I’d rather rescue myself

Bummer! I was hoping to share my website link with you all. But Squarespace won’t let me share since I still have a free trial. 😦 😦 Only people with a login can see it. I could pay for it and make it go live, but I don’t want to do that now because it is only about 40% done. Oh well.

I probably will share it once it goes live in a week, but I will have pictures of myself on there so I will not leave the link up long. So if you want to continue to see the website, please bookmark it. I will not link to my professional website after a week or so because I want this blog to remain anonymous.

I’ve spent hours on the site. I don’t know how I feel about Squarespace. I already know I’m going to redo the site in 3 months. But for now, I will stick with what I have. I don’t want to start all over. The main problem I’m having is not being able to put a photo where I want to on my “About Me” page. However, I’m taking a lot of photos of myself this weekend while I’m in the woods so I can have woodsy photos of me 😉 So I may as well wait to put photos up. I’m just frustrated because I figured out how to do the banner, a logo, etc. But I don’t know how to put a pic on the bio page. ARGH!

So blah. I really wanted to share my site. I only have 13 days left on my free trial, so I’m paying for it very soon. I’m paying for it annually because it’s a little cheaper and I get the domain free. It’s funny. I checked to see if the domain was available BUT I didn’t do an internet search to see if anyone else was using my name on youtube, facebook or wherever. Oh my! Duh! Some people are using close to what I have. The name of my website name consists of VERY common words, especially in spiritual circles. Oops!

Hopefully, no one will sue me. I can change the name of my site, but I don’t want to change the domain name because that would cost money.

I’m continuing to like my therapy sessions. I have 4 free ones left (a reminder to myself). Unfortunately, she is discontinuing her weekend sessions. 😦 Why??? I scheduled my next appointment for June 20th – a Wednesday at 7 PM. At least, she has evening/night hours. I only found her because she had Sunday hours. Anyhow, I have decided I’m going to use therapy to get over my social anxiety. It will probably be very hard. But I want to do Skype tarot readings and to do that, I have to overcome my fear of public speaking.

I think she is going to want me to join Toastmasters or something. Groan. That’s not the first time I’ve heard that. Whatever works. I have to come up with 10 things that scare me and rank them from least to worst.  How about everything scares me? Seriously. Well, everything concerning PEOPLE. Luckily, I think I have at least two weeks before I have to do my list. Just thinking about that makes me anxious.

My dad saved the weekend! My mom told him I said that we didn’t get a break between winter and summer. So my electric bill continues to be a little high. (Not as high as it should be because I have it pretty hot in the house). I did NOT give her permission to tell him that. I don’t even know why she said that! Normally I get pissed when people say something I said to them in private. But in this case, not so much. He gave me $80 to help pay my electric bill!!! YAY.

He gave me cash so instead of depositing that into the bank, I used the cash to pick up a few things I need for my trip this weekend. I bought a queen-sized sheet. And I bought a blanket. I also picked up some other things I didn’t have on my budget. Nothing “bad”. Stuff I need like Clarispray. I think my allergies are getting worse. I used to use Clarispray twice a week or less. Last week I had to use it 3 days in a row! That has never happened.

Now I feel bad for only getting him a card for Father’s Day. I got him a pen with his name engraved on it for his birthday. I can tell he really liked that. I dunno. I just feel a little bad. But I think he only expects a card.

Well, I have to go work on my website. Hopefully, it won’t be too frustrating. 😉 Should I have gone with WordPress instead? Maybe. But I doubt I switch now. Bye!

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Obstacles are detours

I got more info about my DC Getaway. I’m not pleased with the new dog information. Um, they don’t want any dog hair on their bed or linens. LOL. That’s understandable, but really? So what I have to do now is buy a queen size sheet to cover the bed and a full-size something so that I can have cover. I can’t sleep without something on me. It doesn’t matter how hot is it; I have to have cover.

