I’m still a dreamer

This entry is going to be about my mom, and I haven’t typed much, and I already feel bad. This is going to be a judgemental entry. I’m judging her behavior. I’m just acknowledging my judgment. I know she’s my spiritual assignment and blah, blah. I was going to come here with my guns blazing and say she’s this and that. But I’ve since done my spiritual work (mainly A Course in Miracles), and I don’t even want to do this entry anymore.

But anyway…

This goes back to my birthday vacation and how different we are. On the first day, I thought, “Oh no! I’m so screwed”. But it actually all worked out. It wasn’t a bad trip at all. On the day we arrived, I wanted to go out to the local beach. She wanted to stay in. I couldn’t believe it. But I know her.

She would rather stay in on vacations and WATCH TV. I kid you not. We are so different. Like I said this end up being a good thing, but at the time, this kind of sucked. I was beating myself up for not going out by myself.

I just have to keep this in mind whenever we go on vacation together. My dog saved the trip too. Thank god he was there. 😉 Next year I don’t think we are going on vacation because I’m not sure I will able to afford Kripalu and a beach vacation. BUT if I can afford both, I will do it. We might do two nights at the beach for my birthday, and then I can do Kripalu with Gabby Bernstein in June or July.

Kripalu is so expensive because I want my own room. After being around people all day, I will want my own room. I’m an introvert after all. But I am considering a dorm or a roommate situation if I have to.

LOL. This entry was supposed to be a bashing entry, but I’m not even worried or concerned about it anymore. I’m over it.

I hate Depo-Provera right now, but I know it is teaching me patience OR it could be teaching me just to deal with my period and don’t try to stop it. Sigh. I don’t know which one it is. Should I stop the Depo after only two injections? Then what was the point of all this? I don’t want to give up just yet. The only side effect I have is a heavier and longer period, btw. bleh.

I wish I could try TMS therapy for depression. I already know of a doctor that can do it. But the insurance company won’t pay for it because I don’t fit ALL the criteria. I have been diagnosed with major depression (that’s good for insurance purposes). However, there are so many hoops. I think I’m going to ask my doctor about it next time I see him in June.

I’m not taking Abilify anymore after I run out of what I have (sometime in 2018 if it doesn’t expire before then) so I need to do something. I either need a new anti-depressant, or I need TMS. I don’t think any of the anti-depressants on the market will work for me. 😦 I know that’s the wrong attitude to have. Ideally, I would love not to take anything for depression or anxiety. But I tried that recently and it didn’t work.

I’m not giving up on not taking any meds. Nor am I 100% sure I want to go med-free. I’m currently researching so I can know what to do in 2018 when I run out of Abilify.


B-day vacay 2017

I’m back. Obvs. I don’t know where to begin. I took tons of pics, but a lot of them are repetitive. I wish I could say my dog was 100% good, but there was one issue. He messed up the front door of the cabin! He tore some of the siding (???) off. I don’t know if they will charge me for it. I pray they don’t. Seriously. It doesn’t affect how the door works. It just looks bad in one little spot. That is the only thing he did. Otherwise, he was an angel.

This was my view from my eating spot:


Isn’t it gorgeous? I especially loved eating breakfast out there. Nothing beats that view in the morning. Btw, I love eating outside and will do that any chance I get.

We went out to eat for my birthday. We ate outside on the patio. Here’s the view:


The picture really doesn’t do it justice. I love water. The food was great. I had a bacon cheeseburger. 🙂

Here is a pic of the cabin’s living room:


I meant to take more pics of the inside of the cabin. The cabin was very nice. I’m used to staying in the one bedroom, so this cabin was huge to me.

We went to the beach. It took forever to get there because the GPS wouldn’t put me on the highway. But it was worth it.


There is also a mini beach at the state park. I went there twice with my dog. Here is my favorite pic of the state park’s beach:


I meditated out there on Thursday. It was heavenly. If only I could always meditate on a beach.

