Making up the moves as I go

Great news…for now. Why can’t I believe in myself more? This is about the part-time job. I got the go-ahead to go and work as much as I want! Scary. I did enough auditing correctly so they feel I can work without feedback. Oh god.  I used to work a lot when I was doing something different than auditing others. But auditing is hard, and I’m so scared, so it takes me hours to do very few things. PLUS, I still have to maintain 95% accuracy. It may as well be 100%. What’s the difference? I can only get one thing wrong…maybe.

High expectations. I’m just going to take my time and ask questions. I need the money, so I’m going to work my ass off.

I really need to workout more. Or change my eating habits. Or both. I gained 9 pounds in exactly one year. 😦 I know this because I weighed myself on September 17 of last year. I’m not that obsessed about it. Obviously (or maybe I would do something about it). I don’t know how much Depo-Provera adds to the weight gain. I don’t think it has much effect.

Anyway, I’ve been walking about 1.5 miles at the park every single day for almost 3 weeks. According to my phone, I walk about 3 miles per hour which isn’t that fast, but not slow at all. Apparently, that has no effect. I haven’t lost weight. Hmmm. It could be the Depo. I probably need to get back on my treadmill regularly. And I’m going to start back up doing the 15-minute workout during my lunch break. I like it because it has cardio and weightlifting.

Speaking of Depo-Provera. No bleeding. I’m so ecstatic about it. Well, I’m hesitantly happy. Anything could change. If I never get my period again, would the Depo be worth it? YES!!! But only because I work from home. I can’t imagine bleeding for 3 months straight and working outside the home. That would’ve been a pain in the ass. For this reason, I wouldn’t recommend Depo to others. Only to people who don’t have to work outside the home because the side effects can be wild.

I also can’t imagine being in a sexual relationship while being on Depo. I’m so glad I didn’t have to worry about that. So just say NO to Depo unless you don’t have to work outside the house and are not in a sexual relationship. I can’t speak on the other side effects like hair loss and mood swings.

Speaking of sexual relationships or the lack thereof, I watched 45 minutes of the Emmys (the middle part), and I was half asleep, but I heard a winner go up and say something like LGBTA. Holla! He gave asexuals a shout out on primetime TV. I almost jumped out of bed. lol.  Of course, most people have no clue what the “A” stands for. Whatevs. He said it! Thank you. 🙂

Well, I should be working my ass off or studying for my course. That’s my life these days. And I’m mostly thankful.

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Dreaming is free

Oops! I did it again.  I signed up for a certification course. If I pass, this will be my THIRD certification. I will have a lot of letters after my name. I’m not taking the test until September 2018. So I have a lot of time to take the course and study before I take the exam. I have a career plan all worked out in my head with this certification, but who knows what will happen.

I had to sign up. This was a special price ($300 off). Plus, they threw in a free textbook! They never do that. I hope I can still make it to Kripalu next May since I spent a lot on the course. I have the flight covered. I’m just a little concerned about room and board.

I just knew we weren’t getting a bonus this quarter. But we are!! YAY. It isn’t thousands or even a thousand dollars. But I need all the help I can get so I’m happy.

What else is making me happy? I have occasionally been driving my dog to the park near us. Well, now I found a shortcut that doesn’t involve a car. All I have to do is walk to the park. It is less than a 5-minute walk from my house!! How could I not know that after living here for over 4 years? Don’t ask. We have been going daily after I get off of work. How awesome is that? I love it. Of course, my dog wants to stay for hours, but we only stay for about 15 minutes on weekdays. On the weekend, I plan to stay longer.

My dad is coming back to the United States. This time for good. 😦 He went back overseas for 2 months, and now he is coming back this weekend. Just to be clear, the sad face is because he is going to be living with my mom. So when I take her to the store, he has to go too. I hate driving “strangers” around. I have to take medicine, and it’s just not a good situation.

Depo-Provera update: I was just about to say the bleeding stop. But it started back up today. Compared to what it used to be, this is nothing. I’m grateful for that. I lost 1.5 pounds, so I don’t think I’m gaining weight due to DP.

This week I…

Music of the week: Shawn Mendes, Lorde, Hannah Trigwell, Paramore, Jem, Lana Del Rey, Lea Michele, Robyn

TV of the week: Big Brother, Thirteen Reasons Why

I’ve had 13 Reasons Why on my ‘to be read’ list FOREVER. I never got to it. I decided to finally watch the series this week. It starts off slow, but it’s a really good show. I wouldn’t recommend suicidal teens watch it. Or any teens when I think about how tough junior high and high school was for me. It made me go back to my suicidal days (not that long ago). For the longest time, I wanted to publish this manifesto of all the people who wronged me. How they contributed to my suicide. I never wrote it. But I thought about it a lot. I think I was going to mail it to a bunch of newspapers.

