Bury Me on the Battery

I had the worst. week. ever. at work. But you know what. Fuck it. Next week will be different. How do I know? Because I’m just going to be me. That is scary because that has NEVER gotten me anywhere. In fact this is what always gets me in trouble. That is what has gotten me in trouble at every single job I’ve had and every single social encounter.

Authenticity.

I listen to a very funny morning show. It used to be racier but Clear Channel got tired of the FCC fining them. They were always going to court etc. Anyhow, I used to laugh at my desk while listening to the radio show. Not loudly. In fact it isn’t really a laugh. It’s a silent laugh that can only be heard when it is completely silent. But my shoulders shake. Etc. Well somehow, they thought I was laughing AT THEM. As if, my headphones are invisible. I think 50% of them believed it and the other 50% wanted to dehumize me so they could bully me into what I am today. LOL. Thank ya!

Now they are constantly baiting me. I would say at least once an hour which might not seem like a lot…unless it is happening to you. They know I confronted Jx but that was only because she said my name! I wouldn’t do it otherwise because I don’t want to confront someone on an assumption. If I were wrong ONE time, I could never do it again. 🙂  When she retold the story did she mention that she said my name? Or did she think admitting that would make her appear dumb? She is normally a honest person but not checking to make sure that NO ONE was in the office might make her appear stupid to some? I really don’t know.

But now they talk about things that aren’t related to me but they laugh when they come back to their desk. “Make sure you laugh” Dx will say when JJx comes back to her desk that is very close to me. They were having a discussion about work but they taunt me with their laughter.

I never mentioned what happened last week: I had on a denim dress with long suede boots. A lady not in my department said, “NO ONE SHOULD EVER WEAR THAT!”. I kid you not. How would you feel if someone shouted that about you? She has said other things but dayum, that was the loudest. How can I explain to my boss that that is why I don’t like going to the printer??? Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell her that. Trust me, I wanted to delay that trip because in the morning a ton of people are walking around. Getting coffee, walking to the printer etc. I printed something out by mistake. I had no choice but to put it in the security/recycle bin immediately or else it would have gotten mailed in less than 5 minutes. I didn’t even know she was there until I heard her loud ass comment. I wasn’t that mortified because I was in shock. And even after I sat back at my desk, I didn’t feel bad for myself or cry. It was nothing. I guess I would rather people talk about my outfit then talk about ME as a person.

Oh and I think some people quietly chuckled but no one dared laugh really loud or say anything. It was already quiet so everyone in my department and hers could hear. Um, now I’m getting slightly humiliated. Stop reliving the past!! lol.

The things they do mainly are SCHEMING. They aren’t really talking about me but they pretend to see HOW I WILL REACT. All they want is an reaction. Well unfortunately I’m really emotional (feeler, hello?) and I can never promise myself or anyone that I will not react. I can promise that I won’t get violent or act out in anger because I haven’t in the past. (But how long will that last. I’m really getting sick of it. I’m not kidding). Sometimes they are talking about me. Like today Dx said, “She has issues.” ROFL. ya think?

Dx is the main talker. I subscribe to “If you don’t have anything nice to say…” I really wish parents would teach that to their kids. I might be the suckiest parent on earth but the one thing they would learn is to never bully (verbally or physically) someone. They would know never to say something bad about someone. Never. Sure when they are teens, they might do it around their friends but we all know someone who doesn’t talk badly about people. Maybe they were raised that way.

In every other way as a parent, I would fail. 😉

Sigh.

—————

I’m going to post my life goals/values in a very special blog post soon (I know the world is waiting!). I don’t think traveling is going to make this list. This is sort of a 5 year list and I have to sacrifice something. Sure I want to travel the US but my goal since I was 13, was to travel THE WORLD. That will not be a 5 year goal for many reasons but I have been looking into volunteer vacations. Check out this list of the top ten volunteer vacations. When I was 13 the first place I wanted to go was Africa. Which country? I didn’t know. I think Kenya intrigued me early on and then I became obsessed with Nelson Mandela for a year or so. I read and watched everything about him. Of course that lead me to wanting to visit South Africa. I still want to go but a 20+ hour flight???? I can’t imagine it but it sounds like hell. I can’t sit on a bus for 6 hours. haha.

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