Heavy Boots

Yoga wasn’t so great today. I was too self conscious so it was my fault. The neighbors are back after being gone for 3 weeks. I hate people.  I was grateful when they were gone. I said my “thank yous” daily. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. I’m so not looking forward to that.

I should be working on a paper I have due but arugh school sucks. I’m being super positive in this entry. It is what I do. Edit: I just turned in the crappiest paper.

I wanted to blog about coming out as asexual. I want to believe that people don’t care. Who cares about who I’m not sleeping with? Why should it matter? And I don’t think the majority of LGBT people are familiar with asexuality. I could be really wrong about that. I’m sure they are more familiar than the rest of the population but I have a hard time believing that asexuality is seen as normal within that group.  But if I went to a meetup* of LGBT people, would  I have to explain it? I couldn’t just say “I’m asexual” like a person would say “I’m gay”. I would have to say more. And why would I want to do that?

It’s funny, I just saw a post about people not believing in bisexuality. LOL. ROFL. Are you serious??? Try asexuality!! I soooooo wanted to say that but I’m shy online too. And that would open a whole can of worms. haha. I definitely believe in bisexuality. I am attracted to people…just not sexually. I am attracted to women and men. To me that is so natural. I can’t imagine it any other way.

*about the meetup of LGBT people. I found one…sort of. It isn’t that close to me but I could go once a year. I was interested but then I saw that they went back to one of their houses after doing a few other things. That is way too formal for me. I. can’t. do. that. Go to a stranger’s house? My idea would be going to the beach (which I guess is boring because no one recommended that) or just going to museums/local attractions. I guess a restaurant has to be thrown in even though that is not my thing. I know eating out is normal so I get that. But going to a person’s house? Hell naw. 😉 Plus it seems like they already know each other….obviously. I would hate being the new person and then being asexual. O god.

I think I had a point. I guess I think sexuality is private. No one needs to know what I’m doing…or errr, not doing. I do want people to know about asexuality but not through me. However, I think if I were gay/bisexual, I would probably feel totally different. I would want to be ABLE to be out. But I’m a naturally private person anyway. (That is the reason this blog is anonymous). I don’t like people knowing much about me at all. So sexuality? Yeah, none of your business. Next.

I do want people to know that there is nothing wrong with being asexual. But asexuals are only 1% of the population according to some sources. I think it is more but whatever. So what would me being out and asexual do since I’m so shy?? It is sort of a non thing to me. I’m thinking out loud which is why this entry is all over the place. It is sort of like being an atheist. Who talks about what they don’t believe in?

I’m not really conflicted over this. I don’t have anyone to come out to. You know what really made me look into LGBT meetups? The Rachael Sage concert. The people there were totally different…in a good way. I almost felt acceptance except I wasn’t because I wasn’t really me. Does that make sense?

I think if there is one group of people for me, it would have to be LGBT people. I don’t think I fit in anywhere else. Hmmm. Just thinking.

Tomorrow I’m going to the doctor for the first time in 3 years. I shall have tales of horror to blog about after that!

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Living the scared life

OH SHIT! It has hit the fan at work. Everything was going…okay. But remember nothing stays the same. Um, did a 360 have to happen? I’ve dealt with 180s. C’mon WTF did I do to deserve this? Let me back up: This is not about me losing my job. Thank Buddha. It has nothing to do with that.

It is social crap. That sounds like nothing. However, I am terrified to go to work on Monday. I keep wondering if terrified is the right word. But I think it is….social anxiety is about fearing social situations. Yep, I’m “irrationally” terrified.

I just wish all of this hadn’t happen on a Friday. I’m trying to not let it ruin my weekend but it probably already has. FUCK. Why did I let them see me scared? Why did I runaway? “Never let them see you sweat”. Well I’m fucked up so sweating is what I do. I don’t know how to fake it. I wear everything on my sleeves. Everything. I try not to. I really do. %^#&

So basically I’m screwed. I want to take this time to take my anger out on my coworkers. 🙂

JENx:

YOU LIAR! You are so fake and political. But I know you and that bugs you. Being a liar doesn’t even bother you. I won’t bring your religion into this. (ROFL). You are just a mean girl. I hope you don’t act this way at  home or I feel bad for your kids and all your family members. FUCKING LIAR. I wish you had gotten the job you applied for. I really do.

