reality hits

This is sort of a depressing entry…for me. I had a wake-up call last night. The last time I felt this way was when I went to Vegas and couldn’t fit into a pair of jeans I packed. I thought for sure I could still wear those jeans. I had no clue.

I have to lose 10 pounds. I know it isn’t all about the numbers, but that is one way to measure how I’m doing. I don’t know how much I weigh now. I will wait until later to get an exact weight. I know it is near 140. 😦

I’ve been calling into overeaters anonymous meetings. I can relate to those people so much. But I have to work the program…or do I? What other options are there? I’m on a waiting list for a binge/overeaters workbook from the library. I can’t wait to get it. OA members talk about writing, and I don’t know what to write. For now, I will just write like I do in my journal until I figure it out.

I’m not getting a sponsor and working the program. That is what I’m saying now. If I can’t lose these 10 pounds or GAIN weight, I might have a different take. I am going to attempt to work the program by myself, and I might speak up in a meeting. Not sure.

So this is an update on the overeating thing. Apparently, it is still an issue. I wish I could lose the weight quickly, but I didn’t gain it quickly. Blah, blah. I do feel like I gained it overnight, but I know that’s not true.

I’m going to come up with a better food plan within the next couple weeks. I’ve been trying to save money on food and eating cheap shit on occasion. I can’t continue to do that. Breakfast and small snacks are set. I need new ideas for lunch and dinner.

I’m a sugar addict. I try to limit my sugar intake. The only time I’m bad at it is when I’m overeating. Sugar starts binges for me. I try not to have anything that lists sugar as one of the main ingredients in my house.  I need to limit flour. That’s harder. I don’t know what to eat for lunch if I can’t have flour. I don’t eat a lot of bread because I know I shouldn’t have it. I stopped eating bread years ago, but then I started back up for ease.

I don’t cook, so that is also an issue. I’m going to think about all this over the next few weeks. I will never really cook, but I do have a crock pot. I can use that.  I’m just thinking out loud now, so I’m going to go.

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I’m eating ramen noodles

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES
dinner for the next week

My mom and I go grocery shopping together once a month. Like I said in my last entry, I have to reduce my grocery bill. I’ve decided I have to eat ramen noodles to lower my food bill. This is especially bad because I’m prehypertensive. Ramen noodles are bad for everyone, but they are cheap. So I bought five packs of Ramen noodles today. (and more may be coming).  My mom is concerned. ROFL. At least, someone cares! haha. She knows I’m struggling to pay my bills.

Anyhow, if things go right financially for her, she has offered to help me with my grocery bill. How nice! She will know within a week or two whether she can afford it. She offered because she doesn’t want me to eat Ramen noodles. I would never ask for it. Remember I ‘m miss independent.

I think my mom feels guilty because we used to eat Ramen noodles ALL THE TIME when we were growing up. That’s all we could afford.

The plan is to eat the Ramen noodles alone for dinner. I should probably add veggies like I always do with dinner, but that would defeat the purpose and add more to my grocery bill. Vegetables aren’t cheap. Well, cabbage kind of is, but I’m sick of eating that every single damn day. I’m taking a few days off from cabbage. Then I’ll go back because cabbage is cheaper than frozen broccoli. I LOVE broccoli. I bought one bag of it today even though I probably shouldn’t have. $$$

Eating Ramen noodles is only temporary. Eating Ramen noodles is only temporary.Eating Ramen noodles is only temporary.Eating Ramen noodles is only temporary. Well, I hope so. That’s the plan.

It is expensive to eat somewhat healthy. Junk is cheaper. The end.

going back to my old ways?

I can’t believe I did it. I wasn’t even hungry. A pizza order from my neighbor came to my house by mistake* and I got ideas. I was bored and it was Halloween. Lame and a damn shame. I just had a cheat day on October 9 and I’ve been so good, but I broke. I was determined to watch the whole Washington Wizards game and I knew one way to do that was to order some food.

*(I did direct him to the right house).

I will not have cheat days more than once a month. I will not eat when I’m “bored”. Fuck. I will go to the gym.

