What if you never said anything?

This entry is full of random.

Countdown:

4 months and 12 days until Vegas 🙂

1 month 17 days until my board exam :/

20 days until the work picnic 😦 😦

May is usually my favorite month of the year but this year, the whole Vegas thing started on May 1! DRAMA. I hope June goes a little more smoothly.

Something recently occurred to me: What if my coworkers expect me to talk just because I show up? They don’t expect me to have a brain implant, right? (I would if I could). I will be meeting new coworkers along with the old. Not counting my manager, I think I will feel more relaxed around the new people. Not sure. My manager is a different story. I will be wondering if she hates me. Unfortunately her opinion matters.

I now know how to say things like “Nice to meet you”. I know normal people already know this stuff. They are way ahead of me. Social folks…sigh. I need to learn new sayings but my anxious brain can only remember so much.

I took a practice exam for the board exam yesterday. I got 66% right. Not too shabby considering by the end, I just wanted to get it done so I could get the answers. I was also rushing to get it done in under two hours. I need to get 70% right on the board exam to pass but this test was easier than the real exam will be so I can’t judge my performance by that.

I saw Frozen this weekend. Um. I trusted this would be good because adults liked it. It was okay. A little too far fetched for me. lol. It wasn’t terrible and now the soundtrack makes sense to me. At least not all of the main characters fell in love at the end. *gag*

Moving on…No NBA until Thursday. What are people doing without basketball? Oh, other people manage to get by? Interesting. I will somehow make it. More studying and knitting might get done.

After work, I studied a bit. Now I’m going to take a nap, study some more and then I might start knitting a child’s hat. I doubt it will be good enough to give someone. It is just practice. Why not start with a small size?

I have to take my dog to the vet tomorrow for routine vaccinations. I hope everything goes well.

somewhere trouble don’t go

I’m proud of myself. I made two hard phone calls today. One I had been putting off for months. The other was a new issue. Of course the calls didn’t go as bad as I thought they would. All that anxiety over a little thing. I hate having to make phone calls. I spend more time obsessing over it than actually talking on the phone.

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I’m off tomorrow & Friday for March Madness. The people at work considered this dumb. Taking time off just to watch basketball during the day? I know some thought my love of sports was dumb because I heard someone say it. It just made them feel better about themselves. Oh you watch sports? You must be dumb. I’ve been able to get time off work for March Madness every year since I’ve been in my current department. *STEREOTYPE ALERT* That is the bonus of working with mostly females. 😉 I hate when females confirm the “I don’t get sports” stereotypes by the way. I cringe every time I hear someone say something like, “I only like [insert team] because those are my colors!” Oh god, I hate that. I hate when people reinforce stereotypes in general. I know I have in the past. I’m not saying that I’m not guilty of this.

Basketball starts at noon on both days. I have my time filled before those hours. On Friday I have to mow my lawn at my house. I so don’t want to. :/ This will be my first mow of 2012. I hate that I don’t even live there but I still have to mow that damn lawn. It is good exercise though. I do need something to complement my sporadic treadmill use. On the average, I get on about 3 times a week. Not good enough. I don’t get motivated unless I eat something bad like red velvet cake. Anyhow, tomorrow I might go out to eat alone again. Not sure. I’ll see how I feel after I run my errands. I have a $5 off coupon so breakfast will only be about $5.00. I have to go.

Random: I think all restaurants should be required to serve breakfast all day. It would make a lot of people very happy. 🙂

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DRAMA ALERT

Okay, I’m not really sure this is drama ………..but my coworker asked me (by text) to go to a thing on Saturday. At first I was thinking, “Uh, HELL NO. Basketball is on all day!” I still feel that way. LOL. But I decided to say something about having some free time on Saturday. But I haven’t heard back from her. I’m not broaching the subject because I don’t want to miss basketball. Plus the event is religion based. Once again, I’m not a religious person. So I’m not dying to go even if I had nothing to do.

The drama is within myself. Did I say something wrong in the text? I’m not a normal conversationalist. I just say what I mean. I don’t sugarcoat things. I don’t say anything mean. But when I do talk I’m upfront. I would say exactly what I said to her but I feel strange about that. It was only 3 sentences. Was I supposed to say, “That sounds great!” Because I didn’t. Because it doesn’t sound great. I want to watch basketball. That is why I took Thursday and Friday off. It is important to me but I thought about how she hasn’t asked me to go anywhere in a long time.

