Why do I keep looking back?

The leaves are turning colors and dropping from the trees, but it is so hot! Well, it is in the upper 80s, but it is very humid. I’m the last one to complain about it being hot. But’s it’s October, and I have this new vest I want to wear, and it’s too warm to wear it. Gah! It’s just weird with the leaves changing colors and all. I hope this means we will have a warm winter like last year. AND NO SNOW. Please!!! We did get snow last year. I hate snow and winter. Hate it.

I got my 4th Depo injection today.

Nurse: It is worth getting this shot to not get pregnant, right?

hahahahah. ROFL. Um, I don’t have to worry about EVER getting pregnant. Never have. Hopefully, never will. Too funny. 😉 Anyway, God, please let my period stop. Please. Last time I got the injection, the bleeding stop immediately. Today not so much. Bummer. It’s not heavy at all, but I’m on Depo-Provera, and I shouldn’t be getting my period. Well, I recently went 20 days straight without bleeding. What a concept! I believe Depo will work for me. I’m not going to continue to get injections if the bleeding doesn’t stop.

I’m glad Harvey Weinstein was fired. I feel bad for the women he abused and/or raped. What a monster. And people in Hollywood knew this. Did you read that Meryl Streep said she didn’t know??! I’m sorry, but what a liar. EVERYONE KNEW. Does she live in a cave in Hollywood? I’m serious. She didn’t know? WTF?! How could that go on so long and who else is doing the same thing? This must be stopped.

Oh and now Jennifer Lawerence is saying she didn’t know. How could she not know? I guess a lot of people will be added to this ‘I didn’t know’ list. So I’ll stop counting. I just find that hard to believe.

I have decided I’m not going to continue with Abilify after mid-December. That’s scary. The last time I went off Abilify I was so depressed. I couldn’t hold food down until after 10 AM. I wasn’t hungry most of the time. Maybe I will lose weight. I was just hopeless and sigh. It was really bad. So this will suck.

I don’t know what else to do. Abilify takes some inhibitions away. It leads me to be impulsive. I still say it is great for depression, though. I’ve got from now until December to come up with something.

Apparently, there’s no hope for me when it comes to depression. 😦 Unless I can get TMS somehow. I will ask my shrink about it in December. I will tell him EVERYTHING like he is a fucking counselor. He will get how Abilify (almost) ruined my life. I will take notes in even though I probably won’t have to use them. He knows Abilify makes 1 in 3 people impulsive. Yet he said nothing. FUCK him. But I wanted it. lol. It works, but I can’t take the side effects anymore. I’m done.

I was going to quit on my vacation this week, but who wants to be depressed on their week off? Besides it really wouldn’t hit until next week. Who wants to be depressed ever? *whines* I don’t know what to do, but I know for sure that I will stop taking Abilify. Btw, it can be stopped suddenly unlike most antidepressants.

In conclusion, I think I’m going to stop taking Abilify before seeing my shrink in December. That way I can describe how I felt and prove that I really do need SOMETHING. I just have to pick a date to stop. I may stop very soon as in this week because I know the depression won’t hit until a week or two later. I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay motivated for one job, much less two jobs. Double sigh.

Here is a short video explaining a little of what Abilify can cause:

I’m sure there are better videos on the topic, but I don’t want to watch them. I already know what Abilify can do from personal experience. I don’t like how he doesn’t say that Abilify actually works. The problem is the side effects. It can cure depression, schizophrenia, etc.

I’m enjoying my time off from my full-time job. So much to do and so little time to do it. Right now I want to take a break from everything and have a dance party for 20 minutes, so that is what I will do. Bye. 🙂



Love on repeat

I’m so sad to hear about the earthquakes in Mexico. The one that happened two weeks ago affected Oaxaca badly. I keep thinking about the people there and the buildings. Oaxaca is such a wonderful place. I hope to go back one day. I can’t even look at pictures of the damage.  I pray they don’t have any more earthquakes. 😦

And poor Puerto Rico. No power on the whole island?? That’s when you know things are bad.

