I can’t tell you where I’m bound

Me: Am I still in the running for the house?
Assistant: Yes

Me: Is there a move in date?
Assistant: No not yet

I really wish I could speak to the owner of the business. I know I wouldn’t have gotten those answers from her. She would have told me that the house should be ready the first week of May blah blah. She is rarely in the office. She is out showing houses etc. Only once when I came in was she there. She would assure me that everything is okay…if it is okay. Well at least I have a set place for at least a week.  I brought food for 2 weeks because I know where I will be for at least one full week. I’m at my mom’s house but I can’t help feel like I’m imposing. It used to be fine for me to be here but with my grandmother living here also…it is a strain.

But I’m hoping it is only for a week or maybe two. If I get the house, it isn’t like I can pick up and move that day. I wish! Anyway, the biggest issue for me now is should I apply for other houses? Since I’m undergoing a voluntary foreclosure (STRESS ALERT) it isn’t like I’m the easiest candidate.  The word “foreclosure” wasn’t on my credit report when I checked two weeks ago but soon it will be there. Then no one will rent to me. 😦 So I have to find a house ASAP. I think I will give them until May 6 before I turn in another application. I’ve already filled it out. I don’t know if I can wait until May 6 though. Patience.

May is normally my favorite month. It still could be. But it will definitely not be an easy month. I keep forgetting that I am supposed to be going camping with my dog on my birthday. I am leaving on May 14th and returning on May 16th. By then I plan on having some kind of house. I cannot wait for my “dreamhouse” forever. I get nervous each time they re-post the listing. Hello? Am I not enough? LOL. 🙂

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I took my laptop to get repaired on April 22. No phone calls. I called them on April 25. They hadn’t even looked at the thing!! Still no phone calls from them. I don’t know what to do. I guess I will call them on Tuesday to see if they have looked at it. So annoying. Normally I would be all over that but I have so much other stuff going on. Besides I think the laptop is dead now. I used to hear the fan when I pressed the power button but I stopped hearing that. bummer. It’s not like I can afford a new laptop at the moment. If someone rents my apartment quickly then I’ll buy one.

I’m going to make myself go to the Y twice this week. A ‘cardio extreme’ class sounds exactly what I need.  I’m also considering cancelling my membership if I get the house. My job gives me about 75% of my membership fees because I live more than 10 miles away from my job but if I get dreamhouse I will be living very close to work and I won’t get a dime.

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I heard two comments from two different mothers recently. I guess when you have kids you can do anything. You’re superwoman. When you have kids you don’t have time for things like jewelry. Such frivolous things! 😉 I don’t know what’s going on but drop it already. You chose to have kids. Whoopeeee!!! Good for you. If anyone ever wonder why childfree folks get mad sometimes, listen to women with kids talk to women without kids. Everything centers back to them being a mom.

Oh you CAN’T do this? I can. When you have kids you have to do ———. Oh you CAN do this? Must be nice. I have kids, I don’t have time for that.

LOL! Moms….sigh. Oh and I know all women with kids aren’t like this. Thank Buddha.

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I’d be patient if I had the time

SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t take the wait or not knowing. WTF am I supposed to do? I could be packing when I’m actually in my apartment if I knew. Everything will be so rushed.

I’m sick of being a vagabond. From hotels (now motels) to my mom’s house. SCREAM.

As far as work is concerned this is a good time as ever to be in between places or whatever the fuck I am. I’m in the office for about 2 weeks. I HAVE TO FIND A PLACE TO LIVE BEFORE I START WORKING FROM HOME AGAIN. I tried working in my apartment and I wasn’t as successful. I sooooooooooo need this house in less than 2 weeks. I can’t keep moving from place to place. I am now in my apartment about one night a week. What if I don’t get the house or they push it back until June. Then what??

I have never wanted something so specific (this house) in my life. I hope the landlord finishes up his last install early. At first it was mid-April. Now it is the beginning of May. I can see why they want other applicants. Who would wait this long for a particular house? UGH!

