Afraid of Nothing

I put my 17 year old dog to sleep on Saturday. I don’t really have much that isn’t cliché to say about it. I do have a favorite memory I’ve never shared in this blog. When she was about 3 or 4, she ran away. I was terrified, of course! I got in my car and less than 5 minutes later she was right beside it. Because what is cooler than a car ride? Forget running away, I wanna go for a ride. Another memory is how she would get into my suitcase when I was getting ready to go back to college. I really missed her when I went away.

My favorite moments with her were when we were lying in bed together. I had a tiny twin sofa bed. So it wasn’t comfortable AT ALL. But I always wanted her in bed with me…even when she would steal the covers.

Now I have a new buddy. I’m fostering an 8 month old puppy. He is part sheltie, terrier and corgi. My last dog was a corgi/beagle mix, btw. I think this dog is more sheltie and terrier. I didn’t know anything about shelties until I got him. They can be quite the handful. I might adopt him. He is soooo cute. BUT, he has bitten someone before (at the shelter) and he growled at me on day one like he wanted to attack. It was scary how a big sound could come out such of a tiny dog. I’m a little scared of him…I don’t think that is healthy.

If I do decide to keep him, I will be attending puppy obedience school with him. It costs $119 so I won’t start as soon as I like. Here is the worst part: He is NOT house trained. Bummer. My last dog was so I’ve never had to do this before. I have no idea how to house train this dog. I’ll take him outside every few hours but he’ll wait until he comes in to use the bathroom on the carpet. Yeah, good times. He did use the bathroom outside once today…I was thrilled.

Another bad and sad thing: He wants to kill my guinea pigs. This sucks and is one of the reasons I am thinking about not adopting him. I had to move my guinea pigs to the bedroom. I am never back there so now I rarely see them. 😦 I miss them. I’m trying to think of a solution better than what I’ve got going on now.

I’m overwhelmed and probably still grieving over my dog. But I’m mainly overwhelmed by having a new dog and by work.

Gotta go. I might post pics of both dogs later this week. I’m going to get some knitting done…instead of cleaning or studying.

Advertisements

Purge. Get Real. Out With the Old.

I’m currently residing in the land of overwhelm and frustration. This reminds me why I hate temping. Nah, this reminds me why I hate job searching.

Well, the good news is the temp agency submitted my resume to a company today. The bad news is I probably will have to interview with the company to get the job. And it is only going to last for a month or two…that could be good or bad. The job is not in my field. It is a data entry job. I don’t mind that too much. Speaking of jobs in my field…

Someone contacted me about a certified (insert job title here) position! It is really hard to get a certified —- job without experience so I’m guessing she didn’t read over my resume that well. It is very common for people to not really go over a resume. I have no idea why. That is a waste of time. That is another topic. Anyway, I think she didn’t read my objective either. I said I wanted a part-time certified —- position. I think she wants to hire full-time. This is only a problem because I don’t know when the other interview will be. SCREAM! I also have a doctor’s appointment  on Friday afternoon.

There is too much uncertainty going on right now. Do I cancel the doctor’s appointment? I hate making phone calls. That’s funny because I can easily go a week without talking on the phone but today I was on the phone four times.

I don’t know what to do. I’m just venting. UGH. Double UGH.

And it’s not like I can just take time off for a job interview. Maybe I can get everything scheduled in the afternoon. I think I better cancel the doctor’s appointment. That would be one less thing to stress over.

I’ll call right now. Wait a second.

I just called to cancel my doctor’s appointment. ::sigh of relief::

Jobs = new people = anxiety.

I’m just trying to think of the money. lol. I desperately need some extra income.

OMG. Someone just called about the certified position. I have a job interview on Tuesday after work. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Well…that is if I’m NOT working at the part-time temp job. Oh my. Someone shoot me now. This is too much.

To summarize: I might have a job interview for the temp position ASAP (prob this week). And I have a job interview for the certified —– on next Tuesday.

That deserves another OMG. I’m soooo not made for this. I will survive. Somehow.

Yes this entry is full of drama. LOL. 😉 I know drama. And I was on the phone SIX times today. That includes two times while typing this entry. That’s a record.

This calls for a nap even though I have crap to do.

Breathe.

I let go of fear & the peace came

It was 70 degrees last Sunday……and I actually left my house! I’m serious. I walked around a big parking lot for almost 30 minutes. It was very nice. I even saw ducks. 😉 So what if it was just to avoid the Jehovah Witnesses? (Btw, it worked!!)  It was good exercise and much better than the treadmill. This Sunday I have errands to run so no walking. But I do plan to make it a habit.

