Don’t wanna be buried in debt or sin

Don’t tell me God can cure me of anything. Don’t get me started on God. I was with you until you started verbally judging. I knew you were judging me from the start…anyone who says they don’t judge is lying. Lying to themselves and others. But to judge me to my face?! Whoa! Full stop.

I guess I was unclear in what I believe in. I believe in the Universe. It’s really, really simple. Maybe I misled her by saying I was spiritual. I said that once when we first met. What I meant was that I believe there is something larger than human life — the universe. Not some god. That is what ‘being spiritual’ means to me. I occasionally pray to the Universe. *gasp*

Now I don’t want to go to your Jehovah Witness meeting. (That doesn’t mean I won’t go – haven’t decided). This is why I don’t believe in organized religion. They have an answer for everything. And nothing is more annoying than someone/something that has a so-called answer for every. single. thing. And to totally disregard science? I could never be a Jehovah Witness. But I thought we could still talk. I’m open minded.

You lost me. I guess that is the point of this. I never looked forward to your visits but I tolerated them. I wasn’t even that anxious (when compared to being around other people). But now I have a little contempt for you. I’m not good enough ‘as is’. You are trying to change me. LOL. Get in line. It isn’t going to work but nice try. Maybe I don’t need changing (or maybe I don’t WANT to change) but you could learn a thing or two.

Everywhere I look there are people who want me to change. Why would I want to encourage you to tell me what you think is wrong with me?? I KNOW WHAT PEOPLE THINK IS WRONG WITH ME. I guess everyone thinks I’m stupid? They think I don’t know. That is comical to me. Maybe — just maybe — I don’t care! What a concept! Maybe I’m too busy living my life to be concerned about what you think of me.

Everyone can take a number and get in line if you want to tell me what you think is wrong with me. I am not going to act the way you want me to because I know I will never win that game.

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I had 4 days off from work (counting the weekend). Talk about being discombobulated. My whole schedule flipped upside down. I was still getting most of my “to-dos” done but I was going to bed at 1AM. I was napping at the strangest hours. I didn’t get much extra done. If I didn’t write it down, it didn’t happen. Now I have to get back on work schedule. When I have a real full week off (in July), I cannot let this happen again. I will go to bed at a reasonable time. I will have a schedule. I won’t waste time.

My next time off is in May for my birthday/cabin vacation. Can’t wait. I won’t be getting much done at home because I’ll be gone almost the whole time I’m off from work. But I do have some semi-fun projects I’m working on that I will take with me. (like Project Life and other hobbies). I’m determined to do Project Life for 2014 and 2015. I don’t know why…;)

Boom. Gone.

Thank G-d I was rereading Wayne Dyer’s Your Sacred Self on Saturday. If I had not been, the day probably would have been a disaster.  Instead I was calm and forgivable. I understand that she is just acting this way due to her circumstances. I get that. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to vent. 😉

She has no patience anymore. She’s irritable almost all the time. She is resentful. If I were living her life, I would probably be the same way or maybe worse! So I do get it. What this has taught me is to never be in that situation. Don’t give your life to someone else. That is just a recipe for misery and resentment. In most cases but not always, there is a better solution.

What if I thought in black and white? What if I didn’t understand that people just react to their circumstances?*  What if I just cast her off as a mean person? What if I thought this was who she really was? What if I judged her harshly instead? I’D BE GONE. That would be a huge loss to her because I do a lot for her.

I will admit that I do see less of her because she is almost always stressed out. And I don’t need that. I don’t want that. etc.

*I should say regular, non-enlightened everyday folk…like me!

I rarely reread books but Your Sacred Self used to be one of my bibles. I recently brought the Kindle version because I can’t find my print edition (and I was desperate for inspiration). That sucks because I had so many passages outlined in that book. Now I’m highlighting again as I go along so I can have the quotes on my Kindle. Btw, I brought the original from Barnes & Nobles so I won’t be able to buy it for a low price using Amazon’s matchbook service. I can’t wait for that to start. I check the site daily.

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This new manager thing is UGH! He sent me a cryptic email after I agreed to work OT tomorrow. I didn’t even want to work it but I just did it so maybe I could get a day off in November. Doing things for the wrong reason is always a bad idea. Anyway, I just want a day off in the future. This no time off thing is not working for me. Tomorrow is going to be a looooong day and I don’t even thinks he wants my help even though he asked for it. (???)

Frustrated.