Maybe she will call tonight. (She was supposed to call yesterday). And then I know I didn’t hurt her feelings. On the other hand, that means I’m missing basketball. Can’t really win with this one.

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Kindle Fire time.

I love my baby. I’m still having a hard time with the short battery life. My god, it is horrible! I’m probably making it sound worse than it really is. Maybe people who have an iTouch or any smart phone is used to this? I don’t know. The Fire does not compare to the iPad. At all. It is basically a smart phone without the phone. That’s it. If you want more, buy another tablet. (not necessarily an iPad). In fact Amazon doesn’t call the Fire a tablet, because it isn’t one.

What it is, is what I love. 🙂 I’m discovering new things I can do every day. Today I listened to podcasts without having to download them. I also can listen to at least one local HD radio channel (our NPR). I squealed when I saw that. I’ve wanted to listen to that channel forever. It is news talk ALL day unlike the other public channel which brings only certain NPR shows on. The best thing about the Fire, is the portability. I have access to a laptop while I’m working but I hate dragging that thing around. Now I can just do about everything on my Fire….except work on it. Bummer.

I will probably do reviews on more apps as I get them. My favorite new app is a screen dimmer. I think it will allow me to read books on the Fire. What a concept. Reading books on a Kindle? Ha. I was able to read a little on it today but I haven’t given it enough time. I just want to avoid a headache if I can. I’m still reading most stuff on my KK but I want to read two books at once and I thought this would be the best way to do it but it isn’t necessary. It would be nice to be able to see the newspapers I read in color though.

Living the scared life

OH SHIT! It has hit the fan at work. Everything was going…okay. But remember nothing stays the same. Um, did a 360 have to happen? I’ve dealt with 180s. C’mon WTF did I do to deserve this? Let me back up: This is not about me losing my job. Thank Buddha. It has nothing to do with that.

It is social crap. That sounds like nothing. However, I am terrified to go to work on Monday. I keep wondering if terrified is the right word. But I think it is….social anxiety is about fearing social situations. Yep, I’m “irrationally” terrified.

I just wish all of this hadn’t happen on a Friday. I’m trying to not let it ruin my weekend but it probably already has. FUCK. Why did I let them see me scared? Why did I runaway? “Never let them see you sweat”. Well I’m fucked up so sweating is what I do. I don’t know how to fake it. I wear everything on my sleeves. Everything. I try not to. I really do. %^#&

So basically I’m screwed. I want to take this time to take my anger out on my coworkers. 🙂

JENx:

YOU LIAR! You are so fake and political. But I know you and that bugs you. Being a liar doesn’t even bother you. I won’t bring your religion into this. (ROFL). You are just a mean girl. I hope you don’t act this way at  home or I feel bad for your kids and all your family members. FUCKING LIAR. I wish you had gotten the job you applied for. I really do.

CLAx

I haven’t done shit to you. What did I do to you? Don’t you feel anything for messing with a person who hasn’t done anything to you? WTF happened? Will you come to your senses? I never thought you would bond over gossiping but I guess you are only like everyone else.  I can’t wait until you work at home or don’t have to sit at your desk all day…whichever comes first. You are helping making my life hell. (Once again I will not bring religion into this).

ANx

We are far from friends but please don’t let them kill me on Monday. Please. I know you owe me nothing. So…forget it. I’m screwed.

I will be studying my Buddhist texts and I might even pray! There is a light here…Eventually they (and me) will be working at home so I won’t have to deal with this. But I don’t know WHEN. It isn’t like we have dates or anything. I’m not counting on going home anytime soon. But I want the first two people I listed at home ASAP. I’ll stay in the office. Whatever.

Well I have to go to my house and clean it. Slowest process ever.  I’m also going to Best Buy to use my Best Buy gift card. Can’t you feel my excitement?

I had to get this out.

Do it honestly

Have you ever cried so much that you think you might have a cold? My mom had a cold, so it is possible. I haven’t had a cold in 3 plus years. Why? How? I lived alone. The end. It does wonders. It is awesome. I cried so much my face hurts. I’m going to take two coldeeze just in case. That is the only thing that works for me. I probably would have had a cold during the past few years without it.

Now I know how it feels to tell someone in power something, and they don’t believe you. It sucks. Not that I expected her to believe ME over them. But she didn’t have to say it. That was low. She straight up lied to the manager. She’s good. She was very good. I can’t lie convincingly. I can’t lie at all. I don’t even try.

