I’m not ready for it

UGH. Old man winter sucks. I’m officially depressed. I don’t like to use the word depression lightly. I usually don’t use it unless I’m suicidal. And I’m NOT suicidal. Thank the Universe. But it still sucks. I just can’t adjust to this weather. I’ve always known I’ve had seasonal affective disorder. Well, not always. I’ve known about it for the past 10 years.

I’m so glad I’m back on Abilify. I’m never going off it during the winter again. NEVER. So I will probably start weaning off Abilify in mid-February since the withdrawal symptoms don’t show up for at least 3 weeks. I’m assuming March will be warm or at least 50-ish degrees.

When I get back from LA, I’m going to call the new psychiatrist and set up an appointment. Random, but I have a lot of phone calls to make when I get back. Anyway, so I might see what he or she says about weaning off the Abilify.

I miss last winter. 😦 It was so mild and nice. My next entry was supposed to be my top albums of 2017, but I wanted to document this sadness. In other sad winter news, my water was off all day. I didn’t think it was that cold.

I have most everything packed that can be packed for this weekend. I keep checking Chicago’s weather and I think it is going to be okay on Friday. No snow. It was pretty dumb to choose to fly through Chicago during the winter, but I wasn’t thinking. Why is that even an option during the winter? How many flights do they cancel? I keep seeing advisories from airports about O’Hare. It’s hard NOT to freak out.

It isn’t going to be that warm in Los Angeles while I’m there. The high will be 67. The low will be in the 40s. That matters because I will be out late at night and out early in the morning.  I wouldn’t mind that if I didn’t have to pack for it. At this point, I’m just wearing something lightweight and putting a cardigan on. I don’t want to pack a heavy sweater. I’m trying to keep my carry on as light as possible because United Airlines will make me check my suitcase if it is too heavy. That happened to me with Vegas. I bought so much stuff in Vegas, my bag got too heavy.

I’m not planning on buying anything to bring back from LA. I hope I don’t see anything and get tempted. Well, I know I’m going to be tempted while I’m at Olvera Street. From pics and videos, it reminds me so much of Oaxaco City, Mexico. That’s why I want to go. Oh, I also bought a lot of stuff from Mexico. Fun times.

Back to my sadness: I’m trying to put things in perspective and not be so sad over winter. But dammit, I can’t help it. It’s like telling someone to snap out of depression. It also doesn’t help that I felt so sick this morning. I could not stop sneezing. I think I’m fine now. I was very productive during overtime this morning. If only every day at work could be like this morning.

My dog is also sick. Great, right? My slight sickness, my dog being sick (probably from his food), and this winter weather is making me glad I have an escape this weekend. I wish I could stay an extra day. But I don’t want to even think of changing flights and all that. I don’t even know if I can. Plus, it isn’t financially responsible to spend another night at the hotel. So it isn’t happening.

My next entry will be my top 17 albums of 2017 because nothing bad will happen before I leave for my trip. That’s the optimism! 😉

Update: I just got Fire and Fury from the library. You know what I’ll be reading on the plane when I’m not reading A Course in Miracles! YAY!


Today was okay

I’ve been off Abilify for 22 days. I wish I had documented what happened last time. I know I was barely functioning and had suicidal thoughts. I went back through my blog to try to find out when what happened when. It was exactly a year ago that I went back on Abilify! I had no idea. Why do I keep going off it during the winter months? Not smart. Anyone can be depressed. There is barely any sun.

Tuesday was great after 9AM. I was even happy!! Yesterday sucked all day. I’m having physical and mental symptoms. The nausea is the worst. I ordered something OTC for that. I hope it works. I’m also having headaches, but they aren’t that bad. My digestive system is also a little messed up. I went to the store to get something for that today.

Today was okay. It was definitely better than yesterday. Today was average. No real highs or lows.

The depression is not severe. I’m not having suicidal thoughts. If I were, I’d be back on Abilify. The plan would be to stay on Abilify until I get back from Los Angeles and then wean myself off slowly. My psychiatrist said I didn’t need to wean myself off, but the internet is saying something VERY different. Thanks a lot, doc!

I’m trying to push through it. But if lack of Abilify affects my work or I get suicidal, I will go back on. I wasn’t very productive at work yesterday. 😦  And I can’t go to LA depressed. What would be the point? I have to feel better before January 19.

I was thinking I don’t like who I am on Abilify, but I don’t like who I am off of it either. Who wants to be depressed? On Abilify, I lack inhibition. I want to be like I used to be before I started the drug. I was frugal. I didn’t need STUFF. I was careful.

