I gotta draw a line

I’ve decided to not go to yoga on this Thursday. 😦 I have my period. It is very, very, light. However, a lot of Kundalini yoga has to be changed for a person on their period (or pregnant). I would rather just go when I don’t have my period. I wouldn’t be able to do all the heavy breathing and all that. I plan to go on the 20th assuming my period is over.

The good news is: my period is light!!! Hallelujah! I’ve never had a period this light before. Of course, it could last forever, but I don’t really care. I can still mow my lawn and get on the treadmill, and that’s all I really want to do. I guess the Depo is doing its job. That’s was quick.

I had a weird interaction with a “neighbor.” She told me she lets her pit bull run free and she doesn’t want my “little dog” to get hurt. Um, WHAT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE? Does her dog only attack other dogs? Other people walk around there all the time. I’m sure she doesn’t stop her car and says anything to them.

I’m guessing she just doesn’t want me walking around there. I walked right past her property and walked right back. The whole walk was 17 minutes. I know this because my Fitbit told me. I didn’t stand around. (I hate when people do that). I was just walking my dog.

Whatever. I will still walk in the area. But I will not walk past her property. I always walk on the road, so that is public property. I made sure to not even LOOK at her house. It’s hard to explain all this without going into detail of how the houses are. Anyway, I hope I don’t see her for a while. I take my dog on 4 short walks a day. So chances are that I will see her eventually.

Of course, she could get into real legal trouble if she allows her dog to run loose and attack people or dogs. I’m not buying it. I think she is just trying to scare me. A bullying tactic. *sigh*

I think I know what I’m doing next year for vacation. I’m going to Kripalu! It’s in Massachusetts. I will have to fly into Albany, NY and take a 20-minute taxi ride to get there. I’m so excited. I wanted to go this year, and there is still a very small chance I will go this year. But I’m pretty much giving up on it happening. I have to work half a day on the day I would have to fly there, and it would pretty much take a miracle to make it there in July. (I do believe in miracles, so it’s possible).

More about Kripalu. They have all kinds of retreats. 300 acres. Yoga classes. etc. I would probably go for Gabby Bernstein if I could have my number 1 choice. Her retreats are only 3 days, and that’s more affordable than a week long retreat. She announces it pretty early so I should be able to get the time off from work. Man, I wish I could go this year. I could really use a retreat.

Maybe it was meant for me to find out about it this year so I could start planning for next year. Next year I was going to go nowhere or to the beach. I wanted something inexpensive. Well, Kripalu changes that. I think I went to Mexico for less money than the cost of Kripalu. Why do they have to be in Massachusetts? It’s so far away. Not that I don’t want to go there (during the summer only). I bet it’s nice (um, during the summer only – lol).

So yeah, That’s the plan. Kripalu and Gabby here I come…in 2018. Can’t wait.

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What I cannot change

I’m not some dumb American. I can understand Spanish. I felt like what the workers were doing and saying had racist overtones to it. Just because I’m at home during the day doesn’t mean that I don’t work. I could work at night. I could work very flexible hours from home. I could have a trust fund.  What a freaking concept! Or I could have a somewhat nonflexible work at home job. (<—That would be me).

Backstory: There were people working during the day in my neighborhood. At least one of them was taunting my dog as I walked by on Thursday. And they were talking very loudly in Spanish. They probably have no idea I could understand some of it. This continued the next day when they saw me again. I’m so glad they are gone. But I bet a lot of my neighbors also think I get disability (not that there is anything wrong with that) or some form of government assistance. They can’t even THINK of other possibilities.

Their limited thinking (if you want to call it that), says more about them then me. It is also limited thinking to assume that because someone is reading a book on addiction, that they have an addiction. Ever heard of curiosity? People are close-minded. I happen to read on a lot of topics that I don’t personally have.

Once I was reading a book called “Mexicans.” And someone said, “They don’t care about you. Why are you reading about them?”. I kid you not. People are really something.

——

I called into my first Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting. I didn’t have to say anything, see anyone or leave my house, so it went well. 🙂 Seriously, it was helpful, and I will be calling in every week.

I always said that if I were an alcoholic, I would not join AA. I’ve read the 12 steps, and most of the steps don’t resonate with me. I don’t believe in God. Strike #1. But OA has the 12 steps plus other helpful info like not eating sugar…ever! I need to do that. They focus on abstinence. I so need that.

Maybe one day I’ll get a sponsor. But I’m not sure this is a major issue in my life. The last thing I want to do is waste someone’s time. Another thing is the sponsor will most likely make me call strangers to talk about eating and um, NO. I’m willing to talk to a sponsor on the phone…shouldn’t that be good enough? Why does everything involve talking? ugh.

