I don’t need a white wedding

Looks like we are getting snow. Not a ton, but enough for me to be stuck for about three to five days. PLUS, I won’t have water since it will be cold overnight. I just filled 2 gallons of water. I will fill up more bottles later tonight.

I don’t have to go anywhere this weekend. I would like to go out on Wednesday. I did my grocery shopping on Thursday after work. I thought it was going to be insane, but it wasn’t that bad. I don’t want to make a habit out of it. I like to grocery shop on Saturday morning. I used to go shopping at 7 AM on Saturdays, but now I’m too lazy to get ready that early in the morning. I’m trying to get back to that.

I need my part-time job. 😦 Please let them get work soon. I mean really soon. My electric bill can get close to $300 during the winter.

Other than wondering when part-time work will come, things in life are going okay. Not awesome, but okay. The price for Abilify is still affordable despite the price hike for 2017. I’m so glad my insurance is still paying hundreds of the price. Why does it have to cost so much? I can afford Klonopin without insurance, but Abilify? NO WAY. Anyway, I’m so thankful I have Abilify in my life. I swear I don’t work for them (or any pharmaceutical company).

I’m losing more faith in people the more I’m out in public. ROFL. People have no compassion. This is why I give more to animal charities and care more about animals than human beings. UGH. Don’t get me started. I may do an entry on this in the upcoming weeks. People (in general) are only nice to their friends/family. Being friendless, I see people for what they REALLY are and it ain’t pretty. This needs to be a full blog entry, and I’m getting tired.

****BREAKING NEWS***** It started to snow. Bummer for some people. Blah.

This week I…

Music of the week: Solange, Keith Urban, Tegan and Sara, Maxwell, Regina Spektor, Sia, Lissie, Britney Spears

TV of the week: Gilmore Girls, Mariah’s World, basketball

I miss TV. I do have a kind of crappy quality TV I might go back to. The quality is so bad, though. I’ve been watching Mariah’s World through my Fios app and sigh. I am (was?) a big Mariah Carey fan, but I’m getting over her. However, all she needs to do is release a good album, and I’m back. I just don’t care for her personality. She’s so insecure. I don’t think it is possible to be more insecure than her. I’m not exaggerating.

I think I’m done with Mariah’s World and Mariah. I was thinking of going to see her and Lionel Ritchie in Maryland but who knows which Mariah will show up? Will she lip synch more than 50% of the show? She will probably sing mostly live. At least that is what she normally does. I would say about 80% is live, but I don’t trust her anymore. I don’t blame her for the New Year’s Eve fiasco. She couldn’t hear anything. I think that was her bad karma.

FWIW, the show is an over the top scripted reality show. Sigh.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: Still reading Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult. I started reading. They Can’t Kill Us All: Ferguson, Baltimore, and a New Era in America’s Racial Justice Movement by Wesley Lowery.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren life planner –

dscn0207-2

Plans for the Weekend: Staying in. 🙂 I’m going to start studying for my board exam and read for leisure. I need my part-time job. See how much free time I have? I’m not bored, but I would rather work. Of course.

Have a nice weekend. Thanks for reading! I have to gather more gallons of water.

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People who need people

I hate people. I like people who get that statement. Those are my people. I donate to human charities (although last year I probably donated to animal charities more). I care about people. Is that not obvious? Probably not. LOL. I care about people in general. I just don’t want anything to do with them on a daily basis. Once again, my peeps get this.

I don’t go around with hate in my heart. I hope I’m making sense, but some people will never get it.

PEOPLE SUCK!

Telling me that the whole family got together and didn’t invite me doesn’t hurt me*. I’m not that kind of person. There are other ways to hurt me, of course. But being around other people is my hell. A person bragging about their dating life and expecting me to be jealous?? ROFL. They don’t know me. Having a roommate? Sounds like hell to me. Marriage? Sounds like hell to me.

*That did happen. A gathering? Fucking hell!!

When I want to go somewhere, and I don’t have transportation, I call an Uber or use public transportation. I don’t expect Joe to pick me up. When I want things done, I do it myself, OR more often I pay someone to do it. Since I’m not rich, that means a lot of things don’t get done. But I pride myself on not bugging other people.  I wish this were everybody’s definition of pride. That would be nice.

Entitled jerks.

I don’t care what people do when it comes to most things UNLESS it is bothering other people. The neighbor vacuuming at 2 AM? Burn in hell! That happened too. This is part of the reason why I can’t live in apartments anymore.  People suck. This is what I mean. UGH.

