I don’t trust nobody

I signed up for the meditation class. Two hours after I signed up, I received an email about the class being postponed. 😦 I was really looking forward to attending. If they have the class again, I probably won’t go. Yesterday and this morning, I did a Gabby Bernstein Kundalini meditation for about 7 minutes. I don’t think I really need a class. I’m used to meditating. I kind of stopped doing it when I started A Couse in Miracles. So the issue is, do I meditate or do ACIM? That seems to be the issue.

I will eventually do both like I sort of did this morning at 5 AM.  I just don’t want to get up earlier. Simple as that. Btw, I haven’t gotten my refund for the class yet. argh. I hope I don’t have to email anyone. I hate that.

Demi Lovato is coming to DC on March 24!!! Um, someone wants to go. I’ve never seen her in concert. I have to get a good seat. I don’t do bad seats for most people (I did for Janet Jackson, and I’ll do it for Justin Timberlake to name a couple of exceptions). Demi fans are fanatics and as far as I know, I don’t have a way into the presale. It’s not looking good for me. I probably will try. No shit. But the seat must be on the floor and up front. MUST. Note to self: Tickets go on sale November 3rd.

Ugh. I just thought about this: Her concert will be during March Madness. That is my favorite time of year! I hate to miss a second of college basketball, but for Demi, I will.

I’m so over Depo-Provera. I’m off 4 days in December. I think I’m going to see my OB/GYN one of those days to see about maybe stopping Depo, or getting on another birth control method. I don’t need to go to the doctor if I just decide to quit Depo. That would be kind of nice because then I know there’s no chance of a pap smear.

The recent 20 days when I didn’t bleed at all were GREAT. It was such a relief. But now I’m back to bleeding. Not heavily. However, I don’t want to bleed at all. Isn’t that a strange concept? I might not be part of the 90% of women who stops getting a period while on Depo. How sad. 😦

Anyway, I will probably go back to the OB/GYN in mid-December IF I’m still bleeding. By then I will know that the Depo isn’t doing its job. So I’m basically giving Depo 1 month before I call to make an appointment. I don’t know why I want to be on BC. I should just go off it completely. Then I wouldn’t have to go to the OB/GYN until around May/June. But I don’t want to give up on Depo. I will take two types of birth control if I have to.

LOL! I just typed bitch control instead of birth control. I’m sure a lot of people think I need that. 😉 haha. I have Klonopin for that. I take it when I have to be around people.  Anyhow, no bleeding today. Small victory.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Shania Twain, Demi Lovato, Joan Osborne, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Halsey, Paula Cole, Ed Sheeran

TV of the week: Grey’s Anatomy, basketball, Survivor

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage, Fresh Air, Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations

I’m not naming all the podcasts I listened to this week because I can’t remember them all. Instead of watching the news at night, I’ve been listening to podcasts.

Books of the week: I finished  The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. I liked the TV series more, but the book was interesting. It gives a little more background info. I’m now focused on reading:

  • The Goddess: A Novel by Swan Huntley I was so in love with this book when I first started it, but now I want to save the main character. lol. I think she’s in trouble. It started off so great. Hawaii, yoga, and a lovely woman. Now I’m wondering about this woman. She might not be so cool. She might be a sociopath. Bummer. I actually wanted a nice love story when I usually hate those types of books.
  • Behold the Dreamers: A Novel by Imbolo Mbue

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Well, I was so excited for the meditation class.  No class so I’m going to the park as I have done every single day for the past 3-4 weeks. I haven’t done anything that consistently.

I thought my part-time project would have ended by now, but I think I’m going to work through Saturday. I’m not happy about that because I was supposed to take my test on Sunday. Not happening. I’m getting into the hard part of the course. As of today, I haven’t finished reading the chapter.

So I’m working and doing everything I didn’t get done during the week. I’m just so fun. I’m going to try to get back on my treadmill this weekend. My dog is the problem. But the universe told me (laugh if you must) to just put my dog in his crate while I work out. He gets into stuff if I just leave him be. And if I leave him outside he barks the whole time. I don’t mind that occasionally, but I don’t want him being a nuisance. I’m scared to see how he will react to being in his crate while I’m in the next room. I’m going to do it, though and report back.