I did my grocery shopping on Saturday. I happened to come in under budget, so I have cash leftover. I was going to use that cash to pay for my groceries on June 23. Now I have to use that to buy linens for the cabin/tiny house. 😦 Where is my dog supposed to sleep? On the floor? My dog laughs at that idea!  It is a tiny house. There will probably barely be room for his crate*. Of course, he is going to sleep on the bed. UGH. My dog doesn’t shed a lot. But he does shed. I don’t want to mess up their cabin so I will follow the rules. Plus, I don’t want to get charged for dog hair. Whatever.

*I’m only going to leave him in his crate when I’m in the shower. I don’t trust my dog enough to leave him out while I can’t see him in a new place. Showers can’t take long because there is limited water. They call a 10-minute shower long! LOL. I consider a 20-minute shower long. I will probably set a timer for 5 minutes while I’m in the shower. I don’t want to run out of water.

I have an hour long tarot card reading scheduled for June 14. That’s one day before I leave for my trip. I’m so excited. It is going to be on Skype. I’ve never had a reading like this before. Since I’m new, I got 20% off. I paid $44.00 for it. It isn’t in my June budget, but it doesn’t matter because I paid for this on May 31! I cheated. 😉 Can’t wait. This will be the last reading I pay for. Well, I’ve only paid for one other reading.

Now onto the ‘job’ opportunities. There are two tarot reading opportunities I can apply for. One is option A, and the other is option B. Option A is harder to get because I would have to do a LIVE reading on camera with the head of the company (even though I will only do email readings if I get approved). I know I’m not ready to do that now, so there’s no point in applying. But I will apply shortly. Option B is easier to get. I just need a $50 webcam, a good quality microphone, and a nice background. That’s it. I can do that.

Option B scares me because it is just people looking at you while you are sitting there. You can’t see them. And then they can ask you for a reading, and you do the reading live and on camera (not in front of everyone – one on one). Horrifying, right? They rate you after the reading so if I suck, everyone will know. I don’t want to take anyone’s money and not give a good product. That’s very important to me.

Anyhow, I need the practice and the money, so I need to do Option B, but first I need to do more FREE readings. I also need to buy the camera, a backdrop (fabric) and a better microphone. I would like to get started on there by August 1. I will be finished with my class by then so I will have more time to dedicate to free readings.

I’m glad I have those two options. I wish I could do option A now. However, I don’t feel confident enough to give a live reading to the head of the company. The pay isn’t great for either option. For one company, the pay is something like $6.00 for a 20-minute reading! That’s really low.  But it’s great practice, and it is extra money. Plus the person that recommended both of these companies is someone I trust.  I want to do work at both companies at the same time. A lot of people do that.

Truck driving school costs $4,500 where I live. Probably not doing it…ever. But who knows? I know I’m not going into debt to do it. That’s for sure. I’m not going into debt for anything except emergencies. I’m scared of driving a big truck. We just had an accident here involving a truck. Someone died. I just don’t feel comfortable doing it. I don’t want to make decisions based on fear. I dunno. I’m still thinking it through. If I feel like it’s my only option, I’m probably going to try driving school (if I can pay with no debt).

Therapy. I was charged $25 for my appointment this Sunday. UGH. It was a mistake I unknowingly made, but they won’t refund me. I should have scheduled it differently. So I still have five more free visits, and then I will have to pay a $25 copay. At least, I finally have the amount I have to pay confirmed. I don’t know about going to therapy weekly. Cognitive behavioral therapy is not supposed to last forever. Ideally, after I finish the workbook, I should be done. That should take less than 10 sessions. After the 10 sessions, maybe we could meet monthly. I do like working with her. I wish our time together were an hour instead of 45 minutes. Oh well.

Training is kicking my ass right now. I’m off work, but I’m reviewing what we went over in training. I’d much rather be working on my tarot class or doing anything fun.  I also mowed the front yard today. It wasn’t that hot. It was about 83 degrees. I think I might do the back tomorrow. It’s either mowing the lawn or going to the park.

Gotta get back to reviewing training stuff. Bye!

