Find the courage to start over

**************BREAKING NEWS************** I am now off Abilify. I’m taking at least a two-week break because that is when I’m going to the doctor. I’ve been off Abilify for 3 days now. Don’t be shocked if I start blogging about suicide. I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen. I hope I don’t get depressed like I did last time I went off the drug. I also couldn’t eat until after 10AM last time.

Note to self: The last day I took Abilify was on Tuesday, November 28th.

I have an appointment on December 14th with my OB/GYN. I’m going to tell the doctor that Depo-Provera isn’t working for me. Last time she suggested adding another birth control to the DP (!!). But maybe I can switch to something totally different. Whatever works.

I just got back from my final dog training lesson. LOL. I’m not sure it was worth $200. This lesson lasted only 20 minutes (!!) because we couldn’t find any dogs. Well, we did find one owner with two dogs, and I was able to keep my dog from reacting. However, the problem is that the park I go to has narrow trails. I HAVE TO pass dogs in narrow spots, so I think this was a waste of money. Of course he is going to react to a dog that is very close to him.

I’m going to keep on trying though. It is so frustrating to consistently fail at something though. I may just give up one day. But for now, I’m going to keep on using the slip lead whenever we go to the park.

UGH! I was so sloppy with the job thing I mentioned in my last entry. I sent a bad cover letter just because I wanted to respond. Not a good idea. What if I really want to work for this company one day? Sloppy!! WTF was I thinking? I shouldn’t have responded at all. But I had this silly idea of “if it’s meant to be…” ugh! I’m disappointed in myself, to say the least.

On a better note, I watched Gabby Bernstein’s live stream last night and OMG I felt like I could conquer the world. I have to build on that. I did sign up for her new Judgement Detox course. Between Gabby Berstein and Marianne Williamson, I should be ready for the new year.

My issues are do I want to leave my job? Move?  I do want to move somewhere where snow isn’t an option. I love where I live (most of the time), but I hate the winter, and sometimes we get snow. I don’t like snow. I don’t want to deal with it. I need green pastures and warm weather. All. The. Time. 🙂

I have so many ideas. I wrote some of them down, and I probably will share them once I finish. I can live here and be content. Winter isn’t that bad. There are more important things like do I want to give up working from home for an office job or an outdoors job? I love working at home. Love it. I am willing to give it up for a job I feel passionate about.

Gabby inspired me so much last night. I could go on and on about all the ideas I have. I think my main thing is to concentrate on is a budget. In fact, I’m working on a budget for December tonight in my new binder. 😉

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Ke$ha, Paramore, Lorde, Pink, Shawn Mendes, Demi Lovato, Kelsea Ballerini, Kelly Clarkson

TV of the week: basketball, news, RHOA, Survivor

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week:  True Crime Garage, All In With Chris Hayes, The Rachel Maddow Show, Fresh Air, Wrongful Conviction (<–awesome podcast)

Books of the week: I’m focusing on reading What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton (great read and I’m not the biggest HRC supporter), Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Ed Tarkington and Be the Pack Leader: Use Cesar’s Way to Transform Your Dog and Your Life by Cesar Millan. I only have two days left to read Clinton’s book before it expires. 😦 I don’t think I’m going to finish.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Get To Work Book

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Plans for the Weekend: If I didn’t have packages to pick up from my mom, I wouldn’t have to drive anywhere this weekend. I don’t mind going to my mom’s house though. I’m off next Wednesday. I wish I was staying home, but I’m doing December 25th shopping. I just want to get it out of the way on a weekday when it won’t be so crowded.

The most important thing is that I have a test on Sunday morning. I have been delaying this test for weeks because I haven’t felt ready, but now I’m going to try to tackle it. On Saturday, I’m studying all day. What fun.

Tonight I’m taking a night off from studying since I had to go to dog training. I’m going to work on my budget and work on Gabby Berstein’s Judgement Detox course. She has a lot of worksheets I need to print out, so that is what I’ll be doing so I can just do the course without interruptions.