Thanks for reading! Have a nice weekend. 🙂

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Why do I keep looking back?

The leaves are turning colors and dropping from the trees, but it is so hot! Well, it is in the upper 80s, but it is very humid. I’m the last one to complain about it being hot. But’s it’s October, and I have this new vest I want to wear, and it’s too warm to wear it. Gah! It’s just weird with the leaves changing colors and all. I hope this means we will have a warm winter like last year. AND NO SNOW. Please!!! We did get snow last year. I hate snow and winter. Hate it.

I got my 4th Depo injection today.

Nurse: It is worth getting this shot to not get pregnant, right?

hahahahah. ROFL. Um, I don’t have to worry about EVER getting pregnant. Never have. Hopefully, never will. Too funny. 😉 Anyway, God, please let my period stop. Please. Last time I got the injection, the bleeding stop immediately. Today not so much. Bummer. It’s not heavy at all, but I’m on Depo-Provera, and I shouldn’t be getting my period. Well, I recently went 20 days straight without bleeding. What a concept! I believe Depo will work for me. I’m not going to continue to get injections if the bleeding doesn’t stop.

I’m glad Harvey Weinstein was fired. I feel bad for the women he abused and/or raped. What a monster. And people in Hollywood knew this. Did you read that Meryl Streep said she didn’t know??! I’m sorry, but what a liar. EVERYONE KNEW. Does she live in a cave in Hollywood? I’m serious. She didn’t know? WTF?! How could that go on so long and who else is doing the same thing? This must be stopped.

Oh and now Jennifer Lawerence is saying she didn’t know. How could she not know? I guess a lot of people will be added to this ‘I didn’t know’ list. So I’ll stop counting. I just find that hard to believe.

I have decided I’m not going to continue with Abilify after mid-December. That’s scary. The last time I went off Abilify I was so depressed. I couldn’t hold food down until after 10 AM. I wasn’t hungry most of the time. Maybe I will lose weight. I was just hopeless and sigh. It was really bad. So this will suck.

I don’t know what else to do. Abilify takes some inhibitions away. It leads me to be impulsive. I still say it is great for depression, though. I’ve got from now until December to come up with something.

Apparently, there’s no hope for me when it comes to depression. 😦 Unless I can get TMS somehow. I will ask my shrink about it in December. I will tell him EVERYTHING like he is a fucking counselor. He will get how Abilify (almost) ruined my life. I will take notes in even though I probably won’t have to use them. He knows Abilify makes 1 in 3 people impulsive. Yet he said nothing. FUCK him. But I wanted it. lol. It works, but I can’t take the side effects anymore. I’m done.

I was going to quit on my vacation this week, but who wants to be depressed on their week off? Besides it really wouldn’t hit until next week. Who wants to be depressed ever? *whines* I don’t know what to do, but I know for sure that I will stop taking Abilify. Btw, it can be stopped suddenly unlike most antidepressants.

In conclusion, I think I’m going to stop taking Abilify before seeing my shrink in December. That way I can describe how I felt and prove that I really do need SOMETHING. I just have to pick a date to stop. I may stop very soon as in this week because I know the depression won’t hit until a week or two later. I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay motivated for one job, much less two jobs. Double sigh.

Here is a short video explaining a little of what Abilify can cause:

I’m sure there are better videos on the topic, but I don’t want to watch them. I already know what Abilify can do from personal experience. I don’t like how he doesn’t say that Abilify actually works. The problem is the side effects. It can cure depression, schizophrenia, etc.

