I’m still a dreamer

This entry is going to be about my mom, and I haven’t typed much, and I already feel bad. This is going to be a judgemental entry. I’m judging her behavior. I’m just acknowledging my judgment. I know she’s my spiritual assignment and blah, blah. I was going to come here with my guns blazing and say she’s this and that. But I’ve since done my spiritual work (mainly A Course in Miracles), and I don’t even want to do this entry anymore.

But anyway…

This goes back to my birthday vacation and how different we are. On the first day, I thought, “Oh no! I’m so screwed”. But it actually all worked out. It wasn’t a bad trip at all. On the day we arrived, I wanted to go out to the local beach. She wanted to stay in. I couldn’t believe it. But I know her.

She would rather stay in on vacations and WATCH TV. I kid you not. We are so different. Like I said this end up being a good thing, but at the time, this kind of sucked. I was beating myself up for not going out by myself.

I just have to keep this in mind whenever we go on vacation together. My dog saved the trip too. Thank god he was there. ūüėČ Next year I don’t think we are going on vacation because I’m not sure I will able to afford Kripalu and a beach vacation. BUT if I can afford both, I will do it. We might do two nights at the beach for my birthday, and then I can do Kripalu with Gabby Bernstein in June or July.

Kripalu is so expensive because I want my own room. After being around people all day, I will want my own room. I’m an introvert after all. But I am considering a dorm or a roommate situation if I have to.

LOL. This entry was supposed to be a bashing entry, but I’m not even worried or concerned about it anymore. I’m over it.


I hate Depo-Provera right now, but I know it is teaching me patience OR it could be teaching me just to deal with my period and don’t try to stop it. Sigh. I don’t know which one it is. Should I stop the Depo after only two injections? Then what was the point of all this? I don’t want to give up just yet. The only side effect I have is a heavier and longer period, btw. bleh.

I wish I could try TMS therapy for depression. I already know of a doctor that can do it. But the insurance company won’t pay for it because I don’t fit ALL the criteria. I have been diagnosed with major depression (that’s good for insurance purposes). However, there are so many hoops. I think I’m going to ask my doctor about it next time I see him in June.

I’m not taking Abilify anymore after I run out of what I have (sometime in 2018 if it doesn’t expire before then) so I need to do something. I either need a new anti-depressant, or I need TMS. I don’t think any of the anti-depressants on the market will work for me. ūüė¶ I know that’s the wrong attitude to have. Ideally, I would love not to take anything for depression or anxiety. But I tried that recently and it didn’t work.

I’m not giving up on not taking any meds. Nor am I 100% sure I want to go med-free. I’m currently researching so I can know what to do in 2018 when I run out of Abilify.

Just do you

He turns 3 today!

DSCN0314

I wish the terrible twos would magically disappear. His behavior is worse now than when I first adopted him. Okay, he isn’t that bad. Sometimes he is just too needy when I’m working, AND he won’t always use the bathroom when I take him outside which is so annoying.

If kids are harder than having a dog, then I know I made the right decision to not have kids. Dogs are hard work. I think kids are easier than dogs. However, I can’t stand neediness and kids are very needy.

I love Marianne Williamson. Without her (and Gabby), I wouldn’t want to tackle A Course In Miracles. I have to say that first. But her stance on antidepressants is so typical. I just bought her book on depression and anxiety. I already listened to her speech about the book, so I know what’s in it. Let me state my opinion:

  1. ¬†People on anti-depressants aren’t stupid just because they are on meds.
  2. Yeah, 1 out of 10 people shouldn’t be on ADs. But why do people care so much? Mind your own business. What a concept! Stop with the BS about caring about pharmaceutical¬†companies. I’m not buying it. Mind your business.
  3. Until the person walks in my shoes, I don’t give a damn what he or she thinks. I laugh when people talk bad about anti-depressants.
  4. I don’t believe most ADs work anyway so who cares?
  5. I mind my own business, so I don’t care what Susie is taking. You do you.

