hope they can give me my results before I go on vacation. I was going to buy iron pills, but I don’t know if I have anemia or what. Shouldn’t there be something stronger than iron supplements for anemia? I’ve been so tired. On the weekends, I’ve been sleeping more than usual. I’ve already talked about being barely able to mow the lawn.

Gotta go. I’ll be back soon. 🙂

I’m not doing it for the glory

Countdown:

38 days until my birthday vacay

71 days until my certification exam

I have new yoga socks (lol), my new yoga mat and newish yoga clothes. I’m ready for yoga!  I haven’t been to a yoga class in years. Is my body ready for yoga? If I don’t have my period on Thursday, I may go to a Kundalini yoga class on Thursday after work. Kundalini is very different from normal yoga. There is chanting going on. I’m so nervous! I’m not going to the place I got the Groupon from. I’m going to pay for this class because I want a certain type of yoga. I’ll go to the other studio in 2-3 weeks. It all depends on my period. I’m starting to cramp a little so I feel like I will get my period soon and I won’t be able to go to yoga on Thursday. 😦

Time for a Depo-Provera update: Well my period is late, but who knows what late is when I’m on Depo?? Is anything normal anymore? I have no idea. Sometimes I wonder why I bothered with the Depo. But when I can’t exercise and don’t even want to THINK about leaving my house when I have my period, I think I did the right thing. When my period is gone for good, I’ll know I did the right thing.

BTW, Depo costs about $85 per injection. Due to the ACA, I get it for free. But that would be the cost without any insurance. Good to know in case that part of the ACA is gone in the future.

I transferred my high rate credit card I was complaining about to a much lower rate. Yay. I’m still terrified to see the minimum payment in about a month. It should be lower, but how much lower? I’m scared of everything. I’m working on changing that.

I started splitting my Abilify pills into fourths. Unbelievable. I just took my first 1/4 on Wednesday. I will have enough for way more than a year if this works. If I get depressed, I will go back to half a pill. I don’t know if I made this clear in my last entry, but I’m cutting down my dosage, not due to price, but due to the compulsive behavior I believe Abilify causes. According to the experts, cutting back should reduce or erase the compulsive behavior. It also helps that this will lower the cost for me.

This week I…

Music of the week: Nelly Furtado, Ellie Goulding, Grace, JoJo, Miranda Lambert, Ryan Adams, Alicia Keys, Britney Spears

There are so many new albums coming out in April and May. Finally. Last year was slow. I’m so excited, but I have no patience. I want everything now.

TV of the week: basketball, How to Get Away With Murder

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I started two new books this week. Not very wise since I’m trying to finish 2 other books. I started May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness by Gabrielle Bernstein. I’m on day 5. I also started a fiction book. BREAKING NEWS! Sometimes I do read fiction. The title is My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante. I started this book when I got it from the library. I didn’t have time to finish, so I’m trying it again. So many people love this book. I thought what I read was just average, but I’m willing to give it another try.

Still reading:

The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein (rereading – my Bible)
The Tapping Solution: A Revolutionary System for Stress-Free Living by Nick Ortner

I found it interesting when I saw someone use Gabby Bernstein’s name and disingenuous in the same sentence. That person probably just read one of her books and never listened to her SPEAK. I was going to do a whole entry on this, but I’ll just talk about it right here.

Gabby admits to judging people all the time, yet her next book is called “The Judgement Detox.” She’s admitted she’s gossiped before. *gasp*  She’s admits to occassionally complaining. My point is that she talks all the time about NOT BEING PERFECT. She admits it. That is one of the things that drew me to her. She talks about her issues as she is going through them. That is what is helpful.

Other people (I hate to bring others into this, but…) have perfect Instagram lives. I can’t relate to that shit! That’s why I don’t consider them my spiritual teachers like I do with Gabby. She’s imperfect. She lets us know she makes mistakes every freaking day. That I can relate to. I selfishly wish others would learn from her so I could have more guidance. But maybe Gabby is all I need. I also find others are ruthless when it comes to issues they are supposed to help others with. They lack compassion. Some “spiritual” teachers are dishonest, and it shines through.

Other people can ‘follow’ who they want to follow. I’ve laid out my reasons on why I prefer Gabby. See, I can do a whole entry on this topic!

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren planner

planner

Plans for the Weekend: I’m running a few errands on Saturday. I’m staying in on Sunday. I’m going to study and read all weekend. That’s the plan. I’m trying a new thing of mowing the lawn during the week, so I can have more time on the weekends for dong other things. So far it is working, but it is the very early stages.

