All I’ve got is time

******BREAKING NEWS*************

I  ORDERED A TREADMILL. lol. I’m so nuts/sad/mad. I have all these crazed emotions because I don’t know whether I got the promotional financing or not. I tried everything to find out. I called, I chatted. No answers. I NEED that financing. Without it, I’m doomed.

I bought the LifeSpan TR200 Compact Treadmill. It is already assembled. (!!) Yes, that is the main reason I picked that one. I was worried about all the extra time I will have (see below), but now that I’m getting a treadmill on Wednesday, I will have something to do. lol.

If I didn’t get the financing… Oh boy. I’m going to try my best to cancel my order. First, I will try to straighten it out. But who knows whether they will let me? The not knowing is driving me crazy.

I went to the free gym today. I thought there might be a bunch of New Year’s people there. Nope. I was alone for 1.5 of my miles. Then a woman came in. But it is getting cold. And I don’t like leaving my house ever, but especially when it is cold. Besides with a treadmill, I will be able to easily use it every day.

I’m hoping exercising daily will help with anxiety, weight maintenance, and my prehypertension.

Now back to what I was blogging before I ordered the treadmill:

I don’t have my practicum to do anymore. 😦 I didn’t know I had a year to complete it. And they also did some unethical stuff I won’t get into. So now I’m looking for something to do with that time. I don’t want a hobby like knitting because then I would have to spend money on yarn. So I’m looking for something free to do. It’ll probably be a part time job if I can find a nonsocial one.

I’m trying to work fewer hours at my full-time job. And now I don’t have the practicum to do. That means I have TIME. How many people have this problem? lol. Everyone else is busy, busy, busy. Oh well. I will find something to do. For now, I will probably work more. That is so pathetic and not at all what I planned to do. ARGH.

I will definitely read more. I read 25 books last year. I don’t know. I need something meaningful and free to do. That is what I’m looking for. Volunteering would be an option, but first I want to be sure I don’t need a part-time job. I’ve gotten into trouble before with volunteering somewhere when I needed work.

I would consider getting my Master’s, but the company I worked for changed its policy and will only pay for three types of Bachelor’s degrees. All involve management. I have NO INTEREST in management. I hate business. I only majored in it during undergrad because I didn’t know what to major in. So I changed to psychology. (I ended up with a degree in psychology with a minor in business).

So school’s out. Not that I have anything against getting another Bachelor’s. I just want it to be what I’m interested in. Hell, I would get an associate’s degree. Oh well.

Now I’m going to freak out over the whole treadmill financing situation. I will probably listen to a podcast and then go to bed.  I may update this entry with the results. I have to stop freaking out. But I just bought a treadmill!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

You’re not breaking me

Good news post! 3 good things: Grammy’s, gym and wig. 😉

Tori Kelly got nominated for Best New Artist!!!! OMG. YAY. Best news evah! So happy for her. People were saying she was going to get left out. I don’t think she’s going to win, but I know she must be on cloud 9. Congrats. I hope she wins. Now I have a reason to watch the Grammy’s. YES!  Congrats to James Bay too. Both got nominated in the same category.  If Tori wins, I will die.

And….D’angelo got nominated for Record of the Year!! Amazing! Wow, I can’t believe this. The Grammy’s are going to be so fun. D’angelo better show up. I don’t think he’s going to win either. Damn. But at least The Academy recognized him.

I have to say a few negative things about the nominations. Um, Alabama Shakes for album of the year? UGH. I hate that album. Oh and D’angelo should have gotten nominated for Album of the Year. That goes without saying. Bummed that Carly Rae was completely snubbed.  Still so excited, though. AHHHHHHHH! Fun times.

The whole list of nominees can be found here.

I finally cancelled my paid gym membership. It was so easy. I didn’t even have to talk to anyone! I emailed. She offered me $10 off a month, but money isn’t the only reason I’m cancelling. I go to the free gym more so I’m sticking with that. Free vs. paid? Free wins this time.

I went to the free gym this past Saturday.  Two weeks in a row. woohoo. 😉 As I was walking in, a woman was leaving so I had the whole gym to myself again. I did two miles on the treadmill. No weightlifting or bike.