/end rant

I should be in a good mood. I’m only working three days (2 more to go) this week. March Madness is here. I’m going to the park with my dog for the first time in months on Thursday. etc. But people won’t leave me the hell alone. Other than that, things are okay. 😉 P.S. I’m going to document my day at the park on Snapchat (username Kat3x5). I might post some pics on Instagram too, but not as many (same username).

I’m going to have a productive and somewhat healthy week (still eating ramen noodles).

I’ve done all my duties, so I’m going to relax and read. I’m reading a 600-page book and it just got interesting on page 90. I don’t think I will be able to finish it before the due date. I hate when that happens. Slow reads.

going back to my old ways?

I can’t believe I did it. I wasn’t even hungry. A pizza order from my neighbor came to my house by mistake* and I got ideas. I was bored and it was Halloween. Lame and a damn shame. I just had a cheat day on October 9 and I’ve been so good, but I broke. I was determined to watch the whole Washington Wizards game and I knew one way to do that was to order some food.

*(I did direct him to the right house).

I will not have cheat days more than once a month. I will not eat when I’m “bored”. Fuck. I will go to the gym.

With all that being said, I am going to have a cheat day on Thanksgiving. 😉 I was going to have a cheat day that Thursday and Friday but that is now cancelled. Just one cheat day.

I had been eating less than 1,200 calories a day (minus cheat days once a month). Ugh. Woe is me. We all have slip ups. That is what I will tell myself to make myself feel better. Not a big deal. Won’t happen again. Whew. I would banish cheat days…so not happening. Not realistic.

The food was tasty, yo! Gotta say that.

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There are people out there who wish they could bitch and moan in their blogs, but they see what people say about people like me. ROFL. So they say nothing. They give a damn what other people think. I guess because they care what people think, they think I should too. I don’t know what to make of that. I don’t care what they say about me or my blog. I know what they say. I know what they think. Typical thoughts. Nothing special.

Just an observation. Also, they seem to forget (or not know or simply just don’t care) that I don’t have friends to vent to so this is my way of not keeping it all in. Keeping it in is toxic for me. It doesn’t matter if no one reads or one person reads. I just have to get it out.

I know one reason why they don’t need to vent online is because they vent to their friends. I get it. They do the exact same thing I do online to their friends yet they talk shit about me doing it. Does that make sense? I don’t get that. People have to consider circumstances before they judge. Oh! Right they don’t think before they judge. Silly me. People. sigh.

Was I just ranting? That’s not allowed! lol

—————–

Speaking of keeping it in…I don’t even know where to begin. I have so much going on right now. For some reason, I’ve decided that I will start a bunch of stuff in November. Ahhh! Overwhelm. I’m committed to NaNoWriMo, watching as many Wizards game as possible, writing down every dollar I spend, doing a budget, sticking to a gym schedule, really focusing on my word for the year (focus) and more. It’s like what most people do for New Year’s except I decided to do it starting in November.

I know watching basketball games may seem like a frivolous thing to do, but it was a huge hobby and I don’t want to just let it get away. One sign of depression is not doing things you used to enjoy doing. I want to get back to my hobbies. I don’t want to be too tired to read or watch a basketball game.

Novel update: I have 242 words written so far after I scrapped everything. Awesome. (<–sarcasm)

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I can’t believe Tuesday is election day. Wahhhhh. I don’t wanna leave my house. I don’t care who is on the school board etc. I don’t have anything too important to vote for like some other people in the state. But I’m going to vote anyway. Fun times.

I finished reading Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More by Janet Mock. I’ll have more to say about this book on Friday. Hint: I agree with what bell hooks said.

Gotta cook cabbage and write.

Fuck You

Here is the truth: My mom and sister called me “fat”. A coworker called me Willy the Whale. I have no idea what that means. I can only guess it was a weight comment. I know I’m not fat. I’m average. I currently weigh anywhere from 133 to 137 lbs. I’m 5’4″. Average. I want to be normal in every way accept for my weight. Back on topic: Yes what they said was mean and I want to say “Fuck You”.

I was eating a lot of unhealthy things. I’m no longer doing those things. I will never be 105lbs again.  I was underweight for years. The doctor told me to drink Ensure. I never did. I later gained some weight because of Abilify but I can’t blame that for at least 10 pounds.

Anyway, I see it as a challenge to workout and eat healthy. I get obsessive about whatever I’m doing. Right now my obsession is eating wheat free among my regular obsessions. I’m not done with this topic.

