I’m always running from my life

Good news: I’m off Depo Provera! Of course, it won’t leave my system for a while.  She put me on another birth control. This time it is a pill. The only problem is that I don’t swallow pills so if it says, “don’t crush” I am so screwed. She didn’t tell me the name of the pill so I can’t research it. She sent the prescription straight to my pharmacy.  I’m going to pick it on Saturday. I just hope I can crush it and that it works to stop my period.

UPDATE: I picked up my BC pills today. She put me on Bilsovi Fe. I can’t tell if they are chewable or not. PLEASE God let them be chewable. That would be so great! This is what I like the best about this pill:

After several months on treatment, bleeding may be reduced to a point of virtual absence. This reduced flow may occur as a result of medication, in which event it is not indicative of pregnancy.

I don’t like the “several months” part, but maybe since my body is still on Depo, it won’t take that long. Or I might be doomed and have a period forever. blah.

She asked if I wanted an ultrasound to see if I had fibroids. I was thinking “YES!”, but then she mentioned that it would be painful. Um, I don’t voluntarily do pain so that’s a no. I had no idea that an ultrasound would be painful. I’m so glad she mentioned it before I agreed.

Abilify update: I was able to eat a light breakfast this morning and drink coffee! So maybe I’m not doomed. I’ve been off Abilify for about 16 days. I can definitely tell a difference, but I’m not extremely depressed. I just hope this lasts. I don’t want to start back up again. But I can’t go to LA depressed. I just can’t.

I was hoping my dog would get to stay with my mom during my trip, but he’s being boarded. 😦 I know he hates the vet so leaving him there will suck. It’s also another expense, but whatever.

I just canceled my downtown LA hotel and I’m so sad. I really, really, wanted to stay downtown. Now I’m stuck near the airport.  There seems to be nothing of interest within walking distance. This changes my whole trip. BUT I do get free shuttle service to the airport and to the hotel so that will save me some money. I will probably go downtown via an Uber. Since I’m not staying at the other hotel, I don’t have to worry about the noise from the nightclub. YAY.  The hotel is very nice and I got a decent deal.  Wifi isn’t free. Bummer. I’m not sure I’m going to pay for it. At this point, I’m leaning towards not paying for it.

My sad itinerary is as follows as of today –

Friday: Manhattan Beach

Saturday: Downtown LA, Gabby Bernstein

That will probably change. I’m not sold on going to the beach even though I love the beach. I was supposed to be exploring downtown LA both days.

I’m trying to do my packing list. It is so long. I’m only taking my purse and a carry on suitcase. Most of the things I’m taking are small. Do I really need 2 Kindles? I’m serious because when I went to Las Vegas, my Kindle battery died and that sucked. I hate long plane rides. Hate them. I’m going to buy The King’s Speech (a movie I’ve been dying to see for years) for the plane ride. I also have Psycho which I’ve seen about 50 times.

I’m going to download a bunch of podcasts on my iPad. Yes, I’m taking my iPad too. Of course! However, I’m not planning on taking a laptop. I think 2 Kindles, a cellphone, a real book and an iPad is enough for a plane ride.

I go from being excited about LA to blah. It is a little overwhelming. But I went to Las Vegas alone and Mexico alone. If I can handle Mexico City’s airport, I should be able to handle anything. Mexico City’s airport was crazy!! I said I would never go through there again.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8):  Pink, Paramore, Taylor Swift, Ke$ha, Kelly Clarkson, Tim McGraw, Demi Lovato, Ed Sheeran

TV of the week: basketball, news, Homeland, Vanderpump Rules

Movie of the week: I watched Weiner last night. I didn’t think it was as great as most people seem to think it was. I thought it was sad. I was rooting for Anthony Weiner when he ran for mayor of New York…until the second set of photos and texts were released. Sad documentary and now he’s in prison.

