Don’t sell me no pipe dream

WTF? I felt like I went to the doctor for a cold and you know I don’t do that. I felt stupid, lame, and shocked after leaving the surgeon’s office. Both visits (to the shrink and the orthopedic surgeon) were a waste of time. The shrink visit was a waste due to my fault. More on that later. I’m more upset about the surgeon because it cost more and I was expecting an x-ray or something.

I do have carpal tunnel syndrome. No shit. All the doctor recommended I do is keep wearing the braces I bought from Amazon (!!) and sleep with my arms straight down.* Um, thanks. I waited over an hour for that. I didn’t mind the wait. I got a lot of reading done. Anyway, he did offer me a cortisone shot, but I said no because it isn’t affecting my sleep much. If at all.

*Sleeping with my arms straight down does help, but it is hard to do. Who can do that all night? Plus it is uncomfortable.

He also told me to come back if it got worse, so that is what I will do. I hope the braces help. So far they have been helping, but that isn’t a cure. He didn’t seem as concerned about the pain as the tingling. So I guess the tingling is a bigger deal. Well, I have a lot of that.

Um. Whatever? Next.

The shrink was a waste of time because I didn’t mention I wanted to get off Abilify because of the impulsive behavior. I just mentioned the cost. My fault. So I’m still on Abilify for now. According to my doctor, there is no generic Abilify substitute except for Wellbutrin and Effexor and I can’t take either one of those. I have enough Abilify to last until 2018. Blah.

GOOD NEWS: I finally got my Keurig coffee maker!!!111!!  I followed it on the internet from California on a FedEx truck. Isn’t it absurd that my coffee maker had to be driven 3,000 miles on a truck to get to me?  Maybe it’s just me.  Why don’t they have a distribution center in the middle of America? Most companies I deal with ship 2-day priority mail or they have something near the east coast.

Oh, what about the coffee maker? I’ve only used it once. I used a Starbucks pod (medium roast) for my first cup of coffee this morning. In the future, if I do buy pods, I will buy a type of dark roast. I drink my coffee black 95% of the time. Back to the coffee maker – I don’t like that it doesn’t keep the coffee in the mug warm after it brews. My $40 coffee maker kept it warm. It also doesn’t have a clock so I can program it to brew, but I rarely used that on my old coffee maker.

I’ve only had it for a day so I don’t really have a strong opinion on it yet. I just hope it was worth the money.

Depo-Provera update: No bleeding 9 days in a row! This is a miracle. Please let my period be over forever.

This week I…

Music of the week: Nelly Furtado, Shawn Mendes, Natalie Merchant, Demi Lovato, Joan Osborne, Kelly Clarkson, Miranda Lambert, Sam Smith

TV of the week: Big Brother, The Real Housewives of Orange County

They are doing a celebrity version of Big Brother this winter! I am going to watch it, but it worries me. Usually, when a reality show starts featuring celebrities, the “regular” show goes away. I don’t want my summer full of BB and normal people to go away.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished reading Dead Man Walking: The Eyewitness Account Of The Death Penalty That Sparked a National Debate by Helen Prejean. 5 stars. I can’t believe the death penalty is still legal in THIRTY TWO states. Isn’t that fucked up? The death penalty disgusts me. The book is so glum. Great writing though.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Cleaning, working a little, school work and grocery shopping.  I made an 84 on test #2. Not my best work. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I’m taking test #3 on Sunday morning. I’m not sure how much I’ll be working this weekend.

There’s going to be a pro-confederate rally 10 minutes from my house this weekend. Other than that, nothing is going on. Seriously I hope no one is hurt and I already feel bad for all the people living in that neighborhood. I would be worried about vandalism, noise and leaving my house.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful weekend! 🙂

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Can you imagine?

Groan. I might have to see my PCP again. 😦 Well, I know I do. I’ve been having carpal tunnel syndrome symptoms for about 2 months. It has probably been longer than that. My right hand is tingling right now and I feel pain in my left hand. This sucks. Sigh. At least I have health insurance and all that.

It is especially bad in the morning. I can barely use my right hand in the mornings, but now it is slightly bothering me all day.

See your doctor if you have persistent signs and symptoms suggestive of carpal tunnel syndrome that interfere with your normal activities and sleep patterns. Permanent nerve and muscle damage can occur without treatment.

I’m off the week of October 9th. I’m going to get my 4th Depo injection that week, and I guess I’m going to see my PCP that week too. I hope it doesn’t get too much worse by then. So I guess I know what I’m doing on my vacation. Doctor appointments. I don’t have anything else planned. I just wanted to stay home. Well, I’m always home, so I guess getting out isn’t too bad.