Guess who is going to boot camp on Saturday morning? I’m so scared. I have never been to a boot camp, and other people will be there (!!). It’s free, and it’s not ongoing. It will be at a park. There will be a different free exercise activity in parks around the city for the next 6 weeks. I might skip hiking. That is too social for me. I have a feeling people would want to talk, and I would appear standoffish. I would love to go hiking alone, but with other people around? Ack!

Boot camp? What if it’s hard? What if I can’t keep up? What if I look foolish? I have to go, right? lol. I have only been to this park once and nowhere near where the boot camp will be. The map online isn’t helpful at all.  I’m going to have to get there early to find out where it is.

Forget Depo-Provera. I think I didn’t start gaining weight until I started Abilify. Another strike, but it is still worth it. Unfortunately, I can’t operate without it. AND the price was lowered to less than $1 a pill. Amazing! So what do I do? I honestly don’t feel like I have much of a choice. Some people would say go gluten-free and exercise more or something like that. But I know that would take me a while and I don’t believe it will work for me, so I have to be on something in the interim.

Do people not get it? When I’m depressed, I can’t exercise. I’m in bed. Gluten-free? Who gives a shit? I just want to die. Abilify can be evil, but it works for me. I know it doesn’t work for everyone.

I won’t see my shrink again until December. I have that long to think about it. Maybe I will ask him about TMS since there isn’t an alternative to Abilify (for me). I have a feeling he will not go for TMS. As I see it, my options are to stay on Abilify or get a new shrink. My shrink is okay, but I don’t feel like I can talk to him easily. That’s probably 100% on me. I won’t blame him.

Hopefully, I won’t keep posting about Abilify. I just need to make a tough decision. The price going down by $200 really complicates things.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Nelly Furtado, Jem, Jillette Johnson, Julia Michaels, John Mayer, JoJo, Britney Spears, Shawn Mendes

TV of the week: Big Brother, The Kalief Browder Story

I followed Kalief Browder since I first heard of his story a while ago. I think he was in Rikers at the time. I remember thinking, “This shows how messed up the ‘justice’ system is.” I wish he could have beaten his demons. I was so glad when he was released, but prison messes with your head…especially Rikers! How tragic. 😦

I honestly don’t see how anyone believes we have a fair justice system. Some people aren’t paying attention.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: Currently reading –

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo: A Novel by Taylor Jenkins Reid (fun book)

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Boot camp!!! I’m so anxious. Have I mentioned that? I hope enough people show up. More than 10, but less than 30 would be good. I want the people who put this together to be successful, but too many people might terrify me.

I will also go grocery shopping, work, mow the front yard and study.

Have a fabulous weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

That’s what’s going on

Work is killing me. Both jobs. Sigh. I didn’t realize Monday is Labor Day. I will be working at my part-time job. But I do get a day off from the FT job. I’m auditing work (re part-time job) which is great experience if I knew what the hell I was doing. I’m waiting for feedback on the work I did this week. I’m so scared. I might request a one on one session because I feel lost.

I see my psychiatrist on the 13th. I see him 4 times a year. I really want to get off Abilify. It causes impulsive behavior. Some people have lost many things due to that drug (due to gambling addiction etc.), but IT WORKS. I’m not depressed. I’m not in bed all the time. However, the side effect of impulsive behavior can ruin lives.

I used to be so different. I was frugal before I was on Abilify. I don’t remember when my eating habits changed, but I’m sure Abilify made me more impulsive. Before being on the drug, I wouldn’t even think of ordering food. Now I think about it 1 – 3 a week. I don’t order out that much (thank the Universe), but I THINK about it.

