Is it just part of the process?

Countdown:

17 days until I’m off from work for a full week

I’ve been working 24/7. I finally have at least 10 minutes to catch my breath. It’s my fault. I need to be more structured when it comes to the tarot biz. However, I only have a mentor for 3 months so I’m trying to get in as much as I can while she’s around. I go from working my day job to working the tarot. I can’t wait to be off from work for a week, but that time will probably be 95% tarot and 5% doctor appointments. It would be nice just to have one day off of not doing any work. I’m going to try to do that. As of right now, I’m going with the Wednesday of that week.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

We started working on the new system at work. So far, I am really slow at it. It took me 5+ years to really get used to the old system and now, they change it. I hope it doesn’t take me too long to get used to the new system. We started training in March. I have forgotten so much. I have to look up almost every single thing. That is why I’m so slow.

Enough about that work. Now let’s talk about tarot work. I joined a tarot community that assigns people free email readings to do. How awesome. There are drawbacks, of course. But the best thing is that I don’t have to ask people do they want a free reading. I was shocked I got picked. I thought they would never pick me, but I got a free reading request the first night I signed up! The question is pretty detailed. She wants a little of everything covered. Uh, I don’t usually do that in readings. I might talk it over with my mentor tomorrow. But how much can I tell her? I don’t want to cross any boundaries.

(UPDATE: I just got a request for another free reading. Ummmm, I haven’t even done the first one yet. I’m grateful for the opportunity. But I’m shaking at the same time. This one is 100% relationship based. Oh dear.)

UPDATE pt 2: I now have 4 readings to do. There goes working on my intro video.

Another good thing is the feedback. On Facebook, I didn’t always get feedback. Now I get feedback PLUS I get rated from 1 star to 5 stars. LOL. Oh, God. This could really suck! I’m doing the reading on Saturday. I’m anxious about it. Please give me at least 4 stars!

FUCK MY THERAPIST! Okay, this time we actually had a decent session. She even took notes!! But she didn’t know I don’t have any friends. How many times do I have to say it? This time she typed it into her notes, so I think she got it. Why fuck my therapist? Because she wants me to talk to my dad. NOT HAPPENING!!!1111!!!!!

Should I lie? Nah. Should I tell her I just didn’t want to do it? I will probably do something like that. After I told her he lives mostly in {insert country name}, she asked whether he spoke English. ROFL. Uh, yes. Very well.  He was born in Maryland and lived most of his life here. Anyway, my appointment is on Tuesday, right after work. I might see my dad on Sunday. But I’m not saying a thing besides “hi.”

Oh, and the main reason I don’t talk to my dad is social anxiety. Simple as that. I admire my dad. He is a Vietnam Vet. He is smart. I don’t agree with him when it comes to everything. For example, he doesn’t think the football players should kneel. FYI, not all veterans agree with him. Some think they fought for the right of the football players to have freedom of speech. What a novel concept! So there’s that. I think the whole thing is stupid. Stop playing the National Anthem at football games. Whatevs. I don’t watch football anymore because it kills people. Not because of some kneeling BS.

(Not that the football players are kneeling for BS. Just wanted to state I know they are kneeling for important stuff they believe in. I think the “controversy” is BS).

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8 most listened to): Dave Matthews Band, James Bay, Janelle Monae, Florence + the Machine, Sugarland, Demi Lovato, Amy Winehouse, Hailee Steinfield

TV of the week:  Big Brother, The Handmaid’s Tale, The Bachelorette (judge away)

I watched The Bachelorette because they visited my hometown. It’s so sad that I’ve only been to one of the places they visited. It’s not like they went to touristy places. They just went to everyday places. I’ve wanted to go to one of the places they visited for the longest time. I just keep going to the same places. Anyway, I like Becca (the bachelorette), so I’m going to keep watching until the end of this season. I’ve never watched the show before, but I know the concept. I don’t watch it live, so I hope no one spoils the ending. I have to stay off social media… especially Twitter.

