All Too Well

I may go back to sleeping in my car. I haven’t slept in my car in about 6 or 7 years. Well there was a one week period about 5 years ago when I slept in my car. That doesn’t count. This is what apartment living does to me. I wish I could find my extra thick (and pricey) sleeping bag. It was cold last night. I know I would have been too cold to go to sleep in the car so why not continue to stay in my apartment and not sleep? One neighbor started vacuuming at midnight. And the other one kept on banging stuff. This is not normal behavior from them. Something was going on. To me it was like they were saying, “This is war”.

Except I didn’t do anything. lol. I just sit still when they are home. I will occasionally move to go to the bathroom or if I get tired of sitting in one spot, I’ll get up. THAT’S IT! My sleeping bag is in my mom’s attic. I will look for it but I don’t feel confident about finding it. I knew better than to get rid of it but I should have kept my eye on it.  I used to use that to sleep  in my car during the winter. I would wear layers and get in my sleeping bag. It was actually pretty warm.

I’m not going to be happy if I have to buy another sleeping bag. I can’t remember how much it cost but I know it was a lot (to me). Soon it will be getting warm anyway. But I need sleep NOW not soon…I don’t want to sleep in my car every night but I will. I hope I can find a parking spot. I’m not sure whether I’m allowed to park in the visitor section since I have a resident sticker on my car. They tow like crazy where I live so I have to be careful. But I would probably wake up before I get towed…And I would say, “HEY!”

I’ve been browsing Amazon and I found what looks sort of like my sleeping bag: Coleman Taos Extreme-Weather Mummy Bag I think that may be it. It is definitely the same color. I don’t know. It’s getting warm soon, the last thing I want to think about is buying an extreme weather sleeping bag so I can sleep in my car. Blargh!! People…

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I’m currently making  CDs for my car. I guess most people used their iPods in the car these days. I have no clue. For now, CDs work for me. I’m starting with Fun.’s album. Emeli Sande is next. I’m not sure I like Tegan and Sara’s new album enough to make a copy for the car. I am also doing multiple mix CDs. So fun. I will have everyone from Beyonce to Imagine Dragons on them. Hopefully these will be for a future road trip.

Does anyone ever listen to their music on shuffle and think, “Wow I have such great taste”? Confession: I totally do. 😉 haha.

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More later….Right now I can’t stop dancing to Fun. (I’m not home. Obvs)

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where I sleep

3 posts in 3 days…that won’t happen often.

Here’s the truth:

I’m so scared to even move in my apartment. Blogging? LOL. I can barely work! If it sounds insane…well it is driving me insane.

One of my two neighbors is not working any longer. He may have gotten laid off. I don’t know. I feel bad for him because losing a job sucks…..but when he is home all day (like me), I don’t get anything done. I used to get my chores done during the workday. When my neighbors would work, I would do things around the apartment PLUS do my “real” work. Then we they got home, I would pretty much sit still until bedtime. (You don’t wanna live like this – trust me!!)

Now ahhhhhhhhhhhh! He is always home. I am always home -except when I’m at the gym- so I am an irritable mess all the time. No relief. I appreciated so much that my neighbors worked (instead of being retired etc.). I thanked the universe for it. Well there goes being thankful. I swear anytime I say ‘thank you’ for anything, the opposite happens. ALL THE TIME. That is why I no longer say, “I’m so grateful for…….” because that thing will be gone in a flash.

It gets worse! My other neighbor suddenly got a kid from somewhere. (!!) She is a nice girl. We speak and smile when we see each other. She may be around 13 or 14. But WTF am I going to do in the summer? When she gets home from school, she sits right where my office is. There goes the workday. Where did this kid come from? Is she going to be around all summer? If I’m going nuts now, imagine that!

It isn’t my neighbors fault the walls are so thin. The funny and hard to explain thing is that they can only hear me (except I’m not making any noise so they hear nothing). They have a brick wall between them and their other neighbor. I’m the unlucky one with a 1 bedroom. I’m in the middle with nothing but thin ass drywall protecting me from their noise.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY????????

Being grateful doesn’t work so maybe whining in a blog will….I wish.

I just want to be normal. I have tried everything. The only thing that are slightly helpful are not having caffeine. Medicine would probably help a little bit if I took it but I hate being drowsy from the meds so I don’t take them often. Sleep helps a great deal but since my nonworking neighbor is home, he stays up late on some nights on the phone laughing and talking loud. Less sleep = irritable me. I get less real work done.

My job is on the line. It isn’t just because of the lack of training/help. It is my living situation too. I have gone to the library to work for a couple of hours once a week. That is a decent alternative. The solo study rooms are only available for 2 hours per person so I usually go into the group study room and hope no one else comes in. The mall is the other alternative. The downsides to that is there is no electric plug for my laptop and the last time I went the wi-fi was really sluggish. I had to go home because I was getting more done at home than at the mall!

I’m exhausted. I’m extremely worried about losing my job and the above is why. I’m going to hate myself if I lose my job due to my PTSD (triggered by noise in this case).

No solutions.

