I pray but they fall on deaf ears

I wish I could get an MRI. But they costs thousands of dollars. And my real dream is…well I see this as a NEED so it isn’t a dream. Whatever. I dream of living in the country. I know living in the country does not guarantee quiet. One person with the same problem I have moved to the country for the same reason I want to. Guess what? The neighbors ride 4 wheelers and she can hear that ‘all the time’. She has panic attacks over this. (Btw, machine noise doesn’t bother me at all. If they were yelling over the noise, that would be annoying but not anxiety producing).

Another woman with the same problem got DIVORCED TWICE because she couldn’t stand living with her husbands noise. I want to say “Hello, maybe you just can’t live with anyone” but I think she gets it now. Two husbands, too late. I’m not joking about her situation. It’s dire. If I were social, I may have made the same mistake. Instead I brought a house in the city. I’m not doing that TWICE. I have to mention the words – noise anxiety – in case someone wants to google it and find a person with the problem (“Hi!”)

Real problem. No solutions. That sucks.

What happened to A happens so you do B? Example: You have a drinking/drug problem. Solution: Go to rehab. It isn’t easy. It is probably harder than anything I’ve had to do (since I’ve yet to find a solution). But there is a “A” and a “B”.

Dammit, fucking GOD. All I want is an “A” and a “B”. But no. There’s nothing. No hope. The only hope is that I have some physical problem so that people will believe me. People believe in that shit, you know? It’s gotta be PHYSICAL. They get that.

Sorry for the outburst. I’m stressed.

And my betta fish won’t eat so of course he will die. They can only go a week without food. But the frogs are doing okay.

What else? Being in school brings more stress so there you go. Overwhelmed. I so wish I wasn’t in summer school. Not right now. I want to scream. I need to scream.

I don’t know. I don’t really believe in going to general practitioners (doctors). But I might go soon and demand a lab work up. All they care about is pap smears and crap. Give me a fucking break. I don’t think that is causing my life to be a living hell. Screw the doctors! No, I want labs. I just have to google a way to say it. Everything is on Bing and Google. Thank G-d.

Other than the above, everything is going great! 🙂

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