I just keep on running

I called and canceled my three appointments with my therapist! It was scary to pick up the phone. But the usual person didn’t answer the phone, so it was easier to cancel. She did ask if I wanted to reschedule. ROFL. I am never, ever, ever going back to her. That would be wrong on my part…to expect her to see me again.

Besides her office is 15 minutes away and during rush hour it is a little worse. I can easily find someone closer.  I’m leaning towards not doing therapy right now, but I am considering online therapy. I wouldn’t have to leave my house. Score!

The reason I’m against therapy at the moment is because I don’t know what my main issue is. Well, I know what I want to focus on (impulsive behavior), but I know not having friends AKA a support system will come up, and that might derail everything. I would have to tell her about the social anxiety, and she would know that it is severe without me telling her. She would also know about my depression because that is my main diagnosis and I would tell the therapist that.

Anyway, I’m not sure what I want to do. I think I’m going to wait until January if I decide to do online therapy. The first 5 sessions are free through my job.


The system is temporarily down for my part-time job, so I’m going to blog a bit more. I hate when others deny their privilege or don’t acknowledge it, so I’m going to call myself out on my last entry.

I’m privileged to be an American citizen, so I don’t have to worry about Donald Trump deporting me. There are people who registered under DACA and of course they have a right to be fearful. It’s not just them. Undocumented immigrants (not registered under DACA) are also scared because of what Trump has said. I don’t personally have to worry about that. I don’t want to come across as blase or noncaring.

It’s easy for me to have a wait and see approach when it comes to Trump because my life is not on the line. I just wanted to put it out there. I’m fully aware of my privilege in this situation. I do not deny it. etc. etc. etc.

White privilege isn’t the only kind. There’s American privilege. Light skinned privilege (versus dark skinned). Able-bodied privilege. Straight privilege. Male privilege. I could go on. I don’t expect people to be aware of everything and always acknowledging it cause that would be a lot! lol. But to deny it exists is only helping the person who denies it. And that is a pet peeve of mine, so I had to blast myself.

In my defense, I typed my last entry quickly, and I expect the system to be up soon, so I have to go right about now. Instead of updating my last entry,  I’ll post my planner update here:

Here are my plans from last week in my neutral Erin Condren planner:

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I’m the teller of the story

I think I’m dropping my therapist AGAIN. I like her as a person, but she is not what I need. I would like to think I’m doing better with the whole compulsive eating and spending thing. But she has no clue on how to deal with this. I expect a normal person to be ignorant. She has a Ph.D.

She even said I didn’t look like I gained any weight in relation to the eating thing. Well, weight has nothing to do with it and a person with any knowledge on the subject would know that. She suggested I eat “bad food” once a week. Well, Overeaters Anonymous suggests abstinence. I have decided I’m not going to be abstinent, but I plan on being very close. She is clueless. What is the point of wasting my time and money with her when she isn’t helpful?

The last straw was when she went out of her way to talk about other stuff on Wednesday and avoided food talk on purpose. The hell with her. 😉 If she can’t talk about my main issues, then I don’t need her. I probably won’t go back to another therapist. I’m working the 12 steps on my own. I’m working on step 3 and 4 right now.

The bad part about this decision is having to call and cancel three appointments. Ugh, I don’t want to!! Even a person without social anxiety may have trouble with that. This part sucks. How do I say it? I know the person who usually answers the phone, and that makes it tougher. I hope she doesn’t ask why.

It’s 5:30 AM. Gotta eat breakfast and start a long day.

Just wait it out

Update: She emailed me! I’m going to start working soon. NERVOUS.


 

Some people have friends. I have a therapist. Some people have both. No, I don’t consider those people lucky. haha. My therapist gave me perspective on the whole part-time job situation. She said stuff I already knew. I had already said these things to myself, but it’s helpful to have another person say it/confirm it.