Need I go on?? I shouldn’t because it is all about letting people do whatever they want. If the person isn’t dumb, they will probably figure it out own their own. Let people figure out their shit. It might take 20 years, but whatever. It’s all a part of the journey. ūüėČ

I will read Marianne’s book on depression/anxiety and spirituality. I have so many books to read so that book is not high on my list. I hope to get to it this year. I want to hear more on her point of view even though I don’t agree with all of it.

I have 2 new lumps in my right breast. ūüė¶ That’s why they are making me get a mammogram. blah. I haven’ scheduled it yet. I will probably call on Monday because if I don’t schedule it, the OB/GYN office will keep harassing¬†me about it. ¬†At least mammograms don’t hurt that much. It’s just slightly uncomfortable.

I also have to make an appointment to test my iron levels. I think I have anemia. And having a 20 day period does not help. I was trying to mow just the front yard, and it wasn’t even that hot (84 degrees), and I felt like I was going to faint. It was scary because I’m used to mowing the lawn in really hot weather with no problem. I felt like I was dying. I don’t know what to do because I have to mow the lawn. Hopefully, the doctor can figure out a solution. I might just need to take an iron supplement.

Only two more weeks of work until I go on vacation! I’m going to start packing my suitcase on Sunday. In case anyone is new here, my mom, my dog and I are going to a state park. We are staying in a 2 bedroom cabin. I’ve been there alone once or twice, and once with my dog. This is my mom’s first time going.

Since my car is fixed, we are planning on leaving the state park on the morning of my birthday to drive to the beach. It takes about an hour to get there. ¬†Next year for vacation, ¬†I’m going to Kripalu by myself to attend Gabby Berstein’s weekend retreat.¬†It’s going to happen somehow.

This week I…

Music of the week: India.Arie, Madi Davis, Ellie Goulding, Lea Michele, Robyn, Michelle Branch, Rachel Platten, Ed Sheeran

TV of the week: NBA Playoffs, Survivor

Movie of the week: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks

Books of the week: I finished¬†¬†The Universe Has Your Back¬†by Gabrielle Bernstein for the second time. I consider that book my Bible so I will reread it a lot. Now that I have the paperback version of A Course in Miracles¬†from the library, I’ve decided I MUST have the paperback version for myself. I’m just browsing it now since I am doing Gabby’s May Cause Miracles (which did cause a few miracles on Wednesday – may blog about it later). I can’t wait to start the Course. Obvs.

Love Warrior: A Memoir by Glennon Doyle Melton is beautifully written. I love the honesty. I can especially relate to her before she got married and had kids. Also reading  My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante and  May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness by Gabrielle Berstein (on day 26).

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren planner:

planner erin condren

Plans for the Weekend:¬†I might go to yoga tomorrow. I know I have been blogging about this forever. My period is finally kinda done so as long as I can make an appointment later today, I will go. I hate having to call first. I hope someone answers the phone since they aren’t there full-time.

UPDATE: I called and it looks like I’m going to yoga tomorrow!! Finally. YAY!

If it doesn’t rain, I plan to spend a lot of time outside this weekend. I’m going to study and read. I do my best studying outside. Other than that, I need to start packing. Fun times.

Thanks for reading. Have an awesome weekend! ūüôā

I’m weary

Woohoo! I’m feeling great! ūüôā I’ve only been on Abilify for a few days, but 1.) Abilify works quickly and 2.) I only had it out of my system for 3 weeks.

I’ve always called Abilify the magic drug because it is MAGIC. Thank Buddha. I still can’t eat breakfast at my normal time (around 6 AM on weekdays). But I don’t feel as physically sick.

I learned two things:

  • I need Abilify. That means I’m still clinically depressed. ūüė¶
  • Don’t ever stop Klonopin all of a sudden. Withdrawing from that drug is a bitch. I still haven’t gotten my medicine from the mail order company, but I found a small stash in a suitcase I packed last May.

Other than that, I have no idea why I had to go through 2 weeks of misery. I feel for people who can’t afford Abilify or can’t take it due to the side effects. Hopefully, they can take Wellbutrin or something similar. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to afford Abilify. I just mailed off my order for 180 days of Abilify. They better process it before January 1…in case the price goes up.

