A second opinion

OB/GYN office: Do you want to get a second opinion from a surgeon?

HUH? What? Why are these people scaring me? I already think I have something because no one is this tired all the time. Could it be undiagnosed cancer? Once again stop scaring me! A surgeon??? WTF! Okay, I’ll stop with the excessive punctuation.

I believe America is too litigious but couldn’t I sue the radiologist for telling me TWICE that my cysts are benign? It was the same radiologist both times. Why is the radiologist so sure my cysts are benign? Shouldn’t she be the one concerned? I don’t know anything about this stuff.

And then my mom starts scaring me. Sigh. Once again: WTF? I had already told the OB/GYN I did not want a second opinion on Friday evening. My mom offered to pay for a second opinion after I already told the doctor no. She also tells me that my late grandmother has a sister currently living with breast cancer. I had forgotten she has cancer. Also, my aunt on my dad’s side had breast cancer. I don’t know if she died from it or not.

I just want to thank the doctor and my mom for freaking me out. But the truth is, I already think there is something physically wrong with me. I think it’s Lyme disease or cancer or something else (anemia?). I’ll just live with whatever. All I know for sure it that I consistently have low iron levels and I have many cysts in each breast. That’s it.

I haven’t blogged about this in a while. My dad is still in the United States. He is still living with my mom. He is a veteran. I think he is considered a disabled veteran. I know it is weird that I don’t know this. Anyway, he gets his benefits on the first of the month for being a vet. Well, he always wants to go to the store on the first. Uh, NOPE.

I don’t go to the store after work. Who does that? Not me. I’m usually exhausted. Well, I guess I am on this Friday (the second). I was over at my mom’s house today, and he asked me to take him to the store. Why can’t he just wait until Saturday (the third)? I go grocery shopping on weekend mornings when it isn’t too crowded.

Honestly, it isn’t that bad this time. I’ll just start work 30 minutes early (even though I’m not supposed to) and get off and we’ll go to the store. At least my weekend will be free. Yay!

I’m just going to prepare myself for him to ask me around the first of the month to take him grocery shopping. I really wish he would be considerate and wait until the weekend. But I can adjust. As long as he only wants to go once a month, I can deal. I can’t believe he is staying in the United States. So weird.

So I’ll just take him to the store on the first from now on. Begrudgingly. 😉

I have to get back to studying. Fun times.

I might be a bitch, but I’m free

If we choose to introduce our true selves to anyone, we will get hurt. But we will be hurt either way. There is pain in hiding and pain outside of hiding. The pain outside is better because nothing hurts as bad as not being known.

-Glennon Doyle Melton

I went to yoga on Saturday! I love the studio. I love the instructor. I love the town, but I hate how far it is. The class itself was above average. I’d give it a B. I didn’t like that only 3 other people were in the class.  (!!!) It was a class of 4. And I got a bad vibe from one of the people. The guy. I’m sure 50% of it was my fault, and 50% of it was his. I was the only newbie, and I almost died when the instructor said to welcome me. So embarrassing.

He was the only one that didn’t speak to me which didn’t bother me. BUT it did affect the vibe of the class. I felt awkward. That is very normal for me. Will I go back? Well, this is the place I used the Groupon for. I have 4 more free classes. Yes, I will go back. I don’t know when. It expires in July.

Overall it was a decent experience. It definitely made me want MORE yoga. I think I’m going to take my yoga mat outside and do yoga on my own and go to the studio.

So much has been going on this month and it just started. May is my favorite month of the year. I love the weather, and yes, some of it has to do with it being my birthday month. Of course. Let’s see. I ordered a new refrigerator Monday night and then found out it was an electrical problem, so I gladly canceled the order.  I spent forever trying to fix the electrical problem myself. Couldn’t do it, so I called an electrician. He was able to tell me what to do over the phone! Yes, it was FREE.

THANK YOU, UNIVERSE!! I am so grateful. Everything worked out. I’ve been relying on my spiritual practice so much.

My mammogram isn’t scheduled until May 25th. How ridiculous. If it were a regular mammogram AKA a screening mammogram, I could have had it done much sooner, but since the doctor found lumps, I need an appointment with the radiologist. Apparently, the radiologists are only there during the day. Don’t they understand some people have to work? I’m so beyond sick of taking time off to go to the doctor. I want to take time off for vacations or to mow the lawn (lol).

