I see no beauty in the resistance

I just want my fucking period to END. Why can’t I have a very early menopause? Depo-Provera has fucked up my period, and I’m not happy. I know it is supposed to take a minimum of 6 months to end a period. It could take up to a year. I will probably have my period on my vacation next month, and that sucks.

I’ve had my period for 11 days. However, it wasn’t all bad. Only the past 3-4 days have been bad and just obnoxious. I can’t wait for this to be over.

To make all this worse, I was listening to a talk this morning and someone mentioned Viktor Frankl surviving the Holocaust and I still felt bad for myself. ugh.

People without a meaning in their life are exposed to aggression, depression, and addiction

-Viktor Frankl

I was going to do an entry on my spiritual practice and I probably will. But right now, I’m not feeling very spiritual. After what happened in the waiting room at my PCP’s office, I thought about giving up. But now that I’m back in the safety of my own home, I probably won’t give up.

I don’t feel like the Universe has my back right now.  I woke up feeling this way. And then I went to the doctor’s office, and everything exploded. I didn’t take Klonopin before I went and that was the problem. Klonopin relaxes me. I have to take it when I’m around people. Have to, or I will have experiences like I did today.

A woman was kicking her feet up. Full stop. I know this sounds crazy. It would be nice if someone could relate to how much this bothered me. Anyway, she knew it was driving me nuts. I tried to turn away from her (not the whole time). She kept kicking higher. The point is that why bother being “spiritual” if I can’t sit in a doctor’s office with other people?

What if I can’t enjoy Kripalu because other people are there? What if I can’t work at a different job because people are there? Doesn’t that make me screwed? How can I be spiritual with this going on? Spirit works through people. I have no people. I can’t be the lighthouse for others. What others? I can try to blog about it, and the people who need to read what I have to say will find my blog. That’s one way I can be a tiny lighthouse.

I felt defeated as I waited for the doctor to come see me. I feel better now. But I’m still questioning everything about the Universe and spirituality.

My blood pressure is somewhat fine. It was 120 over 78. Unbelievable. How did that happen? It could be situational. Or it could be the green juice and exercise. I don’t know. I don’t understand why my blood pressure is sometimes high and sometimes fine. I went to the GYN almost 3 months ago. My blood pressure was 130 over something. That’s prehypertensive. It could be due to me being terrified at the OB/GYN. But I don’t think so.

I was shocked when the nurse told me my BP. Shocked and relieved.  I had bloodwork done, and I’m waiting for results.

Instead of an entry detailing my newish spiritual practice, I leave this instead because this is where I am with the Universe and everything.

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