I’m scared/nervous/anxious to be in my apartment. No one will understand this so I’m not even going to try to explain. I have my monthly therapy appointment in early May. O god, I wish I knew when.  I have training two days during the first week of May. To be honest cancelling wouldn’t be a horrible thing. I can’t even get a therapist to understand. (Hello?) I’m sick of her telling me not to be afraid of noise. It isn’t just the god damn noise!!!

Dammit, I just want the house…or to know I have the house. If I do get the house, I will try to rent out my apartment a month later (hopefully June). I have never done this before so I’m going in blind. My plan is to get at least 3 people to apply. Who knows how many people I will have to see to get 3 people or even just 2 people to even apply.

This entry is all over the place. I have to know but I can’t know. So what do I do? Just wait or come up with a realistic plan B? I think I will ask to stay with my mom for the next week. Then if I still don’t know or if I get denied for the house, I will have to go back to my apartment. THE HORROR! Please don’t let that happen. I can’t work there so that will be the worst possible outcome. (I mean I can work but it isn’t up to management’s standards).

Look at me now……….and I don’t even have to move yet or find someone to lease my apartment. The stress now is the not living in one place. And not knowing where I will land. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I probably almost weigh 130lbs which I know isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t helping me feel better. I need a routine which is very hard without a home base. I eat whatever because I never know where I will be. I buy food for my apartment and then I land at my mom’s house or at a motel. I went to water aerobics for the first time in 3 weeks last night.

I desperately need this house. Seeing the inside just made me want it more. It was meant to be.

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Back at work and back to being around people. I have already been called a name (not a bad word – lol) and gossiped about. People. Gotta hate ’em. It’s funny because it seems like this person was just waiting to see me. She doesn’t work in my department so I don’t know her. I just know that she loves to talk about me. 😉 She gave me a name, maybe I should come up with a name for her. I don’t even know how she looks, I just know her voice. What a bitch. Yeah that is a good name. Nah, I can be more creative.

I awake with good intentions

……but the day, it always lasts too long.

I just saw the inside of my “dreamhouse”. Freaking amazing!! It is sooo nice. New tub, stove and refrigerator. And the best part: SHELVES. I have dreamed of having built in shelves. She probably thought I was nuts for going crazy over shelves. Well I could have it….if only they decide to let me rent it. It even has a real dining room. That would probably be my office.

I’m very anxious/nervous about this. She said I’m the #1 applicant out of the people they have now however, they re-listed it. 😦 So new people will get a chance to get ahead of me. What if they make more money? Have more landlord references? Have spotless credit? What happens then? 😦 😦 I’m so scared. I have to get this place. No one will be able to sign a lease until the beginning of May because the county is making him install something. That sucks because that is giving them 2 weeks to look for more applicants. Bummer.

I know attachment to anything is bad but this is my only real option. Well the other house has been re-listed as well so if it were still available, I may consider it despite the spotty neighborhood. SIGH.

I do feel better today than I felt last night. She told me not to be scared. LOL. She also told me congratulations but I would be foolish to get my hopes up.

The only bad thing about the house is no closet space. I can totally get over that! Besides I’m used to having that issue.

Oh well after everything that has gone on, I think I’m going to have a “Mad Men” marathon. All I watch is news normally and I can’t take that anymore.

Don’t let me be lonely

I don’t know whether this is good or bad news:

I can’t break my lease. Can’t. I have to find someone to takeover the lease or pay for the apartment. Needless to say, I can’t afford the house and the apartment. I don’t mind placing an ad on craiglist and other places. The screening process is what I’m freaking out over. I have to pick ONE applicant to take to the leasing office. So it better be the right person or I have to do it all over again. Am I supposed to check job stuff? Omg. I can’t.

The positive is that maybe I will find someone and I won’t have to pay for the apartment myself. On the other hand, I was ready (sort of) to just pay the penalty…but there is no penalty. *&^#

I want to focus on moving so I’m not going to look for an applicant right now. Moving is overwhelming enough.

A lot of stuff is going on with work. I never thought I would say this but I wish I didn’t already have a reservation for the beach this week. I could be packing or figuring out utilities or something.