I’m enjoying my time off from my full-time job. So much to do and so little time to do it. Right now I want to take a break from everything and have a dance party for 20 minutes, so that is what I will do. Bye. 🙂

 

I’m in my zone

It’s not bonus time, but my boss gave me an extra $100 for doing good work at my full-time job.  Awesome. I wasn’t counting on that. Over the years, I would hear of others getting rewards, and I thought, “That’s never going to be me.”  Surprise! 🙂

Wow!! After I gushed over Justin Timberlake, he might be performing at the Super Bowl! Let everyone else be mad, but I’m so excited. I will not watch the football game since I’m still boycotting football because it kills people, BUT I will watch the halftime show if JT performs.

I really miss watching football. My weekends used to be planned around it. Maybe they will find a cure for CTE and even then, I’m not sure I’ll watch it. The NFL knew about CTE and didn’t tell the players or anyone. I should boycott the NFL forever because this is never going to change even if they find a cure. I have dreams of watching football (college and pro) 10 years from now after it doesn’t kill people. That isn’t realistic, though. The facts won’t ever change. People knew what it was doing to players, and they said nothing. Just keep making money while people are dying for sport.

#BoycottFootball

One more controversial thing: I guess people hate it when they realize most football players are black. Ha! Better not to think about it.

After one more week of work, I’m off from my full-time job for a full week. YAY! I usually only take off 3 days in October every year, so a full week sounds divine.

Depo-Provera update: And on the 21st day, I bled. $#@%! But it was light and only lasted one morning. However, that makes me think my period isn’t gone forever. I went 20 days without any bleeding which is the longest I’ve gone in about 6-8 months. I get my fourth Depo shot on October 10. I wish it didn’t have to be an ongoing thing. After a year of shots, I wish that would be it.

I should’ve gotten an IUD, but I’m scared of the pain of having it inserted.

On Tuesday we (my dog and I) went to the park and we saw NO ONE. It was glorious to have the whole park to ourselves. Actually this whole week we haven’t seen a ton of people. Weird. I’m not looking forward to this weekend. People will be back and dogs will be back. Bummer.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Justin Timberlake, Ke$ha, Demi Lovato, JoJo, Emeli Sande, India.Arie, *NSYNC, Bethany Dillion

TV of the week: I’ve been mostly binge-watching the Zach Adams trial. It’s gruesome and sad.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished reading The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo: A Novel by Taylor Jenkins Reid. I would never have read this without Jen from YouTube recommending it. I’m glad I gave it a chance, but I probably wouldn’t recommend it to someone unless they love fiction. I gave it four stars on Goodreads. I may read Reid’s other books. Right now my “to read” list is too long so maybe next year I will get to her.

I’m now reading What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship, and Love by Carole Radziwill.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: I’m planning on working and taking my test for chapter 4. Chapter 4 is so arduous. It’s boring, so that makes me not want to take the test because I know it will take forever.  I made an 88 on my last test, and it only took 22 minutes. This test will probably take 2 hours. I’m not looking forward to it.

I hope I have part-time work all weekend. I know I have work for tonight. Working on a Friday night is super fun! No sarcasm. 😉 Friday nights aren’t that special to me. I was considering going to see the Washington Wizards practice tonight. I went last year and didn’t work at my part-time job. But this year, I’m choosing work. It’s the end of the month, and I need the money. We get paid on October 15th for the work we did this month.

Maybe I’ll see the Wizards next year.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

Making up the moves as I go

Great news…for now. Why can’t I believe in myself more? This is about the part-time job. I got the go-ahead to go and work as much as I want! Scary. I did enough auditing correctly so they feel I can work without feedback. Oh god.  I used to work a lot when I was doing something different than auditing others. But auditing is hard, and I’m so scared, so it takes me hours to do very few things. PLUS, I still have to maintain 95% accuracy. It may as well be 100%. What’s the difference? I can only get one thing wrong…maybe.

High expectations. I’m just going to take my time and ask questions. I need the money, so I’m going to work my ass off.

I really need to workout more. Or change my eating habits. Or both. I gained 9 pounds in exactly one year. 😦 I know this because I weighed myself on September 17 of last year. I’m not that obsessed about it. Obviously (or maybe I would do something about it). I don’t know how much Depo-Provera adds to the weight gain. I don’t think it has much effect.