Have a nice weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

I just want to fight

I really want to get away. I think I just want to go on vacation NOW. A week off from work sounds divine.  I have to wait until mid-May for a week off. I have a day off in April, but I’m going to drop my car off for a tune up and then go to the GYN for a pap smear. How fun! 😉 That could take all day. It depends on how long my car takes.

I just “bought” 5 yoga classes. IT WAS FREE! Aaah! So freaking excited. How long have I been blogging about wanting to do yoga? How long have I been thinking about it? (probably since the last time I took a yoga class…3 years ago?) Thanks, Groupon! I got the email about a $30 off Groupon, so I went straight to their site. One option was sold out, but they had the 5 class option for $29, so I ordered it.

This is where nonbelievers roll their eyes: I manifested that shit! 🙂 Hell, yeah! I do have anxiety about this. I haven’t been in a class in years. I haven’t even been around people that much. I’m nervous about this. I will blog about the anxiety later.

There are drawbacks, of course. The place is 20 minutes away (with no traffic). The one class I really want to take is 30 minutes too early for my schedule. My work schedule is no longer flexible. But I’m going to somehow make it work. That means I’m going to change my schedule by 30 minutes one day a week just to take this class and hope no one notices. 😉 They even have a yoga for scoliosis class! WTF? How awesome. I have scoliosis, but I don’t have any pain, so I probably won’t take that, but there is a small chance I might.

I am planning on taking my first class on April 24th (if I don’t have my period. lol). Yay! I hope this place doesn’t suck. I’ve never been there before. It is a small, newish studio in a very small town. I admire the owners. I would’ve thought “There’s no way this is going to work. People aren’t going to come from the city to this small town just for yoga”. But they somehow made it work, I guess. Great for them!

Depo-Provera Update: My weight is steady. No extraordinary breakouts. No period, but that will probably change soon. UGH. I wish it would just end forever. That’s the point.  I know I have to be patient. In other words, nothing changed since the last time I updated.

This week I…

Music of the week: Amos Lee, Ed Sheeran, Florence + the Machine, Grace, Miranda Lambert, BROODS, Ingrid Michaelson, Lady Gaga

TV of the week: basketball, How to Get Away With Murder

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week:  I think I’ve read 6 books so far this year. Compared to last year, that’s a ton. I finished reading Breaking Free From Emotional Eating By Geneen Roth and Add More Ing to Your Life: A Hip Guide to Happiness by Gabrielle Bernstein.

Breaking Free From Emotional Eating By Geneen Roth was very interesting and helpful, but I don’t agree with everything she says. She says to eat only when you are hungry (what a concept!) and no diets. I agree with the no diet thing. But I and many other people have to eat at certain times for several reasons. So I will never follow her programs because I strongly disagree with that. I think I have hypoglycemia and I need to eat small meals every 3-4 hours. (Well, dinner is not usually small).

Anyway, I was going to pay for her workshop, but we disagree on too much. I do recommend her books, though. Like they say, “Take what works, and leave the rest.” That’s what I did with her book.  This is the second book I’ve read of hers, and I will probably read more.

Still reading:

The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein (rereading)
The Tapping Solution: A Revolutionary System for Stress-Free Living by Nick Ortner

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren planner:

DSCN0301

Plans for the Weekend: Guess what? I’m going grocery shopping again! ROFL. My mom and dad have to go and who has to drive them? So I’m going to go shop too, so I don’t have to go shopping next weekend. This time we are going to two stores, so I’m taking a double dose of Klonopin again. I’m getting stressed just thinking about it. I am taking less Klonopin overall. I feel good about that.

I ordered another clothes rack from The Container Store. I don’t have closets in this house. All I had was one rack (!). I finally have another one coming tomorrow. I may put it together on Sunday. I’ve been waiting a year for a second clothes rack so no rush to get it up. I do kind of want to see all my clothes, though.

I could go on and on. I feel like this entry is so long. I’ve done longer entries in the past. I guess I should go. I do have more to say, and I will be back in a couple of days with another post.

Thanks for reading. Have an awesome weekend. 🙂

my heart is cold as can be

Countdown:

69 days until my 3rd pap smear 😦

88 days until my birthday vacay

121 days until my certification exam

Gabby Berstein has me wanting to do yoga so bad. I need to make room in my house for it. I used to do it outside and I probably still will this spring/summer. But I’m dying to go to a class. Years ago (maybe 7-8 years ago?), I used to go this small yoga studio. I’m planning on going back once it gets warm for real. I’m still in hibernation mode even though this winter was very mild.  I’m not going anywhere right now.

