If I were a different girl


95 days until my Getaway from DC 

The Depo-Provera is finally out of my system, and I’m so thrilled! It didn’t take that long. TMI Warning! My periods are much lighter (but not light) and only lasts 3 and a half days. Okay, you can say 4 days. Thank God. I’m loving the BC I’m on. I’m on Bilsovi Fe. The only downside is that my stomach is much bigger and it may have caused weight gain. 😦 BUT I think it might get rid of my period.

I was going to quit Bilsovi in the near future because I’m not having sex and the bleeding from the Depo is gone so why do I need it? But if there is a tiny chance it can get rid of my period, I will stay on it for at least a year. I’ve been on it for about 3 months so far. If you really care about weight gain and bloating, don’t take Bilsovi. I care, but I don’t care enough to quit just yet. I want to post this quote again about Bilsovi. It gives me hope:

After several months on treatment, bleeding may be reduced to a point of virtual absence. This reduced flow may occur as a result of medication, in which event it is not indicative of pregnancy.

I started with the good news first. Now the bad. The day before my birthday I’m getting a pap smear! ROFL. How much does that suck? Uh, at least it’s not on my birthday, right? It is very painful for me. I’m not looking forward to it. But how else am I going to continue to get my BC? I have to go to the OB/GYN. Plus, they were nice last year and said since I’m a virgin, I didn’t have to get a pap smear, so I’ll get one this year. I think I’m going to ask if she can put it on my record that I only have to get one every other year. It sounds like a good plan, but once I get in the doctor’s office, I probably won’t mention it. I’ll see. Once I get off BC (if It doesn’t stop my period), they won’t see me for a while.

I now realize that buying the MacBook Air was a horrible idea. Of course, I really knew that from the beginning. I blame it on the Abilify. I really do. I would have NEVER done something like this prior to being on it. Oh well. I bought it, and it’s here now. I’m not using the Air that much. I’m still using my HP.

I still love my Mac. Nothing’s change.  I should have waited until my HP was really dead. I should have had more patience through that Sunday morning instead of getting frustrated. I got pissed and wanted a new computer NOW. Eventually, the Mac will be my main computer, and maybe I won’t feel so bad. I know it’s worth having. It’s just weird because I’m barely using it. Such an expensive toy to barely use. It will be my primary computer once my HP is really dead.

Buyer’s remorse sucks! :/

I just got back from seeing my psychiatrist. I haven’t seen him in about 6 months. He doesn’t get it. This is why I was searching for a new doctor. I called a few people. I left messages. No one called me back. What should I do? Just show up and make an appointment? I don’t live that far from the office I want to go to.

Anyway, he was SHOCKED that I had side effects from quitting the Abilify. LOL. WTF? Am I supposed to believe that? Where is a competent doctor? I told him I had nausea and I couldn’t eat. Etc. Apparently, he has never heard of such. All he has to do is get on the Google Machine and see that other people have the same issue. And he’s a freaking doctor! He should know!

I talked him into giving me a 2mg dose of Abilify. I will split the pill in half and take 1mg a day. I have to use a mail order pharmacy, and unfortunately, it is snowing right now so I won’t be mailing it off tomorrow. I also won’t be able to test my lawn mower tomorrow due to the snow. 😦 I wanted to do it while I have a half day at work and while my neighbors would be working.

I’m really low on my anti-depressant. Really low as in I have been taking a half of dose for the past 3 weeks and I barely have anything left.  I have to mail these prescriptions off ASAP. I don’t know when I’m doing it. I probably won’t feel like going out and removing the snow from my car tomorrow. On Thursday, it is going to be 60 degrees. Why not just wait until the snow melts? Too bad I won’t have medicine. Whatever. I’ll live. First world issues.


What do I know?

If you hate reading about periods, skip the intro. Sorry. I want to sign up for 11 weeks of yoga. I can’t even do that because of Depo-Provera and my 3 month period. I’m not exaggerating. It isn’t heavy on most days, so I haven’t been complaining that much. But I’m getting sick of it. Like I said last week, if I didn’t work at home I would be screwed! I can only deal because I’m at home 90% of the time.

I’m getting my next Depo injection in mid-July. I’m giving it a whole year and then I have to try something else. I think I’m just going to go with birth control pills because my blood pressure hasn’t been high in about a year.  The period thing is absolutely ridiculous but…

I know what God is trying to do. The Universe is saying, “You wanted to get rid of your period, and it wasn’t even that bad. This is what a bad period is.” Well, I get it!!! lol. Can we move on now? No? Why not? I’m serious.