Am I the only one who works during the day? What’s going on? What if this is something serious? May 25th??! Okay, whatever. It’s probably nothing. It’s not their fault, I have a hard time getting time off during the warmer months. If this were February, I could have gotten a quicker appointment.  Another ridiculous thing is that I have to PAY for this visit since it isn’t a regular mammogram. Last time I paid about $45.  Does that even make sense? Whatever. I’m actually looking forward to when I can have regular screening mammograms so it can be free.

I have my lab work appointment on this Thursday. They’re testing for iron levels and B12 levels. I hope they can give me my results before I go on vacation. I was going to buy iron pills, but I don’t know if I have anemia or what. Shouldn’t there be something stronger than iron supplements for anemia? I’ve been so tired. On the weekends, I’ve been sleeping more than usual. I’ve already talked about being barely able to mow the lawn.

Gotta go. I’ll be back soon. 🙂

I see no beauty in the resistance

I just want my fucking period to END. Why can’t I have a very early menopause? Depo-Provera has fucked up my period, and I’m not happy. I know it is supposed to take a minimum of 6 months to end a period. It could take up to a year. I will probably have my period on my vacation next month, and that sucks.

I’ve had my period for 11 days. However, it wasn’t all bad. Only the past 3-4 days have been bad and just obnoxious. I can’t wait for this to be over.

To make all this worse, I was listening to a talk this morning and someone mentioned Viktor Frankl surviving the Holocaust and I still felt bad for myself. ugh.

People without a meaning in their life are exposed to aggression, depression, and addiction

-Viktor Frankl

I was going to do an entry on my spiritual practice and I probably will. But right now, I’m not feeling very spiritual. After what happened in the waiting room at my PCP’s office, I thought about giving up. But now that I’m back in the safety of my own home, I probably won’t give up.

I don’t feel like the Universe has my back right now.  I woke up feeling this way. And then I went to the doctor’s office, and everything exploded. I didn’t take Klonopin before I went and that was the problem. Klonopin relaxes me. I have to take it when I’m around people. Have to, or I will have experiences like I did today.

A woman was kicking her feet up. Full stop. I know this sounds crazy. It would be nice if someone could relate to how much this bothered me. Anyway, she knew it was driving me nuts. I tried to turn away from her (not the whole time). She kept kicking higher. The point is that why bother being “spiritual” if I can’t sit in a doctor’s office with other people?

What if I can’t enjoy Kripalu because other people are there? What if I can’t work at a different job because people are there? Doesn’t that make me screwed? How can I be spiritual with this going on? Spirit works through people. I have no people. I can’t be the lighthouse for others. What others? I can try to blog about it, and the people who need to read what I have to say will find my blog. That’s one way I can be a tiny lighthouse.

I felt defeated as I waited for the doctor to come see me. I feel better now. But I’m still questioning everything about the Universe and spirituality.

My blood pressure is somewhat fine. It was 120 over 78. Unbelievable. How did that happen? It could be situational. Or it could be the green juice and exercise. I don’t know. I don’t understand why my blood pressure is sometimes high and sometimes fine. I went to the GYN almost 3 months ago. My blood pressure was 130 over something. That’s prehypertensive. It could be due to me being terrified at the OB/GYN. But I don’t think so.

I was shocked when the nurse told me my BP. Shocked and relieved.  I had bloodwork done, and I’m waiting for results.

Instead of an entry detailing my newish spiritual practice, I leave this instead because this is where I am with the Universe and everything.

Don’t change a thing

I went to an urgent care center on Friday. Thank Budda for them! I would’ve gone to the ER otherwise. I rarely go to the doctor. I don’t believe in going to the doctor for a cold. (It might be different for kids). A cold is a cold. It will pass in time. There isn’t a cure for it.

Anyway, I’ve had a stuffy nose for over a month. Sometimes I can’t breathe. I’ve been taking Afrin for 3 weeks because that was the only thing that worked. That was part of the problem. I used too much Afrin according to the doctor. My nose (nasal passage) is now messed up. 😦

I didn’t know taking too much nasal spray was a thing. It is. Most people seem to take it WAY more than 3 weeks for it to cause a problem, though. Maybe my nose isn’t too messed up? Hopefully.

He gave me medicine. I am also taking Sudafed. I just hope I’m cured before I run out of the medicine the doctor gave me. I don’t think the Sudafed by itself is going to work, but I’ll try it. I don’t want to have to go back to the urgent care center.

After I got back from the center, I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. I took the prescribed  medicine and I still  couldn’t breathe. I’d already been to the urgent care center. Where else could I go? But I decided to try the saline mist spray (It’s drug-free so it’s safe) one more time and it worked! I was shocked because it didn’t work before.