Here are a few more random pics of my dog:

DSCN0418 (3)

DSCN0397 (2)

Overall, the trip was a blast. My mom and I are so different. That almost cause friction. But I should know how she is and plan accordingly. I plan on blogging about this more. It was a spiritual test for sure, and I barely passed. Even though it was a vacation week, I have to end this entry with…

This week I…

Music of the week: Lea Michele, Britney Spears, Joseph, Chris Stapleton, Rachel Platten, Ellie Goulding, Hailee Steinfeld, India.Arie

TV of the week:  Pretty Little Liars

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished reading  Night by Elie Wiesel and May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness by Gabrielle Berstein.

Still reading  A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson,  A Course in Miracles and  A Course in Miracles Made Easy: Mastering the Journey From Fear to Love by Alan Cohen.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: I need to get serious about studying for my certification exam. I’m retaking a practice exam because I don’t know what else to do to prepare this weekend. I’m cleaning my house on Saturday, and I’m going to try to dog proof it more. He is such a high jumper. He can reach almost everything. That’s a big problem.

Have a nice weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Asheville trip

UGH!!!! I left my digital camera in that damn robe they provided at the cabin! I was checking for stupid chargers and NOT something important like a freaking camera. My fault. I did upload some pics to my computer, so I have some pics and videos from Asheville. But cute pics of my dog and things like that are gone. 😦 oh well. I’m thinking about getting this Nikon camera. I really want a camera for the Ellie Goulding concert, but I don’t need one. ANYWAY…

The animals greeting us at the cabin

I think I can sum all three days up in one post. I enjoyed Asheville, but I didn’t get to do all the things I wanted. I planned this trip as a solo trip. I plan non-solo trips completely different. So that had a lot to do with why this trip was a B and not an A or B+.

Let’s talk about the good stuff first. The hot tub was a winner. I got into it daily and sometimes more than once a day. It was the only alone time I had, so I cherished it. I read and drank alcohol 😉 while in it.

The hot tub and the view from it


The cabin was THE BEST. There were chickens, donkeys, goats, fish, and horses.

The queen bed – and where I slept


The best outing was the Biltmore mansion. I walked 5 miles that day (with no major foot pain!), and I didn’t even do everything. We toured all 43 rooms of the mansion, toured a little of the gardens, and did the wine tasting. I still don’t get the appeal of wine, but I’m glad I did the tasting. I tasted only four wines because I was driving.

Biltmore mansion

We ate at a lot of local places. I can’t remember all the names. But I had pancakes at The Local Joint in Fairview (A++). I also had a tuna sandwich from Woolworth’s in downtown Asheville. (A). Nothing I saw mentioned the Woolworth’s as a good place to visit, but I highly recommend it. It’s not only a restaurant. It is also an art gallery with superb art.

The cons of Asheville include the price of things. I thought Vegas was bad. The tour of Asheville is $26 per adult. Vegas was cheaper. We only got off and on once. I did enjoy learning about Asheville, but this was one of the things that would have been better to do alone. My mom and I are not on the same page when it comes to stuff like this. I did get to see downtown, so that was cool.

I didn’t get to drive much of the Blue Ridge Parkway because we had a flat tire that morning. It’s a long story. The point is that it made us late for everything on Thursday.

Would I go back to Asheville? Yes. Will I go back soon? Probably not. Next year I’m planning to go to Surry County, VA (again) for my birthday with my mom and my dog. Yay, my dog gets to come! Surry County is an hour away from Virginia Beach so we’ll get to go to the beach also. I used to go to the beach all the time, but I haven’t been there in about 3 years. We’re going to stay in a 2 bedroom cabin at a state park. It is much cheaper than going to Asheville.

The end.