Oh and one of the guys called where I live “country”. Okay, Mr. Elitist or should I just call him ignorant? I’m sure tons of people living in the city were laughing at that. The country is at least an hour away from here, dude. Thanks for stopping by. I love the country, btw. I’m trying to move there. I want to own a house there. It’s just so far out. I don’t want to spend a ton on gas just to get places, but it’s probably worth it.

Movie of the week: I watched two comedy specials last week. I can’t believe I’m watching comedy like I used to back in the day. So weird. I watched Kamau Bell’s latest (soo good!) and Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette. I enjoyed both. Nanette was more serious and so necessary. If you want serious comedy, watch that. If you want to laugh at the ridiculousness, this country has become watch Kamau’s special. Can’t go wrong with either option. Should I watch David Chappelle next? I probably won’t because I haven’t heard great things about any of his recent specials.

Podcasts of the week: Fresh Air, Online Marketing Made Easy, The Biddy Tarot Podcast, The Mind Your Business Podcast, True Crime Garage, Unsolved Murders, Why is This Happening?

Books of the week: Now reading:

Plans for the weekend: Tarot, tarot, tarot. What else is there to do? I’m working OT on Saturday. I also have to do that free reading. I hope I do a good job. On Sunday, I’m going grocery shopping.

I also want to record another video for my tarot website. I’m not sure I’m going to get it done this weekend, but I want to try. This one I want to be more professional. I’m going to attempt to use iMovie for the first time ever! Ugh, this might take some time. There goes my weekend! I hope I can make it good. Oh, and I also started a biz Twitter account. I’m not sure how long I’m staying on there. I don’t like having two Twitter accounts. One for fake business shit and one for real stuff I care about. It doesn’t sit right with me. I feel like I’m fake on the biz Twitter because I probably won’t tweet anything bad about Trump or politics at all. I do follow NPR on that account though. LOL.

Anyway, I’m glad I made time to do this entry because I don’t want this blog to die just yet. Thanks for stopping by. Have a great weekend! 🙂

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I’d rather rescue myself

Bummer! I was hoping to share my website link with you all. But Squarespace won’t let me share since I still have a free trial. 😦 😦 Only people with a login can see it. I could pay for it and make it go live, but I don’t want to do that now because it is only about 40% done. Oh well.

I probably will share it once it goes live in a week, but I will have pictures of myself on there so I will not leave the link up long. So if you want to continue to see the website, please bookmark it. I will not link to my professional website after a week or so because I want this blog to remain anonymous.

I’ve spent hours on the site. I don’t know how I feel about Squarespace. I already know I’m going to redo the site in 3 months. But for now, I will stick with what I have. I don’t want to start all over. The main problem I’m having is not being able to put a photo where I want to on my “About Me” page. However, I’m taking a lot of photos of myself this weekend while I’m in the woods so I can have woodsy photos of me 😉 So I may as well wait to put photos up. I’m just frustrated because I figured out how to do the banner, a logo, etc. But I don’t know how to put a pic on the bio page. ARGH!

So blah. I really wanted to share my site. I only have 13 days left on my free trial, so I’m paying for it very soon. I’m paying for it annually because it’s a little cheaper and I get the domain free. It’s funny. I checked to see if the domain was available BUT I didn’t do an internet search to see if anyone else was using my name on youtube, facebook or wherever. Oh my! Duh! Some people are using close to what I have. The name of my website name consists of VERY common words, especially in spiritual circles. Oops!

Hopefully, no one will sue me. I can change the name of my site, but I don’t want to change the domain name because that would cost money.

I’m continuing to like my therapy sessions. I have 4 free ones left (a reminder to myself). Unfortunately, she is discontinuing her weekend sessions. 😦 Why??? I scheduled my next appointment for June 20th – a Wednesday at 7 PM. At least, she has evening/night hours. I only found her because she had Sunday hours. Anyhow, I have decided I’m going to use therapy to get over my social anxiety. It will probably be very hard. But I want to do Skype tarot readings and to do that, I have to overcome my fear of public speaking.