Podcasts of the week:  A Killing on the Cape, All In With Chris Hayes, The Lively Show, Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations

Books of the week: Now reading –

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Get To Work Book (coming Sunday)

Plans for the Weekend: I’m staying in! Woohoo! I did everything I had to do on my 3 days off. I’m probably going to stress a little more about LA. Now I know it wasn’t a good idea. I think I was on an Abilify ‘high’ when I decided to book everything. Now I’m back to reality. Not smart. :/ Oh well. I’ll blog more about this next time.

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend. 🙂

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I want to let go

**********BREAKING NEWS********* Yes, this is like cable news when some of the stories really aren’t breaking news. But here goes: I’ve joined a Bible study group! AND I have a “new” Bible. It is an online Bible study group. It’s Lisa Marie’s God & Glam group. (Google it if you are interested). No, I’m not a Christian, but I want to read the Bible again. I haven’t seriously read it since I was maybe 12 years old? One reason I decided to join Lisa Marie’s group is because she’s not reading the Bible in order. I’ve tried that, and I’m not interested in that.

I didn’t buy a new Bible for this. I was planning on it. Something told me to ask my mom if she had an extra Bible. She had a brand new in the box Bible!! I think it was mine from when I was a teenager. Someone probably gave it to me as a gift, and I never opened it. LOL. How sad. Anyway, it is gorgeous, black and bonded leather. It is the NKJV (New King James Verison) study Bible.

I really want an English Standard Version Journaling Bible because I’ve never read an English Standard version. I’ve been eyeing one on Amazon. I might ask for it for my birthday, but my bday is 5 months away. I never wait that long for something I really want. I will probably just buy it for myself.

I’ve been harsh on Christians and Bible believers in the past. I used to judge them as not smart. I know that’s bad and unfair.  This was when I was a teenager. I still have judgments against Christians. I’m trying to stop judging them. I think the main issue for me is that I don’t believe everything in the Bible. I see it as Greek mythology. I love Greek mythology, but I know it’s not real.

Eventually, I plan on doing my own research into Christianity and God. And I will come to my own conclusion. I will probably have a ton of books to read, so I’m not doing it right now. Right now I’m making a reading list.

In conclusion, I’m beginning to study the Bible. I’m taking it slow. I don’t know if God really exists in that way.  I don’t know if I believe in the whole Adam and Eve story and a bunch of those stories. I’m doing my own research starting in 2018.

Abilify update: I’ve been off Abilify for 6 whole days. Gasp! I’m trying not to worry. Oh, and my doctor appointment in December has been canceled. My doctor is recovering from an injury.  So now I won’t be able to see him until February. The good thing is that if I get really depressed again, I think I have enough Abilify to last until then. However, I don’t want to go back on Abilify. EVER! But I can’t walk around being depressed until February.

Anytime I feel a hint of sadness, tiredness or I don’t feel like working, I’m trying to tell myself it’s not because I’m not on Abilify. This is just how I feel sometimes. I think. (??)

Totally bummed the tax bill passed. 😦

Find the courage to start over

**************BREAKING NEWS************** I am now off Abilify. I’m taking at least a two-week break because that is when I’m going to the doctor. I’ve been off Abilify for 3 days now. Don’t be shocked if I start blogging about suicide. I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen. I hope I don’t get depressed like I did last time I went off the drug. I also couldn’t eat until after 10AM last time.

Note to self: The last day I took Abilify was on Tuesday, November 28th.

I have an appointment on December 14th with my OB/GYN. I’m going to tell the doctor that Depo-Provera isn’t working for me. Last time she suggested adding another birth control to the DP (!!). But maybe I can switch to something totally different. Whatever works.

I just got back from my final dog training lesson. LOL. I’m not sure it was worth $200. This lesson lasted only 20 minutes (!!) because we couldn’t find any dogs. Well, we did find one owner with two dogs, and I was able to keep my dog from reacting. However, the problem is that the park I go to has narrow trails. I HAVE TO pass dogs in narrow spots, so I think this was a waste of money. Of course he is going to react to a dog that is very close to him.