They gave me a laptop. They put me on the payroll. I have access to their top secret info. Obviously, I will hear from them eventually. They are still hiring people. My guess is that they are waiting to find enough people in the area so they can train all of us together. HOWEVER, wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have to guess? I asked a simple question: “did you get my email”? No response.

I know for a fact that she’s in the office because I can see her posting stuff online. She might be very, very busy, but I just wanted an acknowledgment of an email. Geez. I didn’t even ask when I would start training or anything deep about work.

But I’ll just wait. I get to relax a little. I was freaking out when I thought I might be starting work soon. Freaking the fuck out. I don’t know. I still feel like I might crash and burn. Now I’m focusing on my full-time job and the certification course. Of course, I’m still checking my email. I keep my email open these days. That’s probably not healthy because every minute second a response doesn’t come, I get either anxious or frustrated.

They gave me a laptop. I have access to all their top secret things. I’m on the payroll (with no pay). Repeat.

I just have to be patient…even though I feel like I’ve already been patient.

 

Why do I let the pressure take over?

How do I break up with a clueless therapist? That is the best way to describe her. She used to be good. I would not have gone back if I didn’t like her. I guess she is good for anxiety, but that isn’t my main problem. My main problem is impulsiveness. Apparently, she doesn’t do impulsiveness.

I had to force her to talk about the REAL issue and then she went back to her anxiety talk. I almost fell asleep. (not joking). She did give me okay tips, but I’m dealing with this on my own. I’m reading a good book called The Heart of Addiction. It’s very informative and helpful. It’s helping me understand my triggers. Addiction is so interesting. (psych major).

To help stop my impulsiveness, I came up with some goals. I have the five goals on my computer. I was thinking about doing a collage because that works for me. I’ve done it in the past.

The point of all this is that I’m doing this on my own. No help from a therapist. No friends. My family can’t help because they are worse off than me. But I can do this on my own. I just need books. Some of the books I think would be really helpful aren’t available at the library. I don’t want to buy them because that would hurt a few of my goals.

Speaking of spending money, I’m doing Stitch Fix again. How is that for hypocrisy? They offered to send me a box without having to pay the normal $20.  In other words, this is a free box. I could send it all back and lose nothing.  It should be here next week. BUT this time, I am only going to keep 1-2 items. I usually like everything and keep all five items. I will not allow myself to even consider keeping all five items. I say this now. What will happen next week? I will be disciplined. 🙂

I will be opening my Stitch Fix box on Snapchat. Per usual. username: kat3x5.

We get our bonus at the end of the month. Perfect timing. Even though I’m doing a “great job” (lol), my bonus isn’t what it used to be. Sigh. Wages are staying stagnant. Bonuses are going down. I shouldn’t be complaining since our company had layoffs. Some people lost their job, and I’m complaining about a bonus??! Ungrateful bitch.

I didn’t think I had anything to say today. haha.

This week I…

 

Music of the week:  Alessia Cara, Ariana Grande, Lori McKenna, Tegan and Sara, Fifth Harmony, Andra Day, Rihanna, Troye Sivan

Loving the new Lori McKenna.

TV of the week:  Grey’s Anatomy, Big Brother, The Olympics

I have the Olympics on as background noise for the most part. I’m not really paying attention.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week:

I’m also reading the DOJ report on the Baltimore police department.

Planner update: Plans for August 8 – August 14 in my Erin Condren neutral planner

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Every week can’t be colorful and pretty. Sometimes it is just a planner.

Plans for the Weekend: I’m off two days next week so I may stay in this weekend and do my errands during the week. I’m taking my car in for an oil change on Wednesday and on Thursday, I’m mowing the lawn. I wanted to take my dog to the park for the last time this summer, but if I have to choose between mowing the lawn or the park, mowing wins. Unfortunately. Of course, my dog and I would rather go to the park.