Anyway, I’ve been walking about 1.5 miles at the park every single day for almost 3 weeks. According to my phone, I walk about 3 miles per hour which isn’t that fast, but not slow at all. Apparently, that has no effect. I haven’t lost weight. Hmmm. It could be the Depo. I probably need to get back on my treadmill regularly. And I’m going to start back up doing the 15-minute workout during my lunch break. I like it because it has cardio and weightlifting.

Speaking of Depo-Provera. No bleeding. I’m so ecstatic about it. Well, I’m hesitantly happy. Anything could change. If I never get my period again, would the Depo be worth it? YES!!! But only because I work from home. I can’t imagine bleeding for 3 months straight and working outside the home. That would’ve been a pain in the ass. For this reason, I wouldn’t recommend Depo to others. Only to people who don’t have to work outside the home because the side effects can be wild.

I also can’t imagine being in a sexual relationship while being on Depo. I’m so glad I didn’t have to worry about that. So just say NO to Depo unless you don’t have to work outside the house and are not in a sexual relationship. I can’t speak on the other side effects like hair loss and mood swings.

Speaking of sexual relationships or the lack thereof, I watched 45 minutes of the Emmys (the middle part), and I was half asleep, but I heard a winner go up and say something like LGBTA. Holla! He gave asexuals a shout out on primetime TV. I almost jumped out of bed. lol.  Of course, most people have no clue what the “A” stands for. Whatevs. He said it! Thank you. 🙂

Well, I should be working my ass off or studying for my course. That’s my life these days. And I’m mostly thankful.

Dreaming is free

Oops! I did it again.  I signed up for a certification course. If I pass, this will be my THIRD certification. I will have a lot of letters after my name. I’m not taking the test until September 2018. So I have a lot of time to take the course and study before I take the exam. I have a career plan all worked out in my head with this certification, but who knows what will happen.

I had to sign up. This was a special price ($300 off). Plus, they threw in a free textbook! They never do that. I hope I can still make it to Kripalu next May since I spent a lot on the course. I have the flight covered. I’m just a little concerned about room and board.

I just knew we weren’t getting a bonus this quarter. But we are!! YAY. It isn’t thousands or even a thousand dollars. But I need all the help I can get so I’m happy.

What else is making me happy? I have occasionally been driving my dog to the park near us. Well, now I found a shortcut that doesn’t involve a car. All I have to do is walk to the park. It is less than a 5-minute walk from my house!! How could I not know that after living here for over 4 years? Don’t ask. We have been going daily after I get off of work. How awesome is that? I love it. Of course, my dog wants to stay for hours, but we only stay for about 15 minutes on weekdays. On the weekend, I plan to stay longer.

My dad is coming back to the United States. This time for good. 😦 He went back overseas for 2 months, and now he is coming back this weekend. Just to be clear, the sad face is because he is going to be living with my mom. So when I take her to the store, he has to go too. I hate driving “strangers” around. I have to take medicine, and it’s just not a good situation.

Depo-Provera update: I was just about to say the bleeding stop. But it started back up today. Compared to what it used to be, this is nothing. I’m grateful for that. I lost 1.5 pounds, so I don’t think I’m gaining weight due to DP.

This week I…

Music of the week: Shawn Mendes, Lorde, Hannah Trigwell, Paramore, Jem, Lana Del Rey, Lea Michele, Robyn

TV of the week: Big Brother, Thirteen Reasons Why

I’ve had 13 Reasons Why on my ‘to be read’ list FOREVER. I never got to it. I decided to finally watch the series this week. It starts off slow, but it’s a really good show. I wouldn’t recommend suicidal teens watch it. Or any teens when I think about how tough junior high and high school was for me. It made me go back to my suicidal days (not that long ago). For the longest time, I wanted to publish this manifesto of all the people who wronged me. How they contributed to my suicide. I never wrote it. But I thought about it a lot. I think I was going to mail it to a bunch of newspapers.

