Only thing I ever needed

OMG. I don’t know what to do. Abilify (the generic) is costing me $275.00 for a 90 day supply. However, I split the pill so it will last me 180 days. I’m lucky that splitting the pill works for me. I’m also lucky I can afford $275 right now.  I have so many concerns. Will it go up again? WHEN will it go up again? What if I don’t have the money next time? (lack mentality).  Can I get a warning like I did last December? I received no warning. I just added the medicine to my cart and got the shock of my life.

I guess I’m going to order it. Fuck. This is BS. It used to cost me $75 for 3 months of the medicine. My antidepressant also went up. I think it doubled to $33 for 3 months worth. That is nothing compared to $275. Help! Unfortunately, I can’t function without Abilify. I tried. It didn’t work. I was extremely depressed. It was horrible.

How can a medicine go up $200 without warning? Huh? My insurance is paying about $1100 on my behalf. I’m thankful for that. But they are acting like Abilify is some luxury drug that people don’t NEED. Well, there goes my savings plan. All my money is going to medicine. I’m still in shock. I’m not only going to cut the pill in half, but I’m going to take it only 6 days a week and pray that it doesn’t go up anymore. I’m no longer taking Abilify on Sundays. I wonder if I could I cut it in fourths and still get results??? I would try it if the pill weren’t so tiny.

This sucks. But with this order, I will have enough medicine for more than 8 months. I already have a decent supply of Abilify right now. The only reason why I decided to order so early is because I have extra money. Geez.

I was going to blog about something totally different today. But this came out of nowhere. Other than this, things are going okay. 😉 I might try to take myself off Abilify IF the price goes up again or IF I don’t have more income. I already tried and failed, so I’m not looking forward to stopping again.

Now I’m rethinking everything about money. I can’t panic. No one knows what the future holds. Everything will be fine. Thanks for reading my freak out. 🙂

UPDATE: Now I find out that Abilify is to blame for compulsive behavior!!! The whole time I thought it was 100% on me. It’s the Abilify! Fuck. I ordered the 90 day supply right before I decided to do research on Abilify. It can cause binging (hello!), gambling addiction and other things. WOW.

This explains everything. I never had a compulsive problem prior to Abilify. I’m laughing right now, but it’s not funny. I would still take Abilify because food addiction is better than depression (for me). Why didn’t my doctor tell me? This info has been out for at least a year, so I will bring it up in June. But I can’t just stop the medication. This is a real problem. I don’t know what to do.

So yeah, I just spent $275 on a medicine that fuels my addictions. Wow. I will still take it for the next 8 months, and then I don’t know what I will do. I can’t take the alternative (Wellbutrin). It’s sort of funny because I was going to blog about my food triggers today instead of Abilify. Oh well. There are drawbacks to everything. Damn.

I have decided I’m going to lower my dosage. I’m going to cut my pills in fourths. (!!) I’ll be taking 1mg of Abilify instead of 2.5mg. That should help with the compulsive behavior, but will it cause depression? Time will tell. If the depression comes back, I will go back to 2.5mg a day.

I’m weary

Woohoo! I’m feeling great! 🙂 I’ve only been on Abilify for a few days, but 1.) Abilify works quickly and 2.) I only had it out of my system for 3 weeks.

I’ve always called Abilify the magic drug because it is MAGIC. Thank Buddha. I still can’t eat breakfast at my normal time (around 6 AM on weekdays). But I don’t feel as physically sick.

I learned two things:

  • I need Abilify. That means I’m still clinically depressed. 😦
  • Don’t ever stop Klonopin all of a sudden. Withdrawing from that drug is a bitch. I still haven’t gotten my medicine from the mail order company, but I found a small stash in a suitcase I packed last May.

Other than that, I have no idea why I had to go through 2 weeks of misery. I feel for people who can’t afford Abilify or can’t take it due to the side effects. Hopefully, they can take Wellbutrin or something similar. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to afford Abilify. I just mailed off my order for 180 days of Abilify. They better process it before January 1…in case the price goes up.