I’m going to keep on trying though. It is so frustrating to consistently fail at something though. I may just give up one day. But for now, I’m going to keep on using the slip lead whenever we go to the park.

UGH! I was so sloppy with the job thing I mentioned in my last entry. I sent a bad cover letter just because I wanted to respond. Not a good idea. What if I really want to work for this company one day? Sloppy!! WTF was I thinking? I shouldn’t have responded at all. But I had this silly idea of “if it’s meant to be…” ugh! I’m disappointed in myself, to say the least.

On a better note, I watched Gabby Bernstein’s live stream last night and OMG I felt like I could conquer the world. I have to build on that. I did sign up for her new Judgement Detox course. Between Gabby Berstein and Marianne Williamson, I should be ready for the new year.

My issues are do I want to leave my job? Move?  I do want to move somewhere where snow isn’t an option. I love where I live (most of the time), but I hate the winter, and sometimes we get snow. I don’t like snow. I don’t want to deal with it. I need green pastures and warm weather. All. The. Time. 🙂

I have so many ideas. I wrote some of them down, and I probably will share them once I finish. I can live here and be content. Winter isn’t that bad. There are more important things like do I want to give up working from home for an office job or an outdoors job? I love working at home. Love it. I am willing to give it up for a job I feel passionate about.

Gabby inspired me so much last night. I could go on and on about all the ideas I have. I think my main thing is to concentrate on is a budget. In fact, I’m working on a budget for December tonight in my new binder. 😉

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Ke$ha, Paramore, Lorde, Pink, Shawn Mendes, Demi Lovato, Kelsea Ballerini, Kelly Clarkson

TV of the week: basketball, news, RHOA, Survivor

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week:  True Crime Garage, All In With Chris Hayes, The Rachel Maddow Show, Fresh Air, Wrongful Conviction (<–awesome podcast)

Books of the week: I’m focusing on reading What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton (great read and I’m not the biggest HRC supporter), Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Ed Tarkington and Be the Pack Leader: Use Cesar’s Way to Transform Your Dog and Your Life by Cesar Millan. I only have two days left to read Clinton’s book before it expires. 😦 I don’t think I’m going to finish.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Get To Work Book

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Plans for the Weekend: If I didn’t have packages to pick up from my mom, I wouldn’t have to drive anywhere this weekend. I don’t mind going to my mom’s house though. I’m off next Wednesday. I wish I was staying home, but I’m doing December 25th shopping. I just want to get it out of the way on a weekday when it won’t be so crowded.

The most important thing is that I have a test on Sunday morning. I have been delaying this test for weeks because I haven’t felt ready, but now I’m going to try to tackle it. On Saturday, I’m studying all day. What fun.

Tonight I’m taking a night off from studying since I had to go to dog training. I’m going to work on my budget and work on Gabby Berstein’s Judgement Detox course. She has a lot of worksheets I need to print out, so that is what I’ll be doing so I can just do the course without interruptions.

Have a great weekend! Thanks so much for reading. 🙂

Why do I keep looking back?

The leaves are turning colors and dropping from the trees, but it is so hot! Well, it is in the upper 80s, but it is very humid. I’m the last one to complain about it being hot. But’s it’s October, and I have this new vest I want to wear, and it’s too warm to wear it. Gah! It’s just weird with the leaves changing colors and all. I hope this means we will have a warm winter like last year. AND NO SNOW. Please!!! We did get snow last year. I hate snow and winter. Hate it.

I got my 4th Depo injection today.

Nurse: It is worth getting this shot to not get pregnant, right?

hahahahah. ROFL. Um, I don’t have to worry about EVER getting pregnant. Never have. Hopefully, never will. Too funny. 😉 Anyway, God, please let my period stop. Please. Last time I got the injection, the bleeding stop immediately. Today not so much. Bummer. It’s not heavy at all, but I’m on Depo-Provera, and I shouldn’t be getting my period. Well, I recently went 20 days straight without bleeding. What a concept! I believe Depo will work for me. I’m not going to continue to get injections if the bleeding doesn’t stop.

