I can’t pretend anymore

I have a problem. Anyone reading this is probably saying, “no shit”. Anyway, at night time all of my anxiety goes away…unless people (or noise) is around. That sounds like a good thing, right? But a little anxiety is good for you. I participated in small business Saturday without meaning to. WTF was I thinking? I “only” spent $34 but that money could go to a lot of things.

At night, I’m free. I’m not as anxious about money as I am during the day. KEEP ME AWAY from online stores at night. I usually don’t have that problem because I’m not usually surfing the net at night. But when I do…trouble! Sigh. What did I buy? Knitting stuff, of course. Knitting is getting me into all sorts of trouble. I’d rather knit than study. I’m spending waaaaay too much money on it and I’m not even buying the expensive yarn.

I need an intervention but no one is going to do one. LOL. So I must do it myself. I just spend money and then feel guilty. 😦 I will stop because I do hate debt and I like having a savings…but sometimes when I make extra money, things get a little nuts. This knitting obsession has to go away eventually. ?? I don’t know. I feel like I have accomplished something when I knit (or read, or study or DO anything). But knitting can cost money. However, it does not have to be expensive. AT ALL.

With all this being said, I will post pics of my new stuff on the blog. Cause it pertains to knitting and I’m excited about it. I love this stuff…help me!

In knitting news, I finished my chunky scarf (yay!) and I made progress on my afghan. Pics coming later this week.

————

Spin class: I went back for the 3rd time. I’m finally getting the hang of it. Some of the instructor’s snarky comments are getting on my nerves though. Look woman, I’m new at this (and she knows this). You are an instructor. You are supposed to be excellent at it. BUT I’m trying this new thing of not giving a shit about what other people think or say. Step #1: Go to spin class. Do it wrong. Who cares? I’m still burning calories and sweating. That’s the point.  I’ve never even been on a real bike! Whatevs. Just keep spinning.

——–

Missing Ohio State football player found dead. He committed suicide. He also had a history of concussions. Please consider not supporting football until the NFL and NCAA do the right thing. (I don’t even know what the right thing is at this point. Perhaps football is just too violent).

————

I meant to post the following in my last post but I could not find it. I was googling “Brian Williams”. His name is Benjamin Watson. Anyhow, this is almost exactly how I feel about Ferguson.

At some point while I was playing or preparing to play Monday Night Football, the news broke about the Ferguson Decision. After trying to figure out how I felt, I decided to write it down. Here are my thoughts:

I’M ANGRY because the stories of injustice that have been passed down for generations seem to be continuing before our very eyes.

I’M FRUSTRATED, because pop culture, music and movies glorify these types of police citizen altercations and promote an invincible attitude that continues to get young men killed in real life, away from safety movie sets and music studios.

I’M FEARFUL because in the back of my mind I know that although I’m a law abiding citizen I could still be looked upon as a “threat” to those who don’t know me. So I will continue to have to go the extra mile to earn the benefit of the doubt.

I’M EMBARRASSED because the looting, violent protests, and law breaking only confirm, and in the minds of many, validate, the stereotypes and thus the inferior treatment.

I’M SAD, because another young life was lost from his family, the racial divide has widened, a community is in shambles, accusations, insensitivity hurt and hatred are boiling over, and we may never know the truth about what happened that day.

I’M SYMPATHETIC, because I wasn’t there so I don’t know exactly what happened. Maybe Darren Wilson acted within his rights and duty as an officer of the law and killed Michael Brown in self defense like any of us would in the circumstance. Now he has to fear the backlash against himself and his loved ones when he was only doing his job. What a horrible thing to endure. OR maybe he provoked Michael and ignited the series of events that led to him eventually murdering the young man to prove a point.

I’M OFFENDED, because of the insulting comments I’ve seen that are not only insensitive but dismissive to the painful experiences of others.

I’M CONFUSED, because I don’t know why it’s so hard to obey a policeman. You will not win!!! And I don’t know why some policeman (sic) abuse their power. Power is a responsibility, not a weapon to brandish and lord over the populace.

I’M INTROSPECTIVE, because sometimes I want to take “our” side without looking at the facts in situations like these. Sometimes I feel like it’s us against them. Sometimes I’m just as prejudiced as people I point fingers at. And that’s not right. How can I look at white skin and make assumptions but not want assumptions made about me? That’s not right.

I’M HOPELESS, because I’ve lived long enough to expect things like this to continue to happen. I’m not surprised and at some point my little children are going to inherit the weight of being a minority and all that it entails.

I’M HOPEFUL, because I know that while we still have race issues in America, we enjoy a much different normal than those of our parents and grandparents. I see it in my personal relationships with teammates, friends and mentors. And it’s a beautiful thing.

I’M ENCOURAGED, because ultimately the problem is not a SKIN problem, it is a SIN problem. SIN is the reason we rebel against authority. SIN is the reason we abuse our authority. SIN is the reason we are racist, prejudiced and lie to cover for our own. SIN is the reason we riot, loot and burn. BUT I’M ENCOURAGED because God has provided a solution for sin through the his son Jesus and with it, a transformed heart and mind. One that’s capable of looking past the outward and seeing what’s truly important in every human being. The cure for the Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice and Eric Garner tragedies is not education or exposure. It’s the Gospel. So, finally, I’M ENCOURAGED because the Gospel gives mankind hope.

The only thing I don’t agree with is the whole last paragraph. I guess he is a Christian. But I thought I would post the whole thing. These are my last words on the issue. He said what I wanted to say much more eloquently.

Advertisements