I love the way you lie

I rarely cry and when I do it is at a work place. So it isn’t a soothing cry because I can’t make any noise at all. Then I usually have to go back to the work environment. Eh. I feel very blah right now. I typed the part in italics 2 hours of “The Cry” (while at work).

Have to get this out.

total freakout today. we were taking FAKE calls. I freaked out.

Cried.

I couldn’t sleep last night. came into work early.

Someone people were laughing at me. I don’t think they were my coworkers. My coworkers were probably laughing to themselves.

Do you think I’m just nervous now?

Do you think everything is going to be okay now?

I’m tempted to come in early just so the noisy coworker won’t get the 411. control freak much? she will find out anyway. everyone will know. And that’s cool.

This is TMI for an anonymous blog. Anon this! lol. Anyway, the trainer has diarrhea of the mouth. I’m pretty sure she already told the coworkers – the ones she is close to. and she probably feel like she has to tell my manager. I don’t care about her telling management. They don’t care about how we feel about being on the phones when 10-20% of us have NEVER been on the phone. In fact two others in the class never call businesses…just like me! However, they didn’t cry today.

Don’t tell me it is going to get better with time. No one has been able to teach me to talk so uh???

I do hope I will be able to sleep because the last thing I need is less sleep. If I ever have to be on the phone a whole week, I will probably buy NyQuil. But it isn’t that easy. (I have never tried that even for a cold- I just know that OTC sleep aids do not work for me probably because my insomnia is due to anxiety). I don’t know. Sigh. If I can’t sleep 3-4 days in a row, I’m going to have to call in. I have never done that. Of course they will think “she doesn’t want to be on the phones”. True, but the problem is the ANXIETY and lack of sleep.

I shouldn’t worry about this now. The everyday thing probably won’t happen until January. Ugh, and then I will be in school. I’ll be taking a full load. Fuck. I just hope I can get 5-6 hours of sleep. I sure didn’t get it last night.

But everything is going to be fine. EVERYONE is nervous. FUCK THAT! That is so insulting to people who have social anxiety but these people don’t know any better so ideally I shouldn’t get mad. There’s nervous and then there is social anxiety. They don’t compare.

One more thing. The TPx has gotten into trouble SEVERAL times for her mouth….AT WORK. Why doesn’t she have a mental illness? I think she does. But just because being outspoken and extroverted is considered as positive traits, no one labels them. But hello??? I’m sure she has gotten into more crap than I even know about because she can NOT talk about people (in negative ways) to others. How can that not be an issue of some sort. She has gotten into trouble. And if she wasn’t good at her job, she might have been fired.*

*I in no way want this person fired, btw. I’m just annoyed that she can run her mouth and not have a label. But people like me (who rarely bug people) get labeled. WE are the ones who have a hard time finding a job etc.

I wish I had a trust fund

Or a way out

Or anything.

Reality sucks.

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2 thoughts on “I love the way you lie

  1. Hey there. I just came across your blog. I just want to say I can totally relate to everything you just said. I think it really helps knowing that there are others out there like you–you are not alone. I suffer from social anxiety, as well. It’s intense at times. I quit my job last year because I couldn’t handle it, and I’m now going to grad school online.

    I’m sorry you had such a crappy day. You’re right: people do not understand us. They think we are just shy; when there’s so much more going on. It also pisses me off that extroverted people can get away with anything. I know that’s not the truth, but it sure as hell feels like it sometimes. This may not help, but I do think it will get a little easier for you on the phones over time.

    “No one has been able to teach me to talk so uh???” I can relate to that. I feel like I have the social skills-set of someone half my age (I’m 27). That said, I do think socializing is a learn-able skill. I do have hope (sometimes) about myself–and others, including you.

    Anyway, I hope you can sleep tonight. I’m glad I came across your blog, by the way. It really does feel good knowing that there are others out there experiencing the same things I do. Stop by my blog, if you have a chance.

    Take care!

    • Lindz says:

      Thanks for your comment. I don’t always reply because I often don’t know what to say and I keep procrastinating.

      I’m very sorry you had to quit your job. I’ve been let go a few times so I know how you feel.

      Thanks again.

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