I’m still a dreamer

This entry is going to be about my mom, and I haven’t typed much, and I already feel bad. This is going to be a judgemental entry. I’m judging her behavior. I’m just acknowledging my judgment. I know she’s my spiritual assignment and blah, blah. I was going to come here with my guns blazing and say she’s this and that. But I’ve since done my spiritual work (mainly A Course in Miracles), and I don’t even want to do this entry anymore.

But anyway…

This goes back to my birthday vacation and how different we are. On the first day, I thought, “Oh no! I’m so screwed”. But it actually all worked out. It wasn’t a bad trip at all. On the day we arrived, I wanted to go out to the local beach. She wanted to stay in. I couldn’t believe it. But I know her.

She would rather stay in on vacations and WATCH TV. I kid you not. We are so different. Like I said this end up being a good thing, but at the time, this kind of sucked. I was beating myself up for not going out by myself.

I just have to keep this in mind whenever we go on vacation together. My dog saved the trip too. Thank god he was there. 😉 Next year I don’t think we are going on vacation because I’m not sure I will able to afford Kripalu and a beach vacation. BUT if I can afford both, I will do it. We might do two nights at the beach for my birthday, and then I can do Kripalu with Gabby Bernstein in June or July.

Kripalu is so expensive because I want my own room. After being around people all day, I will want my own room. I’m an introvert after all. But I am considering a dorm or a roommate situation if I have to.

LOL. This entry was supposed to be a bashing entry, but I’m not even worried or concerned about it anymore. I’m over it.


I hate Depo-Provera right now, but I know it is teaching me patience OR it could be teaching me just to deal with my period and don’t try to stop it. Sigh. I don’t know which one it is. Should I stop the Depo after only two injections? Then what was the point of all this? I don’t want to give up just yet. The only side effect I have is a heavier and longer period, btw. bleh.

I wish I could try TMS therapy for depression. I already know of a doctor that can do it. But the insurance company won’t pay for it because I don’t fit ALL the criteria. I have been diagnosed with major depression (that’s good for insurance purposes). However, there are so many hoops. I think I’m going to ask my doctor about it next time I see him in June.

I’m not taking Abilify anymore after I run out of what I have (sometime in 2018 if it doesn’t expire before then) so I need to do something. I either need a new anti-depressant, or I need TMS. I don’t think any of the anti-depressants on the market will work for me. 😦 I know that’s the wrong attitude to have. Ideally, I would love not to take anything for depression or anxiety. But I tried that recently and it didn’t work.

I’m not giving up on not taking any meds. Nor am I 100% sure I want to go med-free. I’m currently researching so I can know what to do in 2018 when I run out of Abilify.

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