So, I’m doing nothing this weekend (besides reading, resting and dance parties). Have a wonderful weekend. Do something fun. 😉

pretend I’m not real

I had to stop watching cable news. Now I’m watching CSPAN and learning things. I love BookTV.  Before MSNBC existed, all I did was watch CSPAN. I can’t stand all this Trump talk…so I will blog about Trump. 🙂 All of this talk of him dropping out is making me nervous. I know it is unlikely to happen, but what if? Don’t scare me. Hillary is a weak candidate. If Trump had done things right, he could’ve won. I know there are still 90+ days left so he could turn it around.

There was a popular column in The Washington Post asking, “Is Donald Trump Crazy?” and then other journalists started asking it. Um, no. I don’t see crazy there. He is a liar, and he may be narcissistic. But crazy? Where are people getting this stuff? (I respect the columnist, btw). Trump just talks a lot and lies constantly. I know people like that, and I don’t consider them crazy so I won’t call Trump crazy. Am I too literal? Perhaps. Just call him what he is. No need to exaggerate.

I’m supposed to be looking for a PT job, but I’m taking a break. ha. I just can’t.  I don’t know. I don’t care. I’ll get back into it. I enjoyed this past week of only working at my full-time job. I love staying at home…too much. As of right now, the plan is to go to a temp agency or two on my days off in 2 weeks. But of course, I have other things I want to do on my days off. Fun stuff like taking my dog to the park and not so fun stuff like getting an oil change or tune up.

I’m doing a bunch of unboxings on Snapchat (kat3x5) this weekend. I go for weeks forgetting that Snapchat exists, and then I use it a little too much.

One more thing before “what I did this week”. My therapist. I am now paying $50 a month for therapy. It’s not working. 50% of it is my fault, of course. I feel like my real problems are urgent, and she’s talking about other shit. She’s WASTING MY TIME and money. This has to get better next week, or I will have to go back to once a month or consider quitting. WHY did I go back to her? Why? Ugh.

I think I’m going to consider doing online therapy through work. I get six free sessions. I can do therapy with two therapists, right?  I’ll probably do it. Maybe I will quit IRL therapy for online therapy. Right now that sounds divine.

This week I…

Music of the week:  Alessia Cara, Ariana Grande, Rachel Platten, Ellie Goulding, Mary J. Blige, Mariah Carey, K. Michele, Kanye West

Song of the week: Alessia Cara – Scars to Your Beautiful

TV of the week:  Grey’s Anatomy, Big Brother

I do not love Big Brother this season. I like everyone, but I don’t care who wins.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I quit reading Along Came a Spider by James Patterson. Too many characters. Fiction has to be great for me to read it. Now I’m reading two nonfiction books:

Planner update: Plans for August 1 – August 7 in my Erin Condren neutral planner

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Plans for the Weekend: My dad is still here. He was supposed to leave for the Philippines on August 1. I might take him to the grocery store this weekend. I sorted all the clothes from the auction. Now I have to get rid of the hangers. What else? Not much going on. That is a good thing. Next week will be busier than this past week.

Have a nice weekend. 🙂

Could’ve been all these things

The sheer amount of resources being spent right now by press trying to simply uncover whether or not I am pregnant (for the bajillionth time… but who’s counting) points to the perpetuation of this notion that women are somehow incomplete, unsuccessful, or unhappy if they’re not married with children.

I sort of went on a Twitter rant. Well, it was Jennifer Aniston’s fault. Thanks for saying what some of us have been saying for YEARS. Everyone doesn’t have to have kids. Everyone doesn’t have to get married. I think some people think because their life was empty before those things, that EVERYONE else must feel that way too. Um, we are all different.

I feel bad for the people who claim they had no meaning before kids. WTF were they doing? How empty were their lives? How sad. Some women (and men) live for their kids, and while they may judge me as pathetic, I think the same of them. Get a fucking life. It’s not that hard.

Stop living through your kids. That is not attractive. There are women who have lives outside of their kids, and I admire these women because that is not the norm.

Kids this, kids that. Do these people have anything else to talk about? Are they human?