I’m sick of having a daily period. I’ve been on Depo for almost 6 months. It seems like it has been longer than that. Thanks to this blog, I know it’ll be 6 months on July 8th. I have 3 more months before I give up and you know what? I probably won’t even try another birth control method. Fuck it. I’ll just deal. 😦 Or should I give it a full year? I’m pretty sure everyone says it might take a full year for a period to disappear IF that even happens for me.

So yeah, I’ll give it a year. Sorry for talking about my period so much but this blog is about my life, and this is what is going on in my life right now.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ed Sheeran, Lorde, Jillette Johnson, Halsey, India.Arie, Solange, Lea Michele, Michelle Branch

Shakira is coming to DC in January! I wanna go…but I’m not going. 😦  Blah.

TV of the week: Big Brother, Grey’s Anatomy

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: 

Now reading:

I will have a lot to say about The Residence once I finish reading it this weekend. My favorite thing to do these days is to go outside with my dog after dinner and sit outside and read. I even bought a chair for outside. I was tired of sitting on the porch (too much sun) and sick of sitting on the ground (too many insects). Now my house feels more like a home. Amazing what a wicker chair can do. 🙂

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping on Saturday. Then on Sunday, I’m going to an office park to mail my mail and take my dog for a long walk around the office park if doesn’t rain. Good exercise for me and fun for the pup.

I bought a course that should help me do my part-time job better (if I ever work again!). I’m working on that over this weekend. And I’m doing a lot of leisure reading. I want to finish these books.

Have a nice weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂


I see no beauty in the resistance

I just want my fucking period to END. Why can’t I have a very early menopause? Depo-Provera has fucked up my period, and I’m not happy. I know it is supposed to take a minimum of 6 months to end a period. It could take up to a year. I will probably have my period on my vacation next month, and that sucks.

I’ve had my period for 11 days. However, it wasn’t all bad. Only the past 3-4 days have been bad and just obnoxious. I can’t wait for this to be over.

To make all this worse, I was listening to a talk this morning and someone mentioned Viktor Frankl surviving the Holocaust and I still felt bad for myself. ugh.

People without a meaning in their life are exposed to aggression, depression, and addiction

-Viktor Frankl

I was going to do an entry on my spiritual practice and I probably will. But right now, I’m not feeling very spiritual. After what happened in the waiting room at my PCP’s office, I thought about giving up. But now that I’m back in the safety of my own home, I probably won’t give up.

I don’t feel like the Universe has my back right now.  I woke up feeling this way. And then I went to the doctor’s office, and everything exploded. I didn’t take Klonopin before I went and that was the problem. Klonopin relaxes me. I have to take it when I’m around people. Have to, or I will have experiences like I did today.

A woman was kicking her feet up. Full stop. I know this sounds crazy. It would be nice if someone could relate to how much this bothered me. Anyway, she knew it was driving me nuts. I tried to turn away from her (not the whole time). She kept kicking higher. The point is that why bother being “spiritual” if I can’t sit in a doctor’s office with other people?

What if I can’t enjoy Kripalu because other people are there? What if I can’t work at a different job because people are there? Doesn’t that make me screwed? How can I be spiritual with this going on? Spirit works through people. I have no people. I can’t be the lighthouse for others. What others? I can try to blog about it, and the people who need to read what I have to say will find my blog. That’s one way I can be a tiny lighthouse.

I felt defeated as I waited for the doctor to come see me. I feel better now. But I’m still questioning everything about the Universe and spirituality.

My blood pressure is somewhat fine. It was 120 over 78. Unbelievable. How did that happen? It could be situational. Or it could be the green juice and exercise. I don’t know. I don’t understand why my blood pressure is sometimes high and sometimes fine. I went to the GYN almost 3 months ago. My blood pressure was 130 over something. That’s prehypertensive. It could be due to me being terrified at the OB/GYN. But I don’t think so.

I was shocked when the nurse told me my BP. Shocked and relieved.  I had bloodwork done, and I’m waiting for results.

Instead of an entry detailing my newish spiritual practice, I leave this instead because this is where I am with the Universe and everything.