If only I would go to the gym after work. I don’t see that happening. I have my schedule set.  Work, nap, eat dinner, back to work, practicum, leisure time, bed. I have to get my nap in. Nap or workout? Nap wins almost every time.

See how exciting my life is? lol.

I got my wig today. I already wore it out of the house when I took my dog to the vet. I don’t think I did a great job cutting the lace, but it was fine for today…according to me. I LOVE IT! It was so expensive, I’m glad I do love it. I’m glad I paid extra for thickness because otherwise I know I would complain about it being too thin.

My only complaint is that the back is too short. Other than that, no complaints so far. No shedding. But I haven’t had it for 24 hours so…who knows?? It looks real as it should. What else can I say? I’m in love with it.

The interesting part will be taking care of it. I suck at hair. I’ve been trying to find info on taking care of it. But I guess I’m supposed to take care of it like normal human hair, but I’m not good at that! WAH. I need resources.

For now, I will calm down because it is like new. I’ll worry about issues as they arise.

Gotta go back to work for my “late shift”.

Don’t change a thing

I went to an urgent care center on Friday. Thank Budda for them! I would’ve gone to the ER otherwise. I rarely go to the doctor. I don’t believe in going to the doctor for a cold. (It might be different for kids). A cold is a cold. It will pass in time. There isn’t a cure for it.

Anyway, I’ve had a stuffy nose for over a month. Sometimes I can’t breathe. I’ve been taking Afrin for 3 weeks because that was the only thing that worked. That was part of the problem. I used too much Afrin according to the doctor. My nose (nasal passage) is now messed up. 😦

I didn’t know taking too much nasal spray was a thing. It is. Most people seem to take it WAY more than 3 weeks for it to cause a problem, though. Maybe my nose isn’t too messed up? Hopefully.

He gave me medicine. I am also taking Sudafed. I just hope I’m cured before I run out of the medicine the doctor gave me. I don’t think the Sudafed by itself is going to work, but I’ll try it. I don’t want to have to go back to the urgent care center.

After I got back from the center, I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. I took the prescribed  medicine and I still  couldn’t breathe. I’d already been to the urgent care center. Where else could I go? But I decided to try the saline mist spray (It’s drug-free so it’s safe) one more time and it worked! I was shocked because it didn’t work before.

Now I feel better. I’m still congested, but I can breathe.  I went to the free gym this morning. I desperately needed a workout.  No one was in the gym. I had the whole big gym to myself! It was just me and Ellie Goulding 🙂  I did weight lifting. I walked a mile on the treadmill and did one mile on the bike. I probably would’ve done more if I felt better.

Oh! I’m also pre-hypertensive. Boo. The doctor gave me a list of things to do/not do. I  already do everything on that list except one thing…exercise for 30 minutes a day. haha. When I used to work in the office, I would climb the stairs during breaks for exercise. Now I’m definitely more sedentary. I don’t want to have high blood pressure. My mom has it so I think it could be genetic. I’m not eating too much salt or doing any of the bad stuff.

Yeah, I could exercise more. I was planning to cancel my paid gym membership next week. I just hate the crowds. I can still use the free gym. I’m beginning to wish I had my own treadmill. Something to think about…

My 2 cheat days are over. I am never doing that again. It was too much. I probably gained a couple of pounds. Since I love sweets so much, I think I’m just going to have dessert on future cheat days. I don’t know. I still have to go to McDonalds one of these days. Now I’m back on the grind. Eating between 1200 and 1500 calories a day.

Despite having to go to the doctor and working almost during the whole holiday, I had a great “break”. There was less pressure. Less stress. Let’s see how Monday goes. lol.

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I’d never cared much how I looked, why should I start now? Besides, I had no energy to waste on my exterior, when so much of my focus was on the barely managed chaos inside my head.

Quote from Elyn Saks. That is how I’ve felt most of my life. Now I still won’t wear makeup, but I’m not so caught up in the chaos. It’s not as intense. I remember seeing myself one day. It was about 7 years ago. I looked like crap. So tired and just not there. I was so focused on getting through the day that I never even looked at myself in the mirror. (Yes, I wash my face, brush my teeth  etc. without looking at myself).