I don’t know why a socially anxious person like me would join Gold’s Gym. I mean, really? Worst. Decision. Ever. There are tons of people ALWAYS there. I do plan to start going to the 6AM strength training class at least twice a month on Thursdays. I don’t know how I’m going to get to the gym by 5:45AM. I can’t even drag my butt to work at 6AM, and I work at home!! (I start at 6:30). I’m waiting until it gets consistently warm (April) and then I will embark on this new journey. I only operate in warm weather. 🙂

Today I’m not going anywhere. I worked overtime. And I gotta do school work. Exciting, I know.

Weekly

Music for the week: Lea Michelle, Pharrell Williams, Imagine Dragons, Jennifer Nettles, Lorde, Candice Glover, The Fray, Elle Varner

TV for the week: basketball, Desperate Housewives

Movie of the week: I plan on watching Before Midnight tonight…or tomorrow.

Books of the week:  The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff, Teach Online: Design Your First Online Course by Jeanette Cates

Goals for the week: ARGH!!!!!! Stop the overwhelm. I was fine the first 8 weeks of this course. I was ahead and now I’m not anymore. I’ve started saying, “I can’t do this” “This is is too hard”  “I’m never going to get this” etc. I’m not as motivated because I’m stuck in the overwhelm. This week is supposed to be spring break. ROFL. I will be working my ass off to get ahead.  I have my 24 hour getaway on April 11-12th and I need to get ahead so I can enjoy the trip.

I’m worried about my grades for this past week’s work. No comprendo.

Break Down These Walls

I saw Lincoln on Thanksgiving day at 9:50AM. It was really good but also really long. But looking back I don’t think much should have been cut…okay maybe one of Lincoln’s stories could have been cut. The film was a love letter to Lincoln. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that. It brought Lincoln to life. Awesome. 🙂 I even teared up at one point while Amendment 13 was being discussed. I thought about going to see Breaking Dawn II right after but  two movies in a row? Nah. I will wait until the crowds die down before I go see BD.

I escaped family visits, not that a lot of people came over. I ate dinner (no turkey) alone in my room while watching Gossip Girl or football. I can’t remember which but I know it was one or the other. One holiday down, ugh another one to go. Save me. Yes I hate this time of year. Hate it. Shocking, I know. I can’t wait until January 2.

I have 6 days for my house to sell. Sigh. 6 days for a miracle. I still haven’t signed a lease for the townhouse. I don’t know what that is about. The manager said I could go there around December 10 to see my actual place. Maybe I will find out how much rent is then….and do I really have a washer and dryer? REALLY? I didn’t have one at my house but I did have one in the apartment I lived in prior to that. So I am used to living without one. It doesn’t matter but it would be nice. She got my hopes up when she told me that I had one. I just don’t believe her. :/

There is one thing about moving that I’m really excited about (besides like, totally living alone) – a new library system. I’m moving to a suburb I have never lived in and I’ve lived everywhere around here. It is about 20 minutes from where I live now. Anyway, I’m excited to get a library card because they have the best ebooks! My current library is lame compared to what they have. I’m already trying to figure out when I will be able to apply for a library card. I will probably only go inside once, just to apply and then borrow ebooks from home from then on out.

I have so much to do. wahhh. overwhelmed. I need to do a major To-Do list. The hard part is figuring out when what has to be done. And on Monday I see my counselour for the first time since September! So much has happened since then. Three deaths in the family, a lil’ trip to Mexico and oh, I’m getting rid of my house and moving in 21 days. Just little things.

The Charade

I can’t take a day off until October and I’m really feeling it now. My last day off was in June. I was hoping that the weekends would make up for no days off but no, that is when I have everything planned. And this past weekend, I traveled to Virginia Beach to see the one and only D’Angelo and Mary J. Blige. What a weekend. I went down late Friday night and came back on Sunday. It was like having no weekend. I’m still exhausted.

I’m going to blog about this marvelous concert more in depth in my music blog. I don’t even know where to begin. I waited 10+ years to see D’Angelo live and it finally happened…not the way I wanted it to but it  happened. He said, “VA, I will be back”. I think he said it more than once. I’m pretty sure he didn’t tell New York that on Sunday night. He knows VA (his home state) loves him and supports him more than anywhere else in the US. I can’t say the world because he is huge overseas. Anyhow, I’m holding him to his promise. He will be back and hopefully not opening for a huge star like Mary J. I don’t know why they chose to kick the tour off in VA Beach but D’Angelo and I say THANK YOU!