But going to my PCP means having to go see someone else. It’s not like she can fix it or even diagnose it by herself. Blah. I might see if I can see the doctor I really need to see since I no longer need a referral to see a specialist. I just don’t know who that would be. There aren’t any carpal tunnel syndrome specialists.

It is also affecting my solo dance parties, so this must be remedied. I might have to go see a doctor before mid-October. This isn’t a good situation. Plus now I’m working two jobs behind the computer all day. ALL DAY.  I might take half a day or two hours off work to see my PCP in September.  And then when she transfers me to a specialist, I can go in October. Sigh. Whatever it takes.

I’m not a person who runs to the doctor every time something goes wrong. I never go for a cold or something like that. And now I feel dumb because I just went to see my PCP in August to check my iron and now I have to go back???! I feel so lame.

I’m so late. I finally ordered a Keurig coffee maker! I can’t wait to get it. I have water issues in the house. Long story, but this coffee maker will make me not have to worry about getting my coffee in the morning. I only drink one cup a day. On most days it’s not even a full cup. I probably average about 4oz a day. I would drink more coffee if it didn’t upset my stomach. ha.

Anyhow, it was a special deal. I get the coffee maker, 54 coffee pods, a cleaning kit and a reusable filter so I don’t have to always buy the semi-expensive pods. I can just use regular coffee. Yay! I’ve wanted a new coffee maker for a while and then I saw this special and I couldn’t resist it.

Every time I pass my coffee pot, I want my Keurig to arrive. I should have said fuck the deal and went to a store. That’s how bad I want it since I have water issues. But I ordered it as soon as I saw the deal and there’s nothing I can do now but wait.

So I typed all this out, and now my hands are definitely feeling it. Nah, I can’t wait until October to see a doctor..unless it will be really hard to get time off this month.  I’ll see tomorrow when I go back to work.

I did a lot of work yesterday at my PT job. Today I’m waiting for feedback so I might not have to work much or at all. I took my first test of my course and made a 95. I’m going to study chapter 2 for a while and then go mow the lawn. Today will be a busy day because I worked all day yesterday and didn’t get anything else done.

Gotta go.

A second opinion

OB/GYN office: Do you want to get a second opinion from a surgeon?

HUH? What? Why are these people scaring me? I already think I have something because no one is this tired all the time. Could it be undiagnosed cancer? Once again stop scaring me! A surgeon??? WTF! Okay, I’ll stop with the excessive punctuation.

I believe America is too litigious but couldn’t I sue the radiologist for telling me TWICE that my cysts are benign? It was the same radiologist both times. Why is the radiologist so sure my cysts are benign? Shouldn’t she be the one concerned? I don’t know anything about this stuff.

And then my mom starts scaring me. Sigh. Once again: WTF? I had already told the OB/GYN I did not want a second opinion on Friday evening. My mom offered to pay for a second opinion after I already told the doctor no. She also tells me that my late grandmother has a sister currently living with breast cancer. I had forgotten she has cancer. Also, my aunt on my dad’s side had breast cancer. I don’t know if she died from it or not.

I just want to thank the doctor and my mom for freaking me out. But the truth is, I already think there is something physically wrong with me. I think it’s Lyme disease or cancer or something else (anemia?). I’ll just live with whatever. All I know for sure it that I consistently have low iron levels and I have many cysts in each breast. That’s it.

I haven’t blogged about this in a while. My dad is still in the United States. He is still living with my mom. He is a veteran. I think he is considered a disabled veteran. I know it is weird that I don’t know this. Anyway, he gets his benefits on the first of the month for being a vet. Well, he always wants to go to the store on the first. Uh, NOPE.

I don’t go to the store after work. Who does that? Not me. I’m usually exhausted. Well, I guess I am on this Friday (the second). I was over at my mom’s house today, and he asked me to take him to the store. Why can’t he just wait until Saturday (the third)? I go grocery shopping on weekend mornings when it isn’t too crowded.

Honestly, it isn’t that bad this time. I’ll just start work 30 minutes early (even though I’m not supposed to) and get off and we’ll go to the store. At least my weekend will be free. Yay!

I’m just going to prepare myself for him to ask me around the first of the month to take him grocery shopping. I really wish he would be considerate and wait until the weekend. But I can adjust. As long as he only wants to go once a month, I can deal. I can’t believe he is staying in the United States. So weird.

So I’ll just take him to the store on the first from now on. Begrudgingly. 😉

I have to get back to studying. Fun times.

I might be a bitch, but I’m free

If we choose to introduce our true selves to anyone, we will get hurt. But we will be hurt either way. There is pain in hiding and pain outside of hiding. The pain outside is better because nothing hurts as bad as not being known.