But now I’m in a better place. Most of the time. 😉

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week:

I finished reading two travel guides on The Dominican Republic. Very helpful. But I still feel a bit lost. At least I have a place to stay (see entry below). I will probably just stay there and walk to the private beach and to the small “town”. I just want a feel of the DR. That’s the one thing I really liked about my Mexico trip. I didn’t do the tourist thing. I stayed where the locals lived.

Trudy Scott (author of The Anti-Anxiety Food Solution) is your typical food snob. No gluten. No processed foods. YET, she says it is okay to eat sardines. Sardines from a can! Yes, LOL. So I’ve been eating sardines for lunch on most days. Fish is good for the body…even sardines. Besides, it was better than what I was eating before. I’m so glad she gave me that idea.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: The park! We (my dog and I) might go Sunday morning around 7 or 8 AM and stay for an hour. It depends on when my dad is coming back because he will want to go grocery shopping immediately. Right now he is in France. How cool. I wish I were in France. Anyway, I’m not starting my course until I get my textbook. I probably won’t seriously start until the weekend of the 26th.

I might mow my lawn this weekend. I’m trying to wait until next week because I’m off on Thursday and Friday. On Thursday I have a doctor’s appointment to check my iron levels. I have been taking iron pills, but not the ones she recommended because I can’t swallow pills (and they can’t be crushed).

Well, I have to go cook for the week. blah. I hate “cooking” even though all I do is bake a bunch of chicken for the week. How hard is that?

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

I hear sounds in my mind

I don’t know where to start. That’s a great first sentence for a post. lol. Not a lot of big things are happening. I just want to do a few updates.

Job(s) update: FT job is still stressful, but today was pretty good. Re: the part-time job – We don’t have as much work because companies are sending their work overseas. 😦 I knew this was happening, but I didn’t know it was affecting the company I work for that badly.

Anyway, I should have work in about 2 weeks. People with more experience are working now. Us newbies have to wait. There are still opportunities and I’m glad I’m working with this company. However, I don’t think I’m going to invest in this career further. I was considering getting a THIRD certification. That’s a couple of thousands of dollars I would have to invest.

A course is starting next week with a discount for a few days in the certification I want, and of course, I’m tempted to sign up. But ugh, I just finished studying and taking a certification exam. Do I REALLY want to spend time and money on another certification right now? I think I will pass on the discounted price and wait until I really know I will receive a return on my investment.

Depo-Provera update: UGH. The bleeding started back on Wednesday. Great. I hope it is only temporary or I might call the doctor. It’s not really heavy, so that’s a good thing. I think I might be at the beginning of gaining weight due to the Depo. I won’t know for sure until a few weeks. Many women start gaining after the 3rd shot, so no shock there.

Other than that, things are going great with the Depo. 😉 More on this later.

List time! I love lists. Obvs. I made a list of things I really want. I think it’s accurate. I came up with this list in my paper journal pretty quickly so I might have left a few things off.  I left two private things off the following list. These wants are in no particular order:

  1. A private island in a warm climate.
  2. No debt.
  3. A good relationship with food.
  4. A carefree job where I feel confident.
  5. A consistent spiritual practice.
  6. To be all around healthy.
  7. To forgive my past tormentors.

I have nothing to add right now. Just sharing.

This week I…

Music of the week: Jillette Johnson, Lorde, Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, Julia Michaels, Ariana Grande, John Mayer, Lana Del Rey

Song of the week: Lorde – Perfect Places

 

TV of the week: Big Brother, Pretty Little Liars

I’m so glad PLL is finally over. It got so bad at the end. Horrible. I quit watching Empire during the second season. I just don’t care what happens to these millionaires. And the music was horrible. Music is subjective, so I’ll just say I didn’t like the music. I hate saying that because Timbaland is the executive music producer. But whatever.  I started watching Empire because so many people were talking about it and I’m a fan of Gabourey Sidibe. But she wasn’t on the show enough for me. I should probably read Gabby’s book. I don’t know much about it. I just heard it was good.

