I’m a toy that people enjoy

*******BREAKING NEWS******** Oh my fucking god! I passed the test!!! How the fuck? OMG. I passed. I needed a 70. I made a 73. WTF? I passed? OMG. I’m screaming right now. *&#^*

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They are currently grading my exam. I might find out my results tomorrow. Or I may have to wait until Monday.  I think that’s what happened last time. I had to wait over the weekend. Fun times. I will probably put a breaking news update at the top of this entry IF I pass. lol. If I fail, I will be too despondent. I honestly don’t know how I will feel if I fail. I don’t think I will be depressed because I’m kind of expecting it.

Depo-Provera update: Well, I think it is slowly working. Overall, I’m not sure I would recommend Depo. Okay, I wouldn’t. It only worked for me because I work at home and don’t go out a lot. Depo would have destroyed my life if I had to go out a lot. I know that sounds dramatic, but that is how bad (heavy) my periods were.

I shouldn’t say were because I still get heavy periods from time to time, but it is not as bad as it used to be 5 weeks after I started the Depo. I’m getting my 3rd injection next month. I hope by then my period is completely gone. I didn’t gain weight from it or get depressed or crazy mood swings. Those were the things I was most afraid of. I had no idea heavy periods were even a side effect!

I wish I had an IUD inserted, but I didn’t want to deal with all that. But it would be nice not to have to go get an injection every 3 months.

It looks like I’m going to a Jehovah Witness Bible study on July 15. In case anyone is new, I’m agnostic. I used to consider myself an atheist, but I’m not one anymore. I don’t even know much about the JW religion even though M has been coming to my house for over a year. lol. Recently I’ve rarely seen her because I’m usually out on Saturdays.

About a month ago, she came to my house during a weekday while I was working! I was soo pissed. (not very spiritual). Don’t mess with my work or my sleep. 😉 I know she could tell I wasn’t thrilled she interrupted my work. I thought I would never see her again, but she came by this past weekend to invite me to Bible study so unless something comes up, I’m going. Since it is a Saturday, I don’t see anything coming up.

I like learning about other religions. I used to study religions for fun while I was growing up. I’m not excited about the Bible study, but it’ll only last 30 minutes. I’m open minded, and I probably need to get out more. I just go grocery shopping and to doctors these days.

I always say I don’t have friends, but I guess M could be a friend. I’m not into the whole friends thing, but intellectually and spiritually I know I can’t be isolated.

This week I…

Music of the week: Lorde, Halsey, Ellie Goulding, Shakira, Ed Sheeran, Little Mix, Alicia Keys, Ariana Grande

Lorde is freaking fantastic. I never knew that until now. Anyone can do ONE good album. But her sophomore album is possibly better than her debut.

TV of the week: Bloodline, NBA Draft

Direct TV Now made my life a little bit easier, and I’m so thankful because I was stressing out about the service. They noticed that I wasn’t using it during the free trial week so they sent me an email with a FREE 30 days. Yay! I’m planning on canceling it before the trial is over because of the lack of DVR service, and I don’t want to pay $50 a month. I do plan on signing up for Hulu TV Live by October. Why October? That’s when the NBA season starts.

If Direct TV Now, comes up with a DVR service (without raising the price) within the next two weeks, I will consider keeping the service. I know they are thinking about it and probably planning it. I doubt they add it in two weeks. I wish they would.

Movie of the week: I swear I’m going to finish Me Before You this weekend.

Books of the week: I finished reading The Rules Do Not Apply by Ariel Levy. It was an okay read. I gave it 4 stars on Goodreads which is better than okay. The more I think about it the more average it was.  I don’t know who I would recommend it to. Maybe people who love memoirs?

Now reading:

I don’t know if I’m going to finish the Manson Murders book. It is so long, and I don’t think I have enough time. As of right now, I’m going to try to finish it. Haven’t given up yet. I put too many books on hold at the library.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: I’m going grocery shopping at two stores in my borrowed maxi dress from LeTote. lol. I don’t like grocery shopping so anything I can do to amp myself up, I do it. I had a 5-month break from LeTote because I don’t go out much in the winter. But now I’m back.

Thanks to all the people who have used my Lyon + Post referral link! I can’t thank you enough. I was able to order two blouses this week with the money from the link. 🙂

Even if I don’t pass the test, I probably won’t study this weekend. I will come up with a study plan though. I plan to read “for fun” this weekend. I really want to make a dent in Helter Skelter. I have never even seen the movie.