I am also frustrated with the wheat free thing. I am doing wheat free and no processed foods. All of a sudden I’m sick of all the food I’ve been eating for the past 5 weeks. I need new breakfast options or I might quit. I don’t know. I will never eat bread again but I am questioning how bad wheat really is for me. I do believe the research but I might just ignore it. 😉

And I was thinking of doing a wheat free, sugar free cleanse. ROFL. Not happening.

Give me fire

I might be going to see John Mayer in concert again!!!!!! Tickets go on sale on Sept 20. Barring anything financial stopping me I will be buying a ticket. I can always sell the ticket if I have to. I saw him in 2010 for the first time. I had a great seat to see him in a small venue in 2012 but he had to have throat surgery and the show was canceled. The show isn’t until December. YAY. Exciting. I’m just glad he is coming back.

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I made the wheat free mini pizzas. I would not recommend them if you are trying to lose weight. It is one of those wheat free but not healthy foods. I WILL NOT be eating these regularly. The pizzas tasted soooo good though. It was better after putting it in the fridge and microwaving it the next day. Here are the pictures:

step one

step one

finished product

finished product

I didn’t exactly follow the recipe from the book “Wheat Belly”. (<—recipe there) For two pizzas, I used:

  • 2 wheat free pizza crusts
  • 3/4 of a 1lb of beef
  • 6 slices of mozzarella cheese
  • 4.5 oz marinara sauce
  • a little bit of Parmesan cheese

I baked it for about 20 minutes. Of course I cooked the beef first. I would have used pepperoni but I could not find them at Kroger. I would like to try a dairy free pizza. The best thing about being wheat free is that I am no longer eating processed food as a part of my diet.

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I had a weird encounter with a neighbor on Labor Day. Well I don’t really consider him a neighbor. It would take me about 15 minutes to walk to his house. First he just came into my yard on his scooter like it was his place. I was mowing the lawn. Boundaries people! He acted like I had to talk to him. Like he deserved answers from me. I HATE when people do that. #1 You aren’t a neighbor. #2 You don’t have the right to know shit.

But I was nice. I even said something I would never say without the other person saying it first. “Nice meeting you”. I don’t know where I got that fake BS from. It just popped into my head and I actually said it! What I did love was that he didn’t say it back. LOL. Keeping it real. I like. 🙂

What really bothered me is he said some “devilish” stuff was going on. Um, okay. I have nothing to do with that. I stay in my house. I don’t talk to anyone. I bother no one. I think I have one real neighbor (The wife died before I moved here. I think the husband or someone lives there. All I know is that the house is for sale).  I felt like he was accusing me of something. Whatever is going on, it isn’t my fault. I live 15 minutes away from you. We aren’t even neighbors. WTF are you even here for?

He also insisted that my car was gone at night. HUH??! Unless someone is stealing it every night and returning it (nicely) in the morning, my car is not gone overnight. So strange.

The whole thing bothered me. If I had kids or an outdoor pet, I would  swear they must be bugging someone. I don’t even go outside that much! I’m only outside to go to my car, mow the lawn and occasionally read on the porch. I don’t get it.

People. Can’t live with them.

No more standing in the back of the line

Sigh. I know I recently started my entry with “Work is kicking my ass”. UGH! It hasn’t gotten any better. The changes at work are horrible. Everyone hates it and complains about it but at least they are above water. Barely. I keep getting behind. I just want to constantly scream. I’m going to see what I can do tomorrow. I could go on and on about work because it is so important. I kind of need it, you know? It won’t need me if this continues……I’m trying really hard but that isn’t good enough.

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Ladies, I’m going to keep coming to water aerobics on Tuesday whether you like it or not. You can go on another day if YOU would like but I’m not changing. I won’t be there this Tuesday probably but every Tuesday after that, I plan to be there. The difference between catty girls and catty guys is that I would be humiliated and terrified if a guy said those things. I would be so ashamed and never go back. Girls – whatever! (They are definitely women but I always refer to females as girls. Bad habit I guess?)

I’m always worried about what others will think. I don’t want to offend them or stick out in anyway. I’m not talking about the water people. Is it okay to do core work (sweaty work) and then go right to yoga? It is in the same room with the same instructor. I think some people stay for both. I want to do both. But in the back of my mind I’m going: What if I stink after doing core work? It is only a 30 minute class but it is probably like doing pilates for an hour.

I just need to deal with it: People don’t like me. They will never like me. No matter what I do. I swear I have half accepted it…okay almost 100% accepted it but there’s this little part of me that wonders WTF did I do? Fuck it, I don’t know social cues. Screw it.

Sorry for the outburst.