Sigh. Oh well. I guess I get to see the house tomorrow or Wednesday. I hope it is tomorrow because I’m leaving for the beach Wednesday evening. I think I’m going to tell them I want to move this Friday. My stuff won’t be there for weeks but I do plan on sleeping on the floor until I get my furniture.

I’m worried about the utilities now….and money of course. The apartment is awesome for people who don’t mind apartment living so I know I can find someone. I know I’m going to miss it. I had just fallen in love with the area and everything. Oh well. Back to work.

The vacancy that sat in my heart

Woohoo! I got the house! It is my dream house. Okay, I’m being dramatic again. It doesn’t have french doors……but I don’t have neighbors. On one side is a woody/grassy area. On the other side is the street. No one is in the front of me. And guess what? No one can drive past my house because there is a dead end in front of my house. And nope, I’m not in the country!! This is the kind of house I pass by, sigh and think “Why can’t I live somewhere like this?”

my crib, yo!

my crib, yo!

I do have two people kind of in the back of me. Two much bigger (and “better”) houses. I went by there at 4:45PM today, it was about 75 degrees yet no one was hanging out. SCORE! It was very quiet. You don’t want to know how I got approved. I don’t even know!

that damn yard

that damn yard

I actually got approved for TWO houses. The other house I had already decided not to rent. I went there at 3:30PM and people were hanging out. ugh! That isn’t the only reason. The houses were close together and there were houses in the front, back and to the sides. Been there, done that. It is better than apartment living (for me) but I don’t like it.

Back to my “dream house”: They are installing the carpet on Monday. I probably get to see the inside on Tuesday or Wednesday. Oh, you thought I cared about the inside??? LOL. I only care about not living in an apartment. I would be bummed if it were dirty but I can have people take care of that. 😉 The yard is in decent shape.

The negatives are probably no dishwasher. (not 100% sure there isn’t one but I’m 99% sure). There is a laundry room but as far as I know there isn’t a washer or dryer there. I don’t know if there is even a refrigerator! I had to sign without seeing because it was “first come, first serve” and I know they had other applicants.

THE BAD. THE HORRIBLE. THE NIGHTMARE.

Oh, yeah. The nasty. WTF am I going to do with my apartment?????! I don’t want to break the lease. Here are my options:

1. Put the rent on my credit card until my lease is up. I know this is bad but is it better than breaking the lease?

2. Just break the lease and pay up on my credit card…if that is even allowed.

3. Sublease the apartment…except I’m pretty sure that isn’t legal but how would I know since I don’t have a copy of my lease? I wouldn’t mind subletting if I didn’t think I would get caught. Hmmm. I wish I knew someone who wanted an apartment. Not to be a downer but the one person I know, doesn’t have long to live and is no longer looking. I hope he defies doctors expectations but that is another topic.

I don’t know how subleasing works….especially when you don’t want the rental office to know.

Well I have to figure something out. I don’t even know when I’m moving. It is pretty much my choice according to the assistant. Will they hold it until May 1? I doubt it. Not that I don’t want to move NOW but I have to get internet (since I work at home) and electricity before I move in. Decisions, decisions. I am planning on moving my bare essentials ASAP (my work computer etc.) I will work on the floor until I get my desk moved.

I feel a little less screwed. I’m screwing myself by having two places. I am looking for/thinking about getting a part time job. Maybe after a change happens at work (starting next week*), I will be able to do overtime but I can’t count on that. It is very limited. *I will probably blog about this later.

And I didn’t have to have SEX! 🙂 🙂 🙂

I don’t have forever or time to waste

I’m screwed. SCREWED. I have to rant:

No one is going to rent to me with a voluntary foreclosure. It doesn’t matter that that type of loan is probably illegal now. It doesn’t matter what those fuckers did to my car and all the other things…who cares?

I’m fucked.

Why am I trying so much? Why bother? Maybe I do love myself and that is why I won’t kill myself. If that is true, it is very hidden. Because I swear I’m just scared. I almost did it once but the fear…it got me. Maybe it is fear of the unknown?