I think she is going to want me to join Toastmasters or something. Groan. That’s not the first time I’ve heard that. Whatever works. I have to come up with 10 things that scare me and rank them from least to worst.  How about everything scares me? Seriously. Well, everything concerning PEOPLE. Luckily, I think I have at least two weeks before I have to do my list. Just thinking about that makes me anxious.

My dad saved the weekend! My mom told him I said that we didn’t get a break between winter and summer. So my electric bill continues to be a little high. (Not as high as it should be because I have it pretty hot in the house). I did NOT give her permission to tell him that. I don’t even know why she said that! Normally I get pissed when people say something I said to them in private. But in this case, not so much. He gave me $80 to help pay my electric bill!!! YAY.

He gave me cash so instead of depositing that into the bank, I used the cash to pick up a few things I need for my trip this weekend. I bought a queen-sized sheet. And I bought a blanket. I also picked up some other things I didn’t have on my budget. Nothing “bad”. Stuff I need like Clarispray. I think my allergies are getting worse. I used to use Clarispray twice a week or less. Last week I had to use it 3 days in a row! That has never happened.

Now I feel bad for only getting him a card for Father’s Day. I got him a pen with his name engraved on it for his birthday. I can tell he really liked that. I dunno. I just feel a little bad. But I think he only expects a card.

Well, I have to go work on my website. Hopefully, it won’t be too frustrating. 😉 Should I have gone with WordPress instead? Maybe. But I doubt I switch now. Bye!

Dreaming is free

Oops! I did it again.  I signed up for a certification course. If I pass, this will be my THIRD certification. I will have a lot of letters after my name. I’m not taking the test until September 2018. So I have a lot of time to take the course and study before I take the exam. I have a career plan all worked out in my head with this certification, but who knows what will happen.

I had to sign up. This was a special price ($300 off). Plus, they threw in a free textbook! They never do that. I hope I can still make it to Kripalu next May since I spent a lot on the course. I have the flight covered. I’m just a little concerned about room and board.

I just knew we weren’t getting a bonus this quarter. But we are!! YAY. It isn’t thousands or even a thousand dollars. But I need all the help I can get so I’m happy.

What else is making me happy? I have occasionally been driving my dog to the park near us. Well, now I found a shortcut that doesn’t involve a car. All I have to do is walk to the park. It is less than a 5-minute walk from my house!! How could I not know that after living here for over 4 years? Don’t ask. We have been going daily after I get off of work. How awesome is that? I love it. Of course, my dog wants to stay for hours, but we only stay for about 15 minutes on weekdays. On the weekend, I plan to stay longer.

My dad is coming back to the United States. This time for good. 😦 He went back overseas for 2 months, and now he is coming back this weekend. Just to be clear, the sad face is because he is going to be living with my mom. So when I take her to the store, he has to go too. I hate driving “strangers” around. I have to take medicine, and it’s just not a good situation.

Depo-Provera update: I was just about to say the bleeding stop. But it started back up today. Compared to what it used to be, this is nothing. I’m grateful for that. I lost 1.5 pounds, so I don’t think I’m gaining weight due to DP.

This week I…

Music of the week: Shawn Mendes, Lorde, Hannah Trigwell, Paramore, Jem, Lana Del Rey, Lea Michele, Robyn

TV of the week: Big Brother, Thirteen Reasons Why

I’ve had 13 Reasons Why on my ‘to be read’ list FOREVER. I never got to it. I decided to finally watch the series this week. It starts off slow, but it’s a really good show. I wouldn’t recommend suicidal teens watch it. Or any teens when I think about how tough junior high and high school was for me. It made me go back to my suicidal days (not that long ago). For the longest time, I wanted to publish this manifesto of all the people who wronged me. How they contributed to my suicide. I never wrote it. But I thought about it a lot. I think I was going to mail it to a bunch of newspapers.

But now I’m in a better place. Most of the time. 😉

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week:

I finished reading two travel guides on The Dominican Republic. Very helpful. But I still feel a bit lost. At least I have a place to stay (see entry below). I will probably just stay there and walk to the private beach and to the small “town”. I just want a feel of the DR. That’s the one thing I really liked about my Mexico trip. I didn’t do the tourist thing. I stayed where the locals lived.

