running, running

In less than two weeks I will be at my favorite hotel on the beach! I’m so thankful for the special. On the other hand, I have so much stuff to get done and since I’m using my days off in April and May to ‘travel’, I have no time to get things done like getting tires for my car and finding someone to fix my computer. Oh well, I’ll make it work.

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Self love or simply caring?

I have low self esteem. I don’t think that will shock anyone who reads my blog. I bring this up because my therapist said that the defense mechanisms I use is self love. Right now I would say I’m disappointed in myself. I do hate myself sometimes but I know I could be alone in the woods forever and be just fine (well with books and music, of course). I don’t need company. So I guess that means I do like some of myself.

But protecting myself is just natural. Let me reword it by saying that taking care of myself is maternal. What I’m doing is what a mom what do for her kid. She would protect her kid at all cost.

YES I protect myself from those mean people. YES I do go overboard. No shit. I don’t feel all that loving towards myself especially right at this moment. I’m just super disappointed that I went to a hotel last week. 😦 Bummed. I mean I had a good time and it was kind of worth it but the cost of staying at the hotel is the problem.

I just think ‘self love’ is the wrong term. Caring. Self protective. I want to protect the person who got bullied everyday. I don’t want all that to happen again. It was horrible.

If she thinks it is self love…..okay. Nothing is wrong with self love, I just feel a little far from that. I guess now is the wrong time for that when I’m just kind of down in the dumps over my actions and reactions. If I could only promise myself that I will NEVER do it again.

I will not flee to a hotel again. At night, I’m willing to sleep in my car (only if it is at least 50 degrees, I don’t have my sleeping bag). I can go to my mom’s house but for several reasons I don’t want to go there daily. For one, she lives on the other side of town. Gosh, I really hope I can lease a house when my lease is almost up. (My lease is up in December but I hope I can rent a house in October/November somehow. I’ve been thinking about breaking my lease and renting a house NOW but how many people would rent to me?). I don’t know what I will do this summer. The adults are kind of bad but the kids are…hell on wheels.

I need to focus on saving money to rent a house. I’m pretty sure I’m not resigning my lease for this place. I know moving somewhere else isn’t necessarily the answer.  But all of my living situations have NOT been negative. Plus I have learned from my mistakes. I can do this as long as I’m not sharing walls with someone 24/7. A house………..please.

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I’m a little excited about my May scrapbooking Ebay listing. I have a mix of stuff. Project Life: (cherry, turquoise, olive, blush, jade, wellington, and cinnamon) and a mix of stuff from Studio Calico. I’m more excited that I get to keep half of this stuff for myself. But I also get to sale half of it. I love ebay…sometimes. It can be addicting. :/ At least my Project Life spreads in the future will look better.

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I’m starting to watch “Mad Men”. Yes I’m late. I’m on season one, episode 3. I’m only watching because there was a recent article hinting that the main character might have social anxiety (!!). Anyway, now I’m watching it to see if there are clues. So far I see nothing. The show is okay so far, it is too early to tell if I will end up slowly watching all the episodes. I loved the pilot but thought the second show was average. It was “Mad Men” or watch the “The West Wing” from the beginning. I haven’t seen all the episodes. That could be interesting.

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