Depression sucks. I wish I could just be depressed, but it affects my work. Depression affects everything. If I didn’t have to work, I would just stay in bed all day with no Abilify. I know that sounds strange. That is how bad I want to get off the drug, but I can’t allow anything to mess with my productivity. So Abilify it is for now.

Wow, I just found out Louise Hay passed away peacefully in her sleep on August 30th. She was 90 years old. She’s the one who got me started on this long and sometimes painful spiritual journey. Thank you, Louise Hay. RIP.

This week I…

Music of the week: Demi Lovato, Marren Morris, Joan Osborne, Taylor Swift, Mariah Carey, Natalie Merchant, Lea Michele, Kelly Clarkson

Joan Osborne did an album of Bob Dylan covers. It just came out today. It’s awesome. I have been missing that passion in her voice. It reminds me of the old Joan Osborne. However, I wish she did a cover of Nina Simone songs. That I would KILL for. I need someone I like to do a cover of Nina’s songs. Alicia Keys is a big fan of hers. She should do it.

I can’t wait for the new Demi Lovato album. Coming soon!

TV of the week: Big Brother, The Real Housewives of NYC

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal by Jen Waite. It was good, but it took me until the very end to figure out why she wrote the book. I kept saying, “This is a great memoir, but what’s her point?” It isn’t revealed until the end.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, school work, and working. Fun times. I’m taking my test early tomorrow morning (7-ish) and then I’m working for the rest of the day. Hopefully. I still have to get feedback before I work more. If I can’t work, I’ll do school work and clean.

On Sunday, I’m grocery shopping. And on Monday, I’m mowing the lawn. I don’t know how much I’ll get to work. If it were up to me, I would work all weekend. But at least I get to do school work if I can’t work as much as I want.

Have a nice weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Only thing I ever needed

OMG. I don’t know what to do. Abilify (the generic) is costing me $275.00 for a 90 day supply. However, I split the pill so it will last me 180 days. I’m lucky that splitting the pill works for me. I’m also lucky I can afford $275 right now.  I have so many concerns. Will it go up again? WHEN will it go up again? What if I don’t have the money next time? (lack mentality).  Can I get a warning like I did last December? I received no warning. I just added the medicine to my cart and got the shock of my life.

I guess I’m going to order it. Fuck. This is BS. It used to cost me $75 for 3 months of the medicine. My antidepressant also went up. I think it doubled to $33 for 3 months worth. That is nothing compared to $275. Help! Unfortunately, I can’t function without Abilify. I tried. It didn’t work. I was extremely depressed. It was horrible.

How can a medicine go up $200 without warning? Huh? My insurance is paying about $1100 on my behalf. I’m thankful for that. But they are acting like Abilify is some luxury drug that people don’t NEED. Well, there goes my savings plan. All my money is going to medicine. I’m still in shock. I’m not only going to cut the pill in half, but I’m going to take it only 6 days a week and pray that it doesn’t go up anymore. I’m no longer taking Abilify on Sundays. I wonder if I could I cut it in fourths and still get results??? I would try it if the pill weren’t so tiny.

This sucks. But with this order, I will have enough medicine for more than 8 months. I already have a decent supply of Abilify right now. The only reason why I decided to order so early is because I have extra money. Geez.

I was going to blog about something totally different today. But this came out of nowhere. Other than this, things are going okay. 😉 I might try to take myself off Abilify IF the price goes up again or IF I don’t have more income. I already tried and failed, so I’m not looking forward to stopping again.

Now I’m rethinking everything about money. I can’t panic. No one knows what the future holds. Everything will be fine. Thanks for reading my freak out. 🙂

UPDATE: Now I find out that Abilify is to blame for compulsive behavior!!! The whole time I thought it was 100% on me. It’s the Abilify! Fuck. I ordered the 90 day supply right before I decided to do research on Abilify. It can cause binging (hello!), gambling addiction and other things. WOW.

