I’m always running from my life

Good news: I’m off Depo Provera! Of course, it won’t leave my system for a while.  She put me on another birth control. This time it is a pill. The only problem is that I don’t swallow pills so if it says, “don’t crush” I am so screwed. She didn’t tell me the name of the pill so I can’t research it. She sent the prescription straight to my pharmacy.  I’m going to pick it on Saturday. I just hope I can crush it and that it works to stop my period.

UPDATE: I picked up my BC pills today. She put me on Bilsovi Fe. I can’t tell if they are chewable or not. PLEASE God let them be chewable. That would be so great! This is what I like the best about this pill:

After several months on treatment, bleeding may be reduced to a point of virtual absence. This reduced flow may occur as a result of medication, in which event it is not indicative of pregnancy.

I don’t like the “several months” part, but maybe since my body is still on Depo, it won’t take that long. Or I might be doomed and have a period forever. blah.

She asked if I wanted an ultrasound to see if I had fibroids. I was thinking “YES!”, but then she mentioned that it would be painful. Um, I don’t voluntarily do pain so that’s a no. I had no idea that an ultrasound would be painful. I’m so glad she mentioned it before I agreed.

Abilify update: I was able to eat a light breakfast this morning and drink coffee! So maybe I’m not doomed. I’ve been off Abilify for about 16 days. I can definitely tell a difference, but I’m not extremely depressed. I just hope this lasts. I don’t want to start back up again. But I can’t go to LA depressed. I just can’t.

I was hoping my dog would get to stay with my mom during my trip, but he’s being boarded. 😦 I know he hates the vet so leaving him there will suck. It’s also another expense, but whatever.

I just canceled my downtown LA hotel and I’m so sad. I really, really, wanted to stay downtown. Now I’m stuck near the airport.  There seems to be nothing of interest within walking distance. This changes my whole trip. BUT I do get free shuttle service to the airport and to the hotel so that will save me some money. I will probably go downtown via an Uber. Since I’m not staying at the other hotel, I don’t have to worry about the noise from the nightclub. YAY.  The hotel is very nice and I got a decent deal.  Wifi isn’t free. Bummer. I’m not sure I’m going to pay for it. At this point, I’m leaning towards not paying for it.

My sad itinerary is as follows as of today –

Friday: Manhattan Beach

Saturday: Downtown LA, Gabby Bernstein

That will probably change. I’m not sold on going to the beach even though I love the beach. I was supposed to be exploring downtown LA both days.

I’m trying to do my packing list. It is so long. I’m only taking my purse and a carry on suitcase. Most of the things I’m taking are small. Do I really need 2 Kindles? I’m serious because when I went to Las Vegas, my Kindle battery died and that sucked. I hate long plane rides. Hate them. I’m going to buy The King’s Speech (a movie I’ve been dying to see for years) for the plane ride. I also have Psycho which I’ve seen about 50 times.

I’m going to download a bunch of podcasts on my iPad. Yes, I’m taking my iPad too. Of course! However, I’m not planning on taking a laptop. I think 2 Kindles, a cellphone, a real book and an iPad is enough for a plane ride.

I go from being excited about LA to blah. It is a little overwhelming. But I went to Las Vegas alone and Mexico alone. If I can handle Mexico City’s airport, I should be able to handle anything. Mexico City’s airport was crazy!! I said I would never go through there again.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8):  Pink, Paramore, Taylor Swift, Ke$ha, Kelly Clarkson, Tim McGraw, Demi Lovato, Ed Sheeran

TV of the week: basketball, news, Homeland, Vanderpump Rules

Movie of the week: I watched Weiner last night. I didn’t think it was as great as most people seem to think it was. I thought it was sad. I was rooting for Anthony Weiner when he ran for mayor of New York…until the second set of photos and texts were released. Sad documentary and now he’s in prison.

Podcasts of the week:  A Killing on the Cape, All In With Chris Hayes, The Lively Show, Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations

Books of the week: Now reading –

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Get To Work Book (coming Sunday)

Plans for the Weekend: I’m staying in! Woohoo! I did everything I had to do on my 3 days off. I’m probably going to stress a little more about LA. Now I know it wasn’t a good idea. I think I was on an Abilify ‘high’ when I decided to book everything. Now I’m back to reality. Not smart. :/ Oh well. I’ll blog more about this next time.

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend. 🙂


Why is everything so heavy?