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Instead of updating my last entry, I’m just going to insert my planner layout for the week here:

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

plans of the week

I sucked at keeping up with plans this week. I mostly worked so nothing else got done. I have to be better next week.

Never gonna break my faith

Ahhh! I don’t know what to do (again). My monitor on my laptop is broken. My dog has knocked down my laptop 3 times and I knocked it down the most recent time. Uh-oh. The last time I backed up my hard drive on my external drive was April 12, 2012. (I have backed up various files in various places since then but no, not ALL my files are backed up). Update: I have found a way to attach an extra monitor so I can use that to access everything on my laptop. But this isn’t going to work long term. However, I will use it to back up all my files. After I move the files, then I will just get a new laptop?? I’ve had this HP Probook for 3 years. It is a little slow at times but everything but the screen works.

Hmmm. I would have to wait until I get my tax refund before I buy a new laptop. I don’t have the money now. I wouldn’t get anything expensive (cause I can’t). I’m looking at the Dell Inspirion laptop. I can get it for $499. Btw, I hate Windows 8.1 :/ I’m used to Windows 7 and I like it.

Or should I just see if I can get my laptop fixed? At this point, the cheapest thing is to use my work monitor to get to my laptop’s files. I’m so glad the hard drive isn’t broken! I really like my laptop. I don’t want to get a new one…especially one that isn’t as good as the ProBook. 😦

Sigh. I will be backing up my files all week.  It is mostly music. I have 8,000+ songs.

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I weigh 142 pounds….again. I’m not trying to maintain. I want to lose! See how I said “want to” lose? I’m not really trying. I’m pretty sure I’m going to cancel my paid gym membership. Every time I think that, I think of what I could be doing there. Water aerobics, yoga, spin etc. But I’m not doing those things right now. I can cancel in May. I’ll make a decision soon. I went to the free gym on Easter Sunday and guess what? I was the only person there. I used the weight machines for the first time in a long time and I walked a mile and a half on the treadmill. 35 minutes in the gym all by myself. Score! 😉

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I’m having dog issues. Or my dog has issues. Both of us have issues. I feel like he needs to be in therapy. Does he know how rare it is to have your human companion around 95% of the time? Hello? I’m almost always home. Most people leave to go to work (I work at home) OR they have like, lives.

He doesn’t get it. He is better when I do leave the house. I can’t hear him screaming/barking from my car. But it is still a pain to leave him. I think we spend too much time together. It is as simple as that. And I’m planning on taking him to the cabin next month? Does this make sense? I feel bad even thinking about leaving him for 3 nights.

How many people have this problem? I need to Bing (AKA google) “spend too much time with my dog/cat”. I just did and what I found wasn’t that comforting. lol.

To be continued…

unapologetic bitch

woohoo! People are viewing my planner YouTube video. I refuse to check stats (for now) but I know people are viewing it because they are clicking on my links like crazy. Awesome. I’m thrilled…even though the video is definitely not my best work.

It looks like I will be going to the Jehovah Witness meeting. Bummer. She didn’t ask me like I thought she would so I didn’t get to use the “I’m not a believer” line. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I could have said that to her face. If we were friends? Perhaps. I can be brutally honest.

It isn’t like I have plans at 7PM on a Friday night. Last Friday I had a movie night. Yesterday I worked on my practicum at 7. So I guess I can go….What do I wear? Since I don’t work in an office, I only have one dress unpacked and that is my interview dress. Well I have another dress but it is kind of racy. 😉 I love that dress. I wore it in Vegas a lot. I will probably end up buying a cheap but cute dress somewhere. The event takes place on April 3rd.

I just got back from the free gym. I walked 1.77 miles on the treadmill. Only 3 people were in the gym including me. Note to self: Saturday at 11:30AM is not a bad time to go to the gym. I weighed myself. I weigh 142.2 pounds. 😦 Actually, I was quite relieved.  I thought I might be on my way to 150! During February, I hibernated. I did not work out at all. My goal weight used to be 120lbs. ROFLMAO Really??? So not happening. Dream deferred. Now my goal weight is 130-135 pounds by June or July.