P.S I just ordered the camera from Amazon!!! Ahh! It’s sad that I consider a camera a “need.” It’s going to be delivered to my mom’s house today (Yes, on a Sunday). I probably won’t pick it up until later this week. Here is a pic of it:

The only things I don’t like about it (without even using it) is that it doesn’t have a touch screen like my previous camera and it looks a bit too professional. What if I can’t get into concerts with it? hmmm. AND the HD video is only 720p. My last camera took 1080p HD videos. I should have just ordered the same camera. Why didn’t I? ugh.

not everything ending in war

My cousin (once removed) died Sunday night. She had a brain tumor. All she wanted to do was to make it to college. She didn’t say she wanted to graduate. She just wanted to make it there. That was her dream. She didn’t even make it to senior year of high school. 😦

I see all these deaths and illnesses. It’s making me all carpe diem. Seize the fucking day.  And don’t let people make you feel bad about your life choices. They don’t know what’s in your bank account or any “hidden” illnesses. OR ANYTHING. Screw that shit.

I booked the cabin in Asheville. Yes, that’s crazy. CRAZY. It’s not the smartest financial decision, but I’m going to take the chance in 2016. I have the week of my birthday off. I booked the cabin for that Tuesday through Friday morning. Three nights.

That means the treadmill is definitely out of the picture. I might get one in 2017 or never. Anyway, the cabin is only 500 sq feet. By looking at the pics (down below), I thought it would be bigger. It is smaller than the state park cabin I usually visit.

Here are the pics of where I will be staying five months from now:


View from the hot tub on the porch.  I’ve never been in a hot tub. I do plan on using this one. I had one in Vegas. I just used it to soak my feet.


The kitchen. I am bringing food from home. I am only eating out once. (At the Biltmore Mansion).


Yes, it comes with a washer and dryer. Definitely using that since I don’t have one at home.


Small, cozy bedroom w/a queen size bed.


The patio.

I’ll have more of my pics to post once I go there. I can’t wait to go to the Biltmore Mansion!! I had no idea it was so expensive, though. 😦 I have to do research on what other things I want to do. Trip Advisor, here I come.

I still can’t believe I booked it. **shakes head** What is wrong with me? Rhetorical question.

Tell ’em that is my birthday


Things happened while I was away (no shit) . I had very limited internet access and basically no TV. I’m bummed I missed a few NBA playoff games. But I had a great, relaxing time at the cabin. My dog was awesome!! He was perfectly behaved. We had a blast. My right leg is still sore either from the dancing or all the walking.

my dog on
my dog on “beach”

This is the area near the cabin where I spent most of my time walking:


The one bedroom cabin I stayed in. A female slave used to live here:


We (my dog and I) went to the beach two mornings. We were there alone on Friday for over an hour. On Thursday there was another family there but most of the time it was just us. I love non-peak season!

beach porn
beach porn
Love this place
Love this place

Here is a pic of the bedroom. I didn’t sleep one night in there. I slept on the sofa in the living room.

the bedroom
the bedroom

I went on a tour of the mansion on the property. AWKWARD. All of my social situations are awkward but how am I supposed to know what requires talking and what doesn’t? It could have been worse. I could have been the only person there. Luckily I saw another family coming and I said, “Someone else is here”. We waited for them so I wouldn’t have to be alone. I could tell the tour guide was a talker and I was getting anxious. I don’t know. All of my social interactions are cringe worthy moments. I’ll just leave it at that. Oh, the mansion was nice but I thought we would be able to see more. The tour guide knew everything about the owners. Nice history lesson.

Great time. I’m glad to be back though.

Nutrisystem update: I’m not supposed to weigh myself until Monday to see how much I’ve lost in 7 days. But I sneaked on the scale today. I’ve lost about 2 and 1/2 pounds. I’ll see the real number on Monday morning. This is a pic of a typical NS dinner. It is NS vegetable lasagna (very good) and my broccoli. I’m eating broccoli everyday for dinner. I hope I don’t get sick of it.

vegetable lasagna
vegetable lasagna

I pretty much love all the pasta dishes. Shocking. I’m going to miss NS food but not the sodium. I’m not drinking enough water. I think I would have lost 4-5 pounds if I drank even just 4 glasses of water a day but ugh, I hate plain water. I ran out of sparkling water and the Dasani drops don’t really do it for me. I suck at drinking water. Always have.