Have a great weekend! Thanks so much for reading. 🙂

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The cold hard truth

I had a lovely time at the park today. It was 61 degrees. I saw no dogs. No school kids. Not too many people either. Hallelujah! More walks like this, please.

I want to speak on loneliness. I am not lonely. I rarely feel it. I can’t remember the last time I felt alone. Yet, I’m alone most of the time. 90% of the time. I enjoy being alone. This is a hard concept for people to comprehend because they project their own feelings. People assume a person is angry about not having friends. You know what? It is quite the opposite. PEOPLE bring out the anger because people like me love to be alone. So when people disrupt that, we get pissed.

It is not the other way around. I’m not pissed because I don’t have friends. I’m angry when people are in my face. Okay? It’s only hard for people to understand because they lack the ability to place themselves in other people’s shoes.

I’m sort of ranting about this because of recent events of being around more people (at the park, in the neighborhood). But also due to reading Truly Madly Guilty by Liane Moriarty (Yes, it is fiction but…) and Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brene Brown. And I’ve been reading news accounts of loners.

People are totally missing the point. Some people truly want to be left alone. Not everyone is lonely just because they are alone.

/end rant

Now I’m going to rant about Depo-Provera. It’s just not working for me. I’ve had a period for the past 3 days. What happened to DP taking a period away? That’s why I’m on it in the first place!! I’ve been patient. More than patient. I’ve been on Depo for more than a year. I’m supposed to get my next injection at the beginning of January. I know I’m going to the GYN. It might be to get another shot or to try a different birth control.

I’m guessing I have fibroids even though I don’t have all the symptoms. I should have tried to find out whether I had fibroids, but I didn’t want to deal with all the doctor appointments. Getting the Depo injection is enough for me. Like I’ve said before, I wish getting an IUD was an option, but I’m not dealing with that pain. No way.

/end rant

I’m SO bummed to hear about Charlie Rose. I kind of idolized him. I thought he was so great. I used to watch his show all the time on PBS. He wasn’t just any journalist. He was great and asked thought-provoking questions. Sigh. I think a lot of allegations will come up in DC. I think politics will take a big hit when it comes to sexual harassment. No one will be surprised. Well, I’m kind of surprised that Al Franken was first. (I’m not counting Moore since he isn’t in DC yet).

Oh well. I gotta go. I’m supposed to be studying right now, but I had the urge to blog first. Now I’m going to study.

I don’t trust nobody

I signed up for the meditation class. Two hours after I signed up, I received an email about the class being postponed. 😦 I was really looking forward to attending. If they have the class again, I probably won’t go. Yesterday and this morning, I did a Gabby Bernstein Kundalini meditation for about 7 minutes. I don’t think I really need a class. I’m used to meditating. I kind of stopped doing it when I started A Couse in Miracles. So the issue is, do I meditate or do ACIM? That seems to be the issue.

I will eventually do both like I sort of did this morning at 5 AM.  I just don’t want to get up earlier. Simple as that. Btw, I haven’t gotten my refund for the class yet. argh. I hope I don’t have to email anyone. I hate that.

Demi Lovato is coming to DC on March 24!!! Um, someone wants to go. I’ve never seen her in concert. I have to get a good seat. I don’t do bad seats for most people (I did for Janet Jackson, and I’ll do it for Justin Timberlake to name a couple of exceptions). Demi fans are fanatics and as far as I know, I don’t have a way into the presale. It’s not looking good for me. I probably will try. No shit. But the seat must be on the floor and up front. MUST. Note to self: Tickets go on sale November 3rd.

Ugh. I just thought about this: Her concert will be during March Madness. That is my favorite time of year! I hate to miss a second of college basketball, but for Demi, I will.

I’m so over Depo-Provera. I’m off 4 days in December. I think I’m going to see my OB/GYN one of those days to see about maybe stopping Depo, or getting on another birth control method. I don’t need to go to the doctor if I just decide to quit Depo. That would be kind of nice because then I know there’s no chance of a pap smear.