What am I going to do if I can’t get Abilify after the 180 days? I don’t know. I NEED something so…………

This week I…

Music of the week: JoJo, Solange, Alicia Keys, Miranda Lambert, A Tribe Called Quest, Kanye West, Ariana Grande, Beyonce

TV of the week: Gilmore Girls,  basketball

Movie of the week: I watched The Intern last Saturday.  Cute movie. I would only recommend it to Anne Hathaway fans. It was a nice escape, but not the best movie.

Books of the week:¬†I finished¬†¬†The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein. I wish I owned this book. There were so many good passages I wanted to write down in my “quote book, ” but I didn’t have time to do that. Great read.

Still reading  Into Thin Air: A Personal Account of the Mt. Everest Disaster by Jon Krakauer and When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren life planner ‚Äď

dscn0196-2

Yes, I went overboard with the poinsettias. I love poinsettias! Anyway, next week I’m going back to basics.

Plans for the Weekend:¬†Not much going on. I’m doing fun things like working on my vision board this weekend. Except it won’t be a board. I’m doing it in my planner. I decided to not take my final this weekend since I was feeling physically and mentally ill. I’m taking it on December 31 instead. I have to study for that.

Have a great weekend! ūüôā

Only I can mention me

I feel like a broken record. But I want to update my life without Abilify. I am also without Klonopin (treatment for anxiety) due to my damn doctor. I’m sick of this shit. I really am.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t afford Abilify after January 1. I’m not going to pay hundreds for it because I can’t afford it. If I could afford it, I would pay it. Because it is worth it. Trust me.

Depression sucks. I sort of forgot because I haven’t been really depressed since I started Abilify. I have had anxiety issues and panic attacks. Abilify doesn’t cure that (for me). I wish it did. Luckily, I’m not in a situation where I have to be that concerned about anxiety. It does affect my life, but since I have moved into this house, I’m at peace while I’m at home. That’s a blessing.

Yeah, I don’t have much else to talk about other than the depression because depression takes over your life. It is everything.

Wednesday is the day I get to see my doctor. The one that caused all this shit!!! Not only did he try to switch me off Abilify, but he also didn’t approve my Klonopin for mail order, and that is why I have none. ¬†I’m going to try to get samples of Abilify if he has them. I need something NOW.

He tried to switch me off Abilify because he wanted me to be less depressed. ROFL. What? I don’t have friends. I don’t have a real support system. I have financial¬†issues. And he expected me to be happy? WTF? Shouldn’t he know better? ¬†He’s a doctor! For me to be as happy as Sue is NEVER going to happen. Sue has help and support. That makes life a hell of a lot easier.

I’m not going to be perky Sue. Not going to happen. Does anyone know any happy people with severe social anxiety? ANYONE? So why did he try to change my medicine in the first place? I was fine before. Not happy go lucky Sue fine. But fine FOR ME.

I ¬†started feeling irritable and angry on Sunday. Very angry. This could be a side effect of NOT¬†being on Klonopin. I don’t think it is due to the lack of Abilify. Anyway, I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with other people right now. It would be so much worse if I had to deal with other human beings.

I’m ticked off at everyone. I have little patience. I always say I hate people, but now I really do. LOL. This is why it is important for me to live by myself. I just can’t with people. I can barely tolerate¬†my dog. I have been yelling at him more than usual. ūüė¶ I’m so glad I don’t have kids. This would be bad for them.

Right now, I’m feeling okay because it is night time. I still can’t eat breakfast. I’m not even going to try to eat breakfast until I get back on Abilify. I’m wasting food, coffee, and time. I’m only working a half day tomorrow. yay. And since I’m not eating breakfast I get to get up 40 minutes later than usual.

I’m going to go now. Just an update. An Abilify-less life is a sad life (for me).

I did my best, it wasn’t much

I’ve been feeling helpless when it comes to Aleppo. Our government isn’t doing enough. I retweeted this article and I just want to mention it on the blog:

7 real things you can do right now about the catastrophe in Aleppo.


