Time for me to take action

Why not start with a Depo-Provera update? This is the worst period I’ve ever had as far as how much blood I’m losing. This can’t be healthy. I’m on DP because I was losing a lot of blood for 2 days of my cycle. This seems like more than that, but I haven’t been keeping track and I should have. But it just FEELS that way. Next time I will keep track (if It ever stops – ARGH!).

Cramps also came back after not having bad cramps for the past 8-9 months. Thanks a lot, Depo Provera. No weight gain. My weight is steady. I’m grateful for that. I’m not happy about having a heavier period. That sucks. 😦 It should be only temporary, though. It better be!

The nurse practitioner did ask if I wanted an ultrasound to see why I have heavy periods. But I didn’t know if I was losing an unusual amount of blood, so I said no I’ll just try the Depo. Now I feel like I am losing a lot of blood, but I really don’t know for sure.

All I know is that I’m going on vacation with my dog and mom for my birthday (in May). I need to not have my period during that time. Thank you, Universe. Please?

I started drinking my green juice. It’s called Super Greens. It was affordable compared to the $70 bottle of green juice powder. Of course, it is not available on Amazon right now, so I couldn’t ask for it for my birthday. My mom wanted my birthday list 2 months ago, so I had to get it in this weekend. Anyway… Hopefully, it will be back soon so I can order it in the future. I can’t tell how much it is working for energy. I have been drinking less diet Mountain Dew, and I do feel like it might be working, but I’m not 100% sure.

Ugh, my dad is coming back to the United States…to live with my mom…maybe forever! (They are happily divorced). This is only a problem because when I have to take them to the store, I almost have a freaking anxiety attack. I can barely drive UNLESS I take a Klonopin which I will do.But it is still very awkward. I will try praying, meditating, and tapping before I take them anywhere. I’m fine with taking my mom places. I do it all the time.

I still have a lot of social anxiety around my dad, so it’s really hard. I’m so nervous about this. He’s coming next weekend. Oh dear. I’m going to try to work my spiritual tools over this issue. I hope it works. I need it!

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I’ve been there all night

I went 4 and a half days without power. All my food in the lower portion of my fridge spoiled. But don’t feel bad (lol), I didn’t have much in there. My frozen food is okay.

I have my phone job interview tomorrow (Wednesday)!! I have a page of notes written down. I’m not that nervous. Maybe the nerves will come tomorrow. If it were an in-person interview, I would not be posting right now. I would be freaking out instead.

I hope I get the job. The phone interview is the first part of the screening. I have no idea how many parts there are. All I know is that the interview is supposed to last 30-40 minutes (!).

I did something semi-amazing today. Amazing for me. I introduced myself to my manager. I got up from my seat and went over her to her desk and just told her I wanted to introduce myself. I wouldn’t have done that a year ago. I don’t know if I would have done that six months ago! I think not giving a shit comes with age. Social anxiety gets worse as a person gets older so I doubt my SA is getting better.

Let me back up. I work from home like most of my coworkers. However, since my power went out, I worked in the office for 2 and a half days. My manager is relatively new, so I only met her once at a loud “party”. I knew she had no idea who I was so I just went to her desk to formally introduce myself. I’m still in shock that I did that!! Can you tell? AHHH

Working in the office was an okay experience. On the first day in the office, I hardly got anything done. I couldn’t focus. But this morning I was focused and fine. So maybe the environment isn’t the problem. ??? I have no idea. I just know I’m having issues focusing (at home and in the office), and I need to figure it out. The first day of being in the office was terrible. I was even having suicidal thoughts. I know that sounds dramatic, but I couldn’t stand it.

Then I went home during lunch and took a Klonopin. Things got better. I forgot that I always need meds when I’m working in an office…or just going to be around people for a long period.

Anyway, I’m glad I have power. I hope I don’t have to go back into the office again. ::crosses fingers::

I’m also crossing my fingers for that job. I could really use it. I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get it. Just keep looking for part-time work I guess. I might start looking for full-time work. That terrifies me, but it probably needs to be done.

Oh yeah, my yard it still a mess. Nothing has changed from the pics I posted below. I don’t think my landlord drove around to see the mess yet. If he says anything, I’ll just say I couldn’t afford to clean it up. That’s true (unless I get the job). He is the landlord. Isn’t he supposed to do something? I paid over $700 for repairs to the bathroom. And now there’s another problem in the bathroom. If I get the job, I will definitely fix it myself. Hell, even without the extra income, I will probably fix it myself.

My therapist would not approve of me taking on the job myself, but I gotta do what I gotta do. I’m not 100% cured of social anxiety. I don’t want to call my landlord about this. I let it get bad so really it is my fault.