The recent 20 days when I didn’t bleed at all were GREAT. It was such a relief. But now I’m back to bleeding. Not heavily. However, I don’t want to bleed at all. Isn’t that a strange concept? I might not be part of the 90% of women who stops getting a period while on Depo. How sad. 😦

Anyway, I will probably go back to the OB/GYN in mid-December IF I’m still bleeding. By then I will know that the Depo isn’t doing its job. So I’m basically giving Depo 1 month before I call to make an appointment. I don’t know why I want to be on BC. I should just go off it completely. Then I wouldn’t have to go to the OB/GYN until around May/June. But I don’t want to give up on Depo. I will take two types of birth control if I have to.

LOL! I just typed bitch control instead of birth control. I’m sure a lot of people think I need that. 😉 haha. I have Klonopin for that. I take it when I have to be around people.  Anyhow, no bleeding today. Small victory.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Shania Twain, Demi Lovato, Joan Osborne, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Halsey, Paula Cole, Ed Sheeran

TV of the week: Grey’s Anatomy, basketball, Survivor

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage, Fresh Air, Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations

I’m not naming all the podcasts I listened to this week because I can’t remember them all. Instead of watching the news at night, I’ve been listening to podcasts.

Books of the week: I finished  The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. I liked the TV series more, but the book was interesting. It gives a little more background info. I’m now focused on reading:

  • The Goddess: A Novel by Swan Huntley I was so in love with this book when I first started it, but now I want to save the main character. lol. I think she’s in trouble. It started off so great. Hawaii, yoga, and a lovely woman. Now I’m wondering about this woman. She might not be so cool. She might be a sociopath. Bummer. I actually wanted a nice love story when I usually hate those types of books.
  • Behold the Dreamers: A Novel by Imbolo Mbue

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Well, I was so excited for the meditation class.  No class so I’m going to the park as I have done every single day for the past 3-4 weeks. I haven’t done anything that consistently.

I thought my part-time project would have ended by now, but I think I’m going to work through Saturday. I’m not happy about that because I was supposed to take my test on Sunday. Not happening. I’m getting into the hard part of the course. As of today, I haven’t finished reading the chapter.

So I’m working and doing everything I didn’t get done during the week. I’m just so fun. I’m going to try to get back on my treadmill this weekend. My dog is the problem. But the universe told me (laugh if you must) to just put my dog in his crate while I work out. He gets into stuff if I just leave him be. And if I leave him outside he barks the whole time. I don’t mind that occasionally, but I don’t want him being a nuisance. I’m scared to see how he will react to being in his crate while I’m in the next room. I’m going to do it, though and report back.

Thanks for reading! Have a nice weekend. 🙂

Why do I keep looking back?

The leaves are turning colors and dropping from the trees, but it is so hot! Well, it is in the upper 80s, but it is very humid. I’m the last one to complain about it being hot. But’s it’s October, and I have this new vest I want to wear, and it’s too warm to wear it. Gah! It’s just weird with the leaves changing colors and all. I hope this means we will have a warm winter like last year. AND NO SNOW. Please!!! We did get snow last year. I hate snow and winter. Hate it.

I got my 4th Depo injection today.

Nurse: It is worth getting this shot to not get pregnant, right?

hahahahah. ROFL. Um, I don’t have to worry about EVER getting pregnant. Never have. Hopefully, never will. Too funny. 😉 Anyway, God, please let my period stop. Please. Last time I got the injection, the bleeding stop immediately. Today not so much. Bummer. It’s not heavy at all, but I’m on Depo-Provera, and I shouldn’t be getting my period. Well, I recently went 20 days straight without bleeding. What a concept! I believe Depo will work for me. I’m not going to continue to get injections if the bleeding doesn’t stop.