Another thing is they focus on how much weight one loses as a part of recovery. Well, I already lost my weight. Sure I would love to lose 5 more pounds, but that’s all. I feel a little weird about that aspect of it.

That’s not it. NOPE. When I go all in, I go all in. I also called into a Debtors Anonymous meeting. It takes place daily early in the morning. Maybe one day I can find other groups that don’t deal with the 12 steps. Anyway, the meeting I called on Friday morning was just okay. I might have to find another group. I will also try Shoppers Anonymous.

I know I have to do more than meetings. (Thanks, Susie!) I’m already DOING things. I’m working on abstinence. I will blog more about this journey as it unfolds.

This week I…

Music of the week: Britney Spears, Yuna, Beyonce, Frank Ocean, Ingrid Michaelson, Ellie Goulding, Carrie Underwood, Martina McBride

The new Ingrid Michaelson is much better than her last album. Loving it so far. Ellie Goulding has another hit on her hands. And it is my song of the week:

TV of the week:  Grey’s Anatomy, Big Brother

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I’m reading:

Plans for the Weekend: It’s all about cleaning up. I’m starting today, and I’m planning to be done by Saturday. I didn’t get a chance to redo my resume, so I’m definitely doing that this weekend. I will also plan my “new life” with what I’ve learned in the anonymous meetings.  And hopefully, I get to just chill outside with my dog and a book. Oh, I have to update my Trunk Club entry, but I still don’t know what I’m keeping, and I’m mailing it back tomorrow. So I guess I will also be trying on clothes and crunching numbers tonight.

Have a nice weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

People gonna talk whether you doing bad or good

Rant:

I was so angry last night. I get angry every time one of my so-called neighbors throws trash in my yard. These nitwits. What have I done to you entitled fucks? I’m pretty sure I know who is doing it. I’m 96.5% sure. I haven’t done a thing to him. He lives kind of far from me. He has to pass my house every time he comes and goes.

But I know this is a test from the Universe. I won’t let them/him get to me anymore. I will just wait until there is enough trash there, and put it in my garbage can. I will do this at night, of course (when I’m doing a late night/early morning dog potty session). I don’t want him seeing me picking up his trash. lol. Not that he can see me from where he lives but people talk.

I’m not going to stress over it. Let them be fools. I know karma will take care of them. I find peace in that. I do wish they would know that they aren’t getting away with anything but I can’t control that so…..Think about how pathetic their life must be to just chuck their trash out the window into my yard. Does he get a thrill? Does it make him happy? PATHETIC. I would feel bad for him but I’m not there yet.

People. I hate ’em most of the time. Please don’t ask why. I think it’s apparent. Hate is a strong word but don’t freaking mess with me!

/end rant

P.S. Their mail came to my house today.  I walked all the way down there and put it in their mailbox. I’m not the person delivering the bad karma. The universe will take care of it.

P.P.S This is the problem with warm weather: HUMANS. 😦

———

How do you tell someone I don’t want to go to your meeting because I don’t believe what you all believe…in a polite way? I have until Thursday to figure it out. Yep, the Jehovah Witnesses are back. C is the main one. She comes to my house weekly. She took most of the winter off and it was sooo nice. I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE BIBLE. um, once again how do you say this in a nice way?

I think I’m just going to say, “I’m not a believer”. And see what she says. She knows I don’t believe in god. Wait, unless she thinks I changed my mind just because she comes to my house. ??? Oh dear. Yeah, I think I’m just going to be honest and go with the whole ‘not a believer’ thing.

My blog is helpful! To me. haha. I didn’t think of that until I started typing it out. Thank you Buddha. That doesn’t mean it will be easy to say though.

——–

I think my therapy sessions are over. I was only going once a month and only 50% of the time was it really helpful. I talk to no one about my issues so some may argue that talking about things are good. But…whatever. It all started with a cancellation due to snow. She said she would call back to fit me in. She never called. Is that a sign from the universe? I hate driving all the way out there. Then I have to wait 30 mins because she is ALWAYS late. (no apology either). So I think I’m done. She wants to cure me of my social anxiety. I don’t think that is my biggest issue. This is where we differ.

——

I uploaded my planner video to YouTube! OMG. I was so nervous. My few subscribers (60) probably were like WTF is this? Ideally I should have created a new channel but it isn’t like I’m planning on doing a lot of planner videos. I have one more lined up and that is probably it until 2016. I have a few videos on my channel. They are mostly music/pop culture related so this is waaaaaaay out of left field.

