The secret life of

I went out to eat breakfast…by myself. Even though many “normal” people can’t/won’t do this, it isn’t good enough. I wasn’t scared. Well it was great until they seated two other solo eaters near me. Then I became my regular neurotic self. I was fine with the other people at a distance but people near me…is too much to take.


But I stayed. It was just awkward. One random note: Shoneys (a chain restaurant) has the same phone I do! I know this is random BS. But I was surprised to see a business with my phone. It only has two lines. Why did I notice this? Because the other solo eater, followed me out and he asked to use their phone. I couldn’t stop staring at it.

———–

I mention Maslow’s hierarchy of needs a lot. Since I first learned about it in high school, I knew my life was doomed. That seems dramatic. But it sort of explained everything. It put my life in perspective.

The safety thing is the level I can never get past. (Could it happen in the future? I don’t know). That is the reason I brought a house on a whim. Who does that? Someone who has issues. Someone who is stuck on a level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. That is also why I “own” a house and I’ve been living with my mom for the past 3 months. I needed to feel safe. I don’t feel 100% safe here but it is better than living in my house.

And now I want to runaway to the country. Get away from it all. I’ve done a pros and cons list. Bottom line is, it is probably smarter to live in the city in a semi-private house. I just have to find one!!! (And sell my house – LOL). If I have the job I have now, work wouldn’t be a issue. I would still be able to telecommute even if I moved an hour away. Of course management can call us in at any moment. If the phones get really busy, we would have to come into the office.

And then what about the whole “how long am I going to be at this job?” The people who work at home stay at the company longer. Maybe that is one reason why management is all for us working at home. 🙂 The job I have is challenging but not the most intellectually stimulating. But I’m not that bored. Some days are monotonous but then I’ll have a day where it is one thing on top of another. The day when my job is not at all challenging is the day I would want to leave. Of course when I was in the office, I wanted to quit yesterday!

Oh, safety. I don’t have it. I’m not secure. I have low self esteem. My safety issues run deep. Not even therapy helps. This safety issue has pretty much fucked up my life. There.

————

I have to get back to the gym. I know I don’t want to join a gym. I’ve heard the nightmares of gym memberships PLUS it is expensive (to me). So I don’t know what the plan is. I’m still waiting on a deal. I check Groupon and Living Social everyday and nothing in the past 8 weeks. I probably should go to the free gym tomorrow. Just do a mile on the treadmill. Ideally, I would love to belong to a full gym that has a diverse list of classes. But the cost. Is it really worth the membership, to go only once a week? I don’t think so.

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