18 days until Marianne Williamson’s NYE retreat (via live stream)

26 days until I see Marianne LIVE

39 days until I’m going to Los Angeles to see Gabrielle Bernstein LIVE

Ugh! I’ve been off Abilify for 2 weeks, and already I can’t eat breakfast in the morning. 😦 What’s next? Suicidal thoughts? Fuck. I feel very foggy for most of the day. The evenings are great/good. So I don’t know what to do. I think I’m going to keep not taking Abilify unless I get really depressed. I don’t want to go around being depressed when I can just take a pill. Plus, with Los Angeles coming up, I can’t afford to be depressed. I have to plan the trip!

I wouldn’t have stopped Abilify if I knew I was going to travel. I would’ve waited until I got back.

I’m freaking out a little about LA for several reasons. I’m flying to Chicago and what if there’s a huge snowstorm there and I can’t get to LA? I chose Chicago without thinking about the weather. I just wanted to be able to choose my seat. Delta wouldn’t guarantee that so I chose dreaded United Airlines and I liked the Chicago route best. I used United Airlines to go to Vegas, and I said I would never use them again. Anyway…

And then there’s the hotel. Apparently, there is a nightclub near or in the hotel. I’m staying there on a Friday and Saturday night so I might not get any sleep. I need sleep. I’ve fallen in love with downtown LA, and I don’t want to stay anywhere else, so I think I’m taking my chances. If I can’t sleep, I might have to try to find another hotel. Yes, that’s risky and a waste of money, but I need my sleep. NEED. There is a small chance I might cancel the hotel I picked, and just choose a more expensive hotel.

With the cost of taxis, this trip might cost as much as Kripalu! I know I can take the metro from LAX to my hotel, but who wants to do that after traveling across the country? LOL. I’m taking a taxi to and from the airport, and I will probably take an Uber to see Gabby. Ick. That’s going to be about $150.

So that’s what’s been going on since my last entry. A condensed version of what’s in my mind. I just hope I don’t get really depressed from lack of Abilify. I can always start taking it again if I have to. The mornings are just tough.

I’m off from work for the rest of the week. YAY! 5 day stay home vacay! 🙂 Well, I have to go to the doctor on Thursday to see about birth control options. Not for sex (in case you are new).

What the fuck did I just do?

I am dying. This is real BREAKING NEWS: I am going to see Gabrielle Bernstein live in Los Angeles on January 20!!!! Hotel booked. Flight booked. Gabby booked. Am I nuts or what? ROFL.

This is insane. I’ve never been to Los Angeles. I’ve never been to California. The closest I’ve been is Las Vegas. I can’t believe it. WTF? This isn’t just about Gabby. Well, I wouldn’t have gone to LA without her book signing thing (more on that later). But I kind of wanted to get away NOW instead of doing Kripalu in July. I’m very sad that I’m not attending Kripalu in 2018. 😦 I really, really, wanted to go. But the price is so high.

Oh, and I also got a VIP ticket. Hahaha. I had to, right? All I get is 4 copies of the book and what am I going to do with all those copies?? I get priority access to her book signing. I am going to meet Gabrielle Bernstein. And there are two other online workshop things I get for the VIP thing.

The 4 books thing is nuts. I already have the Kindle version coming on January 2 and then I’m probably going to get the Audible version because I have a credit and I don’t know what else to buy with it. Then I’m going to have at least one book signed by Gabby. That book I’m keeping forever. Obvs. The 3 other books…not sure. I don’t want to give people books called The Judgement Detox because they might think I think they are judgemental. Lol. I’m not doing that. I will probably just leave one with a note somewhere, and maybe a kindred soul might find it.

WHO CARES ABOUT THE 4 BOOKS? I just booked a trip to see Gabby Berstein in LA!!! Is that not crazy?

Btw, it’s not just a book signing. She is giving a talk and doing a Q & A. Gabby is my favorite motivational speaker. It’s a blessing to get to see her speak live. The book signing is after the talk.

I’m staying in downtown LA because I want to be able to walk to where I want to go. At this point, all I’m planning on doing is walking to The Grammy Museum and The Staples Center (30-minute walks). Everything else I want to do is much closer. I’m going to the Grand Central Market and the LA River. That’s it. I’m not going to be there long, and I’ve never really wanted to go to LA. So I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

Yeah, I could have seen Gabby in NYC, BUT I’m going to see Marianne Williamson on January 6. I couldn’t do both. I thought about canceling Marianne since it is easy to do but I really want to see her talk in person.