My 30 second Britney Spears in Vegas video has 198 views since October. I hope this video beats that. People have viewed it. No comments or likes/unlikes…so far. I’m not checking the stats anymore for a while. I only checked within the first 20 hours and it had about 17 views. My Mariah Carey video has 42,000 views!!! LOL. I had no idea until I checked this weekend. I know my planner video won’t get that.

To anyone who watched the video: My voice is not always that flat. In fact, I’m easily excitable and my voice goes up and down in a crazy way in real life. I was just nervous while shooting the vid.

I’m a bad girl, I must admit it

I’m confused. Is it just heartburn or chest pain? I don’t know what heartburn feels like and the internet is of no help. “Burning feeling”?  Nah, it just feels like a sharp tingling in the chest. I used to have these chest pains ALL THE TIME  as in daily about a decade ago. Then it stopped. As soon as I go wheat free, the chest pains start back up again. (No I don’t really think there is a correlation but it is um, interesting). It doesn’t last that long. I don’t know how to describe it better. A sharp pain is a decent description. When it happens, I can’t do anything but wait it out. It hurts to breathe. It is kind of scary.

I think I will treat it as if it were heartburn and see how that works. I know if I go to my PCP, she will say heartburn and put me on some medication for that so I’m not planning on going to the doctor as of now. I’m just going to not nap after I eat and see if that helps. (Being in a reclining position doesn’t help heartburn). I love my naps!

I think it is probably related to an ulcer or maybe heart disease. Not heartburn. But that is just a guess.

A lot of people have these marvelous feelings after going wheat free…even after only a week! My jeans feel a little bit looser. And that is about it. Well on some days I do feel less hungry. (Wheat makes people want to eat more).  I haven’t noticed higher energy levels. My skin is still breaking out (as it has since puberty). I went wheat free and all I got was chest pains!  Whatevs. In October I’m getting things like my blood pressure, cholesterol and glucose levels checked for free. I hope to see good results.

I haven’t had chest pains in 48 hours. Go me??

I have cooked a little more. I feel lame for admitting this but I cooked quesadillas for the first time yesterday. Why have I never done this before? What is easier than making a quesadilla?  Unfortunately I like wheat tortillas better than corn tortillas. I can’t have the wheat ones anymore. Woe is me. 😦  I probably need to cut back on the amount of cheese I’m consuming being that I’m lactose intolerant and all. Ya think? But I brought a bunch of cheese for another recipe I have decided not to make so I have a lot of cheese which means: lots of quesadillas.

———-

I think I figured out the weird “neighbor” incident. He blames me for my real neighbor not being able to sell his house!  I wish I hadn’t told him anything. I told him I was only renting. I also told him I worked at home and he did not believe me. So much for all the online articles that say, “Working at home is more common than ever!” because no one freaking believes that I actually work at home. Anyway, fuck. I would feel bad if I hurt a chance for him to sell his house.

I just don’t like being blamed for EVERYTHING. There is a term for this…I can’t remember it right now. In the office, I was always blamed for stuff that was no one’s fault because I’m was not part of the group. The black sheep gets a lot of flack even when they have done nothing wrong. I blame groupthink too.

———

I feel like I just ‘blogged’ about absolutely nothing but this about my life so……

Give me fire

I might be going to see John Mayer in concert again!!!!!! Tickets go on sale on Sept 20. Barring anything financial stopping me I will be buying a ticket. I can always sell the ticket if I have to. I saw him in 2010 for the first time. I had a great seat to see him in a small venue in 2012 but he had to have throat surgery and the show was canceled. The show isn’t until December. YAY. Exciting. I’m just glad he is coming back.

——–

I made the wheat free mini pizzas. I would not recommend them if you are trying to lose weight. It is one of those wheat free but not healthy foods. I WILL NOT be eating these regularly. The pizzas tasted soooo good though. It was better after putting it in the fridge and microwaving it the next day. Here are the pictures:

step one
step one
finished product
finished product

I didn’t exactly follow the recipe from the book “Wheat Belly”. (<—recipe there) For two pizzas, I used:

  • 2 wheat free pizza crusts
  • 3/4 of a 1lb of beef
  • 6 slices of mozzarella cheese
  • 4.5 oz marinara sauce
  • a little bit of Parmesan cheese

I baked it for about 20 minutes. Of course I cooked the beef first. I would have used pepperoni but I could not find them at Kroger. I would like to try a dairy free pizza. The best thing about being wheat free is that I am no longer eating processed food as a part of my diet.