Now I feel better. I’m still congested, but I can breathe.  I went to the free gym this morning. I desperately needed a workout.  No one was in the gym. I had the whole big gym to myself! It was just me and Ellie Goulding 🙂  I did weight lifting. I walked a mile on the treadmill and did one mile on the bike. I probably would’ve done more if I felt better.

Oh! I’m also pre-hypertensive. Boo. The doctor gave me a list of things to do/not do. I  already do everything on that list except one thing…exercise for 30 minutes a day. haha. When I used to work in the office, I would climb the stairs during breaks for exercise. Now I’m definitely more sedentary. I don’t want to have high blood pressure. My mom has it so I think it could be genetic. I’m not eating too much salt or doing any of the bad stuff.

Yeah, I could exercise more. I was planning to cancel my paid gym membership next week. I just hate the crowds. I can still use the free gym. I’m beginning to wish I had my own treadmill. Something to think about…

My 2 cheat days are over. I am never doing that again. It was too much. I probably gained a couple of pounds. Since I love sweets so much, I think I’m just going to have dessert on future cheat days. I don’t know. I still have to go to McDonalds one of these days. Now I’m back on the grind. Eating between 1200 and 1500 calories a day.

Despite having to go to the doctor and working almost during the whole holiday, I had a great “break”. There was less pressure. Less stress. Let’s see how Monday goes. lol.

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I’d never cared much how I looked, why should I start now? Besides, I had no energy to waste on my exterior, when so much of my focus was on the barely managed chaos inside my head.

Quote from Elyn Saks. That is how I’ve felt most of my life. Now I still won’t wear makeup, but I’m not so caught up in the chaos. It’s not as intense. I remember seeing myself one day. It was about 7 years ago. I looked like crap. So tired and just not there. I was so focused on getting through the day that I never even looked at myself in the mirror. (Yes, I wash my face, brush my teeth  etc. without looking at myself).

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Instead of updating my last entry, I’m just going to insert my planner layout for the week here:

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

plans of the week

I sucked at keeping up with plans this week. I mostly worked so nothing else got done. I have to be better next week.

HOLLA!!!!!!!!!11!!!

I had a mammogram today. It didn’t hurt AT ALL. Would I do it without taking Motrin beforehand? Nah, I don’t want to take that chance. I had about 4 x-rays of each breast. I lost count. I went under the machine at least 8 times. The radiologist wanted more x-rays after seeing the first set.  No pain. And I have tiny breasts.

The ultrasound hurt more than the mammogram. Ugh, why do my breasts hurt so much??! Well………………..

At least it is NOT cancer. It is benign! Say what, bitches? BENIGN.

Thank Buddha. Sometimes I want to die, but not by cancer.

I’m relieved. I do not have to get another mammogram for five years. 🙂 Party over here. Yep, I danced when I got home.

Apparently I have a few benign breast calcifications and a few cysts.

I’m going to take a nap. I just wanted to post my results in the most obnoxious way possible. 😉

There’s a little black hole in my golden cup

OMFG!

I could kill the PCP I saw 5 years ago. I’m not sexually active. So why am I getting painful pap smears? THAT’S BULLSHIT. I may never get another one. Why should I? Chances of me getting cervical cancer are extremely low. Yes, it can happen but I’ll take that chance. OMG. I can’t believe I subjected myself to that last week when I didn’t have to…Okay, I’m slightly thankful because she found the lumps in my breasts*.

*I don’t do my own breast exams because I’m scared and I’m a slight hypochondriac. I would feel something there even if it weren’t there. So it isn’t best for me to examine myself.  I thought I had HIV for years when I was a kid.

That PCP could’ve told me that I didn’t have to get regular pap tests. That is why I changed PCPs, btw. I was going in for a regular checkup and she ended up doing the most painful pap test. It was not good.

Anyway…no more OB/GYN visits for me. I will get mammograms…if I must. sigh. I doubt I do them annually, but I will probably go. But no more pap smears. Nah. Don’t need them. Celebrate good times! Who knew there were upsides to being a virgin? That is the BEST thing about it. Score one point for me. Ugh, I can’t believe no one told me this fantastic news.

I guess I should add that a pap smear isn’t painful to non-virgins. It is apparently just ‘uncomfortable’. So carry on.