With all that being said, I am going to have a cheat day on Thanksgiving. 😉 I was going to have a cheat day that Thursday and Friday but that is now cancelled. Just one cheat day.

I had been eating less than 1,200 calories a day (minus cheat days once a month). Ugh. Woe is me. We all have slip ups. That is what I will tell myself to make myself feel better. Not a big deal. Won’t happen again. Whew. I would banish cheat days…so not happening. Not realistic.

The food was tasty, yo! Gotta say that.

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There are people out there who wish they could bitch and moan in their blogs, but they see what people say about people like me. ROFL. So they say nothing. They give a damn what other people think. I guess because they care what people think, they think I should too. I don’t know what to make of that. I don’t care what they say about me or my blog. I know what they say. I know what they think. Typical thoughts. Nothing special.

Just an observation. Also, they seem to forget (or not know or simply just don’t care) that I don’t have friends to vent to so this is my way of not keeping it all in. Keeping it in is toxic for me. It doesn’t matter if no one reads or one person reads. I just have to get it out.

I know one reason why they don’t need to vent online is because they vent to their friends. I get it. They do the exact same thing I do online to their friends yet they talk shit about me doing it. Does that make sense? I don’t get that. People have to consider circumstances before they judge. Oh! Right they don’t think before they judge. Silly me. People. sigh.

Was I just ranting? That’s not allowed! lol

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Speaking of keeping it in…I don’t even know where to begin. I have so much going on right now. For some reason, I’ve decided that I will start a bunch of stuff in November. Ahhh! Overwhelm. I’m committed to NaNoWriMo, watching as many Wizards game as possible, writing down every dollar I spend, doing a budget, sticking to a gym schedule, really focusing on my word for the year (focus) and more. It’s like what most people do for New Year’s except I decided to do it starting in November.

I know watching basketball games may seem like a frivolous thing to do, but it was a huge hobby and I don’t want to just let it get away. One sign of depression is not doing things you used to enjoy doing. I want to get back to my hobbies. I don’t want to be too tired to read or watch a basketball game.

Novel update: I have 242 words written so far after I scrapped everything. Awesome. (<–sarcasm)

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I can’t believe Tuesday is election day. Wahhhhh. I don’t wanna leave my house. I don’t care who is on the school board etc. I don’t have anything too important to vote for like some other people in the state. But I’m going to vote anyway. Fun times.

I finished reading Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More by Janet Mock. I’ll have more to say about this book on Friday. Hint: I agree with what bell hooks said.

Gotta cook cabbage and write.

Do you think that I want too much?

Real food!

chicken & broccoli
chicken & broccoli

It feels nice to eat real food again. No offense to Nutrisystem. That is a chicken breast with broccoli AKA dinner on Sunday. But I kind of fell of the wagon accidently (?)  on Monday. I didn’t know 12 oz of chicken was 700+ calories!! I still ate it though because I had already cooked it and amped myself up. Never again. From now on I will eat around 5 oz of chicken. I guess I’m going to be cutting and weighing my food. And I thought I brought the food scale for nothing.

According to my scale, I lost one pound this morning so it wasn’t a major disaster.

I feel bad about Monday but since I’m exercising A LOT this week, I’m still having my cheat day on Thursday. I have another food problem. I spent $175 on food for 3 weeks. That would be understandable if I had a spouse or kids or if I shopped at a high priced place. None of that is true. It’s just me and $175 is ridiculous. Sure, I could afford it once but every 3 weeks. HELL NO!

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do. I’m still following Nutrisystem. That plan calls for eating 6 meals/snacks a day. I’m used to it at this point. I’m determined to make it work. I just have to cut out some stuff. Be more conscious as Dr. Barbara De Angelis would say. I have no idea what to cut out. Oh yeah, some of the stuff was for my pets and toiletries but most of the money went to food.  ARGH!