—————-

I had a weird encounter with a neighbor on Labor Day. Well I don’t really consider him a neighbor. It would take me about 15 minutes to walk to his house. First he just came into my yard on his scooter like it was his place. I was mowing the lawn. Boundaries people! He acted like I had to talk to him. Like he deserved answers from me. I HATE when people do that. #1 You aren’t a neighbor. #2 You don’t have the right to know shit.

But I was nice. I even said something I would never say without the other person saying it first. “Nice meeting you”. I don’t know where I got that fake BS from. It just popped into my head and I actually said it! What I did love was that he didn’t say it back. LOL. Keeping it real. I like. 🙂

What really bothered me is he said some “devilish” stuff was going on. Um, okay. I have nothing to do with that. I stay in my house. I don’t talk to anyone. I bother no one. I think I have one real neighbor (The wife died before I moved here. I think the husband or someone lives there. All I know is that the house is for sale).  I felt like he was accusing me of something. Whatever is going on, it isn’t my fault. I live 15 minutes away from you. We aren’t even neighbors. WTF are you even here for?

He also insisted that my car was gone at night. HUH??! Unless someone is stealing it every night and returning it (nicely) in the morning, my car is not gone overnight. So strange.

The whole thing bothered me. If I had kids or an outdoor pet, I would  swear they must be bugging someone. I don’t even go outside that much! I’m only outside to go to my car, mow the lawn and occasionally read on the porch. I don’t get it.

People. Can’t live with them.

Please still my heart

One person didn’t show up for the apartment showing. Thanks for making me get over there at 10:20 for nothing. But that may not matter. The woman who promised to show at noon came. And she loved the apartment! She was visualizing where to put furniture. She was awesome. 😉 I’m pretty sure she could get approved…but she has to apply. I hope nothing changes her mind.

No neighbors were there. How lucky! One neighbor left 15 minutes before and the other guy has his kid(s) this weekend. They are loud. I’m so glad they left before she got there. I could never rent to a single person (with no kids) with a bunch of kids running around. The first lady I showed the apartment to asked me about kids in the neighborhood. I’m so glad I’m not the only person who doesn’t really want to live around kids. I feel less weird. 🙂 I’m nervous/weary about what will go on where I live now when the kids get out of school.

I should know by Monday or Tuesday what she has decided. So nervous. She is my only hope. I was so depressed. I can’t keep paying for the apartment. ::crossing fingers::

I was supposed to post pics in this entry but I can’t find my camera. I also need to find my camera to start an ebay auction. I haven’t sold on ebay in about 3 years….

I just ran out of band aids

The kids being out of school for spring break is soooooooooooo much worse than I thought it would be. I didn’t expect my neighbor on the right to have his kid(s) at home too. And they are young, loud, and obnoxious. I didn’t get much sleep last night. They probably went to bed at around 1AM. Who lets a 5 year old stay up that late and run up and down the stairs and bang stuff? Them. Another thing that bothers me is,  they aren’t teaching their kids about respecting others. I bet these kids will grow up to be bad neighbors.

FUCK.

Hours after I typed the above, I relapsed. But here’s the thing: I won’t be able to afford to relapse anymore. This is a time when having friends would be awesome. HAHA. Yes I booked a hotel for two nights. I justified it in my mind because I knew this was the only way I could work. “All I wanna do is my work”, I say in my best whiny voice. I’m way behind.

So obviously this can’t continue. (for $$ reasons). I love staying in hotels and would gladly do it if I could afford it. I could have done so much with this money. 😦 There is no point in crying about that now. The real issue is WTF am I going to do in the summer? Everyone else but me is looking forward to the summer. I’m worried about how often the boy(s) will be there. I can’t sleep. I don’t eat. I barely get any work done….

More on this later. I’m really concerned about the money issue. I CAN’T AFFORD THIS ANYMORE.

———–

The following was supposed to be its own entry. I’ll do a shortened version of this topic:

I cried in therapy for the first time in over a year. Thinking about my past is never pleasant. Those motherfuckers robbed me of my life. They won! I don’t know what they are doing now but it probably involves 2.5 kids so in America’s eyes – they won.

If anyone should be an anti-bullying activist, it should be me. It was every single day. It ruined me. It made me, ME. All you see and read is because of their abuse. I just want people to take it seriously because bullying/teasing killed me. I’m dead.

———

I just got back from the pool. The water was cold! I jogged around for about 20 minutes. I’m going to take a nap now….because I can.