I don’t need a lot of cash

Guess who had a therapy session this evening? Yes, on a Sunday! Guess who didn’t leave her house to go to therapy? Guess who didn’t have to pay for the session? Gotta love ME. 😉 I don’t know what to think about the session. I feel like she wanted me to talk more or something. What a concept! Hello, not happening. It was okay. I don’t like that she has me buying an $18 workbook. I told her I was in debt. Anyway, I have the gift cards from my birthday and that will cover the cost.

I don’t know how many free sessions I have. I think it is 6 and then I would have to pay. I don’t mind paying a copay, but I’m not paying her whole rate. ($95 per session). The therapy was done like a Skype session. Thankfully I didn’t balk at that because I’m so used to being on camera for the tarot coaching calls. My health insurance book claims that telehealth sessions are NOT covered, so am I only allowed the 6 free sessions? Or is there an exception? Yes, I did call someone and she said I should only have to pay the copay. But she wasn’t sure. She was just guessing. Sigh.

I don’t need therapy bad enough to pay $95 for it. I was in therapy for a while, and it was helpful at one point to have someone to talk to, but then she just focused on another damn workbook on anxiety, and that didn’t help. So here we go again with another workbook. LOL. I know this stuff works most of the time if ya work it. I’m trying to be open-minded.

Anyway, I’m glad it is therapy through video. I hope it is helpful and I hope I never get charged $95 for a session. I also hope she doesn’t expect me to go every week. That would be $100 a month IF I only have to pay a copay (not bad at all, BUT I’m trying to cut bills). I will probably tell her I’m trying to save money and ask her if twice a month is okay. Only when I was in college did I need therapy weekly. That was a long time ago. I was very depressed. I’m dealing with general anxiety now, and I don’t think weekly is at all necessary.  Even twice a month was too much, and that is why I quit therapy last time. :/

Who can complain about free therapy? Me.

I worked on my June budget almost all day on Saturday and Sunday.  The result didn’t turn out to be as stressful as I thought it would be. I’m going to start buying my groceries with cash. I reviewed past receipts. I was spending about $120 a month on food. I don’t think that’s too bad. But I will probably try to lower it. It won’t happen this month because I’m going to a Costco like store this weekend. My grocery bill is always higher when I go there because I’m buying in bulk.

I’m not going to list my whole June budget (especially my debts – hah), but I will list some categories. Most of these amounts will change monthly.

  • electricity – $91.00
  • food – $130.00
  • clothes – $25.00
  • medicine – $37.00
  • gifts – $5.00
  • charity – $10.00
  • pet supplies- $49.00 (includes his insurance)
  • subscriptions – $61.00

For the record, I’m using Dave Ramsey’s budgeting sheets. Some of his category names I wouldn’t choose. For example, I wouldn’t put my dog’s insurance under pet supplies, but there isn’t a category for pet insurance. Next time, I will put my dog’s insurance under another category. I don’t have any “fun money” or anything for entertainment. I don’t feel like I’m missing out because I still have entertainment like Spotify and Hulu. Is it sad that I consider those things entertainment? I don’t think so. 😉

I don’t have to budget for medicine for the next two months. That’s good. And I won’t always spend money on clothes. I want a pair of shorts and a top for my short vacation coming up soon. I also have to save for my storm door. I didn’t budget that for June. Argh. I need to get some kind of quote on how much the installation will cost. The door I want is $208. I can go lower if necessary. I want my door installed by September 15. I’m hoping this will lower my electricity bill during the winter. My electric bill can be $250 (!!!) if it gets really cold.

Finally done with the budget and now I’m feeling overwhelmed with something else. I have my tarot coaching videocall Monday night. I didn’t do all the homework yet. I still have time, but I have to work and I’m going to my mom’s house. Etc. I hope it goes well. Or at least better than last time. Whatever. It’s not that serious. Don’t take things too seriously! Life lesson.

Something weird is going on. Someone keeps charging Facebook advertising fees to my credit card. I reported the first charge as fraud. They locked the card. I’m getting a new card in a couple of days. Then another Facebook advertising fee came up on the NEW card I haven’t even gotten yet. How is that possible when I haven’t activated the card? So strange. I’m going to call them maybe tomorrow. What is going on?

