Dreaming is free

Oops! I did it again.  I signed up for a certification course. If I pass, this will be my THIRD certification. I will have a lot of letters after my name. I’m not taking the test until September 2018. So I have a lot of time to take the course and study before I take the exam. I have a career plan all worked out in my head with this certification, but who knows what will happen.

I had to sign up. This was a special price ($300 off). Plus, they threw in a free textbook! They never do that. I hope I can still make it to Kripalu next May since I spent a lot on the course. I have the flight covered. I’m just a little concerned about room and board.

I just knew we weren’t getting a bonus this quarter. But we are!! YAY. It isn’t thousands or even a thousand dollars. But I need all the help I can get so I’m happy.

What else is making me happy? I have occasionally been driving my dog to the park near us. Well, now I found a shortcut that doesn’t involve a car. All I have to do is walk to the park. It is less than a 5-minute walk from my house!! How could I not know that after living here for over 4 years? Don’t ask. We have been going daily after I get off of work. How awesome is that? I love it. Of course, my dog wants to stay for hours, but we only stay for about 15 minutes on weekdays. On the weekend, I plan to stay longer.

My dad is coming back to the United States. This time for good. 😦 He went back overseas for 2 months, and now he is coming back this weekend. Just to be clear, the sad face is because he is going to be living with my mom. So when I take her to the store, he has to go too. I hate driving “strangers” around. I have to take medicine, and it’s just not a good situation.

Depo-Provera update: I was just about to say the bleeding stop. But it started back up today. Compared to what it used to be, this is nothing. I’m grateful for that. I lost 1.5 pounds, so I don’t think I’m gaining weight due to DP.

This week I…

Music of the week: Shawn Mendes, Lorde, Hannah Trigwell, Paramore, Jem, Lana Del Rey, Lea Michele, Robyn

TV of the week: Big Brother, Thirteen Reasons Why

I’ve had 13 Reasons Why on my ‘to be read’ list FOREVER. I never got to it. I decided to finally watch the series this week. It starts off slow, but it’s a really good show. I wouldn’t recommend suicidal teens watch it. Or any teens when I think about how tough junior high and high school was for me. It made me go back to my suicidal days (not that long ago). For the longest time, I wanted to publish this manifesto of all the people who wronged me. How they contributed to my suicide. I never wrote it. But I thought about it a lot. I think I was going to mail it to a bunch of newspapers.

But now I’m in a better place. Most of the time. 😉

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week:

I finished reading two travel guides on The Dominican Republic. Very helpful. But I still feel a bit lost. At least I have a place to stay (see entry below). I will probably just stay there and walk to the private beach and to the small “town”. I just want a feel of the DR. That’s the one thing I really liked about my Mexico trip. I didn’t do the tourist thing. I stayed where the locals lived.

Trudy Scott (author of The Anti-Anxiety Food Solution) is your typical food snob. No gluten. No processed foods. YET, she says it is okay to eat sardines. Sardines from a can! Yes, LOL. So I’ve been eating sardines for lunch on most days. Fish is good for the body…even sardines. Besides, it was better than what I was eating before. I’m so glad she gave me that idea.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

DSCN0484

Plans for the Weekend: The park! We (my dog and I) might go Sunday morning around 7 or 8 AM and stay for an hour. It depends on when my dad is coming back because he will want to go grocery shopping immediately. Right now he is in France. How cool. I wish I were in France. Anyway, I’m not starting my course until I get my textbook. I probably won’t seriously start until the weekend of the 26th.

I might mow my lawn this weekend. I’m trying to wait until next week because I’m off on Thursday and Friday. On Thursday I have a doctor’s appointment to check my iron levels. I have been taking iron pills, but not the ones she recommended because I can’t swallow pills (and they can’t be crushed).

Well, I have to go cook for the week. blah. I hate “cooking” even though all I do is bake a bunch of chicken for the week. How hard is that?

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

A second opinion

OB/GYN office: Do you want to get a second opinion from a surgeon?

HUH? What? Why are these people scaring me? I already think I have something because no one is this tired all the time. Could it be undiagnosed cancer? Once again stop scaring me! A surgeon??? WTF! Okay, I’ll stop with the excessive punctuation.