Thanks for reading. May you have a great weekend! 🙂

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Don’t wanna be buried in debt or sin

Don’t tell me God can cure me of anything. Don’t get me started on God. I was with you until you started verbally judging. I knew you were judging me from the start…anyone who says they don’t judge is lying. Lying to themselves and others. But to judge me to my face?! Whoa! Full stop.

I guess I was unclear in what I believe in. I believe in the Universe. It’s really, really simple. Maybe I misled her by saying I was spiritual. I said that once when we first met. What I meant was that I believe there is something larger than human life — the universe. Not some god. That is what ‘being spiritual’ means to me. I occasionally pray to the Universe. *gasp*

Now I don’t want to go to your Jehovah Witness meeting. (That doesn’t mean I won’t go – haven’t decided). This is why I don’t believe in organized religion. They have an answer for everything. And nothing is more annoying than someone/something that has a so-called answer for every. single. thing. And to totally disregard science? I could never be a Jehovah Witness. But I thought we could still talk. I’m open minded.

You lost me. I guess that is the point of this. I never looked forward to your visits but I tolerated them. I wasn’t even that anxious (when compared to being around other people). But now I have a little contempt for you. I’m not good enough ‘as is’. You are trying to change me. LOL. Get in line. It isn’t going to work but nice try. Maybe I don’t need changing (or maybe I don’t WANT to change) but you could learn a thing or two.

Everywhere I look there are people who want me to change. Why would I want to encourage you to tell me what you think is wrong with me?? I KNOW WHAT PEOPLE THINK IS WRONG WITH ME. I guess everyone thinks I’m stupid? They think I don’t know. That is comical to me. Maybe — just maybe — I don’t care! What a concept! Maybe I’m too busy living my life to be concerned about what you think of me.

Everyone can take a number and get in line if you want to tell me what you think is wrong with me. I am not going to act the way you want me to because I know I will never win that game.

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I had 4 days off from work (counting the weekend). Talk about being discombobulated. My whole schedule flipped upside down. I was still getting most of my “to-dos” done but I was going to bed at 1AM. I was napping at the strangest hours. I didn’t get much extra done. If I didn’t write it down, it didn’t happen. Now I have to get back on work schedule. When I have a real full week off (in July), I cannot let this happen again. I will go to bed at a reasonable time. I will have a schedule. I won’t waste time.

My next time off is in May for my birthday/cabin vacation. Can’t wait. I won’t be getting much done at home because I’ll be gone almost the whole time I’m off from work. But I do have some semi-fun projects I’m working on that I will take with me. (like Project Life and other hobbies). I’m determined to do Project Life for 2014 and 2015. I don’t know why…;)

kiss goodbye being realistic

Good news! Good news! Total yayness!!!! 🙂 🙂

I didn’t have jury duty at all this week. And so far I don’t have it on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. (Courts are closed Monday for MLK. I’m off from work too). YAY. I’m only on call for two weeks. It would be sooooooo nice if I didn’t have to report at all. I’m definitely holding my breath.

And….I don’t have to take my boards before October! Woot! Woot! (so many exclamation marks!!!) That is a huge relief. I do have to take it before 2015. That gives me a few more months to study. I’ll probably take them in September and December. I need all the time I can get. I’m so much of a geek, I can’t stop studying for it though. While working I’m watching/listening to videos on youtube about the test. I can’t help it. But at least the pressure is off. I can concentrate more on NOW. Now = school work.

(I thought I would have a hard time motivating myself for school this semester but I haven’t had that problem at all. When I’m not working, sleeping or reading for fun, I’m studying. I actually like this stuff. Weird).

And…my landlord had someone insulate my pipes. No shit, right? Does he have any idea how cold this house is? Even though I pay $200 for heat a month, I still have to wear 2-3 layers of clothes IN THE HOUSE AT ALL TIMES. Guess what? I’m still cold. But the good news is that the issue with the pipes has been addressed. 🙂

And…lol. As long as I don’t have jury duty on this Thursday, I will be going to see Michael Eric Dyson speak at a MLK event. I will get a chance to meet him (BREATHE) if I don’t chicken out. If you don’t know about Dyson, he is basically the smartest, funniest, guy on the planet. I’ve read 5 of his 16 books. (I personally think his speeches are 100x better than his books). He is officially a “public intellectual”. He also teaches at Georgetown. And he also is a minister, I don’t hold that against him because he has nothing against atheists. 😉

It would be so great to meet him and get him to sign one of his (my) books. O god. I’m already hyperventilating.

/end good news

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How do I get rid of really nice Jehovah Witnesses? I told them I don’t believe in God but they came back 3 weeks later. They are planning to come back on Sunday. I know most people wouldn’t open the door but my car is outside…It would feel really rude to just ignore them.