I’m glad Harvey Weinstein was fired. I feel bad for the women he abused and/or raped. What a monster. And people in Hollywood knew this. Did you read that Meryl Streep said she didn’t know??! I’m sorry, but what a liar. EVERYONE KNEW. Does she live in a cave in Hollywood? I’m serious. She didn’t know? WTF?! How could that go on so long and who else is doing the same thing? This must be stopped.

Oh and now Jennifer Lawerence is saying she didn’t know. How could she not know? I guess a lot of people will be added to this ‘I didn’t know’ list. So I’ll stop counting. I just find that hard to believe.

I have decided I’m not going to continue with Abilify after mid-December. That’s scary. The last time I went off Abilify I was so depressed. I couldn’t hold food down until after 10 AM. I wasn’t hungry most of the time. Maybe I will lose weight. I was just hopeless and sigh. It was really bad. So this will suck.

I don’t know what else to do. Abilify takes some inhibitions away. It leads me to be impulsive. I still say it is great for depression, though. I’ve got from now until December to come up with something.

Apparently, there’s no hope for me when it comes to depression. 😦 Unless I can get TMS somehow. I will ask my shrink about it in December. I will tell him EVERYTHING like he is a fucking counselor. He will get how Abilify (almost) ruined my life. I will take notes in even though I probably won’t have to use them. He knows Abilify makes 1 in 3 people impulsive. Yet he said nothing. FUCK him. But I wanted it. lol. It works, but I can’t take the side effects anymore. I’m done.

I was going to quit on my vacation this week, but who wants to be depressed on their week off? Besides it really wouldn’t hit until next week. Who wants to be depressed ever? *whines* I don’t know what to do, but I know for sure that I will stop taking Abilify. Btw, it can be stopped suddenly unlike most antidepressants.

In conclusion, I think I’m going to stop taking Abilify before seeing my shrink in December. That way I can describe how I felt and prove that I really do need SOMETHING. I just have to pick a date to stop. I may stop very soon as in this week because I know the depression won’t hit until a week or two later. I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay motivated for one job, much less two jobs. Double sigh.

Here is a short video explaining a little of what Abilify can cause:

I’m sure there are better videos on the topic, but I don’t want to watch them. I already know what Abilify can do from personal experience. I don’t like how he doesn’t say that Abilify actually works. The problem is the side effects. It can cure depression, schizophrenia, etc.

I’m enjoying my time off from my full-time job. So much to do and so little time to do it. Right now I want to take a break from everything and have a dance party for 20 minutes, so that is what I will do. Bye. 🙂

 

I’m in my zone

It’s not bonus time, but my boss gave me an extra $100 for doing good work at my full-time job.  Awesome. I wasn’t counting on that. Over the years, I would hear of others getting rewards, and I thought, “That’s never going to be me.”  Surprise! 🙂

Wow!! After I gushed over Justin Timberlake, he might be performing at the Super Bowl! Let everyone else be mad, but I’m so excited. I will not watch the football game since I’m still boycotting football because it kills people, BUT I will watch the halftime show if JT performs.

I really miss watching football. My weekends used to be planned around it. Maybe they will find a cure for CTE and even then, I’m not sure I’ll watch it. The NFL knew about CTE and didn’t tell the players or anyone. I should boycott the NFL forever because this is never going to change even if they find a cure. I have dreams of watching football (college and pro) 10 years from now after it doesn’t kill people. That isn’t realistic, though. The facts won’t ever change. People knew what it was doing to players, and they said nothing. Just keep making money while people are dying for sport.

#BoycottFootball

One more controversial thing: I guess people hate it when they realize most football players are black. Ha! Better not to think about it.

After one more week of work, I’m off from my full-time job for a full week. YAY! I usually only take off 3 days in October every year, so a full week sounds divine.

Depo-Provera update: And on the 21st day, I bled. $#@%! But it was light and only lasted one morning. However, that makes me think my period isn’t gone forever. I went 20 days without any bleeding which is the longest I’ve gone in about 6-8 months. I get my fourth Depo shot on October 10. I wish it didn’t have to be an ongoing thing. After a year of shots, I wish that would be it.