Anyway, I got my taxes back finally. I am now paying $14 less than people who makes twice what I make. It doesn’t seem right. I think it is because I’m single. People with kids probably get much more bang for their buck at the Y. They get free childcare etc. My current gym schedule is:

Sunday: gentle yoga

Tuesday: water aerobics

Wednesday: core class and hatha yoga (back to back)

I might add something else. I want to do cardio but I can’t find anything that isn’t choreographed and fits my schedule. I tried zumba at another gym. It was okay but not my thing. I just want to make sure I get the most for membership. This is what happens when it isn’t free! 😉

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I don’t blog as often as I used to because I’m terrified to move in my apartment. Sad but true. I try to limit my movements. In a way the Y is my saving grace. I get to leave my place and go somewhere!! WOW. This why my entries are so long when I do blog on the weekends. I’m not at home right now. I’m semi-free!

I worked at the library and the mall today. I had to get away. My neighbors have been home from work. Ugh, what if they get President’s Day off? (I don’t). The library is probably closed so I may find myself at the mall. The good thing about the library is there are plugs!! My laptop battery will not last for 7-8 hours. No way.

Paralysis and fear = my life right now

Oh, I’m watching “Girls” on DVD. I don’t think I’m getting it. haha.

I’m going to do another post soon. I will try to be coherent. Right now I’m so tired and I can’t think a full thought.

Don’t be a girl about it

You can Judge me, love me If you’re hating me, do it honestly. You can tell, you can tell me, you can tell me, you can tell me, you can tell me. Face me. Make me listen to the truth even if it breaks me. You can judge me, love me If you’re hating me… Would you face me?

They think what I’m doing is about them. All I am doing is protecting myself. How could they take something I do personally? Even I know that if a person acts the same way around everyone that you can’t take it personally.

People hate Taylor Armstrong but what she said is so true:

If you can’t be my friend, then just don’t be my enemy.

That is all I ask. That would be what anyone wants right? Just to be left alone…if you hate me. Why do you have to be my enemy and say and do nasty things. Just leave me alone!

I don’t go out of my way to hurt you. I am protecting myself from you as much as I can. I need to realize that I can’t control you. I get it intellectually, of course but I don’t really get it.

This job will be the death of me. If only…If only…Am I…When am I going to get to work at home? I’m so sick of this. Why can’t they just leave me alone until I figure something out.

The environment is so toxic. And in my opinion, all they have to do is SHUT UP. But of course that would be too easy. And maybe they can’t help it. They have reverse social anxiety. I’m not making a joke about SA. I really think diarrhea of the mouth should be a mental health issue.

Only hurt when I breathe

I hate when I act the way they perceive me. People don’t talk about this. I guess it is filed under “self destructive behavior”. It sounds extreme. I’m not doing anything illegal. But it is self destructive. ARGH! I hate when I do this.

I should be writing this in my paper journal. My paper journal is just a ramble. I use it to work through things. It does help. I don’t use it as much as I used to because I’m scared of leaving it somewhere. I need to journal at work. That would be really helpful. However, I know myself and I know I leave/lose things all the time so that could be a disaster.

I’m rambling about nothing. I hate social shit.

We had to work in groups. I’m fine with this particular group in short bursts but after 30 minutes I want to scream “BREAK! BREAK! I need to breathe! Will you please stop talking? Will you please not invade my personal space (lol)? Is anyone else in another group going nuts?”

GAHHHHHHHHHH!

The good thing is that I’m not failing at it. I’m not saying much…because the other 2 people know more than I do. However, I am the doer of the group (not by choice – it just happened that I have the best um, system). Since I’m the doer, there is no time to zone out like I normally would to just think. I have a hard time breathing in a healthy way around people. They don’t have to be near me. If they are 30 feet from me but I can hear them, I have to physically get up to stop holding my breath and breathe.

I do having relaxation techniques. So far I’ve been to self conscious to do most of these things in public. It would be a semi victory to get me to do this in public. I used to do the breathing thing but I got “caught” and public and she started mocking me. Guess what? I haven’t done it around people since. SIGH. PEOPLE SUCK. I WANT TO LIVE IN A CAVE.

The whole being tense around people is why I’d stopped doing overtime. I feel it is unfair to not work every single minute of OT. It is a moral thing for me. I don’t care what others do since it isn’t my business. When I’m tense from holding my breath and muscles, I’m working slower. I can’t do OT like that. Now that I can get a private space (just for OT), I do OT. But I think the others are starting to resent it which means it will end. No one told them they couldn’t do OT privately. THEY NEVER THOUGHT OF IT BECAUSE THEY DON’T NEED IT.