Time for me to take action

Why not start with a Depo-Provera update? This is the worst period I’ve ever had as far as how much blood I’m losing. This can’t be healthy. I’m on DP because I was losing a lot of blood for 2 days of my cycle. This seems like more than that, but I haven’t been keeping track and I should have. But it just FEELS that way. Next time I will keep track (if It ever stops – ARGH!).

Cramps also came back after not having bad cramps for the past 8-9 months. Thanks a lot, Depo Provera. No weight gain. My weight is steady. I’m grateful for that. I’m not happy about having a heavier period. That sucks. 😦 It should be only temporary, though. It better be!

The nurse practitioner did ask if I wanted an ultrasound to see why I have heavy periods. But I didn’t know if I was losing an unusual amount of blood, so I said no I’ll just try the Depo. Now I feel like I am losing a lot of blood, but I really don’t know for sure.

All I know is that I’m going on vacation with my dog and mom for my birthday (in May). I need to not have my period during that time. Thank you, Universe. Please?

I started drinking my green juice. It’s called Super Greens. It was affordable compared to the $70 bottle of green juice powder. Of course, it is not available on Amazon right now, so I couldn’t ask for it for my birthday. My mom wanted my birthday list 2 months ago, so I had to get it in this weekend. Anyway… Hopefully, it will be back soon so I can order it in the future. I can’t tell how much it is working for energy. I have been drinking less diet Mountain Dew, and I do feel like it might be working, but I’m not 100% sure.

Ugh, my dad is coming back to the United States…to live with my mom…maybe forever! (They are happily divorced). This is only a problem because when I have to take them to the store, I almost have a freaking anxiety attack. I can barely drive UNLESS I take a Klonopin which I will do.But it is still very awkward. I will try praying, meditating, and tapping before I take them anywhere. I’m fine with taking my mom places. I do it all the time.

I still have a lot of social anxiety around my dad, so it’s really hard. I’m so nervous about this. He’s coming next weekend. Oh dear. I’m going to try to work my spiritual tools over this issue. I hope it works. I need it!

I tapped my pain away


73 days until my birthday vacay

106 days until my certification exam

And on the 12th day, I started spotting (just a little). Why did I want to put a TMI alert on this? My whole blog is TMI!  I knew being on Depo-Provera, for just a few weeks would not completely stop my period. It just changed it. Oh well. Hopefully, soon I won’t have a period. That’s the whole point. If I still have a period after a year of injections, I’m done with Depo. I don’t want to give it a whole year, but I feel like I should base on what I’ve read.

I’ve been tapping off and on for years on EMOTIONAL issues. It worked most of the time (temporarily since I didn’t do it consistently). It always relaxed me. But the mouth/tooth pain is back 😦 I’ve been in a little pain. So I decided to try to tap on the pain since so many people swear it works. Well, I can say that it worked for me!!! I’m not kidding.

I took Anbesol for my tooth pain. It didn’t work. That’s strange because it did work last time I took it.  I kept working, and I thought I’ll figure something out when I get off.  I was going to just try more Anbesol, but I decided to try tapping first. My pain was at a seven before I tapped. (10 being the worst pain). I tried tapping with three different videos because I had never tapped on physical pain, so I wanted to try different people.

But one video worked more than the others. I’d never heard of this woman before. Her name is Dr. Kim D’Eramo. She’s awesome. 🙂 On Wednesday, I  tapped with her and got my pain down to a 3 or 4, and on Thursday I got my pain down to a zero or 1. (!!!!) I’m not kidding. I have nothing to gain by lying about this. Anyway, here is the video that worked for me:

Skip to around the 5-minute mark if you are already familiar with tapping. Instead of repeating what she said, I was very specific. For example, I said “the pain in my mouth” instead of the general things she said.

I’m in awe that it worked. Now I’m a firm believer in tapping. I will tap on any and everything. Thank you, Universe! I could go on and on about tapping since I rarely blog about it. But I’ll stop for now.  IT WORKED. Hallelujah!

This week I…

Music of the week:  Ryan Adams, Grace, Ed Sheeran, John Mayer, BROODS, Miranda Lambert, Snatam Kaur, Nirinjan Kaur Khalsa

TV of the week:  basketball, My 600-lb Life

I feel guilty for liking My 600-lb Life since the subjects are miserable, but most people make positive changes. I hate seeing this show trend on Twitter. It’s always people saying things like, “How can you let yourself get this big?” or about how disgusting these people are. Very mature. Have these people ever heard of food addiction? Apparently not or they just don’t care. I don’t read the comments anymore.