Honestly, I’d be happier if I could just eat breakfast. I can’t stomach anything until after 8. I start work at 6. I get up at 5.  If I eat at 8, I’m less productive at work because I’m supposed to be working.

I’m trying to document what being off Abilify is like this time in case I have to do it again after I get back from LA. This is my way of saying that I might be blogging about Abilify a lot.

At this point, I’m still going to LA even though I don’t have that Friday off yet. I forgot that we were supposed to be trained sometime in 2018. What if that Friday is a day of training? There’s NO WAY I’m going to cancel my trip just due to one day of training. I’ll just have to miss it.

UPDATE: I now have that Friday off. I’m coming back at midnight on that Sunday night. I will probably ask for that Monday off. Not sure.

You know what I get excited about when it comes to my trip? Being in the hotel. LOL. Forget LA and Gabby Bernstein. I just want to enjoy the hotel. It’s a weekend getaway. A 3,000-mile weekend getaway. I’m so glad I changed the hotel. Now I know I’m getting something very nice. This is where business people stay. Since it is a business hotel, I wish they would offer a shuttle to downtown, but they don’t. I don’t even mind paying for it. I’ll just use Uber.

Birth control update: I STOPPED BLEEDING. WOW!!!!111!!! 😉

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8):  Joan Osborne, Linkin Park, Taylor Swift, Pink, Ariana Grande, Ed Sheeran, Jasmine Thompson, George Micahel

TV of the week:  Homeland, The Affair, Survivor, The Crown

I have pretty much stopped watching the news. I don’t care about Russia and that is all cable news covers. Well, recently they have been talking about taxes nonstop. It is so boring. Not interested.

Movie of the week: none

Podcasts of the week:  All In With Chris Hayes, Mentally Chill, Ryen Russilo Show, A Killing on the Cape, The Lively Show

Books of the week: I finished reading Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Ed Tarkington. It is a coming of age story. I didn’t think I was going to like it. I love movies like that, but I rarely read books on that topic. It was a 4-star book. Better than average, but not great.

Now reading –

I have decided on what 3D books I’m taking with me to LA. I’m taking A Course in Miracles and a book I’ve been trying to finish forever: What Remains by Carole Radziwill. I didn’t want to take ACIM because it is so thick. But a plane ride is the perfect time to be “stuck” with the book. I’ll get a lot of reading done.

As far as Kindle books goes, I have a ton of books on my Kindle I haven’t read and hopefully, I will have library ebooks by then.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren (coming Sunday – Xmas theme!)

Plans for the Weekend: Unlike a lot of people, I had to work all week. I’m off on Monday, of course. I’m looking forward to just going to the park. It is going to be 70 degrees on Saturday and then it all goes downhill. I really want to get my living room cleaned up. Nothing exciting.

Oh, I’m supposed to take my test on Sunday but I might change that. I talked to one of the professors on the phone. It was awkward on my end, but she gave me resources so I can really grasp this stuff. So I spent $80 on that. Hopefully, it will be here soon.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful weekend! 🙂

Love on repeat

I’m so sad to hear about the earthquakes in Mexico. The one that happened two weeks ago affected Oaxaca badly. I keep thinking about the people there and the buildings. Oaxaca is such a wonderful place. I hope to go back one day. I can’t even look at pictures of the damage.  I pray they don’t have any more earthquakes. 😦

And poor Puerto Rico. No power on the whole island?? That’s when you know things are bad.

Guess who is going to boot camp on Saturday morning? I’m so scared. I have never been to a boot camp, and other people will be there (!!). It’s free, and it’s not ongoing. It will be at a park. There will be a different free exercise activity in parks around the city for the next 6 weeks. I might skip hiking. That is too social for me. I have a feeling people would want to talk, and I would appear standoffish. I would love to go hiking alone, but with other people around? Ack!

Boot camp? What if it’s hard? What if I can’t keep up? What if I look foolish? I have to go, right? lol. I have only been to this park once and nowhere near where the boot camp will be. The map online isn’t helpful at all.  I’m going to have to get there early to find out where it is.

Forget Depo-Provera. I think I didn’t start gaining weight until I started Abilify. Another strike, but it is still worth it. Unfortunately, I can’t operate without it. AND the price was lowered to less than $1 a pill. Amazing! So what do I do? I honestly don’t feel like I have much of a choice. Some people would say go gluten-free and exercise more or something like that. But I know that would take me a while and I don’t believe it will work for me, so I have to be on something in the interim.