The love for Mary was overwhelming. The place was electrified. She put on a great show. I saw her about 10 years ago and she was far better this time around. Just watching and listening to the audience was entertaining. I know she felt the love. I saw Mary’s husband, Kendu and other VIPs sit a few rows in front of me to watch D’angelo’s set.

I did not dance much if at all for Mary. Everyone else was dancing. By then I was tired and I wanted more D’Angelo. However, I did dance for D*. I did not care about what others thought. Oh yes, they did have opinions. LOL. I wanted to show him support. While everyone else in my section (not the pit) were seated, I fucking danced. In front of people. I almost felt like I was in my bedroom but nope, I did not go that far. That was how I felt. I was surrounded by Mary J. Blige fans who did not get D at all so why would I sit when they don’t even care??! Luckily the whole audience wasn’t that way. The people around me wanted to know why he was even there. 😦

(*Yes I had to pop a klonopin to dance. Some people get drunk, I get medicated. I would have been too shy/self conscious otherwise. I did wait until I knew I would need something to loosen up before I took one).

I would like to think I got a nod from D during “Brown Sugar”. He was looking right at my section and I was the only one standing. I nodded back. I wanted him to do that pointing thing he does where he points out members of the audience but he didn’t do it at all to anyone on my side. Bummer.

Great show. I wish I could follow the whole tour. hahaha. Why does it cost so much money? I thought the best things in life were free?! No more concerts for me until next summer………….unless D’Angelo goes on a solo tour before then. I don’t have to worry about John Mayer. He is having throat surgery again soon (Please get fully well this time!). There’s probably about 3-5 other artists I have never seen that I  would break my no concert rule for. It changes all the time but I almost always have a top 5 I would do anything to see. Anything for me is travel 2 hours, I can’t afford much more than that. So my anything is not extreme.

—————————

I got into jewelry making class at the museum! Yay. Class starts in  mid September. This should be interesting. The class is really small. I just want to learn everything. Should be fun.

I’m sooooooooooooooooooo glad I’m not in school. Not only because I wouldn’t be able to take the jewelry class but training at work and doing school? Hell, no! This training is tough. I wanted to cry one day last week. Yeah, maybe I do need a day off. It is so much and I’m worried about not getting everything. It’s not like I can afford not to get it. I have no choice. I have to get it. It doesn’t stop there. Then after work I have to figure out what the hell I learned so I can type it up. Overwhelmed does not begin to describe how I feel about all this. I’m stressed out and I need a day off and I need to stop going on weekend getaways.

Sigh.

I did make it to the beach for about 45 minutes on Saturday. What a waste of paid parking. I will never visit the beach in August. Too crowded. In fact, I have never been to the beach during this time of year due to that fact. It was around noon and the weather was nice. Not too hot. etc. So everyone was out. Here is how close I got to the ocean:

No clarity. No dipping my feet in the ocean. ROFL. But I’m glad I at least attempted to go. Usually I don’t try because I don’t want to deal with the crowds, the traffic and the parking.

no such thing

Work had me freaking out today. When I get nervous, I talk fast, type fast, start breathing fast. I do everything fast. I FREAK OUT.  I can’t think. I make stupid mistakes. I hate performing. I hate the spotlight. UGH. whew! It took me forever to calm down. I’m glad today is over but it won’t be the last. :/ I’m still shaking at the flashbacks and I didn’t even have to talk. I could have talked but I elected not to, of course.  I can’t believe I have to be on display again and again. BREATHE.

I’m not doing swimming lessons this fall. I think. I’m going full force into one of my passions: jewelry making. There is a class that meets for 3 hours a week for 6 weeks starting in September. I’m taking it. I don’t care if it is wise. blah, blah. I wanted to learn how to swim because: 1.) I love water. 2.) it is good exercise. 3.) it might turn into a passion. I love passions. 🙂  But since I don’t know what it is like to swim, I don’t know if I’m missing anything. On the other hand, I know how much I love making jewelry. Music is still my #1 passion.

