where I sleep

3 posts in 3 days…that won’t happen often.

Here’s the truth:

I’m so scared to even move in my apartment. Blogging? LOL. I can barely work! If it sounds insane…well it is driving me insane.

One of my two neighbors is not working any longer. He may have gotten laid off. I don’t know. I feel bad for him because losing a job sucks…..but when he is home all day (like me), I don’t get anything done. I used to get my chores done during the workday. When my neighbors would work, I would do things around the apartment PLUS do my “real” work. Then we they got home, I would pretty much sit still until bedtime. (You don’t wanna live like this – trust me!!)

Now ahhhhhhhhhhhh! He is always home. I am always home -except when I’m at the gym- so I am an irritable mess all the time. No relief. I appreciated so much that my neighbors worked (instead of being retired etc.). I thanked the universe for it. Well there goes being thankful. I swear anytime I say ‘thank you’ for anything, the opposite happens. ALL THE TIME. That is why I no longer say, “I’m so grateful for…….” because that thing will be gone in a flash.

It gets worse! My other neighbor suddenly got a kid from somewhere. (!!) She is a nice girl. We speak and smile when we see each other. She may be around 13 or 14. But WTF am I going to do in the summer? When she gets home from school, she sits right where my office is. There goes the workday. Where did this kid come from? Is she going to be around all summer? If I’m going nuts now, imagine that!

It isn’t my neighbors fault the walls are so thin. The funny and hard to explain thing is that they can only hear me (except I’m not making any noise so they hear nothing). They have a brick wall between them and their other neighbor. I’m the unlucky one with a 1 bedroom. I’m in the middle with nothing but thin ass drywall protecting me from their noise.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY????????

Being grateful doesn’t work so maybe whining in a blog will….I wish.

I just want to be normal. I have tried everything. The only thing that are slightly helpful are not having caffeine. Medicine would probably help a little bit if I took it but I hate being drowsy from the meds so I don’t take them often. Sleep helps a great deal but since my nonworking neighbor is home, he stays up late on some nights on the phone laughing and talking loud. Less sleep = irritable me. I get less real work done.

My job is on the line. It isn’t just because of the lack of training/help. It is my living situation too. I have gone to the library to work for a couple of hours once a week. That is a decent alternative. The solo study rooms are only available for 2 hours per person so I usually go into the group study room and hope no one else comes in. The mall is the other alternative. The downsides to that is there is no electric plug for my laptop and the last time I went the wi-fi was really sluggish. I had to go home because I was getting more done at home than at the mall!

I’m exhausted. I’m extremely worried about losing my job and the above is why. I’m going to hate myself if I lose my job due to my PTSD (triggered by noise in this case).

No solutions.

I also now believe that the universe no longer cares about anyone. Now I understand why people to choose to believe in a god. It must be comforting. The book, Undoing Perpetual Stress: The Missing Connection Between Depression, Anxiety and 21stCentury Illness finally convinced me to stop believing the universe gives a damn. It is a great book. I would recommend this book everyone but especially to all doctors (general practitioners and shrinks).

I realize this entry is a mess and that’s because my life is a mess. I’m envious of people who can easily tolerate living in an apartment (about 99% of the population). Normal. Normal. Normal. That is all I want. Apparently I am asking for too much?

I had to get this out…I easily typed all this out because I’m not home.

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