I applied to rent a house today. I wasn’t even thinking it would cost me $50. FIFTY DOLLARS to get screwed. 😉 Before I went there, I thought there was a slight chance I would get it but then I saw the application. SCREWED.

And tomorrow I have an appointment to see another house. WHY? I was feeling like I had a chance earlier today so I built up the courage to make 2 calls and 1 text message. Courage or just desperate?

oh god………why?

I never once went to a hotel while I lived in a house. I think I lived there for 5 years. NO HOTELS. So I really do believe a house is better.

I’m sick of driving around and enviously looking at all the perfect people living in their perfect houses. And yes, sometimes I wonder who do I have to fuck to get a house?

Maybe if I just had sex like a normal person…wait but I can’t live like that. Stop that idea. But really, I could have that if I just had sex?????????

Maybe I’ll die tomorrow. You never know.

I’m just so sick of everything.

running, running

In less than two weeks I will be at my favorite hotel on the beach! I’m so thankful for the special. On the other hand, I have so much stuff to get done and since I’m using my days off in April and May to ‘travel’, I have no time to get things done like getting tires for my car and finding someone to fix my computer. Oh well, I’ll make it work.

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Self love or simply caring?

I have low self esteem. I don’t think that will shock anyone who reads my blog. I bring this up because my therapist said that the defense mechanisms I use is self love. Right now I would say I’m disappointed in myself. I do hate myself sometimes but I know I could be alone in the woods forever and be just fine (well with books and music, of course). I don’t need company. So I guess that means I do like some of myself.

But protecting myself is just natural. Let me reword it by saying that taking care of myself is maternal. What I’m doing is what a mom what do for her kid. She would protect her kid at all cost.

YES I protect myself from those mean people. YES I do go overboard. No shit. I don’t feel all that loving towards myself especially right at this moment. I’m just super disappointed that I went to a hotel last week. 😦 Bummed. I mean I had a good time and it was kind of worth it but the cost of staying at the hotel is the problem.

I just think ‘self love’ is the wrong term. Caring. Self protective. I want to protect the person who got bullied everyday. I don’t want all that to happen again. It was horrible.

If she thinks it is self love…..okay. Nothing is wrong with self love, I just feel a little far from that. I guess now is the wrong time for that when I’m just kind of down in the dumps over my actions and reactions. If I could only promise myself that I will NEVER do it again.

I will not flee to a hotel again. At night, I’m willing to sleep in my car (only if it is at least 50 degrees, I don’t have my sleeping bag). I can go to my mom’s house but for several reasons I don’t want to go there daily. For one, she lives on the other side of town. Gosh, I really hope I can lease a house when my lease is almost up. (My lease is up in December but I hope I can rent a house in October/November somehow. I’ve been thinking about breaking my lease and renting a house NOW but how many people would rent to me?). I don’t know what I will do this summer. The adults are kind of bad but the kids are…hell on wheels.

I need to focus on saving money to rent a house. I’m pretty sure I’m not resigning my lease for this place. I know moving somewhere else isn’t necessarily the answer.  But all of my living situations have NOT been negative. Plus I have learned from my mistakes. I can do this as long as I’m not sharing walls with someone 24/7. A house………..please.

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I’m a little excited about my May scrapbooking Ebay listing. I have a mix of stuff. Project Life: (cherry, turquoise, olive, blush, jade, wellington, and cinnamon) and a mix of stuff from Studio Calico. I’m more excited that I get to keep half of this stuff for myself. But I also get to sale half of it. I love ebay…sometimes. It can be addicting. :/ At least my Project Life spreads in the future will look better.

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I’m starting to watch “Mad Men”. Yes I’m late. I’m on season one, episode 3. I’m only watching because there was a recent article hinting that the main character might have social anxiety (!!). Anyway, now I’m watching it to see if there are clues. So far I see nothing. The show is okay so far, it is too early to tell if I will end up slowly watching all the episodes. I loved the pilot but thought the second show was average. It was “Mad Men” or watch the “The West Wing” from the beginning. I haven’t seen all the episodes. That could be interesting.