Gotta go. It’s getting late. I’m watching game 7. Cavs vs. Boston. I guess I’m rooting for the Cavs because it makes a better story. I don’t really care. I just saw that there is major flooding in Ellicott City, Maryland (near Baltimore). That’s scary. I hope everyone is safe.

Bye.

I just keep on running

I called and canceled my three appointments with my therapist! It was scary to pick up the phone. But the usual person didn’t answer the phone, so it was easier to cancel. She did ask if I wanted to reschedule. ROFL. I am never, ever, ever going back to her. That would be wrong on my part…to expect her to see me again.

Besides her office is 15 minutes away and during rush hour it is a little worse. I can easily find someone closer.  I’m leaning towards not doing therapy right now, but I am considering online therapy. I wouldn’t have to leave my house. Score!

The reason I’m against therapy at the moment is because I don’t know what my main issue is. Well, I know what I want to focus on (impulsive behavior), but I know not having friends AKA a support system will come up, and that might derail everything. I would have to tell her about the social anxiety, and she would know that it is severe without me telling her. She would also know about my depression because that is my main diagnosis and I would tell the therapist that.

Anyway, I’m not sure what I want to do. I think I’m going to wait until January if I decide to do online therapy. The first 5 sessions are free through my job.


The system is temporarily down for my part-time job, so I’m going to blog a bit more. I hate when others deny their privilege or don’t acknowledge it, so I’m going to call myself out on my last entry.

I’m privileged to be an American citizen, so I don’t have to worry about Donald Trump deporting me. There are people who registered under DACA and of course they have a right to be fearful. It’s not just them. Undocumented immigrants (not registered under DACA) are also scared because of what Trump has said. I don’t personally have to worry about that. I don’t want to come across as blase or noncaring.

It’s easy for me to have a wait and see approach when it comes to Trump because my life is not on the line. I just wanted to put it out there. I’m fully aware of my privilege in this situation. I do not deny it. etc. etc. etc.

White privilege isn’t the only kind. There’s American privilege. Light skinned privilege (versus dark skinned). Able-bodied privilege. Straight privilege. Male privilege. I could go on. I don’t expect people to be aware of everything and always acknowledging it cause that would be a lot! lol. But to deny it exists is only helping the person who denies it. And that is a pet peeve of mine, so I had to blast myself.

In my defense, I typed my last entry quickly, and I expect the system to be up soon, so I have to go right about now. Instead of updating my last entry,  I’ll post my planner update here:

Here are my plans from last week in my neutral Erin Condren planner:

dscn0177

 

 

 

I’m the teller of the story

I think I’m dropping my therapist AGAIN. I like her as a person, but she is not what I need. I would like to think I’m doing better with the whole compulsive eating and spending thing. But she has no clue on how to deal with this. I expect a normal person to be ignorant. She has a Ph.D.

She even said I didn’t look like I gained any weight in relation to the eating thing. Well, weight has nothing to do with it and a person with any knowledge on the subject would know that. She suggested I eat “bad food” once a week. Well, Overeaters Anonymous suggests abstinence. I have decided I’m not going to be abstinent, but I plan on being very close. She is clueless. What is the point of wasting my time and money with her when she isn’t helpful?

The last straw was when she went out of her way to talk about other stuff on Wednesday and avoided food talk on purpose. The hell with her. 😉 If she can’t talk about my main issues, then I don’t need her. I probably won’t go back to another therapist. I’m working the 12 steps on my own. I’m working on step 3 and 4 right now.

The bad part about this decision is having to call and cancel three appointments. Ugh, I don’t want to!! Even a person without social anxiety may have trouble with that. This part sucks. How do I say it? I know the person who usually answers the phone, and that makes it tougher. I hope she doesn’t ask why.

It’s 5:30 AM. Gotta eat breakfast and start a long day.

Just wait it out

Update: She emailed me! I’m going to start working soon. NERVOUS.


 

Some people have friends. I have a therapist. Some people have both. No, I don’t consider those people lucky. haha. My therapist gave me perspective on the whole part-time job situation. She said stuff I already knew. I had already said these things to myself, but it’s helpful to have another person say it/confirm it.