I’m glad Harvey Weinstein was fired. I feel bad for the women he abused and/or raped. What a monster. And people in Hollywood knew this. Did you read that Meryl Streep said she didn’t know??! I’m sorry, but what a liar. EVERYONE KNEW. Does she live in a cave in Hollywood? I’m serious. She didn’t know? WTF?! How could that go on so long and who else is doing the same thing? This must be stopped.

Oh and now Jennifer Lawerence is saying she didn’t know. How could she not know? I guess a lot of people will be added to this ‘I didn’t know’ list. So I’ll stop counting. I just find that hard to believe.

I have decided I’m not going to continue with Abilify after mid-December. That’s scary. The last time I went off Abilify I was so depressed. I couldn’t hold food down until after 10 AM. I wasn’t hungry most of the time. Maybe I will lose weight. I was just hopeless and sigh. It was really bad. So this will suck.

I don’t know what else to do. Abilify takes some inhibitions away. It leads me to be impulsive. I still say it is great for depression, though. I’ve got from now until December to come up with something.

Apparently, there’s no hope for me when it comes to depression. 😦 Unless I can get TMS somehow. I will ask my shrink about it in December. I will tell him EVERYTHING like he is a fucking counselor. He will get how Abilify (almost) ruined my life. I will take notes in even though I probably won’t have to use them. He knows Abilify makes 1 in 3 people impulsive. Yet he said nothing. FUCK him. But I wanted it. lol. It works, but I can’t take the side effects anymore. I’m done.

I was going to quit on my vacation this week, but who wants to be depressed on their week off? Besides it really wouldn’t hit until next week. Who wants to be depressed ever? *whines* I don’t know what to do, but I know for sure that I will stop taking Abilify. Btw, it can be stopped suddenly unlike most antidepressants.

In conclusion, I think I’m going to stop taking Abilify before seeing my shrink in December. That way I can describe how I felt and prove that I really do need SOMETHING. I just have to pick a date to stop. I may stop very soon as in this week because I know the depression won’t hit until a week or two later. I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay motivated for one job, much less two jobs. Double sigh.

Here is a short video explaining a little of what Abilify can cause:

I’m sure there are better videos on the topic, but I don’t want to watch them. I already know what Abilify can do from personal experience. I don’t like how he doesn’t say that Abilify actually works. The problem is the side effects. It can cure depression, schizophrenia, etc.

I’m enjoying my time off from my full-time job. So much to do and so little time to do it. Right now I want to take a break from everything and have a dance party for 20 minutes, so that is what I will do. Bye. 🙂

 

Love on repeat

I’m so sad to hear about the earthquakes in Mexico. The one that happened two weeks ago affected Oaxaca badly. I keep thinking about the people there and the buildings. Oaxaca is such a wonderful place. I hope to go back one day. I can’t even look at pictures of the damage.  I pray they don’t have any more earthquakes. 😦

And poor Puerto Rico. No power on the whole island?? That’s when you know things are bad.

Guess who is going to boot camp on Saturday morning? I’m so scared. I have never been to a boot camp, and other people will be there (!!). It’s free, and it’s not ongoing. It will be at a park. There will be a different free exercise activity in parks around the city for the next 6 weeks. I might skip hiking. That is too social for me. I have a feeling people would want to talk, and I would appear standoffish. I would love to go hiking alone, but with other people around? Ack!

Boot camp? What if it’s hard? What if I can’t keep up? What if I look foolish? I have to go, right? lol. I have only been to this park once and nowhere near where the boot camp will be. The map online isn’t helpful at all.  I’m going to have to get there early to find out where it is.