I believe America is too litigious but couldn’t I sue the radiologist for telling me TWICE that my cysts are benign? It was the same radiologist both times. Why is the radiologist so sure my cysts are benign? Shouldn’t she be the one concerned? I don’t know anything about this stuff.

And then my mom starts scaring me. Sigh. Once again: WTF? I had already told the OB/GYN I did not want a second opinion on Friday evening. My mom offered to pay for a second opinion after I already told the doctor no. She also tells me that my late grandmother has a sister currently living with breast cancer. I had forgotten she has cancer. Also, my aunt on my dad’s side had breast cancer. I don’t know if she died from it or not.

I just want to thank the doctor and my mom for freaking me out. But the truth is, I already think there is something physically wrong with me. I think it’s Lyme disease or cancer or something else (anemia?). I’ll just live with whatever. All I know for sure it that I consistently have low iron levels and I have many cysts in each breast. That’s it.

I haven’t blogged about this in a while. My dad is still in the United States. He is still living with my mom. He is a veteran. I think he is considered a disabled veteran. I know it is weird that I don’t know this. Anyway, he gets his benefits on the first of the month for being a vet. Well, he always wants to go to the store on the first. Uh, NOPE.

I don’t go to the store after work. Who does that? Not me. I’m usually exhausted. Well, I guess I am on this Friday (the second). I was over at my mom’s house today, and he asked me to take him to the store. Why can’t he just wait until Saturday (the third)? I go grocery shopping on weekend mornings when it isn’t too crowded.

Honestly, it isn’t that bad this time. I’ll just start work 30 minutes early (even though I’m not supposed to) and get off and we’ll go to the store. At least my weekend will be free. Yay!

I’m just going to prepare myself for him to ask me around the first of the month to take him grocery shopping. I really wish he would be considerate and wait until the weekend. But I can adjust. As long as he only wants to go once a month, I can deal. I can’t believe he is staying in the United States. So weird.

So I’ll just take him to the store on the first from now on. Begrudgingly. 😉

I have to get back to studying. Fun times.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t

I just tapped on clearing resentment.

These past few days I’ve been struggling with what to do about finances and my parents. Two separate issues. The good thing is that according to my mom, my dad might be going back to living overseas. I know this sounds bad for me to be happy about. But try driving someone somewhere in a panicked state. Driving is serious. Accidents can happen! If I didn’t have to take him anywhere, his presence wouldn’t be so bad. But him living with my mom forever does scare me.

There is something scary about FOREVER. According to what my mom thought, my dad was going to live with her forever. That’s scary shit. I don’t like forevers. It seems so final. Anyway, now I can breathe (a little). Because I think he is going back. He probably just came back to America to get some of his stuff together. He usually comes back once a year, so maybe this is what he is doing now.

I guess I resent my mom because she knows I have a hard time driving him around. Why does she make a joke out of it? Yes, I could be 100% honest and say: I’m close to having panic attacks while I’m driving him around so I would rather not do it. That is honest, but I’m not doing it. I rarely talk to my dad. The last thing I’m going to do is NOT take him to the store. I feel like that’s the least I can do. But my mom doesn’t have to make light of it. It’s not funny.

Sigh. So that is why my parents are currently getting on my nerves.

And financial stuff. Ack! I thought I was okay. My rent is still too high, so I’m not saving much money. But I thought I had debt under control. Um, nope. One of my credits cards is out of control. I just got the bill over the weekend, and I freaked out. It was over $100 for the minimum payment! This is a new thing. I’ve NEVER had a minimum payment that high.

Today I paid double the minimum payment  (yes, over $200) and I’m paying more in mid-April. But this isn’t going to get better unless I start working at my part-time job. I might have to consolidate. That may be the only answer for this card. But I want to lower it on my own before I even consider consolidating. That probably doesn’t make financial sense. But whatever.

