I’d be patient if I had the time

SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t take the wait or not knowing. WTF am I supposed to do? I could be packing when I’m actually in my apartment if I knew. Everything will be so rushed.

I’m sick of being a vagabond. From hotels (now motels) to my mom’s house. SCREAM.

As far as work is concerned this is a good time as ever to be in between places or whatever the fuck I am. I’m in the office for about 2 weeks. I HAVE TO FIND A PLACE TO LIVE BEFORE I START WORKING FROM HOME AGAIN. I tried working in my apartment and I wasn’t as successful. I sooooooooooo need this house in less than 2 weeks. I can’t keep moving from place to place. I am now in my apartment about one night a week. What if I don’t get the house or they push it back until June. Then what??

I have never wanted something so specific (this house) in my life. I hope the landlord finishes up his last install early. At first it was mid-April. Now it is the beginning of May. I can see why they want other applicants. Who would wait this long for a particular house? UGH!

I’m scared/nervous/anxious to be in my apartment. No one will understand this so I’m not even going to try to explain. I have my monthly therapy appointment in early May. O god, I wish I knew when.  I have training two days during the first week of May. To be honest cancelling wouldn’t be a horrible thing. I can’t even get a therapist to understand. (Hello?) I’m sick of her telling me not to be afraid of noise. It isn’t just the god damn noise!!!

Dammit, I just want the house…or to know I have the house. If I do get the house, I will try to rent out my apartment a month later (hopefully June). I have never done this before so I’m going in blind. My plan is to get at least 3 people to apply. Who knows how many people I will have to see to get 3 people or even just 2 people to even apply.

This entry is all over the place. I have to know but I can’t know. So what do I do? Just wait or come up with a realistic plan B? I think I will ask to stay with my mom for the next week. Then if I still don’t know or if I get denied for the house, I will have to go back to my apartment. THE HORROR! Please don’t let that happen. I can’t work there so that will be the worst possible outcome. (I mean I can work but it isn’t up to management’s standards).

Look at me now……….and I don’t even have to move yet or find someone to lease my apartment. The stress now is the not living in one place. And not knowing where I will land. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I probably almost weigh 130lbs which I know isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t helping me feel better. I need a routine which is very hard without a home base. I eat whatever because I never know where I will be. I buy food for my apartment and then I land at my mom’s house or at a motel. I went to water aerobics for the first time in 3 weeks last night.

I desperately need this house. Seeing the inside just made me want it more. It was meant to be.

———–

Back at work and back to being around people. I have already been called a name (not a bad word – lol) and gossiped about. People. Gotta hate ’em. It’s funny because it seems like this person was just waiting to see me. She doesn’t work in my department so I don’t know her. I just know that she loves to talk about me. 😉 She gave me a name, maybe I should come up with a name for her. I don’t even know how she looks, I just know her voice. What a bitch. Yeah that is a good name. Nah, I can be more creative.

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