CLAx

I haven’t done shit to you. What did I do to you? Don’t you feel anything for messing with a person who hasn’t done anything to you? WTF happened? Will you come to your senses? I never thought you would bond over gossiping but I guess you are only like everyone else.  I can’t wait until you work at home or don’t have to sit at your desk all day…whichever comes first. You are helping making my life hell. (Once again I will not bring religion into this).

ANx

We are far from friends but please don’t let them kill me on Monday. Please. I know you owe me nothing. So…forget it. I’m screwed.

I will be studying my Buddhist texts and I might even pray! There is a light here…Eventually they (and me) will be working at home so I won’t have to deal with this. But I don’t know WHEN. It isn’t like we have dates or anything. I’m not counting on going home anytime soon. But I want the first two people I listed at home ASAP. I’ll stay in the office. Whatever.

Well I have to go to my house and clean it. Slowest process ever.  I’m also going to Best Buy to use my Best Buy gift card. Can’t you feel my excitement?

I had to get this out.

Sinner’s Prayer

Oh my! How I wish I were blogging about my first Zumba class (a little mention at the bottom of this entry). Or how I need to stop eating red meat daily. I’ve just been doing it for about 4 days but I can already feel the effects. EW. I’ve been eating red meat because it is the most convenient thing. I’m stressed about moving plus I’m in school. etc.

Considering where I work, today had gone well. Yesterday sucked so I was trying to see what I could do to make it better. I read my Zen stuff last night. And I was determined to be different. It worked okay. But when A, K and J were trashing someone, I did think, “There they go again.” I judged them for it. But they talked negatively more than once and I was able to let it go. I didn’t judge their behavior every single time.

I don’t know what happened. Nothing really happened but in this situation perception matters more than reality. I guess I was bored. It was almost time to go home – maybe I was sick of being zen like. How do people do that all the time?

Anyhow like I mentioned a month or two ago, I found out everyone else is a “B” and I’m an “A”. B is better in this situation. For two months I said nothing because I don’t really talk because I wasn’t angry about it. I did feel that the majority that works at home get an unfair an advantage in being a B but that was about it.

I sent my manager an email (1st mistake). She said we could talk right then. (Thanks a lot – hah). So we fucking talked. And talking is where shit goes bad. It is evil. Pure evil. Things went well with the A to B stuff. That was the good part. But then I mentioned how people aren’t on the same page. (HUGE mistake). But everyone agrees. It’s true. This is a management issue. I made sure not to make it about her. I just said that certain people (without naming names) share info but refuse to email it to whole team. How are people who work at home supposed to know anything? EMAIL THE INFORMATION.

My mistake was that I named an example from this morning. WTF was I thinking? I should never ever ever talk. EVER. It wasn’t a huge deal but I made an assumption because D emailed J, M, A and everyone else who had problems…everyone but me. I have to understand or accept that there will be cliques and I probably did not NEED that email but we are all working together so why not email it?

I was in my zen like state at the time (LOL) so I just walked away and forgot about it until I was in a meeting with my manager. WHY DID I MENTION ThAT? I didn’t get anyone into trouble but their perception is that I’m mad at them or I ratted them out or whatever.

After I came back from my meeting, J said “Tomorrow is going to be a loooong day”. 😦 Not for you. You are the one making the sarcastic remarks. Who do you think is going to feel a looooooong day??? You are dishing it out so it shouldn’t be you. FUCK. All you have to do is stop with the bullshit but I guess you can’t help your diarrhea of the mouth. At least I hope you can’t help it.

I could have said a lot…and they know that. Most of the things they do now are subtle. It wasn’t like before when things they were doing could be filed under harassment. That suddenly stopped.

SIGH. I know tomorrow they will be throwing daggers. How dare I talk to my manager? If I can be zen tomorrow, I can do it any day. I would get up any time they start to gossip about me but then they would do it constantly so that I couldn’t work. LOL. That falls under the subtle shit they do.