I should’ve gotten an IUD, but I’m scared of the pain of having it inserted.

On Tuesday we (my dog and I) went to the park and we saw NO ONE. It was glorious to have the whole park to ourselves. Actually this whole week we haven’t seen a ton of people. Weird. I’m not looking forward to this weekend. People will be back and dogs will be back. Bummer.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Justin Timberlake, Ke$ha, Demi Lovato, JoJo, Emeli Sande, India.Arie, *NSYNC, Bethany Dillion

TV of the week: I’ve been mostly binge-watching the Zach Adams trial. It’s gruesome and sad.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished reading The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo: A Novel by Taylor Jenkins Reid. I would never have read this without Jen from YouTube recommending it. I’m glad I gave it a chance, but I probably wouldn’t recommend it to someone unless they love fiction. I gave it four stars on Goodreads. I may read Reid’s other books. Right now my “to read” list is too long so maybe next year I will get to her.

I’m now reading What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship, and Love by Carole Radziwill.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: I’m planning on working and taking my test for chapter 4. Chapter 4 is so arduous. It’s boring, so that makes me not want to take the test because I know it will take forever.  I made an 88 on my last test, and it only took 22 minutes. This test will probably take 2 hours. I’m not looking forward to it.

I hope I have part-time work all weekend. I know I have work for tonight. Working on a Friday night is super fun! No sarcasm. 😉 Friday nights aren’t that special to me. I was considering going to see the Washington Wizards practice tonight. I went last year and didn’t work at my part-time job. But this year, I’m choosing work. It’s the end of the month, and I need the money. We get paid on October 15th for the work we did this month.

Maybe I’ll see the Wizards next year.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

Making up the moves as I go

Great news…for now. Why can’t I believe in myself more? This is about the part-time job. I got the go-ahead to go and work as much as I want! Scary. I did enough auditing correctly so they feel I can work without feedback. Oh god.  I used to work a lot when I was doing something different than auditing others. But auditing is hard, and I’m so scared, so it takes me hours to do very few things. PLUS, I still have to maintain 95% accuracy. It may as well be 100%. What’s the difference? I can only get one thing wrong…maybe.

High expectations. I’m just going to take my time and ask questions. I need the money, so I’m going to work my ass off.

I really need to workout more. Or change my eating habits. Or both. I gained 9 pounds in exactly one year. 😦 I know this because I weighed myself on September 17 of last year. I’m not that obsessed about it. Obviously (or maybe I would do something about it). I don’t know how much Depo-Provera adds to the weight gain. I don’t think it has much effect.

Anyway, I’ve been walking about 1.5 miles at the park every single day for almost 3 weeks. According to my phone, I walk about 3 miles per hour which isn’t that fast, but not slow at all. Apparently, that has no effect. I haven’t lost weight. Hmmm. It could be the Depo. I probably need to get back on my treadmill regularly. And I’m going to start back up doing the 15-minute workout during my lunch break. I like it because it has cardio and weightlifting.

Speaking of Depo-Provera. No bleeding. I’m so ecstatic about it. Well, I’m hesitantly happy. Anything could change. If I never get my period again, would the Depo be worth it? YES!!! But only because I work from home. I can’t imagine bleeding for 3 months straight and working outside the home. That would’ve been a pain in the ass. For this reason, I wouldn’t recommend Depo to others. Only to people who don’t have to work outside the home because the side effects can be wild.

I also can’t imagine being in a sexual relationship while being on Depo. I’m so glad I didn’t have to worry about that. So just say NO to Depo unless you don’t have to work outside the house and are not in a sexual relationship. I can’t speak on the other side effects like hair loss and mood swings.

Speaking of sexual relationships or the lack thereof, I watched 45 minutes of the Emmys (the middle part), and I was half asleep, but I heard a winner go up and say something like LGBTA. Holla! He gave asexuals a shout out on primetime TV. I almost jumped out of bed. lol.  Of course, most people have no clue what the “A” stands for. Whatevs. He said it! Thank you. 🙂

Well, I should be working my ass off or studying for my course. That’s my life these days. And I’m mostly thankful.