Back to the show: The one thing I can’t get over is how a lot of these people on the show never had therapy. HELLO? How come doctors don’t recommend they get therapy immediately? Obviously, these people have an issue with food. It is like some of them aren’t even aware they really are addicted to food. And I guess that is the real problem. Can’t solve what you don’t acknowledge. I think I read 1/3 of Americans have a food problem. It’s either addiction or restricting food. That is why so many people are overweight.

Movie of the week: I’m in the middle of OJ: Made in America. This documentary is so good! It’s brilliant. I would definitely recommend it. Parts of it are very hard to watch. I feel bad for Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. Ron was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And poor Nicole. She was battered by this guy for years! What a sad ending. She knew he would eventually kill her. I’m sure I’ll have more to say when I finish the movie.

I’m just glad OJ had a miserable life afterward. A person can’t kill someone, get away with it, and then have a great life. It’s called KARMA.

Books of the week: I finished reading Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything by Geneen Roth. I gave this book 4 stars. It’s a good introduction to Geneen Roth and food issues. I have another book of hers I plan to start soon that will probably be better.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren planner:


Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping, studying, dropping books off at the library, reading, blah, blah, blah. Nothing too exciting. I think I’m going to wait until next week to mow my lawn. I’m trying to delay it for as long as possible.

Have a great weekend and thanks for reading! 🙂


When I’m on my own

I just ordered this:


I’m nuts. Totes. I’m picking it up on Saturday. It is a Samsung HDTV 28“. I don’t have room for anything bigger since I’m not mounting it on the wall. The story is that my other HDTV stopped working on Xmas eve. So I’ve been using a kind of low-quality TV ever since.

A short update on Depo-Provera: No period. Unbelievable, right? I’m only 4 days late, but I’m never THAT late. I have a hard time believing that being on birth control for 2 weeks, stops my period. LOL. I wish. I hope. PLEASE!!!!

I’m worried that I’m going to be late and then I will have my period on my birthday vacay in May. 😦 That would suck. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. But who wants to deal with that on their vacation? Not me. Screw periods. I’m so over them.

I have to go. I want to get some reading in before I get too tired. Bye!

Pray for time

George Michael was everything!  He was part of my musical awakening. I watched his music video for Freedom probably about 1,000 times. I taped it and rewatched it constantly. I made my mom watch it once or twice. Wham was before my time. I appreciate his solo work. I love him so much. 😦

Here is my favorite George Michael song and one of the best videos ever made:

Today is the first day I’ve been able to eat all my breakfast in a while. I don’t eat a lot for breakfast. Breakfast is my smallest meal of the day, yet for the past two weeks, I couldn’t even eat that.

Still not feeling depressed anymore, but I’ve been irritable all day. I think it’s because work is going so slow. I’m trying to be productive, but it didn’t show up in the results. I need to do better tomorrow.

I was thinking about getting an IUD. (Nice segue!) That was the plan. But now that I’ve read more about it, nope. It seems to work best for women that have given birth vaginally. That’s not me.

No, I’m not having sex or anything. You didn’t really think that. Did you? 😉 I just want my period to stop. I’m going to the gynecologist in March to talk about birth control options. I shouldn’t have waited this long. But like I said previously, my period has only been a nuisance for a couple of years. I know that might seem like a long time to people, but I usually put up with bad things for a while. I’m the queen of avoidance. 

I’m not looking forward to going to the gynecologist for obvious reasons. She’s going to make me have a pap smear when all I want to do is get a prescription for birth control. Not right. But I think I will put up with it just to get rid of my period.

I don’t have bad cramps for the most part. I have in the past. I don’t even have long periods. My periods lasts about 4-5 days. BUT 2 or 3 or those days I have a heavy flow. Why do I feel like this is TMI? Because it is. Anyway, I’m sick of not working out or mowing my lawn because I’m on my period. I love when I don’t have to go out when I have my period. I try not to schedule anything for those days, and I’m sick of it.

I hope she’ll give me something.  I don’t know why she would say no, but I don’t know much about birth control. I’ve never been on it.  One woman said she got an IUD and her periods were heavier. WTF? That’s the whole point of getting it. So I’m going to trust my doctor and maybe we can try different options if the first thing doesn’t work out.

I’ll be back later this week. Bye!