This may be too vague or maybe someone who has been in a similar situation gets what I’m saying. I hate explaining myself. I suck at it.
————–
Zumba

It made me realize I am a semi-functional depressed person. Is that what people get from their first zumba experience? 🙂 I was apathetic. I don’t know. Since I can’t feel “fun”, I can’t say that it was. Once again I was the only new person. It is challenging but people who are good at following dance steps, would have no problems. It wasn’t that hard.

I will probably blog more about it later. All I know is that I paid $20 for 20 classes and I have taken two. I have already gotten my money’s worth so if I don’t go back, no big deal.
———–
In the meantime I need to NEVER TALK – which is what I do 95% of the time. 😦

I’m Not That Girl

When I post a lot it is usually about other humans. Yes, humans. Can’t live without them although I dream of it (that includes myself).

First since I never share normal “dating” stuff because there is none, I’ll start with that. No I’m not interested in dating. I never want to live with someone. It sounds like a nightmare. However, I did sign onto this asexual dating (ugh! ick!) site. I did it for “just friends” but I’m not sure I want any right now. I did it because it was so easy. No stupid questionnaires. etc.

So I was browsing females profiles. Yes it is very shallow. There are only pics and location to go by. It shows a pic of the person and where they live. That’s it. Well I stopped at this beautiful (to me) person. Ugh, it is so shallow. Anyhow, she lives in Australia. I read the beginning of her profile. And I thought, “Wow, we actually match.” But then I read further. SHE WANTS KIDS. um, wtf? So that is my shallow, dating site story.

And I must point out: Yes she is asexual and wants to have kids and live together. It isn’t what people think. I did check out some local guys and gals for “just friends” but I’m soooo not ready for that. Local people scare me because they are like totally REAL. 😉

Real humans scare me. And I bother/scare them.

WORK: I can’t believe I brought her down to my human level. I thought she was so much smarter and nicer than everyone else. I could not have been more wrong. I try to understand where people are coming from….and I do a pretty good job at that. But I have zero empathy for a person messing with someone who is not doing anything to them.

I’m quiet all day. That bugs you. I also don’t do well with stimulation. That bugs you. I’m just protecting myself (in the wrong way according to social people). I’m not DOING anything to you. All I do is walk into the room everyday. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to know they are trying to get me everyday…and sometimes it is as soon as I walk in. I haven’t done anything!!!!!!!!!! WTF do you want me to do.

…….Besides be like YOU. And that isn’t happening. The things you two have done, I wouldn’t do to my worst enemy. I’m scared of what you would do if I ever stood up for myself. What would you do if I actually did something to you? I don’t want to know.

I feel like I’m in high school again. College wasn’t like this. The people in college seem more mature than the people at my workplace. I wonder is this true for others? Mean girl A and mean girl B.

Sorry, sometimes I have to rant. I see these people more than anyone. I’m fucking exhausted of their antics. Sometimes it feels like I’m barely above water.

If they aren’t ashamed of their behavior, then it will never stop. I know I’m doomed until something – anything changes. I know I have part in it too. I’m paranoid and controlling. And no I don’t have schizophrenia V. Try reading about the autism spectrum before jumping to that conclusion. GEESH!!

I ranted. The end.

Now I have to go back to studying. Funny how I get more studying done during my lunch break than two hours at home. I know why. 😉

just a basketcase

FUCKERS. You know who I’m talking about. LOL.

I was filled with so much contempt and now I’m looking at a blank screen and nothing comes to mind besides, “fuckers” Okay…..

Maybe I should post some pics?

I guess I do have high standards when it comes to friends/acquaintances. Coworkers fall into the acquaintance category (for me). Maybe it is a social people thing and that’s why I don’t get it. Even if there was a social manual, I’m not sure I would follow all the rules.

Here’s the thing: I would worry less if this didn’t affect my job status. I know I shouldn’t think this way .

If you cared about customer service, you wouldn’t have people on the phone who don’t know what they are doing. If you cared about customer service you would have guidelines.

But you don’t give a shit, and you know what that pisses me off. How dare you have people on the phone without a guide? WTF? That’s the least you could do. THE LEAST. It would still be high pressure and I don’t do well with that kind of pressure.

I don’t like being thrown out there. How cold. How unprofessional.

And you believe anything/everything JNx has to say, then I don’t have much to say.