I got a very special gift for my birthday:

Stuart Scott's book
Stuart Scott’s book

I don’t want to read it. I cried for days after Stuart Scott passed. How will I ever get through this book? Right now I have 2 library books to read so I can’t touch this book. I admire that man so much. 😦

Sometimes the shadow wins

Do I even have to say AWKWARD? Hello! It’s me and a social situation. Of course it was awkward. I went to the Good Friday event and I didn’t die or anything but it was very uncomfortable. People and I are just not meant to be together…ever! The good thing is that it only lasted an hour. I guess it is what normally happens in Christian churches for Good Friday. But since I’ve never been to one, I wouldn’t know. People kept asking “Are you a visitor”? Is that code for something? LMAO. Sorry. Ugh, I was that person playing on her phone while waiting for the meeting to begin. I was so nervous. At least it is over now. I was the first person out the door as soon as the meeting was over. I kid you not.

All is well that doesn’t kill you. That is the saying, right? AND the lady who invited me wasn’t even there! %$#% Whatevs. She’ll say she was sick.


I’m thinking about taking my dog with me to the cabin. Some of the reasons for NOT taking him are purely selfish. I want to dance for 2-3 hours a day (if not more). Will he get in the way? Will he let me dance? I can’t dance at home so this was going to be my chance to do my favorite thing. The other reason for not taking him include: what if he uses the bathroom in the cabin? Do they have something I can clean with like a mop? I can’t remember. And the main reason is his new car phobia. He refuses to get in the car without getting into his crate first. This dog has so many issues…just like me. Anyhow, we would have to get in and out of the car a lot. It is impossible to walk to the river or a lot of places from the cabin. What if I can’t get him in the crate?

I don’t want to board him because I know he will be an anxious mess. He’ll wonder if I’m ever coming back. 😦 I’m also worried he might bite someone. So many worries. If I HAD to board him, I would. But I’m allowed to take him with me so…and then I read this article about how if you can take your pet on vacation with you, why not? “It is so fun!” lol. You don’t know my dog.

I have to make a decision soon because I have to make boarding arrangements if I’m not taking him. This was supposed to be a vacation from everything.


I have been doing #Listersgottalist. I love making lists. I’ve been doing it since…wow, since I could write. I’ve been posting all of mine to instagram. There are two things I really like about this “challenge”. It makes me use my stash and it gives me a creative outlet. I probably won’t do it next month because I won’t be home the whole month to post and I’m looking for the perfect booklet to do it in. But if the prompts are good in June, I’m in!

I’ll share two out of my four lists in this blog:

My All-time favorite songs: (It was so hard to pick only 6 songs!)

fave songs of all time
fave songs of all time

My favorite planner supplies:

fave planner supplies
fave planner supplies

Some of this stuff I’ve had for 2-3 years. It is nice to be able to use it.


This Week I…

Music for the week: Lissie, Toby Lightman, Laura Marling, Marina & the Diamonds, Jillette Johnson, Kendrick Lamar, Butterfly Boucher, Kelly Clarkson

song of the week: Sara Bareilles – Brave

This video came out in 2013 but I just discovered it this week. #late I’ve loved this song since it came out but with the video – WOW. This is where I am in my life right now. I’ve been watching this video 3-5 times a day for inspiration.

TV for the week: Bloodline, March Madness, Keyshia Cole: All In (marathon style), American Idol (ugh! I’m only watching for the local guy. I don’t hate the show. I just hate that it is a 2 hour show. I “watch” most of it muted. As soon as the local guy is gone, I’m gone).

This deserves  it’s own paragraph: BLOODLINE. OMG. That show is sooooooo good. Why aren’t more people talking about it? Maybe the ending sucks? I dunno but I’m loving watching it.

Movie of the week: none.