I’m really excited about my mini break from work, but I’m also nervous about fall cleaning on Wednesday. Good news: My mom is going to help for about 2-3 hours. Thank Buddha. She is so good at cleaning. I suck. I’m nervous about not getting enough done, I guess.  I can’t throw everything away at once (not enough room in the trash can) and I want everything gone!  I found a Goodwill willing to take donations. I’m going there on Friday with probably at least 2 large trash bags. Mostly purses and clothes.

Speaking of purses…I was about to do it. I was going to buy a $300 Michael Kors handbag. But, but, but it would be timeless. I would take it everywhere. It would be worth every dime! I wouldn’t buy another purse for 10-15 years when I plan to buy my vintage Chanel purse* (retails for $5,500 new). I’m so glad I came back to my senses this morning. At night, I’m FREE. I’m too free. By morning, I’m anxious and I see clearly. $300 could go to my Asheville trip, my winter electric bill, savings, or home repairs. NO PURSE.

dream Chanel bag: Classic Jumbo
dream Chanel bag: Classic Jumbo

*I can’t help it. I’m a Taurus. We like the finer things in life. 😉

I took a Myers-Briggs test after not taking it for years. This time, I got ISFP. I have never gotten that before. 90% of the time, I’ve gotten INFP. Interesting. They call ISFPs adventurers. LOL. I’m 100% introverted. SHOCKING! Bob Dylan is an ISFP. But Barack Obama is an INFP (reportedly). So I dunno. 😉 It’s possible that I’ve changed over the years to ISFP.Or I’m on the edge of INFP and ISFP. I’m pragmatic, but I also dream…a lot.

ISFPs enjoy upsetting traditional expectations with experiments in beauty and behavior – chances are, they’ve expressed more than once the phrase “Don’t box me in!”

Word!

I still think I’m more INFP than ISFP. But I can relate to both. Don’t label me because you can’t. haha. I used to think that all the time when I was younger.

Off to enjoy my mostly stay in 5-day vacay.

Life after Nutrisystem

I lost 18-19 pounds on Nutrisystem. I started in mid-May weighing 142.  I weigh about 124 pounds. Success! 🙂 But it’s over and now I have to go back to regular food. I’m going to have cheat days once a month. On those days, I will most likely eat out or order in. My next cheat day is October 9 or 10. I’m ordering my favorite non-Italian food (meatball sub, cheese fries, and red velvet cake) from a local Italian restaurant. Can’t wait.

Anyway, here is my diet after NS. Each bullet is a different option.

Breakfast

  • 2 slices of turkey bacon, 1 boiled egg, fiber one brownie
  • 2 slices of french toast

Morning Snack

  • almonds
  • turkey sausages
  • tuna ranch 80 calories packet

Lunch 

  • bar with yogurt
  • tuna salad w/crackers
  • mini cheeseburger with yogurt

Afternoon snack

  • whole grain crackers (Kashi or Kellogg)
  • fruit (most likely a banana or pear)

Dinner

  • chicken with 2-4 servings of broccoli or cabbage

Dessert

That doesn’t seem like a weight loss diet to me. But it is low calorie. I think it is around 1,500 calories. Yeah, I could use some options for dinner, but I won’t be having the same kind of chicken every day. I may have fish on some days. Or turkey burgers. I haven’t looked up the calories of those things so I don’t know if they will fit. I love my new menu. Not a lot of cooking. 😉 Thanks to Nutrisystem for teaching me how and when to eat.

I should be studying for my certification test instead of ‘blogging’. Oh well, I’m the queen of procrastination. This was a quick post to type. I just copied the menu from my planner. Gotta go. Instead of studying, I think I’ll read. #Fail

I haven’t figured anything out

YOU DID IT!

Congrats (insert my name)! You Reached Your Goal!

You’ve lost 14 lbs in 80 days, we knew you could do it!

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woohoo! That message is from Nutrisystem.  I now weigh 129 which isn’t really my goal. My goal is 125. I know that will be tough to maintain in the winter…unless I go to the gym 2-3 times a week. Not happening. But I will  be eating healthier than I was before. I do expect to gain 2-4 lbs during the winter like I always do. Mowing the lawn is really a secret blessing. But don’t tell anyone I said that. shh!