What am I going to do if I can’t get Abilify after the 180 days? I don’t know. I NEED something so…………

This week I…

Music of the week: JoJo, Solange, Alicia Keys, Miranda Lambert, A Tribe Called Quest, Kanye West, Ariana Grande, Beyonce

TV of the week: Gilmore Girls,  basketball

Movie of the week: I watched The Intern last Saturday.  Cute movie. I would only recommend it to Anne Hathaway fans. It was a nice escape, but not the best movie.

Books of the week: I finished  The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein. I wish I owned this book. There were so many good passages I wanted to write down in my “quote book, ” but I didn’t have time to do that. Great read.

Still reading  Into Thin Air: A Personal Account of the Mt. Everest Disaster by Jon Krakauer and When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren life planner –


Yes, I went overboard with the poinsettias. I love poinsettias! Anyway, next week I’m going back to basics.

Plans for the Weekend: Not much going on. I’m doing fun things like working on my vision board this weekend. Except it won’t be a board. I’m doing it in my planner. I decided to not take my final this weekend since I was feeling physically and mentally ill. I’m taking it on December 31 instead. I have to study for that.

Have a great weekend! 🙂

Just get through the day

Apparently, I am one of those people who NEED medicine. 😦 I am on an anti-depressant, but that by itself doesn’t work for me. I need Abilify. That kind of sucks because I don’t know how much it will cost in 2017. For one person with the same insurance as me, she said it will be $500. That sounds outrageous, but that seems about right from my understanding.

I just have this doom and dread feeling. Nothing excites me. I’m weepy, and I’m never like that unless there is a legit reason. Well, prior to being on Abilify, I was really depressed. I wanted to kill myself all the time.

I don’t know what the solution is because of the price of the Abilify. I know I can get it before 2017 with an affordable copay.  I can afford to pay the $37 pay, but anything more? Uh, nope. I am going to the doctor on the 21st because he tried to put me on Wellbutrin instead of Abilify. That might’ve work except Wellbutrin can’t be crushed, and I can’t swallow pills. I need to crush them to take them. I never got to try the Wellbutrin.

I feel like I can’t deal with anything more. All I can do is work. Not that working is easy, but I can do it. Last night I got into the bed at 6 PM!! I didn’t go to sleep, but I got into bed. I never do that. The last time I did that was when I was not on Abilify. So medicine is the answer. And fuck off to people who believe medicine is all a ploy. Can these people understand any situation they aren’t living in?

They are lucky enough to NOT need medicine, and they want to crap all over people who do take it. Screw them.

I feel bad for my dog. All mommy wants to do is nothing. I wish I could take him to the park since I feel better in the afternoons, but it is too cold. Can you imagine if I had kids?? ugh.

I also feel physically sick. 😦 😦 I haven’t felt this way (physically or mentally) in a while.

I’m glad I have an appointment with the shrink on the 21st. But I don’t know if I can deal with the depression that long. I do have an old prescription for Abilify. I don’t know if the drug store will even fill it. It is so old. Sigh. I just need something.

Since I don’t have part-time work right now (but they swear it is coming), I will have dinner, get on my treadmill and then have a dance party tonight. Dancing always makes me feel better. It is exercise after all. I should do ‘stuff, ‘ but I don’t feel like doing stuff. I have a test on Saturday. I might study for that. Anything other than getting into bed at 6!

One more thing: I found out that I’m on the bottom totem pole at work (full-time job).  What a way to make me feel great!!! My manager is out for the holidays, so I don’t think the threat is imminent. blah. I may blog more about this later.

This probably doesn’t make sense. Whatever. PUBLISH.

Update: I got on my treadmill, did a little planning, and took my dog for a walk. I feel better. For some reason after noon, I feel better. The mornings are so rough, though. Now it is time for a mini dance party. I’m getting in bed at 8 PM. That’s kind of normal for me. But I don’t go to sleep until 10.

I wish the mornings would get better! Or maybe I should just be thankful for the afternoons?