———

Amazon is starting this great program in October. If you brought a print book from them, they will allow you to buy the Kindle edition for a low price.  Anywhere from free (!!) to $3.99. I can’t wait.  Do you know how many books I have brought from Amazon since 1998??! I just hope they have the books available that I brought. Most of my books are packed up and I’ve been pining for them. This is awesome! Please have my favorite books.

Update: I looked through all of my past Amazon orders. I brought mostly music from there. I forgot most of my books were brought used. There are about 10 print books I would love to have a Kindle version of. Mostly nonfiction.

The announcement of the new Kindle Fire HDX tablet makes me drool. I know I won’t be buying that.

Weekly

Music for the week:  Maria Mena, Ja Rule,  John Mayer,  John Legend,  Keith Urban, Sheryl Crow, Jillette Johnson, Beyonce, Amanda Shires, Ariana Grande

(I keep up with what I listen to on last.fm)

TV for the week: Breaking Bad, CSPAN, The Voice

Movies of the week: Django Unchained

Books of the weekBully: A True Story Of High School Revenge by Jim Schutze,  Five Days at Memorial Life and Death in a Storm-Ravaged Hospital by Sheri Fink

Goals for next week: I put up my closet rack last week. Now I have to hang all my clean clothes. I just need hangers. I looked up “dorm tours” on youtube and I’m totally inspired. (I don’t live in a dorm…) My messiest rooms are the living room and kitchen. I hate cleaning the kitchen. My goal is to make my living room more liveable since I spend a lot of time there. Hopefully I will have pics after I’m done.

I’d be patient if I had the time

SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t take the wait or not knowing. WTF am I supposed to do? I could be packing when I’m actually in my apartment if I knew. Everything will be so rushed.

I’m sick of being a vagabond. From hotels (now motels) to my mom’s house. SCREAM.

As far as work is concerned this is a good time as ever to be in between places or whatever the fuck I am. I’m in the office for about 2 weeks. I HAVE TO FIND A PLACE TO LIVE BEFORE I START WORKING FROM HOME AGAIN. I tried working in my apartment and I wasn’t as successful. I sooooooooooo need this house in less than 2 weeks. I can’t keep moving from place to place. I am now in my apartment about one night a week. What if I don’t get the house or they push it back until June. Then what??

I have never wanted something so specific (this house) in my life. I hope the landlord finishes up his last install early. At first it was mid-April. Now it is the beginning of May. I can see why they want other applicants. Who would wait this long for a particular house? UGH!

I’m scared/nervous/anxious to be in my apartment. No one will understand this so I’m not even going to try to explain. I have my monthly therapy appointment in early May. O god, I wish I knew when.  I have training two days during the first week of May. To be honest cancelling wouldn’t be a horrible thing. I can’t even get a therapist to understand. (Hello?) I’m sick of her telling me not to be afraid of noise. It isn’t just the god damn noise!!!

Dammit, I just want the house…or to know I have the house. If I do get the house, I will try to rent out my apartment a month later (hopefully June). I have never done this before so I’m going in blind. My plan is to get at least 3 people to apply. Who knows how many people I will have to see to get 3 people or even just 2 people to even apply.

This entry is all over the place. I have to know but I can’t know. So what do I do? Just wait or come up with a realistic plan B? I think I will ask to stay with my mom for the next week. Then if I still don’t know or if I get denied for the house, I will have to go back to my apartment. THE HORROR! Please don’t let that happen. I can’t work there so that will be the worst possible outcome. (I mean I can work but it isn’t up to management’s standards).

Look at me now……….and I don’t even have to move yet or find someone to lease my apartment. The stress now is the not living in one place. And not knowing where I will land. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I probably almost weigh 130lbs which I know isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t helping me feel better. I need a routine which is very hard without a home base. I eat whatever because I never know where I will be. I buy food for my apartment and then I land at my mom’s house or at a motel. I went to water aerobics for the first time in 3 weeks last night.

I desperately need this house. Seeing the inside just made me want it more. It was meant to be.

———–

Back at work and back to being around people. I have already been called a name (not a bad word – lol) and gossiped about. People. Gotta hate ’em. It’s funny because it seems like this person was just waiting to see me. She doesn’t work in my department so I don’t know her. I just know that she loves to talk about me. 😉 She gave me a name, maybe I should come up with a name for her. I don’t even know how she looks, I just know her voice. What a bitch. Yeah that is a good name. Nah, I can be more creative.