/end tangent

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week:

I’m trying to focus on the following books –

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Why do I even have this section? It’s not like I do anything fun on most weekends. LOL. Anyway, I’m just going grocery shopping and enjoying my free time. I am preparing to work at my part time job. It’s kind of hard to prepare without work, but I have some old coursework I can do. I’m trying to get really good at it so I can always have work despite a lot of work being moved overseas.

Thanks for reading! Have a wonderful weekend. 🙂

For me to bleed

It was glorious. For a little over 24 hours, I didn’t bleed. It was pure joy. Not even the fucked up “meeting” on Tuesday could ruin my mood because hello, I had stopped bleeding.

Now the bleeding is back (so far it isn’t heavy which is good). The Depo Provera injection stopped my bleeding immediately. I was shocked. How could that happen? I was bleeding heavily before the injection, and then it just stopped. I guess it doesn’t matter now because I’m back to bleeding.

Needless to say, I can’t wait until my body gets back to normal. The nurse said to call within a couple of weeks if I’m still bleeding. LOL. I will wait for 4-6 weeks before I call the nurse/doctor. That is how I roll. I don’t like calling people, so I’m going to wait as long as possible.

The nurse said she would prescribe me a birth control pill to stop the bleeding. ROFL. Another birth control method? Well, great. I didn’t know I was bleeding due to lack of estrogen or something like that. I recently found this great article on Depo-Provera. It’s called What to Expect During Your First Year of Depo Provera Use. I wish I had known this before now. I thought I did my research, but I wasn’t searching for the right things.

I still would have tried Depo if I had read that article because everyone is different and a third of women stop getting their period after the 3rd injection. I just got my 3rd injection on Tuesday. I don’t think I will be part of the 1/3. 😦

UPDATE: Well, the bleeding stopped for another 24 hours. Thank you, Universe!! Maybe it will just be sporadic? I’ll take that over bleeding for 3 months straight. I had to update this post because this is great news for me. Maybe I won’t have to call the doctor. Yes!

The “meeting.” It was like a freaking cocktail party. Not that I would know what a cocktail party is like. I’ve never been to any kind of party. It was a nightmare. It was everything I feared. How could D invite me to that type of event when she knows I’ve always said, “I don’t like people.” Today I would not say that about people. Thanks to A Course in Miracles and other spiritual work.

However, I’m still scared of people. They terrify me. So don’t ask me to go somewhere with a bunch of people just to save your ass. I just wanted to get out of there. I don’t even know what more to say about it. It’s over now. I’m never going back.

Job(s) update: I haven’t heard back about the full-time job I interviewed for. They aren’t starting people until mid-August, but I don’t have a lot of faith that I will get an offer. The good news (I guess?) is that the interviewer got my thank you email. Well, the email didn’t come back to me.

I’m still waiting for part-time work. She said it would come this week or next. I’m still enjoying my free time. Long naps after work and lots of reading. Soaking it in.

This week I…

Music of the week: Linkin Park,  Mariah Carey, Elle Varner, Lorde, Marren Morris, Demi Lovato, Bethany Dillon, Ellie Goulding

I’m so sad over Chester’s suicide. 😦 I grew up listening to Linkin Park. I’m still in shock, I guess. So sad for his friends and family.

Song of the week: Linkin Park – Numb

TV of the week: Big Brother, Switched at Birth

I canceled Direct TV Now. I currently have Hulu Live TV. It’s definitely in the beta stages. I like it because it has a DVR. Right now I’m only recording 1 show.  I only watch the news. But when basketball comes back around, I will probably use it almost daily.

Movie of the week: I started watching Where to Invade Next. I might finish it this weekend. This is for people that believe AMERICA IS #1!!!!!!!!!!1!1!!!. That’s not me.

Books of the week: I finished reading No One Cares About Crazy People: The Chaos and Heartbreak of Mental Health in America by Ron Powers. Great book, but I’ve read similar books and skipped over some of the history of mental health parts.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Maybe working at my part time job? Not sure. I’m definitely going grocery shopping. I finished my course last weekend. Yay! I’m just doing the usual. No big plans.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful weekend! 🙂

What do I know?

If you hate reading about periods, skip the intro. Sorry. I want to sign up for 11 weeks of yoga. I can’t even do that because of Depo-Provera and my 3 month period. I’m not exaggerating. It isn’t heavy on most days, so I haven’t been complaining that much. But I’m getting sick of it. Like I said last week, if I didn’t work at home I would be screwed! I can only deal because I’m at home 90% of the time.