Dreaming is free

Oops! I did it again.  I signed up for a certification course. If I pass, this will be my THIRD certification. I will have a lot of letters after my name. I’m not taking the test until September 2018. So I have a lot of time to take the course and study before I take the exam. I have a career plan all worked out in my head with this certification, but who knows what will happen.

I had to sign up. This was a special price ($300 off). Plus, they threw in a free textbook! They never do that. I hope I can still make it to Kripalu next May since I spent a lot on the course. I have the flight covered. I’m just a little concerned about room and board.

I just knew we weren’t getting a bonus this quarter. But we are!! YAY. It isn’t thousands or even a thousand dollars. But I need all the help I can get so I’m happy.

What else is making me happy? I have occasionally been driving my dog to the park near us. Well, now I found a shortcut that doesn’t involve a car. All I have to do is walk to the park. It is less than a 5-minute walk from my house!! How could I not know that after living here for over 4 years? Don’t ask. We have been going daily after I get off of work. How awesome is that? I love it. Of course, my dog wants to stay for hours, but we only stay for about 15 minutes on weekdays. On the weekend, I plan to stay longer.

My dad is coming back to the United States. This time for good. 😦 He went back overseas for 2 months, and now he is coming back this weekend. Just to be clear, the sad face is because he is going to be living with my mom. So when I take her to the store, he has to go too. I hate driving “strangers” around. I have to take medicine, and it’s just not a good situation.

Depo-Provera update: I was just about to say the bleeding stop. But it started back up today. Compared to what it used to be, this is nothing. I’m grateful for that. I lost 1.5 pounds, so I don’t think I’m gaining weight due to DP.

This week I…

Music of the week: Shawn Mendes, Lorde, Hannah Trigwell, Paramore, Jem, Lana Del Rey, Lea Michele, Robyn

TV of the week: Big Brother, Thirteen Reasons Why

I’ve had 13 Reasons Why on my ‘to be read’ list FOREVER. I never got to it. I decided to finally watch the series this week. It starts off slow, but it’s a really good show. I wouldn’t recommend suicidal teens watch it. Or any teens when I think about how tough junior high and high school was for me. It made me go back to my suicidal days (not that long ago). For the longest time, I wanted to publish this manifesto of all the people who wronged me. How they contributed to my suicide. I never wrote it. But I thought about it a lot. I think I was going to mail it to a bunch of newspapers.

But now I’m in a better place. Most of the time. 😉

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week:

I finished reading two travel guides on The Dominican Republic. Very helpful. But I still feel a bit lost. At least I have a place to stay (see entry below). I will probably just stay there and walk to the private beach and to the small “town”. I just want a feel of the DR. That’s the one thing I really liked about my Mexico trip. I didn’t do the tourist thing. I stayed where the locals lived.

Trudy Scott (author of The Anti-Anxiety Food Solution) is your typical food snob. No gluten. No processed foods. YET, she says it is okay to eat sardines. Sardines from a can! Yes, LOL. So I’ve been eating sardines for lunch on most days. Fish is good for the body…even sardines. Besides, it was better than what I was eating before. I’m so glad she gave me that idea.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: The park! We (my dog and I) might go Sunday morning around 7 or 8 AM and stay for an hour. It depends on when my dad is coming back because he will want to go grocery shopping immediately. Right now he is in France. How cool. I wish I were in France. Anyway, I’m not starting my course until I get my textbook. I probably won’t seriously start until the weekend of the 26th.

I might mow my lawn this weekend. I’m trying to wait until next week because I’m off on Thursday and Friday. On Thursday I have a doctor’s appointment to check my iron levels. I have been taking iron pills, but not the ones she recommended because I can’t swallow pills (and they can’t be crushed).

Well, I have to go cook for the week. blah. I hate “cooking” even though all I do is bake a bunch of chicken for the week. How hard is that?

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