-Glennon Doyle Melton

I went to yoga on Saturday! I love the studio. I love the instructor. I love the town, but I hate how far it is. The class itself was above average. I’d give it a B. I didn’t like that only 3 other people were in the class.  (!!!) It was a class of 4. And I got a bad vibe from one of the people. The guy. I’m sure 50% of it was my fault, and 50% of it was his. I was the only newbie, and I almost died when the instructor said to welcome me. So embarrassing.

He was the only one that didn’t speak to me which didn’t bother me. BUT it did affect the vibe of the class. I felt awkward. That is very normal for me. Will I go back? Well, this is the place I used the Groupon for. I have 4 more free classes. Yes, I will go back. I don’t know when. It expires in July.

Overall it was a decent experience. It definitely made me want MORE yoga. I think I’m going to take my yoga mat outside and do yoga on my own and go to the studio.

So much has been going on this month and it just started. May is my favorite month of the year. I love the weather, and yes, some of it has to do with it being my birthday month. Of course. Let’s see. I ordered a new refrigerator Monday night and then found out it was an electrical problem, so I gladly canceled the order.  I spent forever trying to fix the electrical problem myself. Couldn’t do it, so I called an electrician. He was able to tell me what to do over the phone! Yes, it was FREE.

THANK YOU, UNIVERSE!! I am so grateful. Everything worked out. I’ve been relying on my spiritual practice so much.

My mammogram isn’t scheduled until May 25th. How ridiculous. If it were a regular mammogram AKA a screening mammogram, I could have had it done much sooner, but since the doctor found lumps, I need an appointment with the radiologist. Apparently, the radiologists are only there during the day. Don’t they understand some people have to work? I’m so beyond sick of taking time off to go to the doctor. I want to take time off for vacations or to mow the lawn (lol).

Am I the only one who works during the day? What’s going on? What if this is something serious? May 25th??! Okay, whatever. It’s probably nothing. It’s not their fault, I have a hard time getting time off during the warmer months. If this were February, I could have gotten a quicker appointment.  Another ridiculous thing is that I have to PAY for this visit since it isn’t a regular mammogram. Last time I paid about $45.  Does that even make sense? Whatever. I’m actually looking forward to when I can have regular screening mammograms so it can be free.

I have my lab work appointment on this Thursday. They’re testing for iron levels and B12 levels. I hope they can give me my results before I go on vacation. I was going to buy iron pills, but I don’t know if I have anemia or what. Shouldn’t there be something stronger than iron supplements for anemia? I’ve been so tired. On the weekends, I’ve been sleeping more than usual. I’ve already talked about being barely able to mow the lawn.

Gotta go. I’ll be back soon. 🙂

I see no beauty in the resistance

I just want my fucking period to END. Why can’t I have a very early menopause? Depo-Provera has fucked up my period, and I’m not happy. I know it is supposed to take a minimum of 6 months to end a period. It could take up to a year. I will probably have my period on my vacation next month, and that sucks.

I’ve had my period for 11 days. However, it wasn’t all bad. Only the past 3-4 days have been bad and just obnoxious. I can’t wait for this to be over.

To make all this worse, I was listening to a talk this morning and someone mentioned Viktor Frankl surviving the Holocaust and I still felt bad for myself. ugh.

People without a meaning in their life are exposed to aggression, depression, and addiction

-Viktor Frankl

I was going to do an entry on my spiritual practice and I probably will. But right now, I’m not feeling very spiritual. After what happened in the waiting room at my PCP’s office, I thought about giving up. But now that I’m back in the safety of my own home, I probably won’t give up.

I don’t feel like the Universe has my back right now.  I woke up feeling this way. And then I went to the doctor’s office, and everything exploded. I didn’t take Klonopin before I went and that was the problem. Klonopin relaxes me. I have to take it when I’m around people. Have to, or I will have experiences like I did today.

A woman was kicking her feet up. Full stop. I know this sounds crazy. It would be nice if someone could relate to how much this bothered me. Anyway, she knew it was driving me nuts. I tried to turn away from her (not the whole time). She kept kicking higher. The point is that why bother being “spiritual” if I can’t sit in a doctor’s office with other people?

What if I can’t enjoy Kripalu because other people are there? What if I can’t work at a different job because people are there? Doesn’t that make me screwed? How can I be spiritual with this going on? Spirit works through people. I have no people. I can’t be the lighthouse for others. What others? I can try to blog about it, and the people who need to read what I have to say will find my blog. That’s one way I can be a tiny lighthouse.

I felt defeated as I waited for the doctor to come see me. I feel better now. But I’m still questioning everything about the Universe and spirituality.