Do people not get it? When I’m depressed, I can’t exercise. I’m in bed. Gluten-free? Who gives a shit? I just want to die. Abilify can be evil, but it works for me. I know it doesn’t work for everyone.

I won’t see my shrink again until December. I have that long to think about it. Maybe I will ask him about TMS since there isn’t an alternative to Abilify (for me). I have a feeling he will not go for TMS. As I see it, my options are to stay on Abilify or get a new shrink. My shrink is okay, but I don’t feel like I can talk to him easily. That’s probably 100% on me. I won’t blame him.

Hopefully, I won’t keep posting about Abilify. I just need to make a tough decision. The price going down by $200 really complicates things.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Nelly Furtado, Jem, Jillette Johnson, Julia Michaels, John Mayer, JoJo, Britney Spears, Shawn Mendes

TV of the week: Big Brother, The Kalief Browder Story

I followed Kalief Browder since I first heard of his story a while ago. I think he was in Rikers at the time. I remember thinking, “This shows how messed up the ‘justice’ system is.” I wish he could have beaten his demons. I was so glad when he was released, but prison messes with your head…especially Rikers! How tragic. 😦

I honestly don’t see how anyone believes we have a fair justice system. Some people aren’t paying attention.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: Currently reading –

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo: A Novel by Taylor Jenkins Reid (fun book)

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Boot camp!!! I’m so anxious. Have I mentioned that? I hope enough people show up. More than 10, but less than 30 would be good. I want the people who put this together to be successful, but too many people might terrify me.

I will also go grocery shopping, work, mow the front yard and study.

Have a fabulous weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

That’s what’s going on

Work is killing me. Both jobs. Sigh. I didn’t realize Monday is Labor Day. I will be working at my part-time job. But I do get a day off from the FT job. I’m auditing work (re part-time job) which is great experience if I knew what the hell I was doing. I’m waiting for feedback on the work I did this week. I’m so scared. I might request a one on one session because I feel lost.

I see my psychiatrist on the 13th. I see him 4 times a year. I really want to get off Abilify. It causes impulsive behavior. Some people have lost many things due to that drug (due to gambling addiction etc.), but IT WORKS. I’m not depressed. I’m not in bed all the time. However, the side effect of impulsive behavior can ruin lives.

I used to be so different. I was frugal before I was on Abilify. I don’t remember when my eating habits changed, but I’m sure Abilify made me more impulsive. Before being on the drug, I wouldn’t even think of ordering food. Now I think about it 1 – 3 a week. I don’t order out that much (thank the Universe), but I THINK about it.

Depression sucks. I wish I could just be depressed, but it affects my work. Depression affects everything. If I didn’t have to work, I would just stay in bed all day with no Abilify. I know that sounds strange. That is how bad I want to get off the drug, but I can’t allow anything to mess with my productivity. So Abilify it is for now.

Wow, I just found out Louise Hay passed away peacefully in her sleep on August 30th. She was 90 years old. She’s the one who got me started on this long and sometimes painful spiritual journey. Thank you, Louise Hay. RIP.

This week I…

Music of the week: Demi Lovato, Marren Morris, Joan Osborne, Taylor Swift, Mariah Carey, Natalie Merchant, Lea Michele, Kelly Clarkson

Joan Osborne did an album of Bob Dylan covers. It just came out today. It’s awesome. I have been missing that passion in her voice. It reminds me of the old Joan Osborne. However, I wish she did a cover of Nina Simone songs. That I would KILL for. I need someone I like to do a cover of Nina’s songs. Alicia Keys is a big fan of hers. She should do it.

I can’t wait for the new Demi Lovato album. Coming soon!

TV of the week: Big Brother, The Real Housewives of NYC

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal by Jen Waite. It was good, but it took me until the very end to figure out why she wrote the book. I kept saying, “This is a great memoir, but what’s her point?” It isn’t revealed until the end.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, school work, and working. Fun times. I’m taking my test early tomorrow morning (7-ish) and then I’m working for the rest of the day. Hopefully. I still have to get feedback before I work more. If I can’t work, I’ll do school work and clean.

On Sunday, I’m grocery shopping. And on Monday, I’m mowing the lawn. I don’t know how much I’ll get to work. If it were up to me, I would work all weekend. But at least I get to do school work if I can’t work as much as I want.