This explains everything. I never had a compulsive problem prior to Abilify. I’m laughing right now, but it’s not funny. I would still take Abilify because food addiction is better than depression (for me). Why didn’t my doctor tell me? This info has been out for at least a year, so I will bring it up in June. But I can’t just stop the medication. This is a real problem. I don’t know what to do.

So yeah, I just spent $275 on a medicine that fuels my addictions. Wow. I will still take it for the next 8 months, and then I don’t know what I will do. I can’t take the alternative (Wellbutrin). It’s sort of funny because I was going to blog about my food triggers today instead of Abilify. Oh well. There are drawbacks to everything. Damn.

I have decided I’m going to lower my dosage. I’m going to cut my pills in fourths. (!!) I’ll be taking 1mg of Abilify instead of 2.5mg. That should help with the compulsive behavior, but will it cause depression? Time will tell. If the depression comes back, I will go back to 2.5mg a day.

I’m weary

Woohoo! I’m feeling great! 🙂 I’ve only been on Abilify for a few days, but 1.) Abilify works quickly and 2.) I only had it out of my system for 3 weeks.

I’ve always called Abilify the magic drug because it is MAGIC. Thank Buddha. I still can’t eat breakfast at my normal time (around 6 AM on weekdays). But I don’t feel as physically sick.

I learned two things:

  • I need Abilify. That means I’m still clinically depressed. 😦
  • Don’t ever stop Klonopin all of a sudden. Withdrawing from that drug is a bitch. I still haven’t gotten my medicine from the mail order company, but I found a small stash in a suitcase I packed last May.

Other than that, I have no idea why I had to go through 2 weeks of misery. I feel for people who can’t afford Abilify or can’t take it due to the side effects. Hopefully, they can take Wellbutrin or something similar. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to afford Abilify. I just mailed off my order for 180 days of Abilify. They better process it before January 1…in case the price goes up.

What am I going to do if I can’t get Abilify after the 180 days? I don’t know. I NEED something so…………

This week I…

Music of the week: JoJo, Solange, Alicia Keys, Miranda Lambert, A Tribe Called Quest, Kanye West, Ariana Grande, Beyonce

TV of the week: Gilmore Girls,  basketball

Movie of the week: I watched The Intern last Saturday.  Cute movie. I would only recommend it to Anne Hathaway fans. It was a nice escape, but not the best movie.

Books of the week: I finished  The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein. I wish I owned this book. There were so many good passages I wanted to write down in my “quote book, ” but I didn’t have time to do that. Great read.

Still reading  Into Thin Air: A Personal Account of the Mt. Everest Disaster by Jon Krakauer and When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren life planner –


Yes, I went overboard with the poinsettias. I love poinsettias! Anyway, next week I’m going back to basics.

Plans for the Weekend: Not much going on. I’m doing fun things like working on my vision board this weekend. Except it won’t be a board. I’m doing it in my planner. I decided to not take my final this weekend since I was feeling physically and mentally ill. I’m taking it on December 31 instead. I have to study for that.

Have a great weekend! 🙂

Just get through the day

Apparently, I am one of those people who NEED medicine. 😦 I am on an anti-depressant, but that by itself doesn’t work for me. I need Abilify. That kind of sucks because I don’t know how much it will cost in 2017. For one person with the same insurance as me, she said it will be $500. That sounds outrageous, but that seems about right from my understanding.

I just have this doom and dread feeling. Nothing excites me. I’m weepy, and I’m never like that unless there is a legit reason. Well, prior to being on Abilify, I was really depressed. I wanted to kill myself all the time.

I don’t know what the solution is because of the price of the Abilify. I know I can get it before 2017 with an affordable copay.  I can afford to pay the $37 pay, but anything more? Uh, nope. I am going to the doctor on the 21st because he tried to put me on Wellbutrin instead of Abilify. That might’ve work except Wellbutrin can’t be crushed, and I can’t swallow pills. I need to crush them to take them. I never got to try the Wellbutrin.