I’m willing to work 2 jobs. I’m just waiting for the PT job to start back up. It’s seasonal work.  I can’t afford to wait forever. I’ve been waiting since December. I’ve enjoyed the time off. Trust me. I don’t LOVE working 24/7. That is what I was doing October through December. I had no free time. I could not read books. I wasn’t enjoying life much. But I need the money. I’m willing to do it differently this time. I will still nap for an hour a day and then work all afternoon. However, I will take time for myself on the weekends. I need a couple of hours a day on Saturday and Sunday.

I should be thankful I’m not working now. How could I study for the certification exam if I was working all the time? I have no idea. How could I read all these spiritual books if I was working so much? Uh, but I need the money. I can work it out somehow.

Speaking of my certification exam, I made an 82 on my practice exam!!!  🙂 That is the highest score I’ve ever gotten. I only have one more practice exam left. I made a 72 on the first two exams I took. They said you shouldn’t take the real exam if you can’t make an 80 or above on a practice exam. I finally did it! Woohoo! I was shocked. I don’t feel good about the amount of guessing I did, but I’m going to guess on the real exam too. lol. This stuff is hard.

Gotta go.

Most wonderful time of the year

Happy March Madness! I usually have 2 days off during this week, but I decided to take more time off during the summer instead of right now so I have a day and a half off instead. Not too bad.

I mowed the lawn today while it was 37 degrees. I thought I would be able to mow the whole yard because the worse part for me is mowing the lawn when it is so hot. Uh, no. My yard is too big. All my other neighbors have riding lawnmowers because their yards are bigger or the same size as my yard. I’m the only one pushing a mower. If I owned the house, I would buy a riding mower.

Anyway, even while it was freezing, I couldn’t mow the whole yard. Impossible to do at one time without breaking a few times. So I’m not going to attempt again. Great exercise and learning experience. lol.

Depo-Provera update: My period finally ended earlier this week! I think it lasted about 12-13 days. How horrible is that? But wouldn’t it be great if that were my last period? I’m not counting on it. I’m still not sure about the acne thing. I lost another pound so no weight gain. Yay! I am worried about what will happen the next time I get the injection on April 26. What if all these bad side effects occur?

I’m going to O’Charley’s tomorrow to eat a bacon cheeseburger and fries. That’s how much I care about that weight loss. 😉 I was going to order salmon, but I recently tried grilled salmon at a similar restaurant, and it was just average, so I think I’ll stick to something safe and unhealthy. I love salmon, but maybe I just don’t like it grilled?

UPDATE: I had the grilled salmon at O’Charley’s. It was the best salmon I’ve ever had. If only I could cook it like that. Delicious!

UGH! My dad is coming back to America on Saturday. Why can’t he stay at a hotel instead of at my mom’s? He can afford it. I just don’t want to deal with the panic attacks while driving him to the store. No fun. It’s so awkward and annoying. Groan. Hopefully, I will only have to take him twice a month. I wish I could say once a month. Sigh. I hate this.

And he’s taking away my option of moving back to my mom’s (temporarily) if I have to move out of this house. Okay, not really. My mom has enough bedrooms, but who wants to live like that? For a couple of weeks, it would be fine. But anything more – no way.

I know this all seems so negative, and it is. I’m going to pray on it. I guess I’m feeling doubtful because I’m so tense when I’m taking him somewhere and I don’t know how to get my body to stop freaking out. I’ll pray, tap, and meditate before taking him to the store. That’s all I can do…and definitely take a Klonopin or two.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ed Sheeran, Lea Michele, Ariana Grande, Grace, John Mayer, Miranda Lambert, Bethany Dillon, Ryan Adams

Song of the week: Lea Michele – Anything’s Possible

TV of the week: basketball, My 600-lb Life, Vanderpump Rules

Mostly college basketball.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I just finished reading The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence by Jessica Ortner. Another 4-star book. This book did convince me I should stop drinking diet soda. Of course, I already knew that. #1 it can cause type 2 diabetes. But she also said it could cause cravings for wheat and sweets.  I haven’t had dessert in 3+ weeks which is a record for me. But it probably does cause cravings for me. I’m thinking about switching over to green juice 100% of the time, but it is so expensive.