The classes are $18 a piece (!!) if I don’t want to commit to 4 classes a month. So I’m going to just pay the $18 and see how it goes. If it goes well, I’ll pay the$64 for 4 classes a month. Yes, this place is expensive. No offense, but it is kind of a yuppie place. Obvs. But I’m willing to pay. I like this place. The people are nice. However, I haven’t been there in so long. I was there when they had just opened. I hope they aren’t crowded now.

If it’s crowded, I won’t pay for more classes. Simple as that. I’m thinking of going to a 8:30 AM Saturday yoga basics class. Scary! I would normally go to a class on a weekday because fewer people will be there. But I think I will give this one a try. I don’t really feel like I need a basics class because I’ve been doing yoga off and on for years, but the time is convenient, and I’m definitely rusty.

Eventually, I want to do Kundalini yoga, but I’ve never done it before, so I’m understandably nervous about that. I’m going to do it at home first and then take a class.


I’m kind of feeling inadequate over something a coworker said. It’s not her fault. I don’t think. lol. 😉 It was very warm this past weekend, and she wanted to know what I did on Sunday, so I said I spent some time outside with my dog and read. I almost felt like she pitied me or something. Is she one of those people who think you’ve got to have kids or a husband? Maybe. I don’t know her that well. I know she’s a traditional person.

I did much more than reading outside with my dog, btw. I studied, cooked, went to my mom’s house, etc. But the first thing that came to mind was reading my book outside with my dog because I haven’t done that in so long. (I did take him to the park last Wednesday). Anyway, I’m very happy with it being just my dog and me.

I don’t know. It was so weird. But then again, all my conversations with humans are weird. Nothing new here.


No major side effects from the Depo-Provera so far. I do feel like I’m cramping more than usual and I’m not even on my period. I haven’t had bad cramps in about 8 months! I know…lucky girl. I don’t even have any pain medication. When I used to have cramps with my period, I would buy kid’s pain meds (easy to take) every month.

I haven’t gotten my period this month…yet. I know it is WAY too soon to hope the DP stopped my period, but a girl can dream.

This week I…

Music of the week:  Grace, Miranda Lambert, Cheyenne Kimball, Ingrid Michaelson, James Bay, Little Mix, Mariah Carey, Britney Spears

TV of the week:  basketball, Homeland

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I’m so excited to go to the library this weekend!  *geek alert* Yes, I’m getting back into physical books because I can’t find these books electronically and I can go outside and read without any distractions. I don’t take my phone or Kindle when I read outside. It’s just me and the book (and my dog).

I have 4 books on hold at various libraries in the county. I assume they will be ready for pickup on Saturday. I don’t know when I’m going to find time to read these books and the three books I’m reading right now. I’m reading:  Tears We Cannot Stop: A Sermon to White America by Michael Eric Dyson (on page 90) and Gosnell: The Untold Story of America’s Most Prolific Serial Killer (on page 103) by Ann McElhinney. I just started My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante.

I have a great quote I want to share from Tears We Cannot Stop. I’ll include it in a future entry.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren planner –

planner-2

Plans for the Weekend: Well, the library. Yay! I’m also dropping off my taxes to get them done. Yes, I could do them myself and I used to. I’m taking a timed practice exam on Sunday morning. I hope I pass, but I’m not counting on it. This is my first practice exam. I have 3 more practice exams before I take the test in June.

I have to organize my clothes this weekend. I can’t fully do it until I get another clothes rack in a couple of months. I’m going to put all my winter clothes up even though it is mid-February. I believe in global warming. I’m selling any name brand clothes I don’t want (Michael Kors etc.) to ThredUp.

Nothing too exciting. The weather will be nice so I will be spending time outside reading with my dog. Should I not mention that? Does that make me sound pathetic? I’m joking. Sort of.

Have a nice weekend and thanks for reading! 🙂

nothin but time

Recently when it was 50 degrees, I decided to go out on my patio for the first time. It was so nice but then I saw IT. My next door neighbor has bedroom windows right above my patio!!! Her bedroom is directly above my dining room AKA office. I knew I could hear her moving around but I thought it was nuts to even think someone was really over my head considering I live in a townhouse. I feel like they got over on me…big time. The main reason I wanted to live in a townhouse is because I thought it would be quieter than a regular apartment and I would have no one below or above me. SIGH. Despite that, I love that my patio faces the woods. It was so nice and quiet.