All Too Well

I may go back to sleeping in my car. I haven’t slept in my car in about 6 or 7 years. Well there was a one week period about 5 years ago when I slept in my car. That doesn’t count. This is what apartment living does to me. I wish I could find my extra thick (and pricey) sleeping bag. It was cold last night. I know I would have been too cold to go to sleep in the car so why not continue to stay in my apartment and not sleep? One neighbor started vacuuming at midnight. And the other one kept on banging stuff. This is not normal behavior from them. Something was going on. To me it was like they were saying, “This is war”.

Except I didn’t do anything. lol. I just sit still when they are home. I will occasionally move to go to the bathroom or if I get tired of sitting in one spot, I’ll get up. THAT’S IT! My sleeping bag is in my mom’s attic. I will look for it but I don’t feel confident about finding it. I knew better than to get rid of it but I should have kept my eye on it.  I used to use that to sleep  in my car during the winter. I would wear layers and get in my sleeping bag. It was actually pretty warm.

I’m not going to be happy if I have to buy another sleeping bag. I can’t remember how much it cost but I know it was a lot (to me). Soon it will be getting warm anyway. But I need sleep NOW not soon…I don’t want to sleep in my car every night but I will. I hope I can find a parking spot. I’m not sure whether I’m allowed to park in the visitor section since I have a resident sticker on my car. They tow like crazy where I live so I have to be careful. But I would probably wake up before I get towed…And I would say, “HEY!”

I’ve been browsing Amazon and I found what looks sort of like my sleeping bag: Coleman Taos Extreme-Weather Mummy Bag I think that may be it. It is definitely the same color. I don’t know. It’s getting warm soon, the last thing I want to think about is buying an extreme weather sleeping bag so I can sleep in my car. Blargh!! People…

———–

I’m currently making  CDs for my car. I guess most people used their iPods in the car these days. I have no clue. For now, CDs work for me. I’m starting with Fun.’s album. Emeli Sande is next. I’m not sure I like Tegan and Sara’s new album enough to make a copy for the car. I am also doing multiple mix CDs. So fun. I will have everyone from Beyonce to Imagine Dragons on them. Hopefully these will be for a future road trip.

Does anyone ever listen to their music on shuffle and think, “Wow I have such great taste”? Confession: I totally do. 😉 haha.

——–

More later….Right now I can’t stop dancing to Fun. (I’m not home. Obvs)

Unashamed desires

Sometimes I have nothing to say. Sometimes I can post everyday. Forget putting all the beautiful stuff on Pinterest. I want to share some stuff here. I want to make jewelry. I love bold jewelry. Statement jewelry. I found two necklaces that made me drool.

purple
wooden beads

(UPDATE: The above necklace went down about $10 overnight. I used my gift card and ordered it. YAY!)

The above piece was inspired by Brazil. Isn’t that beautiful? I want it so bad. Plus my Beginning Jewelry class starts in 18 days and we can bring a piece we would like to rework. WOW, can you imagine making that? I can’t. 😉 I was going to take a simpler necklace that I love but if I had that…wowza. Both necklaces are from Macy’s. I do have a Macy’s gift card from my birthday that I haven’t used. Unfortunately my gift card does not cover the full price of the necklace, not to mention the shipping and handling. (9.99 for S&H – ow!)

So I don’t know what I’m going to do. I will probably order the wooden necklace. The sale price is over after Labor Day. I am also conflicted because I want to wear my own jewelry. I’ve been wearing these simple feather earrings I made. I’ve gotten a ton of looks. It would be nice if I could whip out a business card with my (future) Etsy store on and if I ever got a compliment I could say: You like my jewelry? I made it. You can take a look at my stuff here. That would be awesome. But then I would never wear others jewelry. ROFL. That makes me sad. haha.

I love that necklace but dammit, I WANT TO MAKE THAT NECKLACE. I want to use my own inspiration, of course. I love that the person was inspired by Brazil. That place is so colorful. I want to go there.

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I could blog about a person taking cheap shots at me and how much people suck but I think I’ve covered that pretty well. Why do people take cheap shots out of nowhere? Is it their insecurity? Is it that simple? I believe there is a meanness there and a lack of understanding something very basic:

1. All people aren’t the same

2. All situations aren’t the same

For O to imply that my work situation is anything like hers is preposterous. She has no idea what my work is like. So why does she think she knows? UGH PEOPLE SUCK. See, I did it. 🙂 I wish I didn’t have to deal with O on the daily basis. Trust me, I’m looking for a way out.