Now reading:

The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein (rereading…5-star book!)
Add More Ing to Your Life: A Hip Guide to Happiness by Gabrielle Bernstein
Breaking Free From Emotional Eating By Geneen Roth
Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren planner:

planner condren

Plans for the Weekend: I was supposed to stay in and watch basketball all weekend. That’s what March Madness is about, right? But now I’m going out tomorrow and Saturday. On Saturday, I have to take my parents to the store. (So weird to type out). I have to get stuff for me too. My main priority this weekend is watching basketball.

Have a great weekend and thanks for reading! 🙂

Time for me to take action

Why not start with a Depo-Provera update? This is the worst period I’ve ever had as far as how much blood I’m losing. This can’t be healthy. I’m on DP because I was losing a lot of blood for 2 days of my cycle. This seems like more than that, but I haven’t been keeping track and I should have. But it just FEELS that way. Next time I will keep track (if It ever stops – ARGH!).

Cramps also came back after not having bad cramps for the past 8-9 months. Thanks a lot, Depo Provera. No weight gain. My weight is steady. I’m grateful for that. I’m not happy about having a heavier period. That sucks. 😦 It should be only temporary, though. It better be!

The nurse practitioner did ask if I wanted an ultrasound to see why I have heavy periods. But I didn’t know if I was losing an unusual amount of blood, so I said no I’ll just try the Depo. Now I feel like I am losing a lot of blood, but I really don’t know for sure.

All I know is that I’m going on vacation with my dog and mom for my birthday (in May). I need to not have my period during that time. Thank you, Universe. Please?

I started drinking my green juice. It’s called Super Greens. It was affordable compared to the $70 bottle of green juice powder. Of course, it is not available on Amazon right now, so I couldn’t ask for it for my birthday. My mom wanted my birthday list 2 months ago, so I had to get it in this weekend. Anyway… Hopefully, it will be back soon so I can order it in the future. I can’t tell how much it is working for energy. I have been drinking less diet Mountain Dew, and I do feel like it might be working, but I’m not 100% sure.

Ugh, my dad is coming back to the United States…to live with my mom…maybe forever! (They are happily divorced). This is only a problem because when I have to take them to the store, I almost have a freaking anxiety attack. I can barely drive UNLESS I take a Klonopin which I will do.But it is still very awkward. I will try praying, meditating, and tapping before I take them anywhere. I’m fine with taking my mom places. I do it all the time.

I still have a lot of social anxiety around my dad, so it’s really hard. I’m so nervous about this. He’s coming next weekend. Oh dear. I’m going to try to work my spiritual tools over this issue. I hope it works. I need it!

Free to be me

Mom took me to the park on her day off! I don’t get to go to the park often because mom refuses to go when there might be a lot of people there (evenings, weekends). Here’s proof I had fun:

corgimix

me at the park

 


The more terrorist attacks there are, the more likely Trump will be president. I thought he would pick Newt Gingrich for vice president.

Random: I think my therapist might be a Republican or she just hates the Affordable Care Act. I mentioned it, and she got the strangest look on her face, but if I were in the healthcare industry, I probably wouldn’t like “Obama Care” either.

Some people completely missed the point of Jennifer Aniston’s editorial. They thought she was just complaining about the tabloids. WTF?! Sigh. She was saying a woman’s value should not be based on her maternal or marital status. That’s the truth. People can’t handle the truth, so they look for other things to talk about. I just can’t.

This past week has been a bad week for me as far as Nutrisystem is concerned. I probably gained at least a pound. Probably two pounds. I suck. My goal is to get back on the wagon for the next five weeks because after that; I won’t be on NS anymore.  I will take it one week at a time. Next week will be great. 😉 NO CHEATING.

I don’t have much to say today. Obvs. So I’ll just get to what I consider the fun part of the week:

This week I…

Music of the week:  Tori Kelly, Ellie Goulding, Mariah Carey, James Bay, Ariana Grande, Janet Jackson, Bobby Brown, Prince

TV of the week:  Grey’s Anatomy, Big Brother

I paid for a season pass of Big Brother, so I’m sure that is affecting how I feel about the show this year. At first, I thought ‘what a waste of $20’, but like most seasons it is slowly getting better. I hope this season is worth the money. I’m not rooting for anyone to win. I don’t really like anyone. They’re all just okay. I’m sure that will change.