Books of the week:

I Don’t Want To, I Don’t Feel Like It: How Resistance Controls Your Life and What to Do About It by Cheri Huber (on page 126)

The Happiness Advantage: The seven principles of positive psychology that fuel success and performance at work by Shawn Achor (on page 21)

Walked: edited to update – most steps on Sunday with 8,028 steps.

Planner update:

the week so far....
the week so far….

Can you spot two bunnies in this entry? 😉

Vegas: Day 3 & 4

My favorite day (day 2) is here.

Day 3 and 4:  The best thing about being on east coast time is being able to easily get up early -without an alarm clock- and experience The Strip. It was so quiet and hardly anyone was out. It was great. I experienced the fountains at The Bellagio at 8AM.


I didn’t go anywhere for breakfast. I brewed some coffee and ate leftovers from The Mirage buffet. Then I walked to the Bellagio and enjoyed the pop music while watching the fountain show. Then I went to Ceasers. I wasn’t planning on going there but that place is so huge and I’d walked by it the day before. I was intrigued. This is how I got into trouble. It is a nice place…and the casino was quiet. UGH! Yes I gambled and lost everything. ($23).

After feeling like a loser, I went back to the hotel to get ready for the timeshare presentation. Of course I was nervous but it wasn’t that bad. I think they saw I was solo and didn’t feel like wasting time with pressure. I had a lot in common with the lady who showed me the models. There must be a rule about not having silences because I’m the hardest person to have a conversation with but somehow she did it. 😉 I told her about Oaxaca City, Mexico. (She’d never heard of it). Both of us like Bebe but only one of us can afford to shop there. 😦

I went back to my hotel room feeling relieved. I probably will have a timeshare one day but I don’t have the money now. My legs were still hurting from the day before. I really wanted to walk to Aria or the Fashion Show Mall but my feet would not allow it. So I looked up the bus schedule online and found it was only 3 stops away. There was hope. I made it to the bus stop, got on the bus and asked “Is it two dollars?”. “No it is six”. I got off the bus because I only had $4 with me. So no Fashion Show Mall for me.

I was so desperate I went to Planet Hollywood’s casino to try to win 2 dollars! I didn’t. I lost all $4 and “won” 85 cents. 😦

I think I just chilled in the hotel room and watched the news (I’m addicted). Because I went to the timeshare presentation, I got free VIP tickets to a show and free dinner. Thankfully going there wasn’t a far walk so I put my little black dress on  (again) and I got ready for the show and dinner. I chose Cheeseburger Las Vegas for dinner. The service was sooo slow. I barely had time to eat. I had to take half of my food to the show in a container.

greasy food
greasy food

I am proud to report that now I’m back on my #NoRedMeat (or pork) diet. Anyhow, then I went to Hitzville (Broadway tribute show). I was late. I had a second row aisle seat. The show was great. I didn’t film anything because I knew they were trying to sell DVDs and I would’ve felt bad. There was a lot of talent on that stage. They sang Diana Ross (my fave!), Aretha Franklin, Four Tops, Temptations, Tina Turner and more.

After the show, I had to pack. The next day I was leaving Las Vegas.

Day four

I woke up at 5AM (east cost thang) ate my leftovers from Cheesburger LV and drank alcohol. I never drank alcohol in the morning. It was great. 🙂

Day 4 was all about travel. I will try my best to NEVER use United again. The self check in kiosk didn’t work. I had to stand in a very long line. I would have missed my plane if it weren’t for a nice guy who insisted I tell people that my plane was leaving soon. I went there with American Airlines and had zero problems but United…I will try to avoid them in the future.

Overall, Las Vegas was a nice trip. I love new experiences. I can’t wait to go there with my mom but I’d rather go somewhere else for my next solo trip. The major thing I learned  is to TAKE MORE CASH. lol. I only brought enough to tip. I was planning on using my debit/credit card for most things. I wasn’t planning on taking buses or taxis.

The end. (Finally)