This Week I…

Music for the week:  Kelly Clarkson, Madonna, Brandi Carlile, Christina Aguilera, Sam Smith, Ariana Grande, Meghan Trainor, Ella Henderson

Song of the week: Bitch I’m Madonna

THIS IS THE BEST SONG EVER.  (slight exaggeration) Okay, I am not even a Madonna fanatic but this song is the shit. If you can’t groove to this song, oh dear. It’s perfect. This should be the next single but how do they get around the word “bitch” on the radio? It is kind of important to the song. Anyone could say anything to her and she can say: “bitch, I’m Madonna” and she wins. I love it. I love it. I love it.

TV for the week: House of Cards, basketball, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I finished House of Cards. I loved the finale. The rest of the season was average. I didn’t think I would like Kimmy Schmidt. I’m really picky when it comes to comedies. I hate most sitcoms. I like my comedies to be like Veep (so behind with this show), Parks N’ Rec, 30 Rock, Curb Your Enthusiasm (the best!) and Desperate Housewives. So far it is okay. I’m not in love with it.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: 

Etsy 101: Sell Your Crafts on Etsy, the DIY Marketplace for Handmade, Vintage and Crafting Supplies by Steve Weber (40% through)

I Don’t Want To, I Don’t Feel Like It: How Resistance Controls Your Life and What to Do About It by Cheri Huber (on page 50) – not my favorite book by her.

The Shopping Addiction: A Cure for Compulsive Shopping and Spending to Free Yourself from Addiction! by  Jeffrey Powell (12% through)

My goal in life is to own a house in the country. I can’t do that buying frivolous things. Well, my short term goal is to have an emergency fund. I want the country house to happen in 5 years. I used to be so frugal. Now I need to be and I’m not. ugh.

Speaking of books, Amazon has a deal where you can try Audible and get two free audiobooks. I got 3 free books with my deal. I don’t know why I picked a Stephen King book. Like I will listen to all of that! I’m behind on listening to my audio books. I no longer have Audible. I just signed up for the free trial. Too expensive for me since I don’t listen to the books.

Knitting Projects of the week:  I have lost my knitting mojo. When people would talk about that, I’d think “I doubt that ever happens to me”. ROFL. I just can’t be bothered right now. I will finish my scarf while watching March Madness. I only have about 30 minutes to go.

Walked:  The record for the week is today. I walked 8,209 steps. I don’t think I will ever reach 10,000 steps. If it doesn’t rain on Thursday, I’m taking my dog to the park. I’m off that day (March Madness, baby!) so there will be no rush. I will try to show him the whole park although I hear dogs are not allowed in the rose bush or something? I have been to that park several times and I have no idea what area they are talking about. I hope I don’t break any rules.

Planner update:

weekly layout

weekly layout

my fear became my shadow

On the 18th day or so, I have water!!!11!! Unbelievable. I’m so grateful. I thought a pipe might have burst but it doesn’t seem like it. YAY for water!

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I’m thinking about cancelling cable. No it isn’t all about cable news (see entry below). It is about money. I’m pretty sure I’m going to do it. The question is when? The NBA season ends in mid to late June. I would like to do it before then. I wish I hadn’t started watching the season this year. It will be hard to not watch the playoffs.

As far as TV goes, I will try to get some channels through an antenna and a converter box. No monthly fees. But I’m not sure I’ll be able to get anything. My house is facing a bunch of trees. (Does that even matter?) I’m not really worried about it. Recently I’ve been having my TV off while I’m working during the day and I’m not missing anything. Watching basketball at night is really my main concern. I gave up football, let me have my basketball! 😉

That money will most likely go to another bill. I wish it could go to savings. So…….as of right now, I’m thinking I’m going to cancel cable TV in June. But I sort of need the money NOW. Hmmm. Still thinking it through. I will still have internet through Verizon. I need internet to do my job so that can’t go anywhere.