Anyway, I’m insane, and I’m going to LA on January 19 for two nights. 🙂 I still can’t believe it. Do people do shit like this? What is going on? Okay, I’ll stop. I will have more to say about this when the date gets closer. I will provide links to my itinerary and stuff like that later. I know people can’t wait (<— sarcasm)

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, Pink, Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran, Tim McGraw, Demi Lovato, Halsey

TV of the week: basketball, news, RHOBH, Survivor

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week:  A Killing on the Cape, Pop Shop Podcast, True Crime Garage, All In With Chris Hayes, The Lively Show

Books of the week: I didn’t get to finish reading all of  What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton. From what I read, it is a great read. I skipped over a lot of the parts on Russia because I’m so sick of hearing about Russia. Other than that it was enlightening.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Who cares? I’m going to see Gabby Bernstein in LA!!!111!!! Can I be more obnoxious? Yes, I can but I won’t. I have 3 days off next week! YAY. I’m going to get Showtime for a week and watch everything I can before I have to cancel. lol. I finished shopping for December 25th. Thank the Universe. I still have to buy my mom one small thing for her birthday, but other than that I’m done with gifts. I bought my dog a $10 toy for Xmas. That might be normal for some people, but that is absurd for me.

I still have school work to do. I must blog about this dismal course later. It is not looking good folks. Lots to say about this.

Quick Abilify update: I’ve been off Abilify for 8 whole days. I think I feel okay, but sometimes I feel a hint of a wave of sadness if that makes any sense. So I dunno. Will blog about this later too.

I’ve got to read my Bible and get ready to listen to a podcast so I can fall asleep. It took all afternoon for me to book everything and I’m a nervous wreck right now. I better go.

Have a wonderful weekend! Thank you for reading. 🙂

I want to let go

**********BREAKING NEWS********* Yes, this is like cable news when some of the stories really aren’t breaking news. But here goes: I’ve joined a Bible study group! AND I have a “new” Bible. It is an online Bible study group. It’s Lisa Marie’s God & Glam group. (Google it if you are interested). No, I’m not a Christian, but I want to read the Bible again. I haven’t seriously read it since I was maybe 12 years old? One reason I decided to join Lisa Marie’s group is because she’s not reading the Bible in order. I’ve tried that, and I’m not interested in that.

I didn’t buy a new Bible for this. I was planning on it. Something told me to ask my mom if she had an extra Bible. She had a brand new in the box Bible!! I think it was mine from when I was a teenager. Someone probably gave it to me as a gift, and I never opened it. LOL. How sad. Anyway, it is gorgeous, black and bonded leather. It is the NKJV (New King James Verison) study Bible.

I really want an English Standard Version Journaling Bible because I’ve never read an English Standard version. I’ve been eyeing one on Amazon. I might ask for it for my birthday, but my bday is 5 months away. I never wait that long for something I really want. I will probably just buy it for myself.

I’ve been harsh on Christians and Bible believers in the past. I used to judge them as not smart. I know that’s bad and unfair.  This was when I was a teenager. I still have judgments against Christians. I’m trying to stop judging them. I think the main issue for me is that I don’t believe everything in the Bible. I see it as Greek mythology. I love Greek mythology, but I know it’s not real.

Eventually, I plan on doing my own research into Christianity and God. And I will come to my own conclusion. I will probably have a ton of books to read, so I’m not doing it right now. Right now I’m making a reading list.

In conclusion, I’m beginning to study the Bible. I’m taking it slow. I don’t know if God really exists in that way.  I don’t know if I believe in the whole Adam and Eve story and a bunch of those stories. I’m doing my own research starting in 2018.

Abilify update: I’ve been off Abilify for 6 whole days. Gasp! I’m trying not to worry. Oh, and my doctor appointment in December has been canceled. My doctor is recovering from an injury.  So now I won’t be able to see him until February. The good thing is that if I get really depressed again, I think I have enough Abilify to last until then. However, I don’t want to go back on Abilify. EVER! But I can’t walk around being depressed until February.

Anytime I feel a hint of sadness, tiredness or I don’t feel like working, I’m trying to tell myself it’s not because I’m not on Abilify. This is just how I feel sometimes. I think. (??)

Totally bummed the tax bill passed. 😦

Find the courage to start over

**************BREAKING NEWS************** I am now off Abilify. I’m taking at least a two-week break because that is when I’m going to the doctor. I’ve been off Abilify for 3 days now. Don’t be shocked if I start blogging about suicide. I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen. I hope I don’t get depressed like I did last time I went off the drug. I also couldn’t eat until after 10AM last time.

Note to self: The last day I took Abilify was on Tuesday, November 28th.

I have an appointment on December 14th with my OB/GYN. I’m going to tell the doctor that Depo-Provera isn’t working for me. Last time she suggested adding another birth control to the DP (!!). But maybe I can switch to something totally different. Whatever works.