They asked me what I would get rid of if I could get rid of anything in the world. I said “poverty”. But wouldn’t it have been funny if I said homophobia? LOL. I crack myself up!  I thought of that right after they left. I don’t know if I would have the courage to say that to a religious group. I like to call out prejudices. I’m {fill in the blank} like that.

Anyway, now they are going on about how God doesn’t want poverty. Blah, blah. But I don’t believe in God so UGH! Moot point. If I don’t believe, anything you say about God to me is pure BS. Is that hard to understand? PEOPLE!!

Sorry for the outburst. I just don’t know how to make them go away. They did make me think about one thing after their first visit. He said most people have an event that makes them not believe in God. He asked me what that was. At the time I said, “uh, nothing really happened. I just stopped believing in my teens. I’m a spiritual person though”. Afterwards I think it might have to do with my social anxiety AND seeing people suffer. (natural disasters, terrorism, etc.)

I hated god for my social anxiety. Who would make someone friendless? (Btw, I’m used to it now so it isn’t a big deal or an issue in my life). I just thought whoever created SA was cruel. And then as I got older, I thought:  I would never believe in a god who would allow these horrible things to happen. I guess that is why I don’t believe in God. Also there is no proof. So there you go.

I’m going to tell the JW I don’t believe in God again  – if I can kindly slip it in. Maybe they will get it then. I’m not trying to be converted!

This is really long. I was supposed to be typing up my homework. Way to go………..I’m going to take a nap instead. Ha. I have all night to do homework. #TypicalFridayNight

Change the record

Siwe Monsanto, The Siwe Project’s namesake, would have been sixteen on March 8th of this year. Instead, she chose to take her own life on June 29, 2011. It was Siwe’s suicide that prompted Bassey Ikpi, a family friend, to found the non-profit. As a mental health advocate and a noted writer, Ikpi has maintained a transparent look into her own life with Bipolar II Disorder.  ”The aim is to create community. People with illness forging with those who support or have loved ones with an illness,” says Ikpi.  The Siwe Project believes that sharing stories not only fosters individual healing, but community transformation. The Siwe Project strategically uses new media to cultivate safe spaces to share new stories. Additionally, the organization works to widen the public dialogue regarding the experiences of people of African descent living with mental illness.

To learn more about the Siwe Project visit their website. no shame! End mental illness stigma. Thanks to Jay Smooth for tweeting about this project.

Here is a wonderful quote from Bassey Ikpi’s blog (found at http://basseyworldlive.com/) –

Never apologize for how you choose to take care of yourself.

WORD!

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I feel for anyone having to live through Issac. 😦 I don’t know how they do it. I don’t want to live through another tropical storm so I can’t imagine having to deal with a hurricane. Tropical storm Isabel was really bad. Parts of our city flooded. People went without power for a month. Businesses were closed for almost a year due to the whole area flooding. I can’t remember the name of the storm from last year. But the tree in front of my house cracked. I had to evacuate in case it did fall.  Luckily it didn’t fall on the house but my neighbors weren’t so lucky. Their tree fell right on their roof. Scary.

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This is a great tweet from writer Anne Lammot: “Here’s a good prayer; “Hello? Is there anyone there? I hate everything, and I’m not positive I believe in You. But I need help; Thank you.” I’m 100% sure I don’t believe in God but I do tell him or her to fuck off….not as much as I used to. 🙂 Sometimes I do kind of pray like that though. I know you don’t exist but if there is a 1% chance you do, please help me!!!!!!!!!!

Yes if there is a God, I used to be really pissed at him/her. Now I save my anger for those pesky humans. I can’t believe in a God with all this stuff going on. I know religion has answers for it. But since I’m not religious those convenient answers don’t matter to me. I used to be so mad that I had social anxiety*. What kind of god would give anyone THIS?  Or when I heard about anything happening to anyone I would ask that. I used to rage. Luckily, I’m not thinking about God that much anymore. Anne Lammot’s tweet just made me laugh because that used to be soooooooo me.

*Well I’m still not happy about it. haha.

I have since found Buddhism and I stopped focusing on this “God”. Btw, I’m not Buddhist or anything. LOL. I just follow the stuff I already believed before I even knew Buddhism even existed.

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OMG – AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just found out that next Monday is labor day. 🙂 I get a day off! WOW. I knew Labor Day was coming up but I thought it was September 10. Finally. I can’t wait until October 22. I get THREE days off after having none since June. amazing. :/

Wait there is more…college football starts this weekend (well, tonight I think?). And the U.S. Open is going on now. I will be sleeping and vegging out with sports this weekend. No work.  This. is. life. 🙂 I am so hyped right now. Friday cannot come soon enough.