Movie of the week: none. I might watch Straight Outta Compton this weekend. Not sure.

Books of the week:  Still reading  Along Came a Spider by James Patterson.

I am 86% through Every Little Step: My Story by Bobby Brown. I’m planning on finishing it tonight. I’m through the part where Whitney died. And now I’m getting to the part where Bobbi Kristina passes. 😦 I don’t really want to read that. I know I’m going to cry through it.

Planner update: Plans for July 11- July 17 in my Erin Condren neutral planner –

planner

Plans for the Weekend: Oh! I can’t believe I didn’t mention this! My dad is here. He lives in the Philippines, but he visits the States at least once a year. And…he is staying with my mom!  (They are divorced). OMG. lol. Next time I think he will ask to stay with me, but I’m not going to worry about that now. I took him to the store last Sunday. Awkward. I couldn’t come up with anything to say. That’s the norm for me. Sigh. Anyway, I’m going to my mom’s house tomorrow, so I guess I’m seeing him too. Awkward part two.

I don’t have much planned for the weekend. I might work on better cover letters. That sounds like a plan. My first two cover letters I sent out were subpar. Another problem I have is that I make too much money for most of these jobs that are out there. I don’t make a lot, but the jobs I want don’t even want to pay that. So either I have to move to a place with less rent or wait for my car payments to go away. I need to be okay with less pay so I can apply for more jobs. Simple as that. But I can’t take a pay cut while I’m living in a nice area in the suburbs. I LOVE this area, though. I do not want to move.

Have a nice weekend. 🙂

As I Lay Me Down

I just watched the most fascinating yet disturbing documentary on Sophie B. Hawkins. For the past couple of days I’ve had this thought: “ No one* says To-MAT-to”. Sophie’s mom’s says it! LOL. I stopped being a fan of her music but I grew up listening to her…in high school. That’s the music that really counts. I hadn’t heard “Damn, I wish I was your lover” or if I did I had no idea it was her. I only know two Sophie songs and somehow I’m watching a docu on her. Anyway, I had no idea how talented she is. Hmm, this probably belongs in my music blog.
——————-

*By no one in this case I meant 98% of America.

My dad/house invader is gone. GONE. After only 4 days. He was supposed to stay forever (okay, not really but he wouldn’t give me a date). Then when I told him uh, “not happening”, he said until November 1. I’m horrible with dates but I don’t think it’s November yet. And he’s gone. GONE.

Fuck.

Of course I feel guilty. Even though I didn’t do anything. Well except sweared from outside the house while I couldn’t unlock the door. In most houses it would be impossible to hear someone from outside but I live in a shack. I was frustrated because I couldn’t open the door. The lock doesn’t work so that is why I don’t ever use that one. He put the damn lock on and I was up for 12+ hours and I flipped. Quietly…I hope. I know I wasn’t that loud because I wouldn’t want the neighbors to hear me talking to myself. I said “stupid” a few times.

Fuck.

I sat boundaries with him prior to his arrival but I also had PMS. LOL. Today is the last day. YAY!

In my little world, you do not invite yourself to someone’s house stay 2-3 weeks longer than you said you would and then YOU COME BACK TWO MONTHS LATER. I’m sorry but that is not fucking acceptable!!! WTF do you think you are?

It pissed me off. If he had waited a year. Fine (not really since I don’t ever like house guests but I could deal with that). I was in the process of getting my house back together. He ruined it. Now everything is back in the living room. *&^D

So not the point.

WHAT IF HE COMES BACK….??? What if he is so dense that he doesn’t get it? I hate when people don’t get something because it is usually due to choosing to be ignorant. Not stupidity. I can forgive stupidity not ignorance.

This is not supposed to make sense. This is just me being shocked that he is GONE. I know he isn’t angry at me. (He doesn’t fake it like my mom would). He might blame himself though…When will people learn that “It is not you, it’s me” IS THE TRUTH. How can it be you?

I’m not in a position to do much of anything. Most days I don’t know how I make it to work. How do I force myself to get up every day and somehow make it to the building? FEAR. That’s another entry for another time.