But now I’m in a better place. Most of the time. 😉

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week:

I finished reading two travel guides on The Dominican Republic. Very helpful. But I still feel a bit lost. At least I have a place to stay (see entry below). I will probably just stay there and walk to the private beach and to the small “town”. I just want a feel of the DR. That’s the one thing I really liked about my Mexico trip. I didn’t do the tourist thing. I stayed where the locals lived.

Trudy Scott (author of The Anti-Anxiety Food Solution) is your typical food snob. No gluten. No processed foods. YET, she says it is okay to eat sardines. Sardines from a can! Yes, LOL. So I’ve been eating sardines for lunch on most days. Fish is good for the body…even sardines. Besides, it was better than what I was eating before. I’m so glad she gave me that idea.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: The park! We (my dog and I) might go Sunday morning around 7 or 8 AM and stay for an hour. It depends on when my dad is coming back because he will want to go grocery shopping immediately. Right now he is in France. How cool. I wish I were in France. Anyway, I’m not starting my course until I get my textbook. I probably won’t seriously start until the weekend of the 26th.

I might mow my lawn this weekend. I’m trying to wait until next week because I’m off on Thursday and Friday. On Thursday I have a doctor’s appointment to check my iron levels. I have been taking iron pills, but not the ones she recommended because I can’t swallow pills (and they can’t be crushed).

Well, I have to go cook for the week. blah. I hate “cooking” even though all I do is bake a bunch of chicken for the week. How hard is that?

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

I hear sounds in my mind

I don’t know where to start. That’s a great first sentence for a post. lol. Not a lot of big things are happening. I just want to do a few updates.

Job(s) update: FT job is still stressful, but today was pretty good. Re: the part-time job – We don’t have as much work because companies are sending their work overseas. 😦 I knew this was happening, but I didn’t know it was affecting the company I work for that badly.

Anyway, I should have work in about 2 weeks. People with more experience are working now. Us newbies have to wait. There are still opportunities and I’m glad I’m working with this company. However, I don’t think I’m going to invest in this career further. I was considering getting a THIRD certification. That’s a couple of thousands of dollars I would have to invest.

A course is starting next week with a discount for a few days in the certification I want, and of course, I’m tempted to sign up. But ugh, I just finished studying and taking a certification exam. Do I REALLY want to spend time and money on another certification right now? I think I will pass on the discounted price and wait until I really know I will receive a return on my investment.

Depo-Provera update: UGH. The bleeding started back on Wednesday. Great. I hope it is only temporary or I might call the doctor. It’s not really heavy, so that’s a good thing. I think I might be at the beginning of gaining weight due to the Depo. I won’t know for sure until a few weeks. Many women start gaining after the 3rd shot, so no shock there.

Other than that, things are going great with the Depo. 😉 More on this later.

List time! I love lists. Obvs. I made a list of things I really want. I think it’s accurate. I came up with this list in my paper journal pretty quickly so I might have left a few things off.  I left two private things off the following list. These wants are in no particular order:

  1. A private island in a warm climate.
  2. No debt.
  3. A good relationship with food.
  4. A carefree job where I feel confident.
  5. A consistent spiritual practice.
  6. To be all around healthy.
  7. To forgive my past tormentors.

I have nothing to add right now. Just sharing.

This week I…

Music of the week: Jillette Johnson, Lorde, Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, Julia Michaels, Ariana Grande, John Mayer, Lana Del Rey

Song of the week: Lorde – Perfect Places

 

TV of the week: Big Brother, Pretty Little Liars

I’m so glad PLL is finally over. It got so bad at the end. Horrible. I quit watching Empire during the second season. I just don’t care what happens to these millionaires. And the music was horrible. Music is subjective, so I’ll just say I didn’t like the music. I hate saying that because Timbaland is the executive music producer. But whatever.  I started watching Empire because so many people were talking about it and I’m a fan of Gabourey Sidibe. But she wasn’t on the show enough for me. I should probably read Gabby’s book. I don’t know much about it. I just heard it was good.

