Queen of (K)nots

There was jury drama today and it wasn’t my fault. Something happened that almost NEVER happens and we the jury weren’t happy about it. I’m done for three years! WHY? Because I served on a jury!!! Of course the lawyers didn’t get a good vibe from me, so I was excused. Hell yeah! I love our justice system….

Nothing makes me feel more like a freak than being with a bunch of normal people. I’m only used to being around the people at work. Then enter new social situation. hahahahah.

I know they dismissed me because I was looking down and not making eye contact. I did make eye contact with the judge once. But basically I acted like a person who is extremely shy or a person with Asperger’s. Of course I was dismissed. Seriously, I forgot to take my beta blocker this morning. So my anxiety was off the hook. The medicine doesn’t make me appear (socially) normal but it doesn’t make me appear like an unsocial animal.

I think the judge/lawyers thought my behavior was due to being cold. The judge made a comment about being cold and then the bailiff immediately comes from the other side of the court and stands directly behind me. 😦 I was cold. But that wasn’t the only reason I was shaking and looking down. Ever heard the FACTS of social anxiety? Probably not so they wouldn’t know.

Aside: How come people NEVER think of a person simply being shy? They will think of anything else but NEVER that unless the person says they are shy. (I’m not saying shyness = social anxiety. It isn’t the same).

Another situation where I get the “She is ——–” vibe is when in stores. Dude, I’m not stealing anything. I’m waaaaaaaay too timid for that. 🙂 They mistake my nervousness for guilt. I’m only mentioning it because it happened today. 2 more points for not feeling strange. Anyhow, when people are in the aisle I’m in, looking at the same stuff, I get nervous. I usually go into another aisle or another part of the aisle. I do this in the library too. Today it was a worker (probably a manager) we kept bumping into each other. I got exasperated. Thinking while people are around is not easy for me so I go elsewhere.

When I got in line, the cashier -while waiting on others- would not stop staring at me. It was so obvious. She had no shame about it either.

What a strange, long day.
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I’m feeling a little depressed. Without the abilify, I’m sure it would be worse. Little things are happening that I have to deal with. The smallest things are overwhelming me. This sucks. I need to have enough motivation to try yoga ASAP…and mow the lawn…and find someone to do a house repair. Overwhelmed. At least jury duty is over.

I’m sure eating crap isn’t helping. My refrigerator (the bottom part) still isn’t working. So I’ve been eating can food which is full of sodium. I’m going to buy some turkey burgers to get a break from the canned crap. I don’t need food making me feel worse than I already do.
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Hopefully I will have a good news post one day…soon.

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