Me and my high standards

let’s focus on the hate

I just got robbed at Subway…yet I said nothing. I had a gift card that paid for about 30% of it and that is why I said “whatever”. I also got charged $2.00 extra at the work cafeteria. I said nothing. Now you wonder why I’m angry? 🙂 I vowed to never go into the work cafe again…but one day I was almost falling asleep at my desk. and I foolishly “needed” coffee. I didn’t even drink all of it. There is no good reason to be ‘eating out’ but that’s another entry.

One more random thing: Any person who says, “Everyone had a bad childhood” did not have one. It is on my list of things that perceptive people just don’t say. Everyone isn’t smoking weed or having sex or doing whatever you are doing. It is what people say to make themselves feel better. Were you raped/molested as a child? Did you see your parents get shot in front of you? How dare you say you had a terrible childhood? (judgment) Are you kidding me???? Seriously?! Keep in my mind, I would NEVER say this to a person and belittle their childhood experience but to say “everyone had a bad childhood” is a crock of shit. Everyone may think they did…which baffles me. but whatever. I could do a whole entry on this.

edited to add: I know the above comes across as harsh. It’s like saying, “Everyone was teased”. Um, there is a difference between being teased by your “friends” and being so afraid to get on the school bus every single day because you know it is going to be bad.

I HATE PEOPLE. I MOTHERFUCKING HATE THEM.

I think that has been established through this blog in several ways. I also hate heavy traffic, more than 6 inches of snow, the cold, baseball, the Pittsburgh Steelers and grasshoppers.

It’s okay to hate people* (in my world – haha). I know people who hate people but have friends/acquaintances. The problem FOR ME is when I take this out on someone. This person isn’t 100% innocent but still…Dude, I have to get over my ANGER. I’m not about to fight anyone or anything. My anger doesn’t manifest that way. (Thank Buddha or I would be out of a job).

*Of course it is probably better for yourself if you don’t. In fact I know it is.

This is 100% my issue. The problem is that I thought this person was totally opposite of what he/she is. Don’t you hate when you think someone is admirable and then you find out they aren’t? I know I’m not supposed to look UP to others but I think/thought some people were cool. What’s wrong with admiring someone? You know what is wrong with that? YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW THEM. They put on a facade!

Okay. It is a SHE. She is a normal person with a mean side. *GASP* Can it get any worse? (I’m being a little sarcastic). I thought she was smart (judgment), different (judgment), perceptive (judgment), and nice. All judgments. She may be smart but boy, did she let me down on the others. Yes this is my issue, my fault. I should have never had her on a pedestal….especially without knowing her.

I’m angry at myself because even though I intellectually know the above, I refuse to accept it! WTF is wrong with me. We weren’t even friends so why should I even care who she is?????????????

Now I can’t stand being around her. I radiate anger….when she is around. Tension. Anger. Hate. I’m not PMSing. Some of this may due to stopping the Wellbutrin suddenly. That is always a major no-no. You could get really depressed, have physical symptoms or GET ANGRY. But I couldn’t take it without gagging so for me it wasn’t a choice.

So many things bother me about this.

1. If she were (in my opinion) innocent, I think I could find someway to curb the anger. I have tried. This has been going on for at least 3 days. I mean the strong hate. I have tried acting like she isn’t there but then she laughs and I get irrationally angry. I’m embarrassed. I should be. I have never experienced something like this before because normally I could avoid the person.

2. I can’t get over how she “really” is. I want to call her an evil bitch. Even though it isn’t true. LOL. No, I don’t want to say it to her. I mean in my mind I feel that way about her even though I know it isn’t true. She just isn’t who I thought she was. That’s it. I need to get over it. (But how? I’m trying…I need something by tomorrow. Thanks).

3. Why is all my anger going towards her? Is it just because I didn’t think she was “one of them”? How can I get that angry over that? Perhaps I was really idealizing her. Wow.

I’m not done with this. I can’t find my paper journal and the only way I can process anything is to write it down. Actually I’m only typing and typing isn’t as cathartic as writing. So this hasn’t helped much.

I would love to go on but I have to mow my lawn for the first time since last August. This is long overdue. But it kept raining, then homework etc. So I’ve got to do it now. 😦 At least I get some exercise. It is almost 80 degrees out there. I’m really procrastinating, huh?

