As I Lay Me Down

I just watched the most fascinating yet disturbing documentary on Sophie B. Hawkins. For the past couple of days I’ve had this thought: “ No one* says To-MAT-to”. Sophie’s mom’s says it! LOL. I stopped being a fan of her music but I grew up listening to her…in high school. That’s the music that really counts. I hadn’t heard “Damn, I wish I was your lover” or if I did I had no idea it was her. I only know two Sophie songs and somehow I’m watching a docu on her. Anyway, I had no idea how talented she is. Hmm, this probably belongs in my music blog.
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*By no one in this case I meant 98% of America.

My dad/house invader is gone. GONE. After only 4 days. He was supposed to stay forever (okay, not really but he wouldn’t give me a date). Then when I told him uh, “not happening”, he said until November 1. I’m horrible with dates but I don’t think it’s November yet. And he’s gone. GONE.

Fuck.

Of course I feel guilty. Even though I didn’t do anything. Well except sweared from outside the house while I couldn’t unlock the door. In most houses it would be impossible to hear someone from outside but I live in a shack. I was frustrated because I couldn’t open the door. The lock doesn’t work so that is why I don’t ever use that one. He put the damn lock on and I was up for 12+ hours and I flipped. Quietly…I hope. I know I wasn’t that loud because I wouldn’t want the neighbors to hear me talking to myself. I said “stupid” a few times.

Fuck.

I sat boundaries with him prior to his arrival but I also had PMS. LOL. Today is the last day. YAY!

In my little world, you do not invite yourself to someone’s house stay 2-3 weeks longer than you said you would and then YOU COME BACK TWO MONTHS LATER. I’m sorry but that is not fucking acceptable!!! WTF do you think you are?

It pissed me off. If he had waited a year. Fine (not really since I don’t ever like house guests but I could deal with that). I was in the process of getting my house back together. He ruined it. Now everything is back in the living room. *&^D

So not the point.

WHAT IF HE COMES BACK….??? What if he is so dense that he doesn’t get it? I hate when people don’t get something because it is usually due to choosing to be ignorant. Not stupidity. I can forgive stupidity not ignorance.

This is not supposed to make sense. This is just me being shocked that he is GONE. I know he isn’t angry at me. (He doesn’t fake it like my mom would). He might blame himself though…When will people learn that “It is not you, it’s me” IS THE TRUTH. How can it be you?

I’m not in a position to do much of anything. Most days I don’t know how I make it to work. How do I force myself to get up every day and somehow make it to the building? FEAR. That’s another entry for another time.

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