Time to do another what I eat on Nutrisystem post. This is what I eat on MOST days. This menu will change drastically after I start on frozen foods at the end of next week. I won’t even bother updating this list again until I’m off Nutrisystem because the food will be so varied.

Breakfast: muffin with 1 large boiled egg

Snack: almonds OR 2 turkey sausages (same # of calories)

Lunch: bar with nonfat yogurt OR tuna salad with pita bread and nonfat yogurt OR a mini cheeseburger with nonfat yogurt

Snack: crackers or Fiber One brownie

Dinner: pizza with 2-4 servings of broccoli

Dessert: nachos or cookies or cake 🙂

The key is eating every 2-3 hours. And no, I don’t get tired of eating the same things on most days. Pre-NS, I used to eat the same dinner and breakfast every single day.

release the tension

This entry is all over the place. Just a warning.

I told judgemental Judy about the job situation. I knew she would judge me. Judy doesn’t even know what judging means. That might sound snarky…okay it is snarky. But it is also true. Anyway, possibly losing my job is far more important than what Judy thinks. So screw what Judy thinks. I’ve been checking my work emails and nothing so I don’t know what will happen. I’ll probably have to wait until I go back to work next week.

I took 3 large trash bags of brand new men’s clothes to the LGBT store. They didn’t even look inside. They will be pleasantly surprised to see a bunch of new clothes with tags. I didn’t go to the consignment shop today. I will probably go on Thursday while my dog is being groomed. IF I have time after I go to the gym. Grooming is supposed to take 3 hours but it doesn’t always take that long.

My mom and I are going to Red Lobster later this week just because. Well, she wanted to go out to eat since I’m off from work and the only place I can eat something I like and stay on Nutrisystem is Red Lobster so there ya go. I will have the oven broiled flounder with broccoli. I can’t believe it fits perfectly with the plan! I thought I would have to skip a meal or something but nope. yay. 🙂 I hate that I won’t be able to eat any bread though.

More randomness: I have to link to this article – 16 Things People With Social Anxiety Want You to Know and then there’s:  It’s the actual Worst. I know I’m biased, but it is truly THE WORST. It affects EVERYTHING. Can I get a break from this dreaded condition? Some might think dying is worse but nah, not to me. I know I’m not supposed to say this, but it is horrible. That is what I want people to know about SA. Anyone who doubts this should try living with it for one day.

Food talk: I have been looking for food to eat after Nutrisystem. OMG. Quest bars are so delicious, but they cost so much!! 2.79 for ONE bar?? I think I’m going to occasionally treat myself to one. Occasionally will probably be once a month. They are good for lunch and have better stats than NS lunch bars. I just wish they were more affordable. My fave (and the only kind I have tasted – lol) are the Quest cinnamon roll protein bars. So tasty. The price per bar is a little cheaper on Amazon, but I don’t really want to buy 12 at a time. There are cheaper alternatives, but they probably don’t taste as good or as filling.

I like bars for lunch. I add nonfat yogurt to it and I have a meal. I also brought some Zone bars but I haven’t tried them yet and their stats aren’t as good as the NS bars, but they will do. And they are much more affordable than the Quest bars. I’m also thinking about adding the Atkins bars for lunch but Walmart didn’t have the kind with the best stats so I didn’t buy any.

Yes, some of us must shop at Walmart. I go to Walmart first to see the price then I go to Kroger for the fun stuff. 😉  I buy 70% of my food from Walmart…when I’m being smart, but sometimes I don’t feel like driving all the way “out there” so I just go to my neighborhood Kroger for the other 30%. I spend way too much on food and need to cut back. I have no idea what I need to stop buying though. Eating healthy is expensive. Now I understand why I ate junk as a kid. It’s cheaper and more accessible.

Gotta go. Lunch time. I’ve been feeling dizzy/light headed all day. I thought I was going to faint at the laundromat. I had to sit down on the floor quickly. It happens from time to time. I have no idea why.