Forget Depo-Provera. I think I didn’t start gaining weight until I started Abilify. Another strike, but it is still worth it. Unfortunately, I can’t operate without it. AND the price was lowered to less than $1 a pill. Amazing! So what do I do? I honestly don’t feel like I have much of a choice. Some people would say go gluten-free and exercise more or something like that. But I know that would take me a while and I don’t believe it will work for me, so I have to be on something in the interim.

Do people not get it? When I’m depressed, I can’t exercise. I’m in bed. Gluten-free? Who gives a shit? I just want to die. Abilify can be evil, but it works for me. I know it doesn’t work for everyone.

I won’t see my shrink again until December. I have that long to think about it. Maybe I will ask him about TMS since there isn’t an alternative to Abilify (for me). I have a feeling he will not go for TMS. As I see it, my options are to stay on Abilify or get a new shrink. My shrink is okay, but I don’t feel like I can talk to him easily. That’s probably 100% on me. I won’t blame him.

Hopefully, I won’t keep posting about Abilify. I just need to make a tough decision. The price going down by $200 really complicates things.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Nelly Furtado, Jem, Jillette Johnson, Julia Michaels, John Mayer, JoJo, Britney Spears, Shawn Mendes

TV of the week: Big Brother, The Kalief Browder Story

I followed Kalief Browder since I first heard of his story a while ago. I think he was in Rikers at the time. I remember thinking, “This shows how messed up the ‘justice’ system is.” I wish he could have beaten his demons. I was so glad when he was released, but prison messes with your head…especially Rikers! How tragic. 😦

I honestly don’t see how anyone believes we have a fair justice system. Some people aren’t paying attention.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: Currently reading –

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo: A Novel by Taylor Jenkins Reid (fun book)

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Boot camp!!! I’m so anxious. Have I mentioned that? I hope enough people show up. More than 10, but less than 30 would be good. I want the people who put this together to be successful, but too many people might terrify me.

I will also go grocery shopping, work, mow the front yard and study.

Have a fabulous weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

That’s what’s going on

Work is killing me. Both jobs. Sigh. I didn’t realize Monday is Labor Day. I will be working at my part-time job. But I do get a day off from the FT job. I’m auditing work (re part-time job) which is great experience if I knew what the hell I was doing. I’m waiting for feedback on the work I did this week. I’m so scared. I might request a one on one session because I feel lost.

I see my psychiatrist on the 13th. I see him 4 times a year. I really want to get off Abilify. It causes impulsive behavior. Some people have lost many things due to that drug (due to gambling addiction etc.), but IT WORKS. I’m not depressed. I’m not in bed all the time. However, the side effect of impulsive behavior can ruin lives.

I used to be so different. I was frugal before I was on Abilify. I don’t remember when my eating habits changed, but I’m sure Abilify made me more impulsive. Before being on the drug, I wouldn’t even think of ordering food. Now I think about it 1 – 3 a week. I don’t order out that much (thank the Universe), but I THINK about it.

Depression sucks. I wish I could just be depressed, but it affects my work. Depression affects everything. If I didn’t have to work, I would just stay in bed all day with no Abilify. I know that sounds strange. That is how bad I want to get off the drug, but I can’t allow anything to mess with my productivity. So Abilify it is for now.

Wow, I just found out Louise Hay passed away peacefully in her sleep on August 30th. She was 90 years old. She’s the one who got me started on this long and sometimes painful spiritual journey. Thank you, Louise Hay. RIP.

This week I…

Music of the week: Demi Lovato, Marren Morris, Joan Osborne, Taylor Swift, Mariah Carey, Natalie Merchant, Lea Michele, Kelly Clarkson

Joan Osborne did an album of Bob Dylan covers. It just came out today. It’s awesome. I have been missing that passion in her voice. It reminds me of the old Joan Osborne. However, I wish she did a cover of Nina Simone songs. That I would KILL for. I need someone I like to do a cover of Nina’s songs. Alicia Keys is a big fan of hers. She should do it.