Thou shall not worship

I have so many things I haven’t been blogging about it. I guess I should just begin at today instead of going back.

I had my first taste of eggnog. I don’t know if this is only a Christmas thing or Thanksgiving and Xmas but um, I like. That may be the only thing good about the holidays? Why do people act like you can only get it near this time of year? Surely that can’t be true, can it? Anyhow, I only had a very little since it was my mom’s. I may be buying my own bottle. 🙂

On a message board someone asked, “Why do you hate the holidays”? Most people said because of family obligations. God, I would hate that too. I don’t do any family stuff (besides exchanging gifts with the immediate family). I think the main reason why I dislike this time of year is the crowds. I can escape the mall crowds by not going to the mall but even the grocery store gets more crowded. Other than that I just put the holidays on IGNORE. Or at least I try. I really hate New Year’s too for different reasons. I won’t get into that now…

In good news, the lady who placed the $125 Avon order, ordered again ($98 this time!). And she plans to order again. It is good news because I thought I really fucked up. I think she just really likes Avon and can’t find another rep. That’s the spirit. I guess I’m just thankful that her order is covering costs. She helps me not lose money when ordering brochures.
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On Monday my coworker invited me to church (AGAIN). I used the football excuse last time so this time I just went. It was on a Friday night. And most Fridays nights I just do homework and laundry so I don’t feel like I’m losing too much time. But this is so inauthentic (and uh, I missed a really cool Veteran’s Day college Bball game). I feel this conflict within me but am I really losing anything? I felt resentful afterwards as I was walking to the parking lot. This is partly due to me messing up by leaving my cell phone at home. So when I got to the church we couldn’t meet up! UGH. I thought about leaving early several times. But I was in the middle of the row and even though others did it, I didn’t feel comfortable making people get up.

Christianity and what I believe do have things in common, of course. BUT THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE. Um, I don’t believe in worshiping a god. Yep, that is kinda huge. No one will ever be able to convert me because I just don’t believe in that little part of Christianity. I listen to the sermons and 90% of it is about worshiping so WTF am I doing there?

Generally Buddhism does not believe in a personal God or a divine being, it does not have worship, praying to, or praising of a divine being (although some sects do.) It offers no form of redemption, forgiveness, no heavenly hope, or a final judgment to those practicing its system. Buddhism is a moral philosophy, an ethical way to live for the here and now of this world to gain the ultimate state. It has more in common with humanism and atheism than its original religion Hinduism it separated from. But Buddhism is not atheism just because they don’t believe in a personal God. It is more like pantheism, there is a impersonal force the void which is the ultimate.

source
If we ever did something outside the church, I think I am ready to tell her that I don’t believe in worshiping a god. I will use Buddhism as my belief system (which is true…but I’m not a practicing Buddhist). I don’t want to bring it up at work because then everyone will hear. When I rarely talk at work it feels like public speaking because everyone can hear what you say. Recently we had to move our desks closer to one another. GAG. That is actually causing me a lot of grief right now but that is a whole ‘nother entry.

Anyway, I think I feel okay with saying, “I just don’t believe in worshiping a god”. I just need a chance to say it…She did say long ago that she did not want to offend me. SIGH. I’m not offended. I watch Christian programs from time to time. It’s not like there are a ton of eastern religious stuff on where I live. But it is different to go out of one’s way to go to a church when one does not believe.

I did listen to the sermon and once again I got the same message: I SHOULD QUIT MY JOB. haha. I always seem to get that message. Too bad I have nothing (skills, people etc.) to fall back on. Bummer. That will not be happening. Plus I’m hoping I will be working from home soon. Patience. Just hang on. This is hard. Struggling. lol.

The whole thing was really socially awkward. I was sitting by myself in a church. I took a beta blocker before to calm my nerves and I did notice that I was able to relax my face more but as soon as a person looked at me, I would tense up. Sigh.

I have a ton to do today. Gotta go.

Goodnight And Go

I just got a $100 Avon order!!! When she confirmed it for the 3rd time, I jumped up and down. The semi-bad news is that the day before I wrote my Avon entry, they decided to stop referring customers to people like me. People like me are people who don’t have big orders and a lot of customers. Now they are only referring customers to people who average $400 worth of Avon a month. LOL. So that counts me out. I will not be receiving any more voicemails from people saying, “Can you be my Avon rep?”