That is my fault, right?

Whatever. So the group thing isn’t going horribly. LOL. 😉 But damn, I wish I could breathe. Haha. And I did have a bad experience this afternoon. I’m usually good one on one so this just hurt a little more. It was stupid. I’m mostly over it NOW. I was vulnerable and once again got rejected. I know I don’t have to see it that way. But for the next hour that is how I felt. Being vulnerable doesn’t pay off for me. Am I doing it wrong? Or should I not be vulnerable which is what I do 99% of the time.

Oh vey. I just want to be normal.

Fuck. This human social thing is too much. They don’t speak to me unless they know I have to work with them on that day. LOL. Such social behavior. Do they think I don’t notice that? I don’t care but I just want to ask, “Are you AWARE of what you are doing?” Or is it just a social normal thing that people do without thinking?

Sigh. People. Different but yet the same.

I somehow survived going to Walmart at 4:30 this afternoon. I have food! Total yayness. Yes I’m being sarcastic. ( I know true survivors are POWs, etc.) The parking lot was horrible but the store wasn’t that bad. I’m thinking doing a long OT session tomorrow. I hope I didn’t jinx it by saying what I said above. I’m not mentioning again. Shhh!

I can’t believe I will be in school in less than a month. I won’t be able to take a medicine that make me sleepy. Luckily Zoloft is not on the list so no worries there. But I’ve been nurturing myself by sleeping, listening to music and reading. That will end. I’ll still get some in but homework and studying is more important. This is more of a reason to do New Year with a bang…I guess.

Never gonna get it

This entry will seem like a broken record. However, it seems like someone from my 3D life has found my blog or it has taken this person weeks to say something clever. (yes I’m being facetious).

I’m not friendly. If friendly means nice to you fine. I used to be nice until I heard what people were saying. They said bad things about me simply because I didn’t talk! I was a loner. An introvert…and shy. When I heard people saying these things I was hurt. Why should they talk about me just because I’m shy? (so naive!) Um, after years of listening to people talk about me and other people I figured out how people operated.

Yeah, I’m not so nice anymore. In fact I’m fed up with most people. I give some a chance but then I find out they are just like “most people”. I’ve grouped them into the group called “social people”.

Why am I always having to explain myself?

JNx: “I’m a social person”.

(What I wanted to say): I’m not so STFU!

😉

I can’t even begin to think how these people think. It’s foreign to me. Everything I’ve figured out is through keeping quiet and studying/analyzing them.

Why am I meditating on them? Well it’s kinda hard not to. They dictate everything. They set the norms. I’m considered weird because of their perceptions. I’m fed up! A little.

I started this entry because I’m so confused on how I’m the bad person when it comes to everything (heh) but specifically house guests. A person who doesn’t mind house guest could not be more different than me. I know these people exist. Google “house guests” and you’ll find being who get OFFENDED if you don’t want them to stay at your place.

Baffling. My place is my only semi-safe place. To have someone demand to stay there is rude, unsympathetic. I go to work where people are constantly around. When I finally get home and close the door, it is nice to finally let loose and be weird me. I’m pretty sure if I were me at work, I would not be there. Trust me. With a person being at my home, I have to continue to be on again. Being on 18/7 is exhausting (for me).

WHY AM I EXPLAINING MYSELF AGAIN? I’m territorial. You invaded my turf. Got it? Probably not.
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I was feeling sick on Thursday. Physically & mentally. That morning I decided it was easier to just buy coffee instead of making it. I had the best, filling breakfast burrito and a cappuccino. But turning to food for comfort is bad for so many reasons. Not just because it could turn into a health hazard. I don’t want to spend $4.00 on breakfast. I’m working OT every Saturday to pay for school. I’m not working that much OT (about 16 hours a month which is nothing compared to what the work at home people do. My god, they must be rich….Overtime won’t last forever. The hiring freeze is going away soon. I’m thrilled about that but they still won’t/can’t hire enough people).

I’m so glad we get an extra hour tonight. Yay.

I have to register for classes at work on Monday. I will figure out how many classes I’m taking tomorrow. I’m leaning towards 4 instead of 3 because I want the summer off. I have no idea how much this is going to cost me. I’ve been avoiding it. I’m scared…………….

Tomorrow I will make sure I have all the user names, passwords, class #s so I can register at work. I was supposed to do it from the comfort of my laptop but I’m in training at work and can’t take any time off. :/