They gave me a laptop. They put me on the payroll. I have access to their top secret info. Obviously, I will hear from them eventually. They are still hiring people. My guess is that they are waiting to find enough people in the area so they can train all of us together. HOWEVER, wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have to guess? I asked a simple question: “did you get my email”? No response.

I know for a fact that she’s in the office because I can see her posting stuff online. She might be very, very busy, but I just wanted an acknowledgment of an email. Geez. I didn’t even ask when I would start training or anything deep about work.

But I’ll just wait. I get to relax a little. I was freaking out when I thought I might be starting work soon. Freaking the fuck out. I don’t know. I still feel like I might crash and burn. Now I’m focusing on my full-time job and the certification course. Of course, I’m still checking my email. I keep my email open these days. That’s probably not healthy because every minute second a response doesn’t come, I get either anxious or frustrated.

They gave me a laptop. I have access to all their top secret things. I’m on the payroll (with no pay). Repeat.

I just have to be patient…even though I feel like I’ve already been patient.

 

Why do I let the pressure take over?

How do I break up with a clueless therapist? That is the best way to describe her. She used to be good. I would not have gone back if I didn’t like her. I guess she is good for anxiety, but that isn’t my main problem. My main problem is impulsiveness. Apparently, she doesn’t do impulsiveness.

I had to force her to talk about the REAL issue and then she went back to her anxiety talk. I almost fell asleep. (not joking). She did give me okay tips, but I’m dealing with this on my own. I’m reading a good book called The Heart of Addiction. It’s very informative and helpful. It’s helping me understand my triggers. Addiction is so interesting. (psych major).

To help stop my impulsiveness, I came up with some goals. I have the five goals on my computer. I was thinking about doing a collage because that works for me. I’ve done it in the past.

The point of all this is that I’m doing this on my own. No help from a therapist. No friends. My family can’t help because they are worse off than me. But I can do this on my own. I just need books. Some of the books I think would be really helpful aren’t available at the library. I don’t want to buy them because that would hurt a few of my goals.

Speaking of spending money, I’m doing Stitch Fix again. How is that for hypocrisy? They offered to send me a box without having to pay the normal $20.  In other words, this is a free box. I could send it all back and lose nothing.  It should be here next week. BUT this time, I am only going to keep 1-2 items. I usually like everything and keep all five items. I will not allow myself to even consider keeping all five items. I say this now. What will happen next week? I will be disciplined. 🙂

I will be opening my Stitch Fix box on Snapchat. Per usual. username: kat3x5.

We get our bonus at the end of the month. Perfect timing. Even though I’m doing a “great job” (lol), my bonus isn’t what it used to be. Sigh. Wages are staying stagnant. Bonuses are going down. I shouldn’t be complaining since our company had layoffs. Some people lost their job, and I’m complaining about a bonus??! Ungrateful bitch.

I didn’t think I had anything to say today. haha.

This week I…

 

Music of the week:  Alessia Cara, Ariana Grande, Lori McKenna, Tegan and Sara, Fifth Harmony, Andra Day, Rihanna, Troye Sivan

Loving the new Lori McKenna.

TV of the week:  Grey’s Anatomy, Big Brother, The Olympics

I have the Olympics on as background noise for the most part. I’m not really paying attention.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week:

I’m also reading the DOJ report on the Baltimore police department.

Planner update: Plans for August 8 – August 14 in my Erin Condren neutral planner

erincondren2

Every week can’t be colorful and pretty. Sometimes it is just a planner.

Plans for the Weekend: I’m off two days next week so I may stay in this weekend and do my errands during the week. I’m taking my car in for an oil change on Wednesday and on Thursday, I’m mowing the lawn. I wanted to take my dog to the park for the last time this summer, but if I have to choose between mowing the lawn or the park, mowing wins. Unfortunately. Of course, my dog and I would rather go to the park.

So, I’m doing nothing this weekend (besides reading, resting and dance parties). Have a wonderful weekend. Do something fun. 😉