If I really meant it

I think I’m going to talk to my shrink about weaning myself off Abilify. My copay has already gone up, and it is going up more in January. I can’t afford to be depressed, but I’m willing to take a chance.

Thanks, Obama! Most people’s health insurance costs are going up. I don’t blame the health insurance companies. The Affordable Care Act is really putting them in a tough spot. There are so many benefits to “Obamacare” so I’m for it, but there are drawbacks as well.

If I were voting for my interests only, I would not vote for Clinton in November. But I consider everyone when  I vote so I’m  voting for her. Not that she’ll get much done. I still don’t know how I’m going to vote locally. I have more research to do.

Anyway, I see my shrink next month. I hope I don’t get depressed. I literally mean I can’t afford it. I have to be able to work two jobs. I’m already slow at my part-time job. I’m doing about 20% of what I’m supposed to be doing. I hope they are taking into consideration that I’m new and  I work full time.

I chose to take two days off at my full-time job so I could possibly take the board exam in early December. lol. Um, I’m so not ready. At this point, I’ll probably take the exam in March. I already paid for the test, so that’s not an issue. I can’t believe  I thought would be ready in December. Oh well.

This week I…

Music of the week: JoJo, Jess Glynne, Solange, Britney Spears, Ellie Goulding, Lady Gaga, Alessia Cara, Frank Ocean,

I had to really listen to Solange’s lyrics to fall in love with her album. All of her albums are solid. So far I still love her first album the most. JoJo’s album is also good. I just adore her voice. I’m so glad she can make music again. I was not expecting to like the new Lady Gaga album, but I enjoy it so far.

TV of the week:  Survivor, presidential debate.

I enjoyed the debate, but I still fell asleep during it. I’m glad the debates are over. I hope this election will be over quickly.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I’m almost done with The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Annonymous. Now I have to do the work with the steps. I just started reading The Things We Wish Were True by Marybeth Mayhew Whalen

Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping, working on my certification class and working my part-time job. My main goal is to get as much work done as possible.

Thanks for reading! 🙂

Don’t be killing my vibe

ROFL! My check on October 15th will be for $40! hahaha. I was planning on paying off debt and opening a new savings account for taxes. Um, nope. I didn’t know I was only being paid for work done during September. Thanks for telling me. I was in training during September. That is why my paycheck is so low.

This made me realize how much I NEED the money. Now I have to wait until November 15 to really get paid. 😦 The good thing is that I will be getting a much bigger paycheck next month no matter what.

I need to work my ass off until October 31. My therapist suggested  I take a day off once a week. That’s laughable. I can’t afford to take a day off. Days off are for people who can afford it.  Once I reach my money goals (could take a couple of years), then I will rest. I need to work while I can. It’s not like this PT job is year round work. The company has down time.

Rest is a luxury…but I will continue taking my daily nap. 😉 That can’t go away.

I recently found out that my insurance company won’t pay for Abilify the same way anymore starting in 2017. I get it for a really low copay now, so I understand. I’m confused about what this really means. I guess I can get the generic version, but I think my copay will still go up. That sucks. I just want to be able to get it still somehow.

Prior to Abilify, I couldn’t get out of bed at one point. I could go to work, and that’s about it. I was really depressed. Abilify saved my life! I’m scared to go off it even though I might not need it. I would rather pay more money for it than risk it.

This week I…

Music of the week: Jess Glynne, Jojo, Solange, Andra Day, Little Mix, Ariana Grande, Frank Ocean

Song of the week by Jess Glynne

I’m so late with Jess Glynne. Where have I been?? I have no idea. Liking the new JoJo and Solange. I haven’t listened to either enough to have a strong opinion.

TV of the week:  Survivor, presidential debate.

Movie of the week:  I finished the Amanda Knox documentary. I don’t know whether she’s guilty or not. I know it sounds bad to say I don’t care, but I don’t lose sleep over it. I don’t understand the fascination with this case, and I’m a true crime person aficionado.

Book of the week: Still reading The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Annonymous I’m only 23% through it.

Plans for the Weekend: Um, work. I only have to go out on Sunday to pick up my prescriptions. I plan to get a lot of school work done and work at my PT job.