It’s too bad I’ve forgotten most of what I’ve learn. I’m confident this jewelry course will reteach me the basics plus teach me more. Plus I really need to get into a class before I start buying all kinds of  random beads.  I now have inspiration for the kind of jewelry I want to make. I think that it is important to narrow it down or otherwise I would be all over the place. I’m inspired by the beach  but purple is my favorite color so I don’t know how that will work. And I love Tibetan beads. Lovely. I think I’m sticking with the beach.

Maybe someone isn’t doing jewelry making anymore and wants to get rid of their stuff on craigslist?? Just putting it out there…I’m so tempted to go to jewelrysupply.com and go nuts. They have nice beads on clearance. Self control, where art thou?

If for some reason the class is cancelled or it is full before I get to register, then I will reconsider swimming.

Oh yeah, one more thing I want to do this fall is finally go to North Carolina! Most people dream of Paris, I’ll settle for North Carolina. LOL. I’ve been trying to get there for years but something always comes up. I’m not paying for this trip so it isn’t up to me at all. But I hope to make it in November. My boss has to approve for me to take that Friday off then D has to decide to want to go and then I’m off to Chapel Hill. I don’t want to visit UNC (but I will). I want to go to Duke University. I’m obsessed with that school. heh. I love their basketball program. Plus the campus is beautiful. I just hope everything works out.

OMG! I just got approved to get that Friday and Monday in November off!! 🙂 That still doesn’t mean I’m going to NC but it is more likely. woohoo. YAY.

—————

I still have to pack for my overnight trip.  I don’t know what to take. I hope I can make it to the beach on Sunday morning. (The concert is Saturday night). That would be awesome. I just have to figure out parking.

OVERWHELM. OVERWHELM. OVERWHELM.

What do I feel the most other than anxious? OVERWHELMED.

Another outburst. Sorry I can’t help it. 😉

—————–

I fell in love with a tortoise!! A guinea pig also gave me the cutest look. Anyhow, for the past few months I’ve been really wanting a turtle. Petsmart just happened to have Russian tortoises when I went there on Sunday. They were so cute. Two of them appeared to be sleeping but one was poking his cute little head out. 🙂 I want one so bad. But I can’t. I’ve read a lot about turtles and I can’t have a Russian tortoise where I live now or when I move. They require too much. I still might consider an aquatic turtle one day

Russian tortoise chilling outside

What a cutie!  🙂

Now I have to do work after work because I’m a geek.

Haunted by you

“You are doing okay, right?”
“You’re fine, right?”

Me: Yes.

That is the only lie I can tell. I can tell that lie because it is only one word. I can’t convincingly lie about anything else.
———-
I skipped yoga today because this week has been busy, busy, busy and I’m slightly behind with school work. I was planning on missing the class because I was feeling sick but as of yesterday, I started feeling better. It is always like this. The heavy nausea comes and goes. I think I now know what my physical problem is. It is my scoliosis. Unfortunately now I’m worried that I might need surgery. What if my organs are all messed up??? (That does/has happened to people). I’m probably 15 years too late for a back brace fix. So if you have scoliosis get it fixed when you are 10. Don’t wait and end up like me.

I still have the abdominal pain and now pain in my back and upper legs. My therapist thinks my nausea is 100% anxiety related. (Gotta love psych people!) I have no idea whether my organs being “smushed” or whatever is causing nausea. I just want to rule out any physical issues. Yeah, my nausea issues could be due to anxiety…I don’t know.
———
Basically I’m still overwhelmed with everything but I’m trying out the scheduling thing. And I’m trying to find different places to study. Today (instead of yoga) I studied outside. I may check out one of the university libraries for a different location to study. I’m mostly overwhelmed about the things I don’t have much control over like the DMV situation and the selling-my-house situation. Oh yeah, and going to the doctor.

Now I’m overwhelmed again. Plus I have to head a teleconference meeting next week at work. (super excited about that <– sarcasm). I will be off for one week soon. I WILL make it to the park for at least one morning. The rest of the time may be filled with errands. I was supposed to be going to North Carolina but that fell through so no major plans for my vacation from work. Studying and appointments is what I will be doing.
———–
Pet update: My dog ate some of the frog’s food this morning. I hope she doesn’t turn into a big frog. Big frogs scare me. In fact I don’t like frogs any bigger than my dwarf frogs. My betta fish, Sky, is still living…..but he has some swelling underneath his face. 😦 I changed his water and placed aquarium salt in the aquarium. That is about all you can do with fish. He is moving around more this week than last but as long as the swelling is there, that can’t be good. I hope he isn’t in pain. 😦