Of course, she would lie. I knew she would. By the way, I broke my code. I am not a “tattle tell”. Well uh, as of today – DAMN. I sort of, kind of told on them. I didn’t want to. But she wasn’t hearing any of this “not naming names” shit. That is what I usually do because I. don’t. tell. But today I did. And I was not believed.

She lied. She was so sincere. God, my eyes hurt. And they are soooooo red. ^%$#.

In other news, I weigh 117! I lost weight. See? Being thin is NOTHING. Look around. Being thin won’t make you happy.

Oh back to my sob story. Literally. I was crying because:  my manager didn’t believe me. AND Jex straight up lied to me and my manager. Anx wasn’t as willing to lie. She didn’t admit to anything, but she didn’t exactly LIE. AND I ate sausage which is so not on my diet. AND I broke my code. AND now the whole office will know…and talk about it.

YAY! 😦

I’m sure Jex thought I was crying for other reasons. They come up with the strangest WRONG reasons. Who knows what they think. Anx was gone for most of the day. I hope she was as angry as I was angry and sad. Then I’m fucked. lol. I will find out tomorrow.

Thanks for ‘liking’ my posts, by the way. I should have said this a while ago. I do notice and appreciate it.

I think I’m doing the Happiness Project in 2012. I am willing to fail at it. It will take me from now until January to come up with a 12-month plan. I just started reading the book.  I will blog about each month, of course.

I’m going to try not to cry anymore.

Don’t be a girl about it

You can Judge me, love me If you’re hating me, do it honestly. You can tell, you can tell me, you can tell me, you can tell me, you can tell me. Face me. Make me listen to the truth even if it breaks me. You can judge me, love me If you’re hating me… Would you face me?

They think what I’m doing is about them. All I am doing is protecting myself. How could they take something I do personally? Even I know that if a person acts the same way around everyone that you can’t take it personally.

People hate Taylor Armstrong but what she said is so true:

If you can’t be my friend, then just don’t be my enemy.

That is all I ask. That would be what anyone wants right? Just to be left alone…if you hate me. Why do you have to be my enemy and say and do nasty things. Just leave me alone!

I don’t go out of my way to hurt you. I am protecting myself from you as much as I can. I need to realize that I can’t control you. I get it intellectually, of course but I don’t really get it.

This job will be the death of me. If only…If only…Am I…When am I going to get to work at home? I’m so sick of this. Why can’t they just leave me alone until I figure something out.

The environment is so toxic. And in my opinion, all they have to do is SHUT UP. But of course that would be too easy. And maybe they can’t help it. They have reverse social anxiety. I’m not making a joke about SA. I really think diarrhea of the mouth should be a mental health issue.

the paper’s heart been torn

Here is something I’d never thought I’d say: I can’t wait for the new yogalates class to start . The only thing good I have to say about yesterday’s yoga class is that it went by quickly. I was in the FRONT. Need I say anymore??? It sucked. Also, I thought I wanted to focus on breathing. Um, NOPE. In the beginning the breathing exercises were making me nauseous. I don’t want to do yoga with a focus on breathing. I think I want more of a workout. Hence, why I think yoga and pilates is a good idea. (It is mostly yoga, btw).

I have one more class left at the yoga studio. I’m going to take the more physically demanding class for my last (?) class next Thursday. The class would have been much more embarrassing if I didn’t understand that the people in the class were focused on themselves. HOWEVER, when I was in class sometimes I would look at the person in front of me to get the pose right. I was so horrible that no one could do that. UGH, it was soooooooooo bad. I’m not exaggerating.

I only got the breathing right 50% of the time. It’s not like I planned to be there 5-7 minutes before class started and therefore had to place my mat near the front*. I had a problem finding parking. Next week I will try (TRY?) to be in the studio 20 minutes before class time. 30 seems a little extreme and control freakish. lol. Plus, 20 minutes just seems more manageable. 🙂 I hope I can find a parking space.

*Well, I could have probably sat a little further back but it would have been beside someone. GASP! And I still would have been in the front but maybe I could have glanced at my neighbor. ugh. Wow, what an experience. My anxiety was high, high, high. I’m surprised I could breathe at all but that was the only thing I was doing semi-right so ugh.

Yogalates should be more my speed. A workout and a little focus on breathing. Classes start in August or September at another gym. I would see people doing pilates and think, “nah, not for me” but hopefully combined with yoga, it will be awesome! The main drawback of yogalates seems to be less emphasis on meditation.

