Psychiatric hospitalization

Psychiatric hospitalization is generally both frightening and reassuring to suicidal patients. It continues to carry a heavy stigma and to create personal, economic, and professional difficulties for many individuals. And as we have seen, it does not prevent all suicides…Hospitalization is too often seen by both patients and their doctors as a symbolic defeat or as the treatment of last resort, rather than as an occasional necessity for a serious problem. These beliefs, which tend not to accompany decisions to hospitalize people who have other medical conditions, are pervasive and dangerous, and they stand in the way of good clinical care.

William Stryon, who described his hospitalization for suicidal depression as a ‘way station, a purgatory’ strongly regretted his doctor’s reluctance to admit him to a psychiatric ward:

Many psychiatrists, who simply don’t seem to be able to comprehend the nature and depth of the anguish their patients are undergoing, maintain their stubborn allegiance to pharmaceuticals in the belief that eventually the pills will kick in, the patient will respond, and the somber surroundings of the hospital will be avoided.

From Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison
I’ve found a lot of quotes/passages in this book that I’ve wanted to blog about but I thought I would post this since it is on topic with my most recent posts. I can’t afford a hospital stay. How low can one go? Personal, economic and professional difficulties??? Uh….But if I could get a guarantee of normality by going to a hospital, I’d do it in a second. I know through just my life experiences that guarantees are a joke. Nothing is really guaranteed. I do find it disturbing that Styron doesn’t think doctors know the depth of their patients pain. WHAT? Isn’t that what they deal with all day? Hmmm. I know when I’m feeling suicidal (or anything), I’m not good at articulating it. I can write about it. But if you ask me, I’m “fine”.

And most people know that if you talk too much about suicide, that is a guaranteed hospital stay. I’ve lied to counselors and doctors about wanting to kill myself. I didn’t want to be hospitalized.

I have the utmost respect for people living with schizophrenia and manic depression. I don’t know if I could survive that. To get up every day – especially for the people who are extremely aware – and just getting through the day…I cannot imagine that. Fight on! You are strong.

(Perhaps the above paragraph is worded incorrectly but I’m out of it and hope what I mean comes across).

Perhaps I shouldn’t be reading this book now. Kay Redfield Jamison’s other book: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness literally changed my life. I can’t say that about many books. I made a semi major decision based on her book. I don’t want to divulge what decision that was at this time.
————
My computer “broke” yesterday. I was my own geek squad and manage to fix it myself!! I’m so thankful for that. *Whew* Crisis averted. Microsoft = 😦 One day I may get a Mac desktop but I’m not an apple fan due to my iPod experience. I returned that thing within a week of getting it. But maybe if I got a Mac and a iPod, I could be living happily in Apple world. Maybe I should find out exactly what a iPad does. But if I can’t do dial up with it, then it is pointless. LOL.

What I did on Black Friday:

Worked.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I know people would be like “You should be happy to be able to make extra money” blah blah. But money has never motivated me. Even if I was normal, I would not be making anywhere near 6 figures because my goals are not aligned with money. Anyhow, I’m glad I worked. I somehow managed to get a lot of sleep on Thanksgiving. I did not eat turkey, btw. I don’t get the turkey thing at all. Why do people eat it only 1 day a year if it sooooo good? That doesn’t make sense to me but then again most stuff doesn’t.

Stop the tangent.

Yes, I’m talking to myself. I manage to not buy anything but I’m thinking of getting some gloves from Amazon. They are on sale, a nice brand, lined etc. I do need gloves.

Who cares? I’m working tomorrow too but not for 6 long hours. heh. I’m paying my tuition on Tuesday after work. Some with cash and some with a (temporary) 0% interest check. That is why I’m doing OT. All of my money is going to the tuition and books.

No matter how much sleep I get I’m always so tired.

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