I am off from work today. I ran errands until 2 PM. I’m exhausted. I couldn’t eat breakfast this morning. That never happens. I have been having a hard time eating in the mornings, but I can usually eat. I’ve been feeling physically sick and depressed all week. I’m guessing that the physical symptoms are related to the depression.

I can’t wait until December 21st. I get to see my doctor. He better put me back on Abilify. I think he will. I’m doing mail order, so I won’t get to start it until after Xmas. blah. More waiting. I just hope I can do my classwork and be productive at work. That is all that matters to me at the moment.

The mornings continue to be difficult. My digestive system is all messed up. I’m depressed. I’m wondering what’s the point of this life. etc. etc.

I’m hoping all this is temporary. I get back on Abilify, and I get back to my normal life. I hope to feel better in less than two weeks. ::fingers crossed::

I went to Michaels today because they were having a big planner release thing. UGH. My store was just setting it up as I went in. There was one person working on it and she didn’t ¬†even have all the stuff. What did I do? I went through one of the boxes while she wasn’t looking and I took one of the¬†items I wanted. lol. But yeah, that kind of sucked. I paid $1.50 for it with a coupon. I might go back tomorrow. But it might be a sign that I shouldn’t spend anymore money.

I don’t know what’s going on at either of my jobs. ROFL. Sad, but true. I know they wanted overtime from me at my full-time job and I declined. They didn’t want MY help last week so…whatever. I’m still waiting for more projects at my part-time job. It is seasonal work (no matter who you work for). I’m just hoping for work soon. I haven’t had any substantive work since the last part of November.

This week I…

Music of the week: Miranda Lambert, K. Michelle, Ingrid Michaelson, Ariana Grande, A Tribe Called Quest, JoJo, Beyonce, Tori Kelly

Song of the week Р Tori Kelly and Jennifer Hudson РHallelujah (Live)

TV of the week: Gilmore Girls,  basketball

Movie of the week:¬†I have it in my planner that I’m going to watch The Intern on Sunday. Yes, I have to plan movies because I’m not into movies like I used to be. I was going to see this movie in the theater, but of course, that didn’t happen. And then I was going to rent it, but the reviews weren’t that great. All I know is that I love Anne Hathaway. And I like Robert DeNiro, so I’m looking forward to watching it this weekend.

Books of the week: It is so annoying to read books like¬†¬†The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein when you have depression. But I’m still reading it. Bad timing. I also checked out two other books, but I’m so scattered brain, I doubt I get to read all these books. I checked out Into Thin Air: A Personal Account of the Mt. Everest Disaster¬†by Jon Krakauer and When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd

I will probably post a list of all the books I read in 2016. I don’t know how many books I finished. It wasn’t that much. 2016 started off strong in the reading department, but life happened.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren life planner –

dscn0194-2

Plans for the Weekend:¬†I might go to Michaels tomorrow after I take my last test for my class. I’m taking the final on the 24th. I don’t feel ready for either. It was VERY cold today, but the next couple of days will be nice. On Sunday it will be near 70 degrees! How awesome. I wish global warming would stay consistent and just let it be warm all the time. Bad liberal. ūüôā

Have a great weekend!

Just get through the day

Apparently, I am one of those people who NEED medicine. ūüė¶ I am on an anti-depressant, but that by itself doesn’t work for me. I need Abilify. That kind of sucks because I don’t know how much it will cost in 2017. For one person with the same insurance as me, she said it will be $500. That sounds outrageous, but that seems about right from my understanding.

I just have this doom and dread feeling. Nothing excites me. I’m weepy, and I’m never like that unless there is a legit reason. Well, prior to being on Abilify, I was really depressed. I wanted to kill myself all the time.

I don’t know what the solution is because of the price of the Abilify. I know I can get it before 2017 with an affordable copay. ¬†I can afford to pay the $37 pay, but anything more? Uh, nope. I am going to the doctor on the 21st because he tried to put me on Wellbutrin instead of Abilify. That might’ve work except Wellbutrin can’t be crushed, and I can’t swallow pills. I need to crush them to take them. I never got to try the Wellbutrin.

