you left me kneeling

I just found out my cousin has a brain tumor. She’s 17. 😦 Why is this happening to her? She wants to live. All she wants to do is go to college. (her words)  I would gladly take the tumor if it were possible. It is so unfair.

Prior to learning the above,  my mind was on work. Everything was going well at work until today. Fuck. I can’t win. Why try? I’m just waiting for them to fire me. Of course, I’m still working in the meantime. Trying to do my best. Fuck those fuckers.   I should kill myself before I lose my job. I’ve been thinking about it. But do I want to kill myself over a job? Plus I am too much of a coward.

Sometimes I hope the GYN tells me that I have some incurable disease. It is possible. I haven’t had a pap smear in about 5 years. I have never done a breast exam. I could have something. Then I would be FREE. I wouldn’t have to work because I would be dying. I would probably go into heavy debt and travel the world.

It probably sounds like I hate my job. Well, two years ago everything changed. Before that, I LOVED my job. How many people can say that? A year ago is when I started disliking it. But no, I don’t hate it. I could always kill myself. I could always kill myself. I could always kill myself. I could always kill myself. I could always kill myself. I could always kill myself. I could always kill myself. I could always kill myself. I could always kill myself. I could always kill myself.  I keep telling myself that, but then nothing happens.

Anyway, I took my dog to the park yesterday:

dog @ park
dog @ park
favorite flowers
favorite flowers

I also went to Red Lobster:

broiled flounder & broccoli
broiled flounder & broccoli

The broiled flounder wasn’t as good as the first time I had it. But it was still good. I cheated and had two rolls. Yesterday the scale said 125. I’m not dumb enough to get on the scale today. I’ll wait a couple of days for the cheat day to take effect.

This week I…

Music of the week: Carly Rae Jepsen, Laura Welsh, Bea Miller, Ellie Goulding, Tori Kelly, Joss Stone, Rico Love, Alex Winston

Song of the week: Shura – 2Shy

This song is the shit. It sounds like a Janet Jackson song. Janet should come up with something like this. It would be a hit.

TV of the week: Big Brother

Vanessa is a good player. Even if I am not fond of someone, I have to respect a good player. But she isn’t great because she tells too many lies. A great player either doesn’t lie or can lie without people finding out. Vanessa does neither.  I was rooting for Steve to win. I guess I still am? Or maybe I don’t care who wins this year. I think James could win….

Movies of the week:  I watched Boyhood (awesome!), Cake (blah, but watchable), Two Days, One Night AKA Deux jours, ne nuit  (French film – Not as good as Boyhood but much better than Cake). 😉

Books of the week: I’m focusing on library books this week. I finished Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty. I’m glad I didn’t know it was about kindergartners going in. I would have never read it. Decent read. I give it 3 and a half stars out of 5 stars. I don’t think I’ll read another book by her.  Now I’m focusing on Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeon.

Planner update: 

plans of the week
plans of the week
Advertisements