Don’t think

Why is Entourage in syndication? And why did I have to find it? I’ve spent the past two Saturdays vegging out at 8PM and watching the Entourage marathon on VH1. They leave the word “shit” in after a certain time. Anyhow, I’ve been missing college football and SNL over Entourage repeats. Missing football is inexcusable. And Anne Hathaway (love her) was on SNL last night*. I missed 90% of it because I couldn’t take my eyes off Entourage. I used to think the show was overrated but good. 30 Rock is better and wittier…but now I find myself laughing hysterically at Jeremy Piven’s (Ari Gold) character. And Kevin Connolly (E) is the best actor on the show. He has the perfect reactions. IMO, he is the heart of the show. Compared to the other 3 in the ‘entourage’ he should win an Oscar. No offense meant. 🙂 I think he will be nominated one day.

*No I don’t have one of those fancy DVR/Tivo thingies.

Why am I talking about TV when my blood pressure is 135 (over something) NOT 130 like I previously posted. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Who cares? I want to die right? Is it the job or is the general/social anxiety catching up with me? My BP in June was normal so maybe it is nothing. I don’t know

I’m also considering checking myself into an inpatient behavioral health facility. It would do wonders for this blog. I haven’t checked my stats in months because it was depressing but I bet I would get hits then. I know someone at work is reading (Hi!). Checking into a psych ward is easier than making friends, dating, maintaining my own business etc. Easy is the wrong word. However, I sorta know the steps. I can’t do it now. I’m supposed to start school in January. So let’s say I really want to do this, I would do it in the fall of 2011.

Woah, let me back up. WHY WOULD I DO THIS? Because what if this is really a chance to be normal? What if I could possibly have a regular life??? I don’t want to believe this is possible. I don’t even know what I’d do…besides have a really good time visiting Mexico. (Yes Mexico would have to be delayed).

The bad thing is missing work and paying for it. If I do it I have to do it while I have health insurance. Inpatient would be $1800 max for one stay. I don’t think there is a limit. If someone needed 120 days for a serious physical/mental illness, it would still be $1800. That is with insurance and not including taxes, btw. I have no idea how the outpatient thing works. I know it has to be 6 hours a day. That would work better for me but would it cost more? And could I still work a few hours a day and get short term disability?

I know these answers aren’t hard to find but I dunno…If I have a chance at a normal life, I think I should go for it. But the cost is high. I’m not just talking about money. There will also be pressure. I would tell as few people as possible. But what if it doesn’t work? What if my insurance company only gives me X number of days/hours? What if I lose my job after the stay? (Yes I know that is illegal but I’m not that naïve). I find it bothersome that EVERY person at my job that has ever taken short term leave, has NOT come back. These are only people I know about…oh wait, one woman with cancer did come back to work. But the people with the hush-hush illnesses just disappeared.

I’m writing about this in my paper journal also. These are just initial thoughts. I may never do it. Or maybe I will see if going to my counselor more frequently will help? My SA is too severe for just meds and talking to a psychologist but what if there is something I’m missing?

The thought of being normal is so overwhelming. And I hate to say my cat is also a factor but she is. My cat doesn’t even like me. LOL. She doesn’t like other cats either so I don’t take it too personally. Sometimes she is sweet. I think she is bitter about being dropped off at the animal shelter when she was 2 years old. She stayed there for over 4 months. Then I adopted her. I’ve been bitten and scratched a few times. She is so much like me. Well I don’t bite humans because I’m scared of them but I totally would if I could. (?)

Oh the cat issue is that I cannot take her to the vet or ANYWHERE. She will not allow anyone to pick her up. So if I were to do inpatient care, I have no idea what I’d do with her. The only option I know is trapping her. But since I can’t get her to the vet, she won’t have her rabies shot. (She is an indoor cat). Isn’t that illegal? FUCK.

Main issues:

1. cost ($)/making less money
2. missing work
3. cat
4. do I have to tell my mom? (If inpatient – YES – there would be no way around that one)
5. if it doesn’t work, I wasted money and could have gone to Mexico instead

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