Trudy Scott (author of The Anti-Anxiety Food Solution) is your typical food snob. No gluten. No processed foods. YET, she says it is okay to eat sardines. Sardines from a can! Yes, LOL. So I’ve been eating sardines for lunch on most days. Fish is good for the body…even sardines. Besides, it was better than what I was eating before. I’m so glad she gave me that idea.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

DSCN0484

Plans for the Weekend: The park! We (my dog and I) might go Sunday morning around 7 or 8 AM and stay for an hour. It depends on when my dad is coming back because he will want to go grocery shopping immediately. Right now he is in France. How cool. I wish I were in France. Anyway, I’m not starting my course until I get my textbook. I probably won’t seriously start until the weekend of the 26th.

I might mow my lawn this weekend. I’m trying to wait until next week because I’m off on Thursday and Friday. On Thursday I have a doctor’s appointment to check my iron levels. I have been taking iron pills, but not the ones she recommended because I can’t swallow pills (and they can’t be crushed).

Well, I have to go cook for the week. blah. I hate “cooking” even though all I do is bake a bunch of chicken for the week. How hard is that?

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

A second opinion

OB/GYN office: Do you want to get a second opinion from a surgeon?

HUH? What? Why are these people scaring me? I already think I have something because no one is this tired all the time. Could it be undiagnosed cancer? Once again stop scaring me! A surgeon??? WTF! Okay, I’ll stop with the excessive punctuation.

I believe America is too litigious but couldn’t I sue the radiologist for telling me TWICE that my cysts are benign? It was the same radiologist both times. Why is the radiologist so sure my cysts are benign? Shouldn’t she be the one concerned? I don’t know anything about this stuff.

And then my mom starts scaring me. Sigh. Once again: WTF? I had already told the OB/GYN I did not want a second opinion on Friday evening. My mom offered to pay for a second opinion after I already told the doctor no. She also tells me that my late grandmother has a sister currently living with breast cancer. I had forgotten she has cancer. Also, my aunt on my dad’s side had breast cancer. I don’t know if she died from it or not.

I just want to thank the doctor and my mom for freaking me out. But the truth is, I already think there is something physically wrong with me. I think it’s Lyme disease or cancer or something else (anemia?). I’ll just live with whatever. All I know for sure it that I consistently have low iron levels and I have many cysts in each breast. That’s it.

I haven’t blogged about this in a while. My dad is still in the United States. He is still living with my mom. He is a veteran. I think he is considered a disabled veteran. I know it is weird that I don’t know this. Anyway, he gets his benefits on the first of the month for being a vet. Well, he always wants to go to the store on the first. Uh, NOPE.

I don’t go to the store after work. Who does that? Not me. I’m usually exhausted. Well, I guess I am on this Friday (the second). I was over at my mom’s house today, and he asked me to take him to the store. Why can’t he just wait until Saturday (the third)? I go grocery shopping on weekend mornings when it isn’t too crowded.

Honestly, it isn’t that bad this time. I’ll just start work 30 minutes early (even though I’m not supposed to) and get off and we’ll go to the store. At least my weekend will be free. Yay!

I’m just going to prepare myself for him to ask me around the first of the month to take him grocery shopping. I really wish he would be considerate and wait until the weekend. But I can adjust. As long as he only wants to go once a month, I can deal. I can’t believe he is staying in the United States. So weird.

So I’ll just take him to the store on the first from now on. Begrudgingly. 😉

I have to get back to studying. Fun times.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t

I just tapped on clearing resentment.

These past few days I’ve been struggling with what to do about finances and my parents. Two separate issues. The good thing is that according to my mom, my dad might be going back to living overseas. I know this sounds bad for me to be happy about. But try driving someone somewhere in a panicked state. Driving is serious. Accidents can happen! If I didn’t have to take him anywhere, his presence wouldn’t be so bad. But him living with my mom forever does scare me.