I just got back from my final dog training lesson. LOL. I’m not sure it was worth $200. This lesson lasted only 20 minutes (!!) because we couldn’t find any dogs. Well, we did find one owner with two dogs, and I was able to keep my dog from reacting. However, the problem is that the park I go to has narrow trails. I HAVE TO pass dogs in narrow spots, so I think this was a waste of money. Of course he is going to react to a dog that is very close to him.

I’m going to keep on trying though. It is so frustrating to consistently fail at something though. I may just give up one day. But for now, I’m going to keep on using the slip lead whenever we go to the park.

UGH! I was so sloppy with the job thing I mentioned in my last entry. I sent a bad cover letter just because I wanted to respond. Not a good idea. What if I really want to work for this company one day? Sloppy!! WTF was I thinking? I shouldn’t have responded at all. But I had this silly idea of “if it’s meant to be…” ugh! I’m disappointed in myself, to say the least.

On a better note, I watched Gabby Bernstein’s live stream last night and OMG I felt like I could conquer the world. I have to build on that. I did sign up for her new Judgement Detox course. Between Gabby Berstein and Marianne Williamson, I should be ready for the new year.

My issues are do I want to leave my job? Move?  I do want to move somewhere where snow isn’t an option. I love where I live (most of the time), but I hate the winter, and sometimes we get snow. I don’t like snow. I don’t want to deal with it. I need green pastures and warm weather. All. The. Time. 🙂

I have so many ideas. I wrote some of them down, and I probably will share them once I finish. I can live here and be content. Winter isn’t that bad. There are more important things like do I want to give up working from home for an office job or an outdoors job? I love working at home. Love it. I am willing to give it up for a job I feel passionate about.

Gabby inspired me so much last night. I could go on and on about all the ideas I have. I think my main thing is to concentrate on is a budget. In fact, I’m working on a budget for December tonight in my new binder. 😉

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Ke$ha, Paramore, Lorde, Pink, Shawn Mendes, Demi Lovato, Kelsea Ballerini, Kelly Clarkson

TV of the week: basketball, news, RHOA, Survivor

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week:  True Crime Garage, All In With Chris Hayes, The Rachel Maddow Show, Fresh Air, Wrongful Conviction (<–awesome podcast)

Books of the week: I’m focusing on reading What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton (great read and I’m not the biggest HRC supporter), Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Ed Tarkington and Be the Pack Leader: Use Cesar’s Way to Transform Your Dog and Your Life by Cesar Millan. I only have two days left to read Clinton’s book before it expires. 😦 I don’t think I’m going to finish.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Get To Work Book


Plans for the Weekend: If I didn’t have packages to pick up from my mom, I wouldn’t have to drive anywhere this weekend. I don’t mind going to my mom’s house though. I’m off next Wednesday. I wish I was staying home, but I’m doing December 25th shopping. I just want to get it out of the way on a weekday when it won’t be so crowded.

The most important thing is that I have a test on Sunday morning. I have been delaying this test for weeks because I haven’t felt ready, but now I’m going to try to tackle it. On Saturday, I’m studying all day. What fun.

Tonight I’m taking a night off from studying since I had to go to dog training. I’m going to work on my budget and work on Gabby Berstein’s Judgement Detox course. She has a lot of worksheets I need to print out, so that is what I’ll be doing so I can just do the course without interruptions.

Have a great weekend! Thanks so much for reading. 🙂

Miss independent and avoidant

OMG! The damn school kids are back at the park. I think I’m going to go to the park after work even though that messes up my schedule. Anything to avoid the kids. I’m the queen of avoidance. I know they are doing field trips there for a decent reason. Yes, it is nice that the kids get to enjoy the park. But there are much nicer parks than the one in my neighborhood. I think they are taking in the elementary school from the city. That could take a while. We have a lot of elementary schools.

If they weren’t blocking the one and only neighborhood entrance, this wouldn’t be a big deal, but I have my dog with me. He has to pass the kids. Blah, blah, blah. I can’t wait until it’s over.

For #GivingTuesday, I donated to St. Judes. I had planned to donate to The Innocence Project a cause I care deeply about. They do so much good work. I will donate to them soon.

I supported Small Business Saturday through Etsy shops. I did participate in Cyber Monday. I don’t even like Old Navy. I think their clothes suck (or used to think that). But they had 50% off EVERYTHING. Who else did that? So I ordered my mom and sister something for December 25th. I also bought myself a scarf. I will finish my shopping for gift exchange day on December 6th. I’m off from work that day.

The dog training is not going well AT ALL. Did I just waste $200??! WTF? Not good. I think my dog is too reactive and nothing might work on him. It could be 100% me, though. I can’t concentrate on everything she is saying while I’m so nervous. The next and last class is on Friday evening. I don’t even want to go, but maybe there is a chance this training could work. I couldn’t find much online, so I’m pretty much on my own.