I’m getting my next Depo injection in mid-July. I’m giving it a whole year and then I have to try something else. I think I’m just going to go with birth control pills because my blood pressure hasn’t been high in about a year.  The period thing is absolutely ridiculous but…

I know what God is trying to do. The Universe is saying, “You wanted to get rid of your period, and it wasn’t even that bad. This is what a bad period is.” Well, I get it!!! lol. Can we move on now? No? Why not? I’m serious.

I’m sick of having a daily period. I’ve been on Depo for almost 6 months. It seems like it has been longer than that. Thanks to this blog, I know it’ll be 6 months on July 8th. I have 3 more months before I give up and you know what? I probably won’t even try another birth control method. Fuck it. I’ll just deal. 😦 Or should I give it a full year? I’m pretty sure everyone says it might take a full year for a period to disappear IF that even happens for me.

So yeah, I’ll give it a year. Sorry for talking about my period so much but this blog is about my life, and this is what is going on in my life right now.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ed Sheeran, Lorde, Jillette Johnson, Halsey, India.Arie, Solange, Lea Michele, Michelle Branch

Shakira is coming to DC in January! I wanna go…but I’m not going. 😦  Blah.

TV of the week: Big Brother, Grey’s Anatomy

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: 

Now reading:

I will have a lot to say about The Residence once I finish reading it this weekend. My favorite thing to do these days is to go outside with my dog after dinner and sit outside and read. I even bought a chair for outside. I was tired of sitting on the porch (too much sun) and sick of sitting on the ground (too many insects). Now my house feels more like a home. Amazing what a wicker chair can do. 🙂

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping on Saturday. Then on Sunday, I’m going to an office park to mail my mail and take my dog for a long walk around the office park if doesn’t rain. Good exercise for me and fun for the pup.

I bought a course that should help me do my part-time job better (if I ever work again!). I’m working on that over this weekend. And I’m doing a lot of leisure reading. I want to finish these books.

Have a nice weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

 

I’m a toy that people enjoy

*******BREAKING NEWS******** Oh my fucking god! I passed the test!!! How the fuck? OMG. I passed. I needed a 70. I made a 73. WTF? I passed? OMG. I’m screaming right now. *&#^*

—————————

They are currently grading my exam. I might find out my results tomorrow. Or I may have to wait until Monday.  I think that’s what happened last time. I had to wait over the weekend. Fun times. I will probably put a breaking news update at the top of this entry IF I pass. lol. If I fail, I will be too despondent. I honestly don’t know how I will feel if I fail. I don’t think I will be depressed because I’m kind of expecting it.

Depo-Provera update: Well, I think it is slowly working. Overall, I’m not sure I would recommend Depo. Okay, I wouldn’t. It only worked for me because I work at home and don’t go out a lot. Depo would have destroyed my life if I had to go out a lot. I know that sounds dramatic, but that is how bad (heavy) my periods were.

I shouldn’t say were because I still get heavy periods from time to time, but it is not as bad as it used to be 5 weeks after I started the Depo. I’m getting my 3rd injection next month. I hope by then my period is completely gone. I didn’t gain weight from it or get depressed or crazy mood swings. Those were the things I was most afraid of. I had no idea heavy periods were even a side effect!

I wish I had an IUD inserted, but I didn’t want to deal with all that. But it would be nice not to have to go get an injection every 3 months.

It looks like I’m going to a Jehovah Witness Bible study on July 15. In case anyone is new, I’m agnostic. I used to consider myself an atheist, but I’m not one anymore. I don’t even know much about the JW religion even though M has been coming to my house for over a year. lol. Recently I’ve rarely seen her because I’m usually out on Saturdays.

About a month ago, she came to my house during a weekday while I was working! I was soo pissed. (not very spiritual). Don’t mess with my work or my sleep. 😉 I know she could tell I wasn’t thrilled she interrupted my work. I thought I would never see her again, but she came by this past weekend to invite me to Bible study so unless something comes up, I’m going. Since it is a Saturday, I don’t see anything coming up.

I like learning about other religions. I used to study religions for fun while I was growing up. I’m not excited about the Bible study, but it’ll only last 30 minutes. I’m open minded, and I probably need to get out more. I just go grocery shopping and to doctors these days.

I always say I don’t have friends, but I guess M could be a friend. I’m not into the whole friends thing, but intellectually and spiritually I know I can’t be isolated.

This week I…

Music of the week: Lorde, Halsey, Ellie Goulding, Shakira, Ed Sheeran, Little Mix, Alicia Keys, Ariana Grande

Lorde is freaking fantastic. I never knew that until now. Anyone can do ONE good album. But her sophomore album is possibly better than her debut.

