what about your friends?

I worked 10 hours today. No overtime. I have the “too tired to sleep” feeling.

I cannot believe what is happening. Well, yes I can. I think my window AC is on the outs. And guess what? This weekend will be the hottest weekend of the summer. 105 degrees, not counting humidity. I don’t live in Arizona. There is no such thing as dry heat here. This is east coast hot. This can’t be happening. I find it strange that every time I leave (concert vacation and I house sat for my mom recently) the noise gets worse. I’m not blaming anyone…but if people shot guns for fun in your neighborhood, you might be suspicious too. Did I ever mention the guy staring into my window? My blinds were shut. It was daytime so he couldn’t see inside. I think he was just mocking me. He sat as close as he could without being on my property. But I digress…ugh, please don’t go out. AC wahhhhhhhhhhhhh
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I have finals this week. I’m sooo not ready. wahhhhhhhh. woe is me. I have an “A” average in both classes, I cannot fuck up on the final. I just lost my motivation somewhere…
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I’ve always had trouble making friends, probably because I am so different, and I thought it would get better as I got older because people usually mature with age (or so my naive, 14-year-old self once believed). To my disappointment, it has only gotten worse. No one wants to share anything with you unless you’re their husband/wife, girlfriend/boyfriend, or otherwise fuck buddy. It’s like I’m unimportant because I’m not interested in sex. I feel like many people treat me as a second-class homosapien, a creature of lesser humanity. Because, after all, from what people have said to me, humans are sexual beings. And if I’m not sexual, what does that make me?

This subject distresses me because I really desire close, nonromantic, nonsexual relationships with even one individual. But that’s extremely rare in this society, if it exists at all. So I’ve somewhat accepted that my life will probably be spent in solitude, with no one to love me for who I am without wanting to touch me in certain ways or stick their cock inside me.

Yeah I know it is wrong to post quotes off message boards. If it were in a blog, I would link it. And if I ever start posting there, I won’t do it. You know how someone expresses exactly what you feel? So, why bother typing it out. ROFL. (No, it wouldn’t bother me if someone did that to me – unless they were being mean spirited or somehow knew my real name and posted it with the post).

ANYHOW, the above is how I’ve been feeling lately. But it is true…how many asexual people are out there? And then you would have to click with the person. I don’t feel the need for friends but I have to do something or my therapist will kill me. Friends at work are so out. I just can’t do the office politics. Hate the gossiping etc.

It would be nice to TRY something new. To see how much the rejection hurts. (Presumptive? yes!) The last person I had so much in common with “rejected” me softly and I was out of it for a week so…I’m not sure it is worth it. (This guy was insensitive but we had a lot in common which is rare). But I think I’m up for trying. I don’t know why it has to be a male. Maybe because I haven’t had a male friend since I was 8?? Normally I stay clear of men (sexist!) because of the whole “they only look at females as sexual objects” notion I have in my mind.

I hate being judged. ESPECIALLY AS A SEXUAL BEING….when I’m so not. Men make me nervous. This won’t be the last entry on this. This is just the beginning.

Btw, I normally don’t think about asexuality a lot. It’s not how I identify but then again, I also don’t identify as female or as my ethnicity. I just see myself as a person. That’s it.

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