Gotta get back to work. Hopefully, I can have a dance party later tonight like I did last night even though I was so tired.

Have a fun weekend! 🙂

I swear that it is mockingly. WTF?

******BREAKING NEWS***** I ate half of a biscuit. I also had lasagna. I went to Subway. I’m a naughty girl. Yep, you guessed it: I am no longer wheat/gluten free. I don’t know how I feel about it. This is the first “diet” (way of eating) that I’ve ever tried. I don’t do diets. But I liked the discipline involved. I didn’t like the lack of options. I finally got fed up when I noticed that the chicken salad and cole slaw had wheat in it. I’m so done!

I did learn a ton though.  (Wheat is not good for you!) And I won’t eat certain foods that I know are bad for me. That kind of includes pasta. Pasta makes me feel icky after I eat it. Anyhow, I will be eating healthier than I was before. No regrets. I don’t want to blame my decision on the cost of going gluten free but that didn’t help. It was more about options.

I won a book from Goodreads. YAY!  I won Something Pretty Something Beautiful by Eric Barnes It’s funny, 95% of the giveaways I enter are nonfiction. What do I win? a fiction book! That only matters because I feel obligated to do a review for the book since I’m getting it for free. I don’t like doing reviews at all but I am especially bad at doing reviews of fiction. I have no idea what to say…super glad I won though.

I also won a $20 Amazon gift card (not from Goodreads). I don’t know what I’m going to do with that. I’m scheming. #WINNING

*****Breaking News pt. 2******* My shrink took me off Abilify. Just ignore my depression. There is no withdrawal. I can start taking it again at anytime. When I started using it, about 3 years ago, I was suicidal. I’m glad to not have to get the prescription filled. I hope it works but since I’m already a little depressed, I’m a little concerned.

A year ago at this time I was in Oaxaca, Mexico. I miss it. 😦 I want to do a post on that later this week.

Bleeding Out

Have you noticed a slight change in my mood? Well I have been taking Abilify for 2-3 weeks straight which is sort of a record. The last time I took it daily was when I was suicidal about 2 years ago. What would I do without Abilify? I hope I don’t have to find out anytime soon. I have also gotten my appetite back so I won’t be 105lbs again. :/ Abilify always increases my appetite.

But all isn’t well or anything. I’m just trying to navigate my new life since I’ve moved. I’m off today. YAY! Yesterday was super disappointing. Let me tell you about my worst ever yoga experience. I will not be going back to her class. The only semi-good thing was that I attempted a head stand. I could have done it if I weren’t terrified. The blood rushing to my head felt sooo good though. But I’m scared of doing flips etc so I thought I might fall over.

The class just isn’t a good fit for me. The #1 thing I want from a yoga class is relaxation. Sure I want the other stuff too but relaxation is a must and this instructor didn’t seem to give a damn about that. Between that and her not showing most of the poses….UNLIKE.

Now I’m worried about whether joining the Y was a good choice. I can go to any Y (for now) but this gym is 5 minutes from my place. Nothing is that close to me besides a Kroger. (side note: Kroger is my weakness. I haven’t been in over a week. Yay me). Soooooooo…..I will try water aerobics there only because I got to see the pool during the gym tour. I don’t feel comfortable going to a new Y and trying water aerobics for the first time.

I brought my first EVER swimsuit yesterday. It took visits to 5 stores before I could find a swimsuit. Even the sporting goods store didn’t have any. I could not find water shoes and I’m worried about the bottom of the pool being slippery. I’m just full of anxiety, aren’t I? But at least I have a bathing suit and I’m going to attempt going to a class on Tuesday or Wednesday.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about yoga. I will probably drive 15 minutes to another Y. My therapist prescribed yoga for me (for my PTSD). I will try as many classes as possible until I find one. I will try doing yoga from videos or from an app…but that requires feeling free in my apartment. Not happening right now.

Speaking of apps: I am not returning my iPad. It is so unnecessary but also useful. I found the perfect planner app. It is called Opus Domini. It is awesome.