I haven’t had a good night sleep in a while. I’m going to try to get to bed soon and hope my dog doesn’t wake me up, and I can get 7 hours of sleep.

I would appreciate any good vibes for my job interview. Thank you. 🙂

release the tension

This entry is all over the place. Just a warning.

I told judgemental Judy about the job situation. I knew she would judge me. Judy doesn’t even know what judging means. That might sound snarky…okay it is snarky. But it is also true. Anyway, possibly losing my job is far more important than what Judy thinks. So screw what Judy thinks. I’ve been checking my work emails and nothing so I don’t know what will happen. I’ll probably have to wait until I go back to work next week.

I took 3 large trash bags of brand new men’s clothes to the LGBT store. They didn’t even look inside. They will be pleasantly surprised to see a bunch of new clothes with tags. I didn’t go to the consignment shop today. I will probably go on Thursday while my dog is being groomed. IF I have time after I go to the gym. Grooming is supposed to take 3 hours but it doesn’t always take that long.

My mom and I are going to Red Lobster later this week just because. Well, she wanted to go out to eat since I’m off from work and the only place I can eat something I like and stay on Nutrisystem is Red Lobster so there ya go. I will have the oven broiled flounder with broccoli. I can’t believe it fits perfectly with the plan! I thought I would have to skip a meal or something but nope. yay. 🙂 I hate that I won’t be able to eat any bread though.

More randomness: I have to link to this article – 16 Things People With Social Anxiety Want You to Know and then there’s:  It’s the actual Worst. I know I’m biased, but it is truly THE WORST. It affects EVERYTHING. Can I get a break from this dreaded condition? Some might think dying is worse but nah, not to me. I know I’m not supposed to say this, but it is horrible. That is what I want people to know about SA. Anyone who doubts this should try living with it for one day.

Food talk: I have been looking for food to eat after Nutrisystem. OMG. Quest bars are so delicious, but they cost so much!! 2.79 for ONE bar?? I think I’m going to occasionally treat myself to one. Occasionally will probably be once a month. They are good for lunch and have better stats than NS lunch bars. I just wish they were more affordable. My fave (and the only kind I have tasted – lol) are the Quest cinnamon roll protein bars. So tasty. The price per bar is a little cheaper on Amazon, but I don’t really want to buy 12 at a time. There are cheaper alternatives, but they probably don’t taste as good or as filling.

I like bars for lunch. I add nonfat yogurt to it and I have a meal. I also brought some Zone bars but I haven’t tried them yet and their stats aren’t as good as the NS bars, but they will do. And they are much more affordable than the Quest bars. I’m also thinking about adding the Atkins bars for lunch but Walmart didn’t have the kind with the best stats so I didn’t buy any.

Yes, some of us must shop at Walmart. I go to Walmart first to see the price then I go to Kroger for the fun stuff. 😉  I buy 70% of my food from Walmart…when I’m being smart, but sometimes I don’t feel like driving all the way “out there” so I just go to my neighborhood Kroger for the other 30%. I spend way too much on food and need to cut back. I have no idea what I need to stop buying though. Eating healthy is expensive. Now I understand why I ate junk as a kid. It’s cheaper and more accessible.

Gotta go. Lunch time. I’ve been feeling dizzy/light headed all day. I thought I was going to faint at the laundromat. I had to sit down on the floor quickly. It happens from time to time. I have no idea why.

I tend to shut people out

OMG. People are still defending Bill Cosby! I’m looking at Whoopi Goldberg – a person I like.  For the record, I have never liked Cosby and I’ve always thought he was a jerk. Okay, maybe I did watch the Cosby Show growing up but ever since the late 90s, I’ve disliked him. So when all this came out, no surprise to me. I hope he has stopped raping women.

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It’s funny how people judge success. What is it? 2.5 kids, home ownership, a significant other and exceptional grammar? That is not my definition of success. Obvs. Success to me is living the life you want. Whatever that may be. Considering my life and my abilities,  I’m successful. I don’t know how to say this without sounding like I’m putting people with extreme social anxiety down. I’m not looking down on them OR thinking they could simply do better if they had motivation. I’m not one of those people…I never thought I would be able to get a job. Ever. I think my fear of that has motivated me in spite of my disabilities.

With my social anxiety and panic attacks, I should be homeless. So anything above that is a win. I’m not trying to be funny. All the doctors I’ve seen say I have the most severe case of social anxiety they’ve seen. I see everything I have as a blessing. I don’t compare myself to Susie because Susie doesn’t have SA so why would I compare my accomplishments to hers? That doesn’t make sense. Susie may look down on me. Whatevs. That has nothing to do with me. That’s all on him or her.

Don’t get me wrong. There have been times when I compared myself to the Susies of the world. But then I realize what they have and what I have. The comparisons need to stop. It’s pointless.