I feel like I can’t deal with anything more. All I can do is work. Not that working is easy, but I can do it. Last night I got into the bed at 6 PM!! I didn’t go to sleep, but I got into bed. I never do that. The last time I did that was when I was not on Abilify. So medicine is the answer. And fuck off to people who believe medicine is all a ploy. Can these people understand any situation they aren’t living in?

They are lucky enough to NOT need medicine, and they want to crap all over people who do take it. Screw them.

I feel bad for my dog. All mommy wants to do is nothing. I wish I could take him to the park since I feel better in the afternoons, but it is too cold. Can you imagine if I had kids?? ugh.

I also feel physically sick. 😦 😦 I haven’t felt this way (physically or mentally) in a while.

I’m glad I have an appointment with the shrink on the 21st. But I don’t know if I can deal with the depression that long. I do have an old prescription for Abilify. I don’t know if the drug store will even fill it. It is so old. Sigh. I just need something.

Since I don’t have part-time work right now (but they swear it is coming), I will have dinner, get on my treadmill and then have a dance party tonight. Dancing always makes me feel better. It is exercise after all. I should do ‘stuff, ‘ but I don’t feel like doing stuff. I have a test on Saturday. I might study for that. Anything other than getting into bed at 6!

One more thing: I found out that I’m on the bottom totem pole at work (full-time job).  What a way to make me feel great!!! My manager is out for the holidays, so I don’t think the threat is imminent. blah. I may blog more about this later.

This probably doesn’t make sense. Whatever. PUBLISH.

Update: I got on my treadmill, did a little planning, and took my dog for a walk. I feel better. For some reason after noon, I feel better. The mornings are so rough, though. Now it is time for a mini dance party. I’m getting in bed at 8 PM. That’s kind of normal for me. But I don’t go to sleep until 10.

I wish the mornings would get better! Or maybe I should just be thankful for the afternoons?

If I really meant it

I think I’m going to talk to my shrink about weaning myself off Abilify. My copay has already gone up, and it is going up more in January. I can’t afford to be depressed, but I’m willing to take a chance.

Thanks, Obama! Most people’s health insurance costs are going up. I don’t blame the health insurance companies. The Affordable Care Act is really putting them in a tough spot. There are so many benefits to “Obamacare” so I’m for it, but there are drawbacks as well.

If I were voting for my interests only, I would not vote for Clinton in November. But I consider everyone when  I vote so I’m  voting for her. Not that she’ll get much done. I still don’t know how I’m going to vote locally. I have more research to do.

Anyway, I see my shrink next month. I hope I don’t get depressed. I literally mean I can’t afford it. I have to be able to work two jobs. I’m already slow at my part-time job. I’m doing about 20% of what I’m supposed to be doing. I hope they are taking into consideration that I’m new and  I work full time.

I chose to take two days off at my full-time job so I could possibly take the board exam in early December. lol. Um, I’m so not ready. At this point, I’ll probably take the exam in March. I already paid for the test, so that’s not an issue. I can’t believe  I thought would be ready in December. Oh well.

This week I…

Music of the week: JoJo, Jess Glynne, Solange, Britney Spears, Ellie Goulding, Lady Gaga, Alessia Cara, Frank Ocean,

I had to really listen to Solange’s lyrics to fall in love with her album. All of her albums are solid. So far I still love her first album the most. JoJo’s album is also good. I just adore her voice. I’m so glad she can make music again. I was not expecting to like the new Lady Gaga album, but I enjoy it so far.

TV of the week:  Survivor, presidential debate.

I enjoyed the debate, but I still fell asleep during it. I’m glad the debates are over. I hope this election will be over quickly.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I’m almost done with The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Annonymous. Now I have to do the work with the steps. I just started reading The Things We Wish Were True by Marybeth Mayhew Whalen

Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping, working on my certification class and working my part-time job. My main goal is to get as much work done as possible.

Thanks for reading! 🙂