I am excited about the order…not because I want to excel at Avon but it is my biggest order EVER. 🙂 🙂 Like WOW. hehe.
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Ugh, change is happening at work. “People hate change”. I hear that so much. ugh. I just wish I had a warning. It is less overwhelming that way. My old boss knew to tell me about changes well in advance. Don’t just drop something on me, or I may freak out. The good news is that soon I may WILL be working at home. Some people will be going home in January. Since I’m relatively new, I may not get the chance until the end of 2012 or the beginning of 2013.

I’m slightly concerned because I have NO IDEA where I will be living. But worrying about that is pointless. I would have much more room, if I had my townhouse by then. I barely have enough room for an office at my mom’s house. I definitely don’t have a whole room. I have a tiny spot where a desk can fit in my bedroom.
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I really have to get out more. I wanted to leave my house because I disliked being there. But my mom’s house is comfy and she has great internet.:) So there is less incentive to go out. Plus I’m in school. etc. This weekend I will go to my house and throw some stuff out. Then I have to deliver Avon. The next weekend, I want to make a commitment to go to an 8:00AM yoga class.

I worked overtime for two weeks in a row. I’m taking two weeks off. I’m going to make it count.
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Speaking of getting out, a coworker asked me to go to a gospel concert on a SUNDAY. Hello???! Sunday = football. Actually Saturday does too but I have to get stuff done on one day so I’m willing to miss some college football games even though I love college football much more than the NFL. I like to stay in on Sundays because I have to ramp myself up for Monday. That has nothing to do with the football season.

I felt bad turning her down but between it being Sunday, football being on, and not really loving gospel music (it is okay) – it felt right to say no. I was being true to myself. I need to tell her one day that I’m not really open to the whole Christian thing. I so don’t want to go there. I’m open minded. I watch Christian TV shows. I read about Christianity but I’M NOT A BELIEVER in that.

How can she hear me if I’m not saying it? How do you say, “I don’t believe in Jesus”. Where I live, you don’t say that or think it. I don’t live in one of those cool places where anything goes.

Jesus doesn’t love me

It really hurts. Like I tweeted, I fell off a bed with two mattresses….onto a hard floor. 😦 My head, side and everything just aches. I’m sure I will be fine. Heh. But for now: Major OW!

(For the record like most of my entries, this entry is titled after a song. It isn’t a personal statement).

So I went to church against my will last night. Longest. Concert. Ever. It was kinda cool to see the “pastor from TV” in person. That was my favorite part actually. The music was pretty good. I didn’t mind some of the preaching but OMG, I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. (no offense). Sentences started off good but then the person would mention JC or their God and they totally lost me.

My coworker who dragged me there doesn’t know that I don’t believe in their God. I don’t even know who their God is…Um, the one in the Bible. (?) I believe in a higher power. I have no problems with people calling it a God. I just am 100% against a savior. I don’t believe in Jesus in that way. I have read the entire Bible. (okay, I might have skipped over some parts but I felt like I read the whole thing).

I’m not a Buddhist but that ‘religion’ describes my feelings more than anything. It was a nice church. The people were great. Etc. But I can never go to a place that places an emphasis on a savior. No one is saving me.

Socially I sucked last night. But as long as I didn’t kill my coworker’s buzz then I don’t feel too bad. I was so tired. And the whole thing was new to me. It wasn’t like anything I’d ever been to. I’ve only seen this stuff on TV! I was a fish out of water. I was frozen. I could only clap.

Going to that church made me think that I wouldn’t mind going to a Buddhist temple. I think we only have ONE so….uh, not happening. I like options. I did go to a Unitarian church about a year or so ago. That was uncomfortable too. (Shocker!) The real reason I didn’t go back is because they MAKE YOU go to a day long orientation. I can’t think of much worse than that*. Why would a church require that to join?

*as far as social stuff goes
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GOOD NEWS! Total yayness. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thanks to Living Social, I have 20 yoga or Zumba classes. Yay! It only cost me $20. I doubt I take 20 yoga classes in 60 days. They only offer yoga 3 times a week (during non work hours). Of course there is a perfect timing Zumba class. :/ I wouldn’t have to wait a hour+ after work to take it. I think I might try one Zumba class. I love to dance but from what I’ve seen Zumba is NOT my thing.

Since I only paid $20, I will be pleased with 6-7 yoga classes in 60 days plus maybe at least trying Zumba. I hope I like it but um, I don’t see that happening. The 60 days doesn’t start until I take my first class. Oh, and I have never been to this place before. But the website looks lovely. And it is very close to work.
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Ugh, My head aches.