Sigh. I’m always on my own. Some people are too dependent on others. I’m too independent.

Well, I have to get back to studying. I was supposed to apply for a job. Someone reached out to me. The pay would be better, but I honestly don’t feel like responding today. I’ll probably respond tomorrow. It might be too late. Whatever. I’m not motivated to change jobs right now. And I’m really not motivated to go on an interview.

You don’t like me today


33 days until Marianne’s New Year retreat

43 days until I get to see Marianne speak in person (!!)

We just got through part I of the private dog training. Um, help? I need to get on YouTube quick or just search the net so I can get better before our next meeting on this upcoming Friday. She kept telling me to relax. Honey, I cannot relax around people I don’t know. I don’t know you. I don’t know strangers at the park. Yes, that is part of the problem because my dog notices I am tense (only when other people or dogs are around) and he tenses up. I took two Klonopin for the training which is something I rarely do. What more do you want me to do?

Anyway, I’m going to practice walking my dog all week the way she taught me. With the help of the internet, I hope to have it down by next Friday. If there is nothing on the net, I might be in trouble. I had to pay the $200 up front, and my heart broke a little. Lol. We are going to meet somewhere other than my house next week. I’m a little nervous about that because there will definitely be more dogs.

The trainer said my homework was to relax. Sigh. Btw, I really do like her. She’s a great trainer. I hope it doesn’t come across that I dislike her or anything. I just get annoyed at the “just relax” comments because I get them all the time.

I went to Michaels on Thanksgiving. It was kind of a disappointment. I only went because they opened up the store for reward members one hour early.  I hadn’t been to Michaels (one of my favorite stores) since May. I forgot that they would have all these Christmas decorations out, so that doesn’t leave room for random things like gifts. Blah. I did buy my mom one gift from my dog. Haha. But other than that I just bought a few things for me.

I bought myself a big ass coffee mug. I LOVE mugs. I can’t have enough of them especially after I got my Keurig coffee maker. What else did I buy? Wrapping paper and bible highlighters. No, I don’t highlight a bible. But the pages in A Course in Miracles are just as thin as a bible. I don’t normally wrap presents. I just started doing it last year after stopping for years. I usually throw things in a gift bag because I suck at wrapping things.

So Michaels was very blah. At least next year I know not to go there expecting cute gifts for others. I didn’t go anywhere else (or online) for Black Friday deals. I didn’t even have fun looking at things because people had shopping carts. I needed a cart since I had the wrapping paper, but I knew that wouldn’t work. It would only get in the way of others. Other people just don’t care. I was in a row, and a lady was about to steamroll me down with her cart to get by. Sigh. I just went to another aisle. All I was doing was staring at planner stuff I don’t need anyway. 😉

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Shawn Mendes, Ed Sheeran, Sam Smith, John Mayer, Tim McGraw, Ke$ha, Nelly Furtado, Mary J. Blige

TV of the week: basketball, news, RHOA, Survivor

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week: Accused, The Thrive Global Podcast, True Crime Garage, TED Talks Daily

Books of the week: I almost finished Truly Madly Guilty by Liane Moriarty. That book was at least 50 pages too long. I made it about 75% through before I had to return it to the library. I would have given it 3 stars if I had finished. I skipped to the ending to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Why did she have to drag it on so long? It wasn’t a horrible story. Just too long.

I finished reading Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brene Brown. Excellent book. 5 stars. A must read. This book is my favorite Brene Brown book. I think I’ve read all her books. This is a very timely book about many things including how we dehumanize others. For example, Democrats like to make Republicans seem like the devil, and it goes the other way around too.  Not good. Obvs. We are more than our political beliefs.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren Planner (coming Sunday)


Plans for the Weekend: How boring can I be? I don’t have any major plans. I do plan to have fun with some things I shouldn’t have ordered. Lol. I’m making myself two notebooks/binders from scratch (sorta), and I bought a bunch of stuff to make the notebooks. One for home and one to carry in my purse. #NerdAlert I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to creating these notebooks/binders. That is how I get my fun. I just hope it works out because I spent too much. :/

Regardless I’m going to make it work.  I just want a place for notes, my budget and all my important papers in one place. I’m going grocery shopping again on Saturday. I don’t know if this is a good idea, but whatever. I should have tried to get everything last week. Ugh. Sunday I get to stay in all day. Well, there is always the park where I get to practice my new dog walking skills.

I just got all the things I ordered for my binders. I have finished studying for today, so I’m going to work on my binders now. Fun times. Thanks for reading. Have a fun weekend! 🙂