Well this is the only me that I know how to be
Sorry if that don’t fit your reality
I’m giving one hundred percent of me
So take it or leave
Whether you’re in or out
This is what I’m about

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I got my Tori Kelly CD in the mail. I ordered it on Sunday and received it Monday. Awesome. 🙂  I want to share some of her music. So here goes:

This is an oldie…from 2013. 😉 Tori Kelly – Dear No one

This is her current single: Should’ve Been Us

One of my  favorite live versions of Nobody Love

Tori @ The House of Blues in Anaheim:

I’ll stop now. I hope to see her on tour in the fall. ??? A girl can dream.

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Now I have to go post another eBay auction.

Because of you

Before the murder of my coworker, I was so concerned about what a business thought of me. They didn’t/don’t treat me like the other customers. They are/were being snarky bitches. I was so consumed with that. I thought if they only knew that the reason I couldn’t look up was due to my social anxiety maybe they would react differently. All the while she and her family were dead. DEAD.

Now, I rarely think about it…but I have to deal with them again this week and for the first time all of this came back. I’m just going to be me. TRY to smile (very hard with my social anxiety) and just don’t sweat it. It doesn’t matter. If they want to act like 4 year olds, then let them. They are the judgmental, clueless, witches. It’s on them, not me.

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I know I said ‘no more estate’ sales. ROFL. 🙂 I love when rich people have estate sales…especially if they wear my size in clothing. I’m going on Wednesday to check out this women’s clothes, shoes and purses. I’m trying not to be a label whore but it might be hard. Of course I plan on selling most of it. What I usually do is if there are 10 pairs of shoes I can wear, I pick one pair to keep for myself and sell the others. I think I’ll pass on her purses but I’m currently #1 on a Dooney & Burke purse. If no else wants it…I’ll take it.

This cannot and will not be a new hobby. This plus Nutrisystem is too expensive. Plus I might be going to Busch Gardens??! $$$$ Another reason I don’t want to go to Busch Gardens: TOO HOT. It is 93 degrees today! I like doing outdoor things in May. It may be a little warm but not this humid.

And I have to mow my lawn in this heat. Woe is me. I only have to work 4 days this week. RALLY!

That is my best pep talk. heh.

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Back to cleaning off my bookshelves. First, I will try to sell the books then I’m going to donate the ones that don’t sell. I usually donate to the library but I’ll see who else wants books in pretty good condition. Unfortunately I’m just putting “new” to be read books back in the old books spot. I love books…but I prefer them on my Kindle. Less clutter that way.

Just speaking from experience

YAY!  I weigh 135.8 I kid you not. 🙂 🙂 🙂

At first the weight loss seemed slow but now I lose a pound a day (?). WOW. Stat time:

Starting weight on May 11th, 2015: 142

Current weight as of May 29, 2015: 135

Awesome and I’m feeling great too!  I’m going to have to pull out some old clothes to see if I can fit in them. EDIT: Woofreakinghoo! I can wear my jeans I couldn’t wear in Las Vegas. YEAH. I was going to throw some clothes away. I’m glad I didn’t. The best thing about doing Nutrisystem to lose weight is that I’m not even hungry. I used to eat when I was bored. Of course I always had things to do but I didn’t want to do those things. Anyhow, I should cancel NS for money reasons but I’m counting on making some extra money soon.

I’m losing weight just in time for bikini season! Wait, I’ve never worn a bikini and never will. haha. I see things all over social media about losing weight for summer vacay and to be able to look good in a bikini. I had to make a (bad) joke about it.

I have a bunch of new STUFF. I picked up my things from the men’s clothing store that went out of business. It is a lot. Over 100 items.  I have to sell this stuff.  Now the things are overflowing into the living room and I’m feeling overwhelmed. The good thing about clothes is that they can easily be donated but I want my money back. This is a business after all. The clothes have tags on them. SCORE!! If I can’t sell these in person, I will try on Ebay. I have never sold clothes there but I figure clothes NWT (new with tags) can’t be that hard to sell. Donation is the 3rd option.

If a female clothing store would have gone out of business….Buddha, help me. I would keep some stuff for myself. 😉 In fact, I’m currently looking at some gowns  from another sale that I can fit into. One is an OSCAR DE LA RENTA dress. I’m currently the only person interested in the dress. I’m sure that won’t last.  I will most likely take these to consignment shops IF I get them. When will I ever have to be that dressy? I can’t think of an occasion so I’m planning on selling them. One red gown would be perfect for dressing up for Halloween but I don’t do Halloween… this dress seriously makes me want to dress up next October.