I feel like I can’t deal with anything more. All I can do is work. Not that working is easy, but I can do it. Last night I got into the bed at 6 PM!! I didn’t go to sleep, but I got into bed. I never do that. The last time I did that was when I was not on Abilify. So medicine is the answer. And fuck off to people who believe medicine is all a ploy. Can these people understand any situation they aren’t living in?

They are lucky enough to NOT need medicine, and they want to crap all over people who do take it. Screw them.

I feel bad for my dog. All mommy wants to do is nothing. I wish I could take him to the park since I feel better in the afternoons, but it is too cold. Can you imagine if I had kids?? ugh.

I also feel physically sick. ūüė¶ ūüė¶ I haven’t felt this way (physically or mentally) in a while.

I’m glad I have an appointment with the shrink on the 21st. But I don’t know if I can deal with the depression that long. I do have an old prescription for Abilify. I don’t know if the drug store will even fill it. It is so old. Sigh. I just need something.

Since I don’t have part-time work right now (but they swear it is coming), I will have dinner, get on my treadmill and then have a dance party tonight. Dancing always makes me feel better. It is exercise after all. I should do ‘stuff, ‘ but I don’t feel like doing stuff. I have a test on Saturday. I might study for that. Anything other than getting into bed at 6!

One more thing: I found out that I’m on the bottom totem pole at work (full-time job). ¬†What a way to make me feel great!!! My manager is out for the holidays, so I don’t think the threat is imminent. blah. I may blog more about this later.

This probably doesn’t make sense. Whatever. PUBLISH.

Update: I got on my treadmill, did a little planning, and took my dog for a walk. I feel better. For some reason after noon, I feel better. The mornings are so rough, though. Now it is time for a mini dance party. I’m getting in bed at 8 PM. That’s kind of normal for me. But I don’t go to sleep until 10.

I wish the mornings would get better! Or maybe I should just be thankful for the afternoons?

If I really meant it

I think I’m going to talk to my shrink about weaning myself off Abilify. My copay has already gone up, and it is going up more in January. I can’t afford to be depressed, but I’m willing to take a chance.

Thanks, Obama! Most people’s health insurance costs are going up. I don’t blame the health insurance companies. The Affordable Care Act is really putting them in a tough spot. There are so many benefits to “Obamacare” so I’m for it, but there are drawbacks as well.

If I were voting for my interests only, I would not vote for Clinton in November. But I consider everyone when ¬†I vote so I’m ¬†voting for her. Not that she’ll get much done. I still don’t know how I’m going to vote locally. I have more research to do.

Anyway, I see my shrink next month. I hope I don’t get depressed. I literally mean I can’t afford it. I have to be able to work two jobs. I’m already slow at my part-time job. I’m doing about 20% of what I’m supposed to be doing. I hope they are taking into consideration that I’m new and ¬†I work full time.

I chose to take two days off at my full-time job so I could possibly take the board exam in early December. lol. Um, I’m so not ready. At this point, I’ll probably take the exam in March. I already paid for the test, so that’s not an issue. I can’t believe ¬†I thought would be ready in December. Oh well.

This week I…

Music of the week: JoJo, Jess Glynne, Solange, Britney Spears, Ellie Goulding, Lady Gaga, Alessia Cara, Frank Ocean,

I had to really listen to Solange’s lyrics to fall in love with her album. All of her albums are solid. So far I still love her first album the most. JoJo’s album is also good. I just adore her voice. I’m so glad she can make music again. I was not expecting to like the new Lady Gaga album, but I enjoy it so far.

TV of the week:  Survivor, presidential debate.

I enjoyed the debate, but I still fell asleep during it. I’m glad the debates are over. I hope this election will be over quickly.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I’m almost done with¬†The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Annonymous. Now I have to do the work with the steps. I just started reading The Things We Wish Were True by Marybeth Mayhew Whalen

Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping, working on my certification class and working my part-time job. My main goal is to get as much work done as possible.

Thanks for reading! ūüôā