TV of the week: Bloodline, NBA Draft

Direct TV Now made my life a little bit easier, and I’m so thankful because I was stressing out about the service. They noticed that I wasn’t using it during the free trial week so they sent me an email with a FREE 30 days. Yay! I’m planning on canceling it before the trial is over because of the lack of DVR service, and I don’t want to pay $50 a month. I do plan on signing up for Hulu TV Live by October. Why October? That’s when the NBA season starts.

If Direct TV Now, comes up with a DVR service (without raising the price) within the next two weeks, I will consider keeping the service. I know they are thinking about it and probably planning it. I doubt they add it in two weeks. I wish they would.

Movie of the week: I swear I’m going to finish Me Before You this weekend.

Books of the week: I finished reading The Rules Do Not Apply by Ariel Levy. It was an okay read. I gave it 4 stars on Goodreads which is better than okay. The more I think about it the more average it was.  I don’t know who I would recommend it to. Maybe people who love memoirs?

Now reading:

I don’t know if I’m going to finish the Manson Murders book. It is so long, and I don’t think I have enough time. As of right now, I’m going to try to finish it. Haven’t given up yet. I put too many books on hold at the library.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: I’m going grocery shopping at two stores in my borrowed maxi dress from LeTote. lol. I don’t like grocery shopping so anything I can do to amp myself up, I do it. I had a 5-month break from LeTote because I don’t go out much in the winter. But now I’m back.

Thanks to all the people who have used my Lyon + Post referral link! I can’t thank you enough. I was able to order two blouses this week with the money from the link. 🙂

Even if I don’t pass the test, I probably won’t study this weekend. I will come up with a study plan though. I plan to read “for fun” this weekend. I really want to make a dent in Helter Skelter. I have never even seen the movie.

Thanks for reading. May you have a great weekend! 🙂

I’m still a dreamer

This entry is going to be about my mom, and I haven’t typed much, and I already feel bad. This is going to be a judgemental entry. I’m judging her behavior. I’m just acknowledging my judgment. I know she’s my spiritual assignment and blah, blah. I was going to come here with my guns blazing and say she’s this and that. But I’ve since done my spiritual work (mainly A Course in Miracles), and I don’t even want to do this entry anymore.

But anyway…

This goes back to my birthday vacation and how different we are. On the first day, I thought, “Oh no! I’m so screwed”. But it actually all worked out. It wasn’t a bad trip at all. On the day we arrived, I wanted to go out to the local beach. She wanted to stay in. I couldn’t believe it. But I know her.

She would rather stay in on vacations and WATCH TV. I kid you not. We are so different. Like I said this end up being a good thing, but at the time, this kind of sucked. I was beating myself up for not going out by myself.

I just have to keep this in mind whenever we go on vacation together. My dog saved the trip too. Thank god he was there. 😉 Next year I don’t think we are going on vacation because I’m not sure I will able to afford Kripalu and a beach vacation. BUT if I can afford both, I will do it. We might do two nights at the beach for my birthday, and then I can do Kripalu with Gabby Bernstein in June or July.

Kripalu is so expensive because I want my own room. After being around people all day, I will want my own room. I’m an introvert after all. But I am considering a dorm or a roommate situation if I have to.

LOL. This entry was supposed to be a bashing entry, but I’m not even worried or concerned about it anymore. I’m over it.


I hate Depo-Provera right now, but I know it is teaching me patience OR it could be teaching me just to deal with my period and don’t try to stop it. Sigh. I don’t know which one it is. Should I stop the Depo after only two injections? Then what was the point of all this? I don’t want to give up just yet. The only side effect I have is a heavier and longer period, btw. bleh.

I wish I could try TMS therapy for depression. I already know of a doctor that can do it. But the insurance company won’t pay for it because I don’t fit ALL the criteria. I have been diagnosed with major depression (that’s good for insurance purposes). However, there are so many hoops. I think I’m going to ask my doctor about it next time I see him in June.

I’m not taking Abilify anymore after I run out of what I have (sometime in 2018 if it doesn’t expire before then) so I need to do something. I either need a new anti-depressant, or I need TMS. I don’t think any of the anti-depressants on the market will work for me. 😦 I know that’s the wrong attitude to have. Ideally, I would love not to take anything for depression or anxiety. But I tried that recently and it didn’t work.

I’m not giving up on not taking any meds. Nor am I 100% sure I want to go med-free. I’m currently researching so I can know what to do in 2018 when I run out of Abilify.