I’m a thin bitch

You would cry too if you had SA too. Ungrateful bastards. Laugh all you want. “I wouldn’t let that upset me”. Um, do you have SA? No? So STFU. Next. (I’m coming back to this topic, don’t worry).

My BMI is 16 which is severely underweight. But hello people? I’m 30….not 30.5 like that paper said. I turn 30.5 in January. Geez. Anyhow, I’m getting older. My metabolism is slowing down like it normally does when you get older. Also, my weight fluctuates. I’m not drinking Ensure because I know how to gain weight. I just don’t want to. She said I was the only person she told to GAIN weight. It’s not like I weigh 90lbs. I don’t have an eating disorder. I’m naturally thin. However…

Maybe I’m caught up in American culture. Thin is ALL I have. From my teenage years throughout my twenties, I’ve had a decent body but NO ONE ever saw it. Not even me. I didn’t give a crap what I wore. Growing up we didn’t have much money for clothes and all I had were big baggy clothes. In college, I didn’t have enough money for the 3 meals a day meal plan so needless to say I didn’t eat or buy clothes. Then I become a thrift shop expert.

I have worn clothes too big for years. I still wear some of those clothes. To make a long story short, I’ve just started wearing clothes that fit me. I wear skinny jeans. I wear short skirts/dresses. I still look like I’m in my twenties so why not? I’m definitely not doing it for anyone else. (women or men). I’m not saying I look good. My point is: I’ve finally stopped hiding my body at the age of 30! I’m a late bloomer. Let me be.

And yes it is extremely superficial to say “thin is all I have” but have you read my blog? Can you get why I feel this way? I’m horrible in every other way…according to American culture. I have an ugly face if that makes this sound better.

In June my blood pressure was great. 120 over something. Now it is 130!!! That is pre-hypertension. Dude, that isn’t cool. My job is killing me. At first it was 140 over something. I kid you not. Then the nurse told me to relax for 1 minute and it went down to 130. I can’t tell you how much this call center thing has stressed me out. Plus I’m always anxious which may lead to high blood pressure eventually anyway. I think these past two weeks have set off my ulcers. Okay, I don’t know if I really have ulcers because I would have to go to a doctor for that. But my stomach has felt funky for the past few weeks. It wasn’t an upset stomach.

This is the weird part: When they were taking my blood for the glucose part (or whatev), the other nurses were so concerned.

“Are you okay?”

“Do you want any water?”

“Are you sure?”

“What kind of job do you do” (LOL)

I said “fine” “NO” “yes” (insert job title).

I don’t know what they saw. Crying all day for two days straight may make me look a little stressed. IMO, I was just feeling regular anxiety. I was around strangers! Um, yes that is enough to set me off. I really don’t know what was up with that. I was caught totally off guard with that line of questioning. I wanted to laugh or at least chuckle but I was too nervous. It was weird that ALL of them thought I was going to faint or drop dead.

(Btw, this was all free and I did it just to do it).

I’ll talk about the call center in my next entry. As of now, I’m not on the phone next week so I’m thrilled!!!!!! I will be on the phones the week after, and the week after that etc

I also have to apologize to Ax. I was quick to judge her. I only posted my thoughts here and deleted it the next day. I didn’t tell anyone so I’m going to apologize here but that is a long story and I have to go.

I’m so tired. I think I’m going to dream about what I want to do for New Year’s. I may even surf for hotel deals. I always stay at a hotel for New Year’s because where I live the illegal fireworks are out of control. It is day and night. I don’t want to be more miserable. I have to sleep. I doubt I go out of state. I never have in the past. I’m working crazy OT over the thanksgiving holiday. But 80% of that is going straight to tuition. Maybe if I work OT during December I might buy a working TV. Woohoo!

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4 thoughts on “I’m a thin bitch

  1. Hey there. I could really feel the anger at the beginning of your post. I know when I look around me, all I see are beautiful, perfect people who have no issues of there own. So, it’s easy to get caught in thinking I am the only one with problems. The real problem is that I’m comparing how I feel inside with how others feel on the outside. It doesn’t work.

    Sorry to hear about your troubles with the doctor. I hate it when people question how I feel, especially in situations when I’m not feeling that much anxiety. I had a doctor one time comment on my sweaty palms when I wasn’t even that anxious. Now whenever I am anxious, I’m even more self-conscious.

    Just out of curiosity, have you tried seeing a therapist/psychologist or a psychiatrist for your anxiety? Have you tried any other interventions, like meditating or CBT?

  2. Hi

    Yes I’m seeing a therapist monthly now. I’ve been trying CBT off and on for years. But the problem is my toxic work environment. Even my therapist agrees that it is pretty pointless to try there and that is the only place I see people.

    I do believe in CBT. But I also think the environment is important. If people are really laughing at you…it is kind of hard to say they aren’t.

    As far as meditation goes, I’m doing more of it at work. I’m going to see how it works. I’ve been fighting it because it makes me tired and I’m already tired but relaxing is definitely a little helpful…if one remembers to do it!

    I think inpatient is the only thing that would work for me. Honestly I think I’m just too neurotic. My therapist doesn’t like when I say that. 🙂

    • Hey. Yes, I agree if people are really laughing at you, it may not be the best place for you. I had a pretty toxic relationship with my former boss where she belittled me all the time and I didn’t have the self-esteem to stand up to her. That said, I also believe that my mind created a lot of the negative vibes I got from my work environment. I thought a lot of people didn’t like me. I thought everybody laughed at me behind my back. I thought everybody was beautiful and perfect. All of which aren’t true. Understanding that has allowed me to forgive a lot of people at work and myself, too, for quitting.

      Inpatient care sounds scary and expensive. I don’t know how much that would help with social anxiety. The problem, for me at least, is my deep-seeded beliefs. I don’t know how else to change them except through therapy and CBT. But that’s my opinion.

      I hope your Monday is going okay and that if you’re on the phones this week, it goes okay as well.

      Take care,

      Mike

      • Totally agree on the “I also believe that my mind created a lot of the negative vibes I got from my work environment.” I know this is true for me. I just wish it was easier to get rid of. Trying some CBT stuff on my own.

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