I also now believe that the universe no longer cares about anyone. Now I understand why people to choose to believe in a god. It must be comforting. The book, Undoing Perpetual Stress: The Missing Connection Between Depression, Anxiety and 21stCentury Illness finally convinced me to stop believing the universe gives a damn. It is a great book. I would recommend this book everyone but especially to all doctors (general practitioners and shrinks).

I realize this entry is a mess and that’s because my life is a mess. I’m envious of people who can easily tolerate living in an apartment (about 99% of the population). Normal. Normal. Normal. That is all I want. Apparently I am asking for too much?

I had to get this out…I easily typed all this out because I’m not home.

No more standing in the back of the line

Sigh. I know I recently started my entry with “Work is kicking my ass”. UGH! It hasn’t gotten any better. The changes at work are horrible. Everyone hates it and complains about it but at least they are above water. Barely. I keep getting behind. I just want to constantly scream. I’m going to see what I can do tomorrow. I could go on and on about work because it is so important. I kind of need it, you know? It won’t need me if this continues……I’m trying really hard but that isn’t good enough.

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Ladies, I’m going to keep coming to water aerobics on Tuesday whether you like it or not. You can go on another day if YOU would like but I’m not changing. I won’t be there this Tuesday probably but every Tuesday after that, I plan to be there. The difference between catty girls and catty guys is that I would be humiliated and terrified if a guy said those things. I would be so ashamed and never go back. Girls – whatever! (They are definitely women but I always refer to females as girls. Bad habit I guess?)

I’m always worried about what others will think. I don’t want to offend them or stick out in anyway. I’m not talking about the water people. Is it okay to do core work (sweaty work) and then go right to yoga? It is in the same room with the same instructor. I think some people stay for both. I want to do both. But in the back of my mind I’m going: What if I stink after doing core work? It is only a 30 minute class but it is probably like doing pilates for an hour.

I just need to deal with it: People don’t like me. They will never like me. No matter what I do. I swear I have half accepted it…okay almost 100% accepted it but there’s this little part of me that wonders WTF did I do? Fuck it, I don’t know social cues. Screw it.

Sorry for the outburst.

Anyway, I got my taxes back finally. I am now paying $14 less than people who makes twice what I make. It doesn’t seem right. I think it is because I’m single. People with kids probably get much more bang for their buck at the Y. They get free childcare etc. My current gym schedule is:

Sunday: gentle yoga

Tuesday: water aerobics

Wednesday: core class and hatha yoga (back to back)

I might add something else. I want to do cardio but I can’t find anything that isn’t choreographed and fits my schedule. I tried zumba at another gym. It was okay but not my thing. I just want to make sure I get the most for membership. This is what happens when it isn’t free! 😉

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I don’t blog as often as I used to because I’m terrified to move in my apartment. Sad but true. I try to limit my movements. In a way the Y is my saving grace. I get to leave my place and go somewhere!! WOW. This why my entries are so long when I do blog on the weekends. I’m not at home right now. I’m semi-free!

I worked at the library and the mall today. I had to get away. My neighbors have been home from work. Ugh, what if they get President’s Day off? (I don’t). The library is probably closed so I may find myself at the mall. The good thing about the library is there are plugs!! My laptop battery will not last for 7-8 hours. No way.

Paralysis and fear = my life right now

Oh, I’m watching “Girls” on DVD. I don’t think I’m getting it. haha.

I’m going to do another post soon. I will try to be coherent. Right now I’m so tired and I can’t think a full thought.

mental health day (TMI)

Before the job ish – My dad is leaving today! Going back overseas. I’m a little sad. The worse part was driving with him in the car. It wasn’t him at all. But I was so anxious that I was driving recklessly because I wanted to get there ASAP. Bad situation. Anyway, he gave me a $50 gift card to BP gas station. I KID YOU NOT. ROFL.

It is so funny to me because I would look at people filling up at BP and my first inclination was to judge them. I would think, “Don’t they know what is going on???” But then I saw that one of my credit card awards was a $50 gift card to BP. (Don’t worry I’m getting the $25 Amazon.com giftcard). So I stopped making assumptions. What if they have an account there or a gift card? And who am I to question why they are there? I don’t really care. Whatever.

And then my dad gives me this $50 gift card. How weird is that? Okay, I wanted to use the word “funny” but people get all pissed off about anything BP so…when I was feeling sick this morning, I left my wallet at work (urgh!!!!!), and all I had was the BP card. I thought they would at least have ginger ale or a snack. NOTHING. So WTF am I supposed to do with this card? Get gas? Either way the money is going to BP so it shouldn’t matter. But I was hoping to pick up things I normally don’t buy like tea and a Sunday newspaper. I hope all BPs aren’t like this one. I walked in and walked right out in shock.

Obviously I don’t know that much about gas stations. I always pay at the pump. I guess they aren’t like 7-11? So I’m not going to do the ethical thing and not use the card. I’m not buying snacks so if they don’t have a newspaper or at least a magazine rack….I’m going to buy gas. If it were only $10, I would probably consider it a wash and not use it. But I’m not throwing $50 away. Sorry, world. Besides my dad already paid for the card so BP already has the money. I hope the one near me at least has a newspaper.