I can’t wait for the new Demi Lovato album. Coming soon!

TV of the week: Big Brother, The Real Housewives of NYC

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal by Jen Waite. It was good, but it took me until the very end to figure out why she wrote the book. I kept saying, “This is a great memoir, but what’s her point?” It isn’t revealed until the end.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, school work, and working. Fun times. I’m taking my test early tomorrow morning (7-ish) and then I’m working for the rest of the day. Hopefully. I still have to get feedback before I work more. If I can’t work, I’ll do school work and clean.

On Sunday, I’m grocery shopping. And on Monday, I’m mowing the lawn. I don’t know how much I’ll get to work. If it were up to me, I would work all weekend. But at least I get to do school work if I can’t work as much as I want.

Have a nice weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Only thing I ever needed

OMG. I don’t know what to do. Abilify (the generic) is costing me $275.00 for a 90 day supply. However, I split the pill so it will last me 180 days. I’m lucky that splitting the pill works for me. I’m also lucky I can afford $275 right now.  I have so many concerns. Will it go up again? WHEN will it go up again? What if I don’t have the money next time? (lack mentality).  Can I get a warning like I did last December? I received no warning. I just added the medicine to my cart and got the shock of my life.

I guess I’m going to order it. Fuck. This is BS. It used to cost me $75 for 3 months of the medicine. My antidepressant also went up. I think it doubled to $33 for 3 months worth. That is nothing compared to $275. Help! Unfortunately, I can’t function without Abilify. I tried. It didn’t work. I was extremely depressed. It was horrible.

How can a medicine go up $200 without warning? Huh? My insurance is paying about $1100 on my behalf. I’m thankful for that. But they are acting like Abilify is some luxury drug that people don’t NEED. Well, there goes my savings plan. All my money is going to medicine. I’m still in shock. I’m not only going to cut the pill in half, but I’m going to take it only 6 days a week and pray that it doesn’t go up anymore. I’m no longer taking Abilify on Sundays. I wonder if I could I cut it in fourths and still get results??? I would try it if the pill weren’t so tiny.

This sucks. But with this order, I will have enough medicine for more than 8 months. I already have a decent supply of Abilify right now. The only reason why I decided to order so early is because I have extra money. Geez.

I was going to blog about something totally different today. But this came out of nowhere. Other than this, things are going okay. 😉 I might try to take myself off Abilify IF the price goes up again or IF I don’t have more income. I already tried and failed, so I’m not looking forward to stopping again.

Now I’m rethinking everything about money. I can’t panic. No one knows what the future holds. Everything will be fine. Thanks for reading my freak out. 🙂

UPDATE: Now I find out that Abilify is to blame for compulsive behavior!!! The whole time I thought it was 100% on me. It’s the Abilify! Fuck. I ordered the 90 day supply right before I decided to do research on Abilify. It can cause binging (hello!), gambling addiction and other things. WOW.

This explains everything. I never had a compulsive problem prior to Abilify. I’m laughing right now, but it’s not funny. I would still take Abilify because food addiction is better than depression (for me). Why didn’t my doctor tell me? This info has been out for at least a year, so I will bring it up in June. But I can’t just stop the medication. This is a real problem. I don’t know what to do.

So yeah, I just spent $275 on a medicine that fuels my addictions. Wow. I will still take it for the next 8 months, and then I don’t know what I will do. I can’t take the alternative (Wellbutrin). It’s sort of funny because I was going to blog about my food triggers today instead of Abilify. Oh well. There are drawbacks to everything. Damn.

I have decided I’m going to lower my dosage. I’m going to cut my pills in fourths. (!!) I’ll be taking 1mg of Abilify instead of 2.5mg. That should help with the compulsive behavior, but will it cause depression? Time will tell. If the depression comes back, I will go back to 2.5mg a day.