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I scheduled the ultrasound and mammogram for Monday. She would have laughed at me if I suggested October 7th. She didn’t want to give me a date 2 weeks out. Due to the breast pain, I do feel I have cancer. But I won’t know until next week. My main concerns involve chemo. Can I drive myself? My mom doesn’t drive. I don’t have friends. How would I get there? Could I still live alone? (I wouldn’t be able to afford it with a pay cut of any kind).

I know this is nuts, but I want to learn about all the alternatives to chemo. Can I do natural treatments with the chemo? I’m 5 minutes away from loading up my Amazon wishlist with books about cancer. Like I said, all of this would be moot if the cancer is incurable. I’m just assuming it is. If it isn’t. I travel. I have fun until I die.

I’m already obsessed and I haven’t even been diagnosed with anything! AHHHHH!

I’m not telling anyone I think it’s cancer. What’s the point? They don’t know about the pain. The pain is right where the masses are. One reason not to tell people after a diagnosis is because they will have an opinion on treatment. What if I don’t want treatment? I will definitely think long and hard about it.

If it sounds like I’m being blase about it, I’m not. My uncle died from colon cancer. He went through chemo. I saw him weeks before he died. I get it.

Gotta go. Today is gonna be a loooong day.

I closed my eyes and slept for years

follow up to my ob/GYN visit post.

Now my breasts hurt. I guess it is because of the way the doctor handled them. Or was the pain always there? My breasts have definitely hurt in the past, but I think that may be normal. I have no idea. I was going to get my mammogram on October 7th, but I just looked at the note again and she said to get a mammogram AND an ultrasound. Great. Now I feel the pressure to do it sooner. I think they are open on Sundays so I’m going for September 13th. I may change my mind. I kind of want to know plus I want to make sure I have health insurance. Since this isn’t a typical preventative screening, it will probably cost me something.

If I have something incurable, I would go to Puerto Vallarta first. Then maybe Greece? I haven’t wanted to go to France until reading more about it. Now that’s on my list. All the possibilities. Would I tell my parents? Not sure. I feel like I would have to, but I wouldn’t want to because I want to travel the world. I won’t be sad. It would be happy times UNLESS I have to undergo some type of radiation/chemo. That changes EVERYTHING. No travel for me. :/ No fun times. That’s serious stuff.

I really feel like I have something bad. I’m rethinking everything. That is one reason why I want to move the date up. I want to know so I can know how to proceed. What’s the point of doing (blank) if I’m not going to be here in a year? I would only do fun stuff. On the other hand, all my other labs come back relatively normal. Is that a sign that there is nothing physically wrong with me?

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Receptionist: You work at [insert company name]?

Me: Yes

R: We get a lot of people from there. I heard it is a hard place to work.

Me: Yes, it is.

The pressure is horrible and it is only getting worse. And my department happens to be known as the worst (because it is the hardest).  I really can’t expand on this without revealing what industry I work in so I’ll just leave at that.

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OB/GYN: So you’re not sexually active?

Me: No

OB/GYN: Have you ever been sexually active?

Me: No

OB/GYN: So there is no need to talk about birth control?

Me: No

She was very professional about it, unlike others. “You haven’t had sex with women either??!” Yep, I got that once.

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PLEASE STOP WATCHING FOOTBALL. I used to LOVE football, but I gave it up about 2 years ago due to the injuries. A high school player just died in Louisiana. Please boycott. It isn’t safe. We shouldn’t be watching REAL violence for entertainment purposes. It is deadly. (suicide, early deaths etc.) If enough people stop watching, it will go away. At least people are more aware now. They aren’t letting their kids play football, BUT they are still watching. Sigh. If I can stop watching, anyone can. Football was my life. I arranged all my plans around the football schedule. It pains me to not watch college football this year. Pains me. But I know I’m doing the right thing. I would love nothing more than to watch football right now. (Well, actually I’m watching the U.S. Open right now and that has been very entertaining).

How many people must die for people to get it?

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Why do people care what other people do with their life if it isn’t personally hurting them? It’s like the gay marriage thing. If you don’t like it, don’t get married to someone of your own sex. How is that hurting someone else? I can do whatever with my life since I have no dependents. It rarely affects someone else. So why do they care? I could sleep all day and not hurt anyone (except myself if I don’t work). Well, I do have pets so…but youknowwhatImean. No kids. I don’t have the responsibility of raising a good human being. THANK BUDDHA.

I can do whatever I want with MY life. I think I’ll wait to die some more….because I can. 🙂 Serious side note: I’m not really just sitting waiting to die, but some people think that. That is why I say “different definitions of living”. Because people are different (breaking news to some).