There is something scary about FOREVER. According to what my mom thought, my dad was going to live with her forever. That’s scary shit. I don’t like forevers. It seems so final. Anyway, now I can breathe (a little). Because I think he is going back. He probably just came back to America to get some of his stuff together. He usually comes back once a year, so maybe this is what he is doing now.

I guess I resent my mom because she knows I have a hard time driving him around. Why does she make a joke out of it? Yes, I could be 100% honest and say: I’m close to having panic attacks while I’m driving him around so I would rather not do it. That is honest, but I’m not doing it. I rarely talk to my dad. The last thing I’m going to do is NOT take him to the store. I feel like that’s the least I can do. But my mom doesn’t have to make light of it. It’s not funny.

Sigh. So that is why my parents are currently getting on my nerves.

And financial stuff. Ack! I thought I was okay. My rent is still too high, so I’m not saving much money. But I thought I had debt under control. Um, nope. One of my credits cards is out of control. I just got the bill over the weekend, and I freaked out. It was over $100 for the minimum payment! This is a new thing. I’ve NEVER had a minimum payment that high.

Today I paid double the minimum payment  (yes, over $200) and I’m paying more in mid-April. But this isn’t going to get better unless I start working at my part-time job. I might have to consolidate. That may be the only answer for this card. But I want to lower it on my own before I even consider consolidating. That probably doesn’t make financial sense. But whatever.

I’m willing to work 2 jobs. I’m just waiting for the PT job to start back up. It’s seasonal work.  I can’t afford to wait forever. I’ve been waiting since December. I’ve enjoyed the time off. Trust me. I don’t LOVE working 24/7. That is what I was doing October through December. I had no free time. I could not read books. I wasn’t enjoying life much. But I need the money. I’m willing to do it differently this time. I will still nap for an hour a day and then work all afternoon. However, I will take time for myself on the weekends. I need a couple of hours a day on Saturday and Sunday.

I should be thankful I’m not working now. How could I study for the certification exam if I was working all the time? I have no idea. How could I read all these spiritual books if I was working so much? Uh, but I need the money. I can work it out somehow.

Speaking of my certification exam, I made an 82 on my practice exam!!!  🙂 That is the highest score I’ve ever gotten. I only have one more practice exam left. I made a 72 on the first two exams I took. They said you shouldn’t take the real exam if you can’t make an 80 or above on a practice exam. I finally did it! Woohoo! I was shocked. I don’t feel good about the amount of guessing I did, but I’m going to guess on the real exam too. lol. This stuff is hard.

Gotta go.

Most wonderful time of the year

Happy March Madness! I usually have 2 days off during this week, but I decided to take more time off during the summer instead of right now so I have a day and a half off instead. Not too bad.

I mowed the lawn today while it was 37 degrees. I thought I would be able to mow the whole yard because the worse part for me is mowing the lawn when it is so hot. Uh, no. My yard is too big. All my other neighbors have riding lawnmowers because their yards are bigger or the same size as my yard. I’m the only one pushing a mower. If I owned the house, I would buy a riding mower.

Anyway, even while it was freezing, I couldn’t mow the whole yard. Impossible to do at one time without breaking a few times. So I’m not going to attempt again. Great exercise and learning experience. lol.

Depo-Provera update: My period finally ended earlier this week! I think it lasted about 12-13 days. How horrible is that? But wouldn’t it be great if that were my last period? I’m not counting on it. I’m still not sure about the acne thing. I lost another pound so no weight gain. Yay! I am worried about what will happen the next time I get the injection on April 26. What if all these bad side effects occur?

I’m going to O’Charley’s tomorrow to eat a bacon cheeseburger and fries. That’s how much I care about that weight loss. 😉 I was going to order salmon, but I recently tried grilled salmon at a similar restaurant, and it was just average, so I think I’ll stick to something safe and unhealthy. I love salmon, but maybe I just don’t like it grilled?

UPDATE: I had the grilled salmon at O’Charley’s. It was the best salmon I’ve ever had. If only I could cook it like that. Delicious!