Ignore me. I just had the most meaningless therapy session. (I would still go to therapy if I had kids so stop with that BS). She said nothing worthwhile. I said nothing worthwhile. Here’s hoping the next session in two weeks is better. Now, of course, my job offers ONLINE therapy sessions. If I had known that I would have done that before going back to my old therapist.

Oh well. I’m just waiting to hear back about the part time job.

I can’t believe the Republican convention is next week. That should be fun.

The whole “All lives matter” vs. “Black lives matter” is getting on my nerves. All lives matter…no shit. These people are missing the point of BLM. Who are we dealing with here? I don’t want to call anyone dumb. lol.

I’ve thought racist things. I’ve thought homophobic things. Why can I admit this but others can’t? Don’t call me racist or homophobic though. ROFL. I wouldn’t call most people that for their biases. I just want people to admit that they judge others based on race or whatever. People don’t even know what is in their own brains, or they just don’t admit it.

The Bobby Brown autobiography is so good. I’m almost done with it and I just started. It’s a page turner. I don’t understand why Johnny Gill is almost completely missing from the book. Maybe I’m confused about New Edition or something. I don’t know.

I’m just spouting random shit. Gotta go.

 

Been in this state of mind

I registered for fall classes. I enrolled in two classes in the American sign language program. BUT…I have decided to unenroll. I’m going to pay off my car first. I have about 8 months left.

I’ve been so impulsive lately. Or am I always that way? I don’t know. Probably? Maybe? Who knows? Anyway, I still want to be an interpreter. I just don’t know what kind of situation would be best for me. Eventually, I would want to freelance. Initially, I would work for a hospital or in the mental health field or social work. I would NOT want to work in a college setting or anything in front of a large group of people.

But all this is on hold. Becoming an interpreter is a long term goal.

My %^$#ing therapist is kicking my ass. I don’t even know where to begin. Is that what I get for taking a long break from therapy? I should have gone to someone new.  ROFL.

My therapist wants me to do a ton of shit by July 12.  Then after that, I will be seeing her every two weeks for more ass kickings. blah. I’m not happy about this. I’m overwhelmed. Help!

She did wake my ass up. I’ve been in an oblivious fog for about 6 weeks. Now I have to take responsibility and blah, blah, blah. This is very hard to do without a support system. But I have some time to do it. I will work out something so I can do all this in baby steps.

Oh yeah, I’m going to see Ellie Goulding in concert tomorrow. Unbelievable.   I’m so excited, but I have a lot on my mind.  I have been waiting for this moment since 2014. haha. I can’t believe it’s really happening. I almost forgot this: Matt & Kim will be Ellie’s opening act in North Carolina. How cool is that? A lot of people will be thrilled. This was announced less than a week ago.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, Niykee Heaton, Carly Rae Jepsen, Matt & Kim, Tegan and Sara, Selena Gomez, Cassadee Pope

TV of the week:  Pretty Little Liars, basketball

Movie of the week: none

Books of the weeks: I’m in book jail. I put a bunch of books on hold and all of them became available at the same time. So I’m just reading library books for now. I’m currently reading:

Planner update: I got my new Erin Condren life planner! I can’t until I can start using it on June 27th. 😉 My only complaint about the planner is that it is too full so I can’t turn the pages smoothly. It’s an 18-month planner. Why can’t they just make an academic planner like everyone else? I might tear out the last 6 months since I buy a new planner every year, but I hate the thought of tearing out pages out of my  NEW semi-expensive planner.

Plans for the Weekend: I’m going to North Carolina for a night. Then I’m back to mowing the lawn and cleaning up. Besides the Ellie Goulding concert, nothing major is happening this weekend.

Even though I’m only going to NC for one night, I still have to pack. I haven’t even started. My dog is coming so I have to pack his stuff too since he refuses to do it himself. I’m wearing this dress to the concert:

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Have a nice weekend!