Have a nice weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

I’m still a dreamer

This entry is going to be about my mom, and I haven’t typed much, and I already feel bad. This is going to be a judgemental entry. I’m judging her behavior. I’m just acknowledging my judgment. I know she’s my spiritual assignment and blah, blah. I was going to come here with my guns blazing and say she’s this and that. But I’ve since done my spiritual work (mainly A Course in Miracles), and I don’t even want to do this entry anymore.

But anyway…

This goes back to my birthday vacation and how different we are. On the first day, I thought, “Oh no! I’m so screwed”. But it actually all worked out. It wasn’t a bad trip at all. On the day we arrived, I wanted to go out to the local beach. She wanted to stay in. I couldn’t believe it. But I know her.

She would rather stay in on vacations and WATCH TV. I kid you not. We are so different. Like I said this end up being a good thing, but at the time, this kind of sucked. I was beating myself up for not going out by myself.

I just have to keep this in mind whenever we go on vacation together. My dog saved the trip too. Thank god he was there. 😉 Next year I don’t think we are going on vacation because I’m not sure I will able to afford Kripalu and a beach vacation. BUT if I can afford both, I will do it. We might do two nights at the beach for my birthday, and then I can do Kripalu with Gabby Bernstein in June or July.

Kripalu is so expensive because I want my own room. After being around people all day, I will want my own room. I’m an introvert after all. But I am considering a dorm or a roommate situation if I have to.

LOL. This entry was supposed to be a bashing entry, but I’m not even worried or concerned about it anymore. I’m over it.

I hate Depo-Provera right now, but I know it is teaching me patience OR it could be teaching me just to deal with my period and don’t try to stop it. Sigh. I don’t know which one it is. Should I stop the Depo after only two injections? Then what was the point of all this? I don’t want to give up just yet. The only side effect I have is a heavier and longer period, btw. bleh.

I wish I could try TMS therapy for depression. I already know of a doctor that can do it. But the insurance company won’t pay for it because I don’t fit ALL the criteria. I have been diagnosed with major depression (that’s good for insurance purposes). However, there are so many hoops. I think I’m going to ask my doctor about it next time I see him in June.

I’m not taking Abilify anymore after I run out of what I have (sometime in 2018 if it doesn’t expire before then) so I need to do something. I either need a new anti-depressant, or I need TMS. I don’t think any of the anti-depressants on the market will work for me. 😦 I know that’s the wrong attitude to have. Ideally, I would love not to take anything for depression or anxiety. But I tried that recently and it didn’t work.

I’m not giving up on not taking any meds. Nor am I 100% sure I want to go med-free. I’m currently researching so I can know what to do in 2018 when I run out of Abilify.

Just do you

He turns 3 today!


I wish the terrible twos would magically disappear. His behavior is worse now than when I first adopted him. Okay, he isn’t that bad. Sometimes he is just too needy when I’m working, AND he won’t always use the bathroom when I take him outside which is so annoying.

If kids are harder than having a dog, then I know I made the right decision to not have kids. Dogs are hard work. I think kids are easier than dogs. However, I can’t stand neediness and kids are very needy.

I love Marianne Williamson. Without her (and Gabby), I wouldn’t want to tackle A Course In Miracles. I have to say that first. But her stance on antidepressants is so typical. I just bought her book on depression and anxiety. I already listened to her speech about the book, so I know what’s in it. Let me state my opinion:

  1.  People on anti-depressants aren’t stupid just because they are on meds.
  2. Yeah, 1 out of 10 people shouldn’t be on ADs. But why do people care so much? Mind your own business. What a concept! Stop with the BS about caring about pharmaceutical companies. I’m not buying it. Mind your business.
  3. Until the person walks in my shoes, I don’t give a damn what he or she thinks. I laugh when people talk bad about anti-depressants.
  4. I don’t believe most ADs work anyway so who cares?
  5. I mind my own business, so I don’t care what Susie is taking. You do you.

Need I go on?? I shouldn’t because it is all about letting people do whatever they want. If the person isn’t dumb, they will probably figure it out own their own. Let people figure out their shit. It might take 20 years, but whatever. It’s all a part of the journey. 😉

I will read Marianne’s book on depression/anxiety and spirituality. I have so many books to read so that book is not high on my list. I hope to get to it this year. I want to hear more on her point of view even though I don’t agree with all of it.

I have 2 new lumps in my right breast. 😦 That’s why they are making me get a mammogram. blah. I haven’ scheduled it yet. I will probably call on Monday because if I don’t schedule it, the OB/GYN office will keep harassing me about it.  At least mammograms don’t hurt that much. It’s just slightly uncomfortable.