UGH! My dad is coming back to America on Saturday. Why can’t he stay at a hotel instead of at my mom’s? He can afford it. I just don’t want to deal with the panic attacks while driving him to the store. No fun. It’s so awkward and annoying. Groan. Hopefully, I will only have to take him twice a month. I wish I could say once a month. Sigh. I hate this.

And he’s taking away my option of moving back to my mom’s (temporarily) if I have to move out of this house. Okay, not really. My mom has enough bedrooms, but who wants to live like that? For a couple of weeks, it would be fine. But anything more – no way.

I know this all seems so negative, and it is. I’m going to pray on it. I guess I’m feeling doubtful because I’m so tense when I’m taking him somewhere and I don’t know how to get my body to stop freaking out. I’ll pray, tap, and meditate before taking him to the store. That’s all I can do…and definitely take a Klonopin or two.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ed Sheeran, Lea Michele, Ariana Grande, Grace, John Mayer, Miranda Lambert, Bethany Dillon, Ryan Adams

Song of the week: Lea Michele – Anything’s Possible

TV of the week: basketball, My 600-lb Life, Vanderpump Rules

Mostly college basketball.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I just finished reading The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence by Jessica Ortner. Another 4-star book. This book did convince me I should stop drinking diet soda. Of course, I already knew that. #1 it can cause type 2 diabetes. But she also said it could cause cravings for wheat and sweets.  I haven’t had dessert in 3+ weeks which is a record for me. But it probably does cause cravings for me. I’m thinking about switching over to green juice 100% of the time, but it is so expensive.

Now reading:

The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein (rereading…5-star book!)
Add More Ing to Your Life: A Hip Guide to Happiness by Gabrielle Bernstein
Breaking Free From Emotional Eating By Geneen Roth
Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren planner:

planner condren

Plans for the Weekend: I was supposed to stay in and watch basketball all weekend. That’s what March Madness is about, right? But now I’m going out tomorrow and Saturday. On Saturday, I have to take my parents to the store. (So weird to type out). I have to get stuff for me too. My main priority this weekend is watching basketball.

Have a great weekend and thanks for reading! 🙂

Time for me to take action

Why not start with a Depo-Provera update? This is the worst period I’ve ever had as far as how much blood I’m losing. This can’t be healthy. I’m on DP because I was losing a lot of blood for 2 days of my cycle. This seems like more than that, but I haven’t been keeping track and I should have. But it just FEELS that way. Next time I will keep track (if It ever stops – ARGH!).

Cramps also came back after not having bad cramps for the past 8-9 months. Thanks a lot, Depo Provera. No weight gain. My weight is steady. I’m grateful for that. I’m not happy about having a heavier period. That sucks. 😦 It should be only temporary, though. It better be!

The nurse practitioner did ask if I wanted an ultrasound to see why I have heavy periods. But I didn’t know if I was losing an unusual amount of blood, so I said no I’ll just try the Depo. Now I feel like I am losing a lot of blood, but I really don’t know for sure.

All I know is that I’m going on vacation with my dog and mom for my birthday (in May). I need to not have my period during that time. Thank you, Universe. Please?

I started drinking my green juice. It’s called Super Greens. It was affordable compared to the $70 bottle of green juice powder. Of course, it is not available on Amazon right now, so I couldn’t ask for it for my birthday. My mom wanted my birthday list 2 months ago, so I had to get it in this weekend. Anyway… Hopefully, it will be back soon so I can order it in the future. I can’t tell how much it is working for energy. I have been drinking less diet Mountain Dew, and I do feel like it might be working, but I’m not 100% sure.

Ugh, my dad is coming back to the United States…to live with my mom…maybe forever! (They are happily divorced). This is only a problem because when I have to take them to the store, I almost have a freaking anxiety attack. I can barely drive UNLESS I take a Klonopin which I will do.But it is still very awkward. I will try praying, meditating, and tapping before I take them anywhere. I’m fine with taking my mom places. I do it all the time.

I still have a lot of social anxiety around my dad, so it’s really hard. I’m so nervous about this. He’s coming next weekend. Oh dear. I’m going to try to work my spiritual tools over this issue. I hope it works. I need it!