/end tangent

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week:

I’m trying to focus on the following books –

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Why do I even have this section? It’s not like I do anything fun on most weekends. LOL. Anyway, I’m just going grocery shopping and enjoying my free time. I am preparing to work at my part time job. It’s kind of hard to prepare without work, but I have some old coursework I can do. I’m trying to get really good at it so I can always have work despite a lot of work being moved overseas.

Thanks for reading! Have a wonderful weekend. 🙂

For me to bleed

It was glorious. For a little over 24 hours, I didn’t bleed. It was pure joy. Not even the fucked up “meeting” on Tuesday could ruin my mood because hello, I had stopped bleeding.

Now the bleeding is back (so far it isn’t heavy which is good). The Depo Provera injection stopped my bleeding immediately. I was shocked. How could that happen? I was bleeding heavily before the injection, and then it just stopped. I guess it doesn’t matter now because I’m back to bleeding.

Needless to say, I can’t wait until my body gets back to normal. The nurse said to call within a couple of weeks if I’m still bleeding. LOL. I will wait for 4-6 weeks before I call the nurse/doctor. That is how I roll. I don’t like calling people, so I’m going to wait as long as possible.

The nurse said she would prescribe me a birth control pill to stop the bleeding. ROFL. Another birth control method? Well, great. I didn’t know I was bleeding due to lack of estrogen or something like that. I recently found this great article on Depo-Provera. It’s called What to Expect During Your First Year of Depo Provera Use. I wish I had known this before now. I thought I did my research, but I wasn’t searching for the right things.

I still would have tried Depo if I had read that article because everyone is different and a third of women stop getting their period after the 3rd injection. I just got my 3rd injection on Tuesday. I don’t think I will be part of the 1/3. 😦

UPDATE: Well, the bleeding stopped for another 24 hours. Thank you, Universe!! Maybe it will just be sporadic? I’ll take that over bleeding for 3 months straight. I had to update this post because this is great news for me. Maybe I won’t have to call the doctor. Yes!

The “meeting.” It was like a freaking cocktail party. Not that I would know what a cocktail party is like. I’ve never been to any kind of party. It was a nightmare. It was everything I feared. How could D invite me to that type of event when she knows I’ve always said, “I don’t like people.” Today I would not say that about people. Thanks to A Course in Miracles and other spiritual work.

However, I’m still scared of people. They terrify me. So don’t ask me to go somewhere with a bunch of people just to save your ass. I just wanted to get out of there. I don’t even know what more to say about it. It’s over now. I’m never going back.

Job(s) update: I haven’t heard back about the full-time job I interviewed for. They aren’t starting people until mid-August, but I don’t have a lot of faith that I will get an offer. The good news (I guess?) is that the interviewer got my thank you email. Well, the email didn’t come back to me.

I’m still waiting for part-time work. She said it would come this week or next. I’m still enjoying my free time. Long naps after work and lots of reading. Soaking it in.

This week I…

Music of the week: Linkin Park,  Mariah Carey, Elle Varner, Lorde, Marren Morris, Demi Lovato, Bethany Dillon, Ellie Goulding

I’m so sad over Chester’s suicide. 😦 I grew up listening to Linkin Park. I’m still in shock, I guess. So sad for his friends and family.

Song of the week: Linkin Park – Numb

TV of the week: Big Brother, Switched at Birth

I canceled Direct TV Now. I currently have Hulu Live TV. It’s definitely in the beta stages. I like it because it has a DVR. Right now I’m only recording 1 show.  I only watch the news. But when basketball comes back around, I will probably use it almost daily.

Movie of the week: I started watching Where to Invade Next. I might finish it this weekend. This is for people that believe AMERICA IS #1!!!!!!!!!!1!1!!!. That’s not me.

Books of the week: I finished reading No One Cares About Crazy People: The Chaos and Heartbreak of Mental Health in America by Ron Powers. Great book, but I’ve read similar books and skipped over some of the history of mental health parts.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Maybe working at my part time job? Not sure. I’m definitely going grocery shopping. I finished my course last weekend. Yay! I’m just doing the usual. No big plans.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful weekend! 🙂