I also have to make an appointment to test my iron levels. I think I have anemia. And having a 20 day period does not help. I was trying to mow just the front yard, and it wasn’t even that hot (84 degrees), and I felt like I was going to faint. It was scary because I’m used to mowing the lawn in really hot weather with no problem. I felt like I was dying. I don’t know what to do because I have to mow the lawn. Hopefully, the doctor can figure out a solution. I might just need to take an iron supplement.

Only two more weeks of work until I go on vacation! I’m going to start packing my suitcase on Sunday. In case anyone is new here, my mom, my dog and I are going to a state park. We are staying in a 2 bedroom cabin. I’ve been there alone once or twice, and once with my dog. This is my mom’s first time going.

Since my car is fixed, we are planning on leaving the state park on the morning of my birthday to drive to the beach. It takes about an hour to get there.  Next year for vacation,  I’m going to Kripalu by myself to attend Gabby Berstein’s weekend retreat. It’s going to happen somehow.

This week I…

Music of the week: India.Arie, Madi Davis, Ellie Goulding, Lea Michele, Robyn, Michelle Branch, Rachel Platten, Ed Sheeran

TV of the week: NBA Playoffs, Survivor

Movie of the week: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks

Books of the week: I finished  The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein for the second time. I consider that book my Bible so I will reread it a lot. Now that I have the paperback version of A Course in Miracles from the library, I’ve decided I MUST have the paperback version for myself. I’m just browsing it now since I am doing Gabby’s May Cause Miracles (which did cause a few miracles on Wednesday – may blog about it later). I can’t wait to start the Course. Obvs.

Love Warrior: A Memoir by Glennon Doyle Melton is beautifully written. I love the honesty. I can especially relate to her before she got married and had kids. Also reading  My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante and  May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness by Gabrielle Berstein (on day 26).

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren planner:

planner erin condren

Plans for the Weekend: I might go to yoga tomorrow. I know I have been blogging about this forever. My period is finally kinda done so as long as I can make an appointment later today, I will go. I hate having to call first. I hope someone answers the phone since they aren’t there full-time.

UPDATE: I called and it looks like I’m going to yoga tomorrow!! Finally. YAY!

If it doesn’t rain, I plan to spend a lot of time outside this weekend. I’m going to study and read. I do my best studying outside. Other than that, I need to start packing. Fun times.

Thanks for reading. Have an awesome weekend! 🙂

I’m weary

Woohoo! I’m feeling great! 🙂 I’ve only been on Abilify for a few days, but 1.) Abilify works quickly and 2.) I only had it out of my system for 3 weeks.

I’ve always called Abilify the magic drug because it is MAGIC. Thank Buddha. I still can’t eat breakfast at my normal time (around 6 AM on weekdays). But I don’t feel as physically sick.

I learned two things:

  • I need Abilify. That means I’m still clinically depressed. 😦
  • Don’t ever stop Klonopin all of a sudden. Withdrawing from that drug is a bitch. I still haven’t gotten my medicine from the mail order company, but I found a small stash in a suitcase I packed last May.

Other than that, I have no idea why I had to go through 2 weeks of misery. I feel for people who can’t afford Abilify or can’t take it due to the side effects. Hopefully, they can take Wellbutrin or something similar. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to afford Abilify. I just mailed off my order for 180 days of Abilify. They better process it before January 1…in case the price goes up.

What am I going to do if I can’t get Abilify after the 180 days? I don’t know. I NEED something so…………

This week I…

Music of the week: JoJo, Solange, Alicia Keys, Miranda Lambert, A Tribe Called Quest, Kanye West, Ariana Grande, Beyonce

TV of the week: Gilmore Girls,  basketball

Movie of the week: I watched The Intern last Saturday.  Cute movie. I would only recommend it to Anne Hathaway fans. It was a nice escape, but not the best movie.

Books of the week: I finished  The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein. I wish I owned this book. There were so many good passages I wanted to write down in my “quote book, ” but I didn’t have time to do that. Great read.

Still reading  Into Thin Air: A Personal Account of the Mt. Everest Disaster by Jon Krakauer and When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren life planner –


Yes, I went overboard with the poinsettias. I love poinsettias! Anyway, next week I’m going back to basics.

Plans for the Weekend: Not much going on. I’m doing fun things like working on my vision board this weekend. Except it won’t be a board. I’m doing it in my planner. I decided to not take my final this weekend since I was feeling physically and mentally ill. I’m taking it on December 31 instead. I have to study for that.

Have a great weekend! 🙂