Yogalates can also be beneficial as a yoga fusion class for those who have been dissatisfied with yoga because they haven’t gained much in terms of core strength. The yoga and Pilates combination allows these people to retain the benefits of their yoga class and add core strengthening moves that will slim their bodies. The benefits of Yogalates also can be seen for those unhappy with the Pilates emphasis on core work alone and nothing else. These people will enjoy the yoga fusion of yoga and pilates because they can work on other parts of their body as well as the core.

source: link above

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WORK.

This week is moving slow. I thought today was Thursday. Sometimes I think people say things about me (or anyone) that they couldn’t possibly believe. I don’t know if it is a form of denial or straight conscious deceit. To clear things up….

I get ANGRY when I hear people negatively gossiping about people. To most that seems irrational. Whatever. It isn’t an issue of people just TALKING. It is talking about people when they aren’t there to defend themselves. (And in my case, I’m there but no one cares. hah.) It might stem from having very, very low social needs and ‘not getting it’. It may stem from hearing my mom nonstop talk about people all my life. She wouldn’t talk about current events, history just other people. Some of it definitely comes from growing up. OMG. Junior high. high school. Hello? Do I have to explain that?

When someone is talking to me about someone, I deflect. If the person insists, then I always end up taking up for the person I don’t even know! I just don’t think it is right. Call me self-righteous. Call me anything. I don’t care. No one is going to convince me that this is okay….especially seeing the effects in schools and work places. Two people gossiping about a celebrity in private, okay that is a gray area. I think gossiping about a celeb on the internet is just as bad as what people do to their “friends”.

Celeb example: First, a lot of them read what people write on the net so I try to take that into consideration. Nicole Ritchie is a great example. She had a reality show with the thin Paris Hilton, people called her FAT everywhere. Then she loses about 20-25 pounds and they say, “Why won’t see eat something? can’t she see that she is too thin?” SCREAM

These were the same people calling her fat!!!!!!! Why don’t they get it? Okay, I’ll calm down. I guess the hypocrisy is another pet peeve. Don’t get me started on parents who gossip in front of their kids. I wonder why people think it is a harmless act.

Okay I went on a tangent. I didn’t intend to go there. I just hate gossip. I’m working on not getting bothered by it (even though I feel it is wrong because it can hurt others). I’m trying not to judge the people who do it. It works on some days. When I’m in a bad mood, not judging them is a bit more challenging.

Oh well I have to go. I just want to explain (in case anyone cares) WHY it bothers me so much. I don’t care if you aren’t talking about ME. Not the issue…….

too tough to be tender

I know you are reading my blog Ax. I don’t know what more you want regarding this topic??? As far as I know Jnx is reading too. Obviously I’m okay with it or I would password protect this blog or delete it. You can stop dropping hints that you read this, unless you really get a thrill out of it. You are going to do whatever you want so…

And I have never said I was ‘kind’. I have mentioned in this blog where I used to be the ‘nice girl’ when I was extremely naïve. That was about 8 years ago when I thought adults behaved a certain way. Now I know. It is still hard to accept but I know. I’m not a friendly girl. Of course I don’t have to tell you that. I do think you say unkind things about me. NO I KNOW YOU DO because I can hear you. LOL. I don’t care what you think. I do think it is rude to talk about me when I’m RIGHT THERE. I leave for lunch, talk about your favorite subject (ME) all you want then.

Oh, that’s right. I don’t control you. You will do the exact opposite of what I suggest because you are an uh, adult.

Brene Brown (author) asked “do we really ever get over high school?” I answered no. I think it depends on support systems, what kind of experience the person had and temperament etc. However, do adults ever stop acting that way? Sadly the answer is no. 😦 I’m not saying I’m innocent or kind or anything………………
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I am the kind of person who must google “sandwich maker” recipes just to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Yes, I am that clueless.

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I’m very excited about a volunteer opportunity. I want to throw myself all in. However, I’m still waiting for the Abilify side effects (of the new dose) to go away. Right now I don’t have much energy to do much of anything. Volunteer? Yeah, right. I’ve been taking a long nap when I get home from work. I do think it may be getting better. My therapist (who I see once a month) made a good point. I was doing fine on the 2.5MG. Why up it? I am a small person so maybe 5MG is too much for me.

Well tomorrow is Friday and I have to get my laundry ready. I just wanted to let my coworkers know that I know that they are reading and that (for now) I’m fine with it.