Right now I’m just going to have my TV off most of the time just to get use to the idea of no television. I may try Hulu. I don’t know anything about it. I just know it exists and a lot of people use it. But that would be ANOTHER bill so ehh, may not happen. Oooooh I just checked out what they have to offer! They have the ID channel. I might have to check them out. 7.99 a month? I can do that after I cancel cable….maybe.

I’m also thinking about cancelling my gym membership but once again I’m not sure about that. It is $30 a month. I do have access to a free gym through work. But the free gym and the paid for gym offer different things. What I may do is just go to the paid gym more. Get my money’s worth.  Go to water aerobics even though the teacher is a hard ass. (I can’t swim so I can’t do all the stuff and she’s screaming at us. And the floor of the pool is slippery and I’m afraid of falling. etc. etc.) I wish the free gym had a pool but that is never going to happen.

Right now I only use the paid gym for spin class 2-3 times a month. It is too crowded to just go there for the treadmill. And I don’t like lifting weights in front of a bunch of people so that’s out. When it is warm (very soon!), my favorite activity is walking. I cannot wait to take my dog to the park. That should be fun. Lots of walking.

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kikki.k planner

kikki.k planner

I DID IT! I put my Plum Paper Planner in my Kikki.K planner. I’m in love. In fact I said “this is my new baby” while holding it and my dog gave me a nasty look. Sorry. It took forever. I did it the slow way. I kept stopping so I don’t know exactly how long it took. I did it over two days. It is so worth it. OMG. Love.

this week so far...

this week so far…

Don’t the gold rings look so much better than that spiral coil? Have I said how much I love, love, love my new planner set up?
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UPS update: UPS lost a package of mine. It was a pack of ink pens – Pilot FriXion Ball Erasable Gel Pens, 3-Pack,  I went to the UPS center to pick it up because they kept saying ‘out for delivery’ but I never got a package. It wasn’t there.  I filed a claim so I could get them to investigate. I thought they would give me what the pens are worth since they asked that when I filed the claim.

All I got was a phone call. No apology in the voice mail. “Contact Amazon” was basically all she said. Really? No shit. This is YOUR fault, not Amazon’s. I had already done that and Amazon graciously had already shipped my pens (they came yesterday). UPS could have at least admitted to losing the package. Anyway, all is well now. I partially blame Amazon because they are known for shipping small things in envelopes. 95% of the time that is okay but UPS kept taking the packages on and off the truck because they couldn’t deliver them that day (due to snow or whatever) and the packages were ruined in the process.

Thanks Amazon for sending me another set of pens. They didn’t have to do that but I knew they would.

I can’t pretend anymore

I have a problem. Anyone reading this is probably saying, “no shit”. Anyway, at night time all of my anxiety goes away…unless people (or noise) is around. That sounds like a good thing, right? But a little anxiety is good for you. I participated in small business Saturday without meaning to. WTF was I thinking? I “only” spent $34 but that money could go to a lot of things.

At night, I’m free. I’m not as anxious about money as I am during the day. KEEP ME AWAY from online stores at night. I usually don’t have that problem because I’m not usually surfing the net at night. But when I do…trouble! Sigh. What did I buy? Knitting stuff, of course. Knitting is getting me into all sorts of trouble. I’d rather knit than study. I’m spending waaaaay too much money on it and I’m not even buying the expensive yarn.

I need an intervention but no one is going to do one. LOL. So I must do it myself. I just spend money and then feel guilty. 😦 I will stop because I do hate debt and I like having a savings…but sometimes when I make extra money, things get a little nuts. This knitting obsession has to go away eventually. ?? I don’t know. I feel like I have accomplished something when I knit (or read, or study or DO anything). But knitting can cost money. However, it does not have to be expensive. AT ALL.

With all this being said, I will post pics of my new stuff on the blog. Cause it pertains to knitting and I’m excited about it. I love this stuff…help me!

In knitting news, I finished my chunky scarf (yay!) and I made progress on my afghan. Pics coming later this week.

