letting my past go past

beach

When I said I was making a mix CD for a road trip, I had no idea it would occur so soon! Unbelievable. I’m here at the beach and not even concerned about the beach. That’s because it is about 50 degrees. That’s cold to me.  Uh, no I’m not off work! This is very much a working “vacation”. I am working more here than I could would at home. I’m trying to catch up.

(That picture was taken from the balcony.)

It was silly to come to the beach. I realize that now. But when I booked the hotel I was thinking, “Why pay that much for a local hotel when I can go to my second favorite hotel at the beach for a lower price”? This is semi-off season. Still it was very impulsive and dumb! Go ahead and laugh. I give you permission. 🙂

Yes I ran away. I felt like jumping out of my skin. I couldn’t take another second of him being there all day while I attempted to concentrate. All I could think of was getting out of my skin. So I went to the library for 2 hours. I got a lot of work done but I also booked the hotel. I thought about suicide again. How much should a person fight? When do you give up?

I asked for clarity on this trip even though I knew my main goal was going to be work. Then I listened to the song that give me brief clarity on my past birthday. “Living in the Moment” by Jason Mraz. Cue the cheesy music. Laugh at me again. 😉 I randomly put that song on my mix CD Saturday night because it came up on shuffle. As I was driving to the beach, Living In the Moment came on. I listened to it on repeat a few times. I swear I hope this song helps me again.

I’m going to print the lyrics out and put it in my office (the dining room) and hope for the best. At this point I don’t know what else to do. Jason Mraz summed up every self help book and psychobabble in one song. Buddha bless him. It is definitely easier said than done.

Living in the Moment by Jason Mraz

If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free
I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about some things
That will not happen to me
So I just let go of what I know I don’t know
And I know I’ll only do this by
Living in the moment
Living our life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
Living in the moment
I’m letting myself off the hook for things I’ve done
I let my past go past
And now I’m having more fun
I’m letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyoneA
nd if I fall asleep
I know you’ll be the one who’ll always remind me
To live in the moment
To live my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
I can’t walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I’d been searching for
But I spun around and searched no more
By living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I’m going, I’m already home

I’m at the beach until 11AM on Friday. Tomorrow (Thursday) I hope I get a chance to get in the pool if I can get there first. Then I’m working like a madman. For lunch I’m walking 10 blocks to my favorite breakfast place on the beach. Then back to work. If I’m not too tired, that is when I will walk on the beach and then more work! I will be caffeinated. I don’t have time to be sleepy tomorrow. Lots to do.

More pics from the beach later. Oh yeah, I guess no beach for my birthday! ha. I will probably go to my mom’s instead. I would go camping but I don’t know how to make a tent. Plus I don’t have a tent.

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