My dad is very aware of everything going on. He reads the newspaper, Time and Newsweek weekly. I’m guessing that he got the BP gift card because it was in walking distance of the laundromat where I dropped him off last week. That is the only conclusion I can come up with. Forget it, this is hilarious to me…I’m sick in the head.

More updates on the BP giftcard coming. I will be visiting the one near me on Sunday to hopefully get a newspaper. PLEASE. I will be traveling in about two weeks so I should just buy gas. It isn’t the cheapest. I usually go to Chervon or Shell. BP is more expensive than both.
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Okay work:

Um, should I be offended….My boss told me just to take the day off! I wanted to (okay not really wanted to) make up the work tomorrow. 5 hours. But no. Instead I’m getting my first “unscheduled”. EVER. 😦 If it were any other boss, offense would not come to mind. But now that I know more about her. I know too much really. As long as I have a job there until I at least become certified (more than a year) then I don’t care.

I’m so sick of worrying about my job. Insecurity.
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Why did I leave? My stomach is in a horrid state. Not diarrhea. (sorry). But gassy plus feeling nauseas.

I feel like I could throw up but I don’t throw up so…LOL. I hold it in if possible. I think fear of vomiting has a name. Not the point…

If I eat broccoli, I get sick. I didn’t know broccoli had so much calcium until recently. If I eat too much fast food (rare but my dad gave me a McDonalds gift card) I get sick. I ate there 3 times in 2-3 weeks. One time it was a chicken sandwich. Other times it was way worse. Big Mac. My fave. Eating fast food is not the norm for me so I can easily stop that.

I don’t know. I feel like I can’t win. If I can’t eat vegetables….I’m scared to eat broccoli since the Jan 2010 incident. I went to work everyday, I just couldn’t eat anything and I lost about 5 pounds. I’m already underweight so that isn’t good.

fuck.

Screw that. I have so many more problems. Like everyone else I need sleep. My next door neighbor now shoots a bee bee gun or rifle at 4AM right near my window. Not once, I could probably go back to sleep if it was only once. He did it for 1 hour and a half this morning. Not continuously. I’m pretty sure he is doing it on purpose. I can’t control him. How do I get sleep though? I need it for my mental health. I’m already out of it??????!

Then there is the fireworks group. They live in the apartments a block from my house. They don’t wait until the 4th…which would be fine. Just one night? I could deal but this is ongoing. So I can’t even take a nap to “make up” the time from being woken up at 4am.

Sigh.

The only relief I get is when it is winter. And there is one shot of a bee bee gun or whatever it is. I know it isn’t a real gun. I have no idea what a bee bee gun sounds like. It snowed so much this past winter. More than I had ever experienced. The only good thing to come out of it was the quiet. It was so serene. Otherwise, I hate the snow and I hope it doesn’t come back next winter.

So when I wake up at 4am, I have such anxiety/fear. Can they hear my every movement, I wonder. (I notice that if I don’t move, it usually stops quicker – That freaks me out). I freeze. Sometimes I can’t get back to sleep. Like this morning for example.

I don’t know what to do. Normally I would check into a a nice $60 a night hotel. That would be Super 8. That is the only cheap motel I trust. The other ones have cheap walls and all kinds of stuff going on. HOWEVER, I’m going to see John Mayer in less than 3 weeks. The concert is out of town. I’m planning to make my getaway then. I will be staying about 20 minutes from the venue. It is about $60 a night. It has good reviews. And I’m thinking about staying there for 2 nights since it is so cheap.

The concert is supposed to be fun. But I already have so much anxiety about it. I figure it I stay there for a day before then my anxiety will lesson. And maybe I will even go to the botanical garden even thought I have never been to the local one. LOL. But I love gardens!

feeling sick again. I’ll do as much school work as I can. Not at home. My mom’s birthday gift to me was to have my house painted. It is sooooooooooo beautiful. 🙂 I’m not there because the painter is still there taking up my parking spot. It wasn’t expensive because it isn’t a “real” professional. No offense to the guy and my house is super small. I will post pics. You won’t get tempted to stop by. You might get shot with a bee bee gun. And I don’t even have a properly working TV so nothing to steal. 🙂 Also, my cat bites….hard.

When I post, I post. 1238 words. Worst ramble ever? Adios.

Runaway Train (part 1)

And so I ran. I knew that I couldn’t check myself in a psych ward because who would pay my bills? Deciding that apartment living was not the answer, I broke my lease. It cost me $1500. I brought a house in less than 45 days with no down payment of course.

I thought I was safe. No more hearing neighbors through thin ass walls. Yes I would miss my big closet and washing machine but the noise would be gone. I would feel safe. I could come home from work and feel free.

Well it didn’t quite happen that way. The noise began almost immediately while living in the house. I slept in my car for weeks to escape the noise. I yelled at my neighbors (from inside the house). Oh yeah, once I went on my side porch and yelled “FUCKERS!!”

The haunting of the noise is still here today. My mind is telling me it is getting worse.