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Spin class: I went back for the 3rd time. I’m finally getting the hang of it. Some of the instructor’s snarky comments are getting on my nerves though. Look woman, I’m new at this (and she knows this). You are an instructor. You are supposed to be excellent at it. BUT I’m trying this new thing of not giving a shit about what other people think or say. Step #1: Go to spin class. Do it wrong. Who cares? I’m still burning calories and sweating. That’s the point.  I’ve never even been on a real bike! Whatevs. Just keep spinning.

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Missing Ohio State football player found dead. He committed suicide. He also had a history of concussions. Please consider not supporting football until the NFL and NCAA do the right thing. (I don’t even know what the right thing is at this point. Perhaps football is just too violent).

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I meant to post the following in my last post but I could not find it. I was googling “Brian Williams”. His name is Benjamin Watson. Anyhow, this is almost exactly how I feel about Ferguson.

At some point while I was playing or preparing to play Monday Night Football, the news broke about the Ferguson Decision. After trying to figure out how I felt, I decided to write it down. Here are my thoughts:

I’M ANGRY because the stories of injustice that have been passed down for generations seem to be continuing before our very eyes.

I’M FRUSTRATED, because pop culture, music and movies glorify these types of police citizen altercations and promote an invincible attitude that continues to get young men killed in real life, away from safety movie sets and music studios.

I’M FEARFUL because in the back of my mind I know that although I’m a law abiding citizen I could still be looked upon as a “threat” to those who don’t know me. So I will continue to have to go the extra mile to earn the benefit of the doubt.

I’M EMBARRASSED because the looting, violent protests, and law breaking only confirm, and in the minds of many, validate, the stereotypes and thus the inferior treatment.

I’M SAD, because another young life was lost from his family, the racial divide has widened, a community is in shambles, accusations, insensitivity hurt and hatred are boiling over, and we may never know the truth about what happened that day.

I’M SYMPATHETIC, because I wasn’t there so I don’t know exactly what happened. Maybe Darren Wilson acted within his rights and duty as an officer of the law and killed Michael Brown in self defense like any of us would in the circumstance. Now he has to fear the backlash against himself and his loved ones when he was only doing his job. What a horrible thing to endure. OR maybe he provoked Michael and ignited the series of events that led to him eventually murdering the young man to prove a point.

I’M OFFENDED, because of the insulting comments I’ve seen that are not only insensitive but dismissive to the painful experiences of others.

I’M CONFUSED, because I don’t know why it’s so hard to obey a policeman. You will not win!!! And I don’t know why some policeman (sic) abuse their power. Power is a responsibility, not a weapon to brandish and lord over the populace.

I’M INTROSPECTIVE, because sometimes I want to take “our” side without looking at the facts in situations like these. Sometimes I feel like it’s us against them. Sometimes I’m just as prejudiced as people I point fingers at. And that’s not right. How can I look at white skin and make assumptions but not want assumptions made about me? That’s not right.

I’M HOPELESS, because I’ve lived long enough to expect things like this to continue to happen. I’m not surprised and at some point my little children are going to inherit the weight of being a minority and all that it entails.

I’M HOPEFUL, because I know that while we still have race issues in America, we enjoy a much different normal than those of our parents and grandparents. I see it in my personal relationships with teammates, friends and mentors. And it’s a beautiful thing.

I’M ENCOURAGED, because ultimately the problem is not a SKIN problem, it is a SIN problem. SIN is the reason we rebel against authority. SIN is the reason we abuse our authority. SIN is the reason we are racist, prejudiced and lie to cover for our own. SIN is the reason we riot, loot and burn. BUT I’M ENCOURAGED because God has provided a solution for sin through the his son Jesus and with it, a transformed heart and mind. One that’s capable of looking past the outward and seeing what’s truly important in every human being. The cure for the Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice and Eric Garner tragedies is not education or exposure. It’s the Gospel. So, finally, I’M ENCOURAGED because the Gospel gives mankind hope.

The only thing I don’t agree with is the whole last paragraph. I guess he is a Christian. But I thought I would post the whole thing. These are my last words on the issue. He said what I wanted to say much more eloquently.