James Holmes’ therapy session eerily sound like mine. Freaky. But we both have social anxiety so it shouldn’t be shocking. So weird to hear the exact same questions I get asked being asked to Holmes. And yes, we have some of the same responses. (Not for the reasons Sue might think…but I digress). Also, we don’t say more than we have to. “Yes” “No” “Not really”  etc. Creepy. I’m listening to it now so I had to comment.

I won’t even start on the comments by people who are lucky enough to have no idea what social anxiety is or how it is to live with. Clueless!

This Week I…

Music of the week: Mariah Carey, Kina Grannis, Lissie, Kendrick Lamar, Meghan Trainor, Madonna, Marina & The Diamonds, Kelly Clarkson

Watched: NBA playoffs, PLL, James Holmes trial

Books of the week: Two books for now.  Everyday I fight by Stuart Scott is a secondary read. I take the book with me when I go places.  My main read is The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up which is so funny to me. I’m staring at a heap of clothes that aren’t even my clothes. There are things EVERYWHERE. But I will be taking 1/3 or 1/4 of the items to sell on June 6. I would take more but my car isn’t big enough.

Planner: 

This week
This week

Je ne comprends pas

But until women writing about singleness no longer feel compelled to set themselves up as the cool girl who either has a man—or could get one at any time—I’d say the answer to her question is no, we’re not people yet.

Apparently the writer of this Salon piece hasn’t read my blog. (haha) I’m single. I never talk about “getting a man” at any time. I don’t even think about it. If I went out more, I guess I would be considered a ‘cool single woman’ because I don’t want a man. I don’t need a man. But no one would consider me a cool anything.

Interesting piece. It made me think about the single women who do want men. Also, I don’t think of myself as a spinster either. I’m a person. Is that okay? Men have nothing to do with my identity. I know some people judge me a certain way because I’m unattached but I don’t care.

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AWKWARD!

I go see a shrink 2-3 times a year, to get my meds for my depression/anxiety. My ex-therapist is also in the same building. She knew I was coming in on Thursday because all of the appointments are on the same system. She was hanging around the receptionist area when I got there!! OMFG. She couldn’t have been more obvious. She is usually booked back to back so I thought, “There is no way I’m going to see her”. WRONG. It was so awkward. I didn’t know where to look. Do I say “hi”? (I didn’t because we didn’t make eye contact).

Now I feel bad. I just stopped seeing her. Well, the snow caused my last visit to be cancelled. And she said she would call me to make another appointment. She never called.  I never called. And that’s that. Well, at least I don’t think she hates me. I always think people hate me. Some people do… 😉 But I hope she doesn’t think I hate her. Therapy was just becoming a hassle. I was only going once a month but I hate having appointments after work.

My shrink asked why wasn’t I seeing my therapist anymore. “You don’t need her anymore”? Um, no. I said something like, “social anxiety isn’t my focus right now”. He chuckled and asked, “Well, what is?” The truth is that I feel fine without going to therapy. It really wasn’t helping but that isn’t her fault. I’m not focused on my social anxiety right now and she was too focused on it.

I may blog more about why I’m not focused on my SA. The short version is that it doesn’t affect my life that much. I’m a loner. I’m an introvert. I like being alone. The only time SA is a problem is when I’m trying to get a job. SA is a big hindrance there for obvious reasons.

Speaking of SA or just shyness, I’m still watching the James Holmes trial (Colorado murder trial). It is mystifying to me that people still don’t get shyness. The professors/lab techs said things like he never took initiative. He would sit in the back and do research instead of approaching people. Um, yeah cause he was shy. What do you expect?  That is the definition of shyness. I’m listening to these people testify and I’m shouting. “OF COURSE HE IS THAT WAY. HE’S SHY”. Even now, they act like he was just not interested. NO. He was interested but shyness hampered his way of showing it.

Sorry. Pet peeve.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Shelby Lynne, Mariah Carey, Heather Nova, Kina Grannis, Us The Duo, Mary J. Blige, Christina Aguilera, Angus & Julia Stone

Watched: NBA playoffs, PLL, James Holmes trial

Books of the week: I finished reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed. As I previously stated, I didn’t like it.  I might  start Everyday I fight by Stuart Scott & Larry Platt this weekend. The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up is a library book so I have to read that. Me tidying up right now is not gonna happen. I have to sell stuff first but I’ll read the book.

Movies: I’ve seen a few movies since I’ve last updated this. First was The Notebook. #late I hated it. I have it on DVD so I’m going to sell it on June 6. I watched You’re Not You. I loved this movie. Emmy Rossum blew me away and Hilary Swank wasn’t bad either. I cried from the very first scene until the last. Awesome movie. I started watching Remember Me today. I may finish it this weekend.

Planner: After a short vacay, I’m back to getting my to-do list in my planner and documenting what happened during the week.

This week
This week