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I may be watching my final NFL game this Sunday. I can’t continue to know players are committing suicide and getting ALS while playing a game I watch for pure enjoyment. It is fitting that my last game will be Ray Lewis’ last game. Ever since he has been playing, I have been a fan of the game. But how can I not care how the Baltimore Ravens are doing? I will know. I listen to sports radio (not as much as I used to). I will know but I won’t watch.

Giving up college football will be harder. Much harder. I can’t say I’m giving that up…yet. All summer long, I can’t wait for college football to start. I know I can do it but do I want to? Eventually I know I will give it up all together but the thought of not watching Virginia Tech play football is surreal.

I could just dedicate my life to watching basketball. 😉 Too bad it doesn’t start until October though.

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I went to my second water aerobics class. I really do love the water. I’m not sold on learning to swim yet. I’ve seen the lessons and anyone can watch you! Parents watch their kids. There are classes going on. Random swimmers are swimming around. ARGH. I have a fear of putting my face under water. I don’t want a lot of people to see that. Anyway, water aerobics is fun. The only thing I didn’t like was having to hold someone’s hand for one exercise (for resistance). Awkward. Trust me I am almost thinking about not going back to her class because of that. But I will be daring and go at least once more.

I stayed in 4 feet of water this time. I think the water shoes really helped. I was less worried about slipping and drowning. I have these shoes. So far so good but I’m not an expert.

The Y is giving me until February 9th to get my 2011 taxes in. I’m thankful for the extension. I just will be shocked if I get my taxes back by then. I will continue to enjoy the Y while I can. Right now my gym schedule is looking like this:

Sunday: Gentle yoga/or Vinyasa Yoga

Tuesday: Water aerobics (not really called that. It is a moderate impact class)

Thursday: the treadmill

I’m not thrilled about Thursdays but I can’t find any classes. A class is like an appointment. I can do that but just going to the gym to get on the treadmill…boring! After 10 minutes I get so bored. I don’t know how I will motivate myself to go. I have to find a class. There is a pilates class but my body does not like pilates. At all.

Now that I’ve gone back to yoga classes, I yearn to do it at home all the time. The video below is my favorite routine:

I like yoga classes but there is a little self consciousness there. It is hard for me to get in the flow. On the other hand, I need to attend classes to practice at home. So classes it is. I’m still searching for the perfect class. I haven’t tried Vinyasa yoga at this gym yet. I’m worried it will be too hard but I might try this Sunday. Gentle yoga I can do.

I could do water aerobics everyday. 🙂 But I only have 2 bathing suits. LOL. And I only like one of them. Nah, the real reason is that I’m not that brave to try different water aerobics classes.

Bleeding Out

Have you noticed a slight change in my mood? Well I have been taking Abilify for 2-3 weeks straight which is sort of a record. The last time I took it daily was when I was suicidal about 2 years ago. What would I do without Abilify? I hope I don’t have to find out anytime soon. I have also gotten my appetite back so I won’t be 105lbs again. :/ Abilify always increases my appetite.

But all isn’t well or anything. I’m just trying to navigate my new life since I’ve moved. I’m off today. YAY! Yesterday was super disappointing. Let me tell you about my worst ever yoga experience. I will not be going back to her class. The only semi-good thing was that I attempted a head stand. I could have done it if I weren’t terrified. The blood rushing to my head felt sooo good though. But I’m scared of doing flips etc so I thought I might fall over.

The class just isn’t a good fit for me. The #1 thing I want from a yoga class is relaxation. Sure I want the other stuff too but relaxation is a must and this instructor didn’t seem to give a damn about that. Between that and her not showing most of the poses….UNLIKE.

Now I’m worried about whether joining the Y was a good choice. I can go to any Y (for now) but this gym is 5 minutes from my place. Nothing is that close to me besides a Kroger. (side note: Kroger is my weakness. I haven’t been in over a week. Yay me). Soooooooo…..I will try water aerobics there only because I got to see the pool during the gym tour. I don’t feel comfortable going to a new Y and trying water aerobics for the first time.