My blood pressure is somewhat fine. It was 120 over 78. Unbelievable. How did that happen? It could be situational. Or it could be the green juice and exercise. I don’t know. I don’t understand why my blood pressure is sometimes high and sometimes fine. I went to the GYN almost 3 months ago. My blood pressure was 130 over something. That’s prehypertensive. It could be due to me being terrified at the OB/GYN. But I don’t think so.

I was shocked when the nurse told me my BP. Shocked and relieved.  I had bloodwork done, and I’m waiting for results.

Instead of an entry detailing my newish spiritual practice, I leave this instead because this is where I am with the Universe and everything.

Don’t change a thing

I went to an urgent care center on Friday. Thank Budda for them! I would’ve gone to the ER otherwise. I rarely go to the doctor. I don’t believe in going to the doctor for a cold. (It might be different for kids). A cold is a cold. It will pass in time. There isn’t a cure for it.

Anyway, I’ve had a stuffy nose for over a month. Sometimes I can’t breathe. I’ve been taking Afrin for 3 weeks because that was the only thing that worked. That was part of the problem. I used too much Afrin according to the doctor. My nose (nasal passage) is now messed up. 😦

I didn’t know taking too much nasal spray was a thing. It is. Most people seem to take it WAY more than 3 weeks for it to cause a problem, though. Maybe my nose isn’t too messed up? Hopefully.

He gave me medicine. I am also taking Sudafed. I just hope I’m cured before I run out of the medicine the doctor gave me. I don’t think the Sudafed by itself is going to work, but I’ll try it. I don’t want to have to go back to the urgent care center.

After I got back from the center, I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. I took the prescribed  medicine and I still  couldn’t breathe. I’d already been to the urgent care center. Where else could I go? But I decided to try the saline mist spray (It’s drug-free so it’s safe) one more time and it worked! I was shocked because it didn’t work before.

Now I feel better. I’m still congested, but I can breathe.  I went to the free gym this morning. I desperately needed a workout.  No one was in the gym. I had the whole big gym to myself! It was just me and Ellie Goulding 🙂  I did weight lifting. I walked a mile on the treadmill and did one mile on the bike. I probably would’ve done more if I felt better.

Oh! I’m also pre-hypertensive. Boo. The doctor gave me a list of things to do/not do. I  already do everything on that list except one thing…exercise for 30 minutes a day. haha. When I used to work in the office, I would climb the stairs during breaks for exercise. Now I’m definitely more sedentary. I don’t want to have high blood pressure. My mom has it so I think it could be genetic. I’m not eating too much salt or doing any of the bad stuff.

Yeah, I could exercise more. I was planning to cancel my paid gym membership next week. I just hate the crowds. I can still use the free gym. I’m beginning to wish I had my own treadmill. Something to think about…

My 2 cheat days are over. I am never doing that again. It was too much. I probably gained a couple of pounds. Since I love sweets so much, I think I’m just going to have dessert on future cheat days. I don’t know. I still have to go to McDonalds one of these days. Now I’m back on the grind. Eating between 1200 and 1500 calories a day.

Despite having to go to the doctor and working almost during the whole holiday, I had a great “break”. There was less pressure. Less stress. Let’s see how Monday goes. lol.

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I’d never cared much how I looked, why should I start now? Besides, I had no energy to waste on my exterior, when so much of my focus was on the barely managed chaos inside my head.

Quote from Elyn Saks. That is how I’ve felt most of my life. Now I still won’t wear makeup, but I’m not so caught up in the chaos. It’s not as intense. I remember seeing myself one day. It was about 7 years ago. I looked like crap. So tired and just not there. I was so focused on getting through the day that I never even looked at myself in the mirror. (Yes, I wash my face, brush my teeth  etc. without looking at myself).

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Instead of updating my last entry, I’m just going to insert my planner layout for the week here:

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES
plans of the week

I sucked at keeping up with plans this week. I mostly worked so nothing else got done. I have to be better next week.

HOLLA!!!!!!!!!11!!!

I had a mammogram today. It didn’t hurt AT ALL. Would I do it without taking Motrin beforehand? Nah, I don’t want to take that chance. I had about 4 x-rays of each breast. I lost count. I went under the machine at least 8 times. The radiologist wanted more x-rays after seeing the first set.  No pain. And I have tiny breasts.

The ultrasound hurt more than the mammogram. Ugh, why do my breasts hurt so much??! Well………………..

At least it is NOT cancer. It is benign! Say what, bitches? BENIGN.

Thank Buddha. Sometimes I want to die, but not by cancer.

I’m relieved. I do not have to get another mammogram for five years. 🙂 Party over here. Yep, I danced when I got home.

Apparently I have a few benign breast calcifications and a few cysts.

I’m going to take a nap. I just wanted to post my results in the most obnoxious way possible. 😉