Everything is fine

FUCK. I was going to post a happy semi-pleasant entry but damn those people. I’m so glad I had a half of day today. More on that later.

Yesterday JNx (a church going Christian) said, “I hate her”. Yes, she was speaking about me. Nothing has changed. Nothing happened yesterday. She was just trying to annoy me…or she truly hates me and had to get it out while I was less than 5 feet from her. Whatever. It didn’t bother me. Hmmm, maybe that is what triggered them. What? Did they want me to cry or get angry?

Today my coworkers said, “If she wants to be invisible, I will treat her like she is invisible.” NOW they are talking about me in front of me. They are whispering so I would have to listen to hear. But I have good hearing. I can have music/talk radio on and still hear what they are saying. I have learned to ignore the whispers. And I can ignore most of the stuff they say out loud…now. I was horrible at it in the past. But now it’s like what difference does it make? I lose my job????

One more thing about this. They don’t seem to comprehend or care that when they all gang up on me, it is horrible. It is maybe 8 against one. (Thank god most of our peeps work at home). Who would think 8 against one is okay? I’m just ONE person. They are a group. A group of people ganging up on one? I hope they get over it. I swear nothing has changed. JNx just decided to announce her hatred. Oh and I think they agreed “I have issues”. I know they just didn’t figure that out. I did hear that whisper. How lame for adults to act like this.

But I have learned that adults don’t act mature just because they are adults. It took me years to get that.

——————-
I didn’t have a horrible day. George Mason won and I was at home, able to yell and jump around. However, at the car dealership/service they didn’t have the basketball game on. WTF!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know if I am getting less shy or if I’m just crazy about March Madness. I was so pissed. I left my radio in my car so I’m thinking, “There is no way in hell, I’m going to sit here and not watch basketball” HELLO? So I asked the nice lady if I could turn the channel. (I can’t believe I did that….)

They have the remote locked away. (LOL) So I had to wait for the remote control keeper, to get off the phone. Then he had to turn the channel one by one. How weird is that? It took forever to get to CBS. I was starting to get embarrassed.

Maybe they didn’t have it on because they didn’t want their employees watching it as they walk through the waiting room. At the time I wasn’t thinking that. But they do tend to walk around a lot. By the way, there was no one else in the waiting room.

I do feel bad about asking now…because maybe management did not want the tournament on. WHY ELSE WOULD YOU NOT HAVE IT ON? You have a TV, you put college basketball. Hello?? It’s March. I was just shocked. If I had my radio with me, I would have walked and listened.

I’m never like this. I never ask for anything. I’m the “quiet girl”. I don’t know how to process this. I’m an introvert, this is what we do. 🙂
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After my car part was put on, I wasted a bunch of gas. I never get to go to Taco Bell. lol. We don’t have a lot of them here. Or they just aren’t near where I live or work. It is sorta like Subways. I only noticed the Subway thing because my dad gave me a subway gift card. Yes I know about the recent Taco Bell story. Do I care? NOPE. All fast food is disgusting. But as long as it tastes good, I’ll occasionally eat it. I wanted something light and cheap.

There was this huge Taco Bell but I kept missing it. Eventually I got sick of driving around. I ended up going to Arbys but I didn’t know it was an Arby’s. I went through the drive-thru and she asked what I wanted to order. I said, “I’m new. Can I look at the menu?” Is that a common thing. Or is that a really weird thing to say considering it is Arbys? I have no idea. But I imagined her laughing at me for saying it. I ended up with just a chicken sandwich.

You still here? Isn’t this compelling stuff?
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I randomly went to Kohls for the first time. OMG their stuff is sub par. Daisy Fuentes line??? I forgot she had one. (Her clothes were decent, btw but not for the price they wanted). The pricing wasn’t great. And the selection was horrible. I did find a pair of green pants for $16 but after looking at the cooking/bedding stuff, I was so disgusted and I just left. It is a place middle class people go to, to feel “thrifty”. Please. What a waste of time. I’m never going to a Kohls again. If you like Calvin Klein, Gucci, Chanel, go to Ross.

No offense to the middle class, I’m just trying to describe the prices.