I brought my first EVER swimsuit yesterday. It took visits to 5 stores before I could find a swimsuit. Even the sporting goods store didn’t have any. I could not find water shoes and I’m worried about the bottom of the pool being slippery. I’m just full of anxiety, aren’t I? But at least I have a bathing suit and I’m going to attempt going to a class on Tuesday or Wednesday.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about yoga. I will probably drive 15 minutes to another Y. My therapist prescribed yoga for me (for my PTSD). I will try as many classes as possible until I find one. I will try doing yoga from videos or from an app…but that requires feeling free in my apartment. Not happening right now.

Speaking of apps: I am not returning my iPad. It is so unnecessary but also useful. I found the perfect planner app. It is called Opus Domini. It is awesome.

I Ain’t the Same

…but when we ridicule and marginalize mentally ill people, actual innocent people get killed.

Lindy West (source)
—————
What is wrong with me? I spent more money on my aquatic buddies. I brought a bigger home for my frogs. It’s the impulsiveness that bothers me. Why did I have to go buy the stuff yesterday? Why couldn’t I wait until Saturday. I am going to that store on Saturday. Why didn’t I just wait? (pics and more at the bottom of this post).

Ugh. And then I made a B on my first test. 😦 😦 A freaking B. Not just any B but an 80. 😦 I was so bummed over that. Unless I want a C in this class, I’m going to have to participate. Let’s see how that goes. It has never gone well in the past. I’m not saying I will…just that I will try very hard. :/

One of my secret wishes is to go back to a university and live on campus. LOL. But even though I’m older, I don’t feel like I would be different than when I first went. I would probably be slightly more confident but I’m not sure I would make any friends. But I would get a chance to major in something different. (I’m still not sure what. I have a lot of interests. I would probably leans towards biology, horticulture, jewelry making or something else. See, I’m confused).

I was thinking of all my professors and the class participation thing. And I noticed that all of my psychology professors knew I had social anxiety (DUH!) within the first two weeks of class. On the other hand my business professors were totally clueless. My philosophy professor just thought I was weird. He would always stare at me whenever I was near other humans. LOL. The psych professors empathized and probably pitied me. She’ll never get anywhere if her social anxiety is that bad. But I NEVER got a break from them. In fact I had to go to summer school because one of my psych teachers knew I had SA and told me to skip part II of his class because presentations were a requirement.

I couldn’t graduate with my class due to that. I had to go into more debt just to take one more class. I had no financial aid left. So I used my credit card for most of it.

Class participation and group work sucks. That was the point of the above. I usually do okay with group work, I just hate it because it is easy for the louder people to just take over. But my last experience went okay.

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I went to my new yoga class. The good thing is that I want to go back for my nine other classes. It didn’t completely freak me out. It would have went perfectly if it weren’t for the mirrors! But I knew in advance that this studio had mirrors. I hate the freaking mirrors. I don’t want to stare at myself or others. HATE THEM. Anyhow, it’s funny how welcoming instructors are when they need people in their class. It isn’t full. If people drop out, they could cancel our class. So we are needed. She is a substitute yoga instructor. She would really like to keep this gig ifyouknowwhatImean.

She is a good instructor. She has only been teaching for a year. I can tell she is passionate about teaching yoga. I had no problems with her until she told me to smile. ARGH! Do you know how often “we” hear that??! I was too anxious to smile. I was frowning more than usual because I could see myself and my neighbor in the damn mirror. Yes, even in yoga, I can’t let go. Well sometimes I can. But with the freaking mirrors, I’m not sure that will be happening anytime soon. I really need to work on my triangle pose. For some reason I suck at that.

Triangle pose

But at least I’m going back. It was relaxing and strength building at the same time.
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OMG my frogs had me freaking out today. I put them in their new home. They could not get to the top to breathe. I thought they were going to drown and it would be all my fault for getting them a bigger tank. It took them 20 minutes to figure out how to swim to the top but they did it. WHEW. I hope they acclimated to their new home. I’m still worried. Moving them was easy. Both got into the net easily.

Here is a pic of their new 1 gallon tank:

new home for M&M

Unfortunately that plant is fake. I might get them something real later on.

This is a closeup of the frogs while they were freaking out:

frogs – M & M

I hope they like their new home. I can’t tell. They are currently swimming around like crazy (video soon!). I hope that means they like it and aren’t trying to escape.

In fish news, my betta (Sky) isn’t eating. 😦 He puts the food in his mouth and spits it right out. I’ve tried 3 types of food and 1 treat. This seems to be a somewhat common problem with betta fish. Sigh. I don’t know what to do…But otherwise he seems healthy. (???)