loner-by-preference

It’s 3AM. I must be lonely. The Lakers v Los Suns is on replay. Why not watch….until I fall asleep. I’m so glad the Lakers wrapped this up. Oops! Spoiler. (not funny, I know)

My assignments for summer school were due by midnight. I finished them by 9pm. Not without frustration. Of course the main thing on my mind is HE IS COMING. I can’t digest it right now or I will breakdown. There is no way I can clean up enough for him in time and finish these courses in ten weeks so I am only going to do the bare minimum. He won’t be able to move in the bed. I’m not kidding. I have stuff to do. I don’t have time nor the energy for this crap. I will be BSing more about this later. I won’t stop posting here. I need an outlet and I have no one else to say these things to.
—————
I posted this link on twitter. Doing a repost to comment on excerpts. Article written by By Elizabeth Svoboda for Psychology Today. I used to spend hours reading archives of that mag in the college library…on Friday nights while listening to the local basketball game. 🙂

Field Guide to the Loner: The Real Insiders
Loners are pitied in our up-with-people culture. But the introvert reaps secret joy from the solitary life.

Miina Matsuoka lives by herself in New York City. She owns two cats and routinely screens her calls. But before you jump to conclusions, note that she is comfortable hobnobbing in any of five languages for her job as business manager at an international lighting-design firm. She just strongly prefers not to socialize, opting instead for long baths, DVDs, and immersion in her art projects. She does have good, close friends, and goes dancing about once a month, but afterward feels a strong need to “hide and recoup.”

I consider her an introvert who can fake it or not an extreme introvert or a healthy introvert (but that means extreme introverts like me are bad so I prefer not to use that term).

Social engagement drains them, while quiet time gives them an energy boost.

I get way too frustrated that people don’t get this. How hard is this to understand??? I need to stop thinking about it because I get so worked up over this. I would like to add that if you are depressed or lacking energy for any other reason (medical or lack of sleep) then this is the worst thing about being an introvert, for me anyway. I need tons of quiet time to get energy. It is almost impossible to get this time unless I lock myself in my home and don’t go anywhere. But then there’s work….

Contrary to popular belief, not all loners have a pathological fear of social contact. “Some people simply have a low need for affiliation,” says Jonathan Cheek, a psychologist at Wellesley College. “There’s a big subdivision between the loner-by-preference and the enforced loner.”

Love this! I have a very very very low need for affiliation. Like zilch. Nada. But I also have a “pathological fear of social contact” (<—what a choice of words). So I'm enforced but I LOVE it. I'm both. The problem is that I can't succeed or do much of anything because I'm not simply a loner-by-preference. I don't have social contacts for jobs because I'm scared of people. If I need something done, I pretty much have to do it myself or PAY someone to do it. And I'm not rich so I've gone into debt due to lack of friends/acquaintances It is very limiting. Understatement. It is horrible. And that is why I am always going to have mild depression and be overwhelmed. I hate to confirm what people say but you can't do it alone.

Matsuoka, who is divorced, is open to romantic relationships, but “whomever I’m with must know that at least one day a week I need to lock myself in my room and stick feathers on a sculpture,” she warns.

Only one day a week? Okay she definitely is not extreme. I would prefer 6 days alone a week. Okay really 7 days but that makes me a freak so shhh! No phone calls. No seeing the other person. Ugh and no living together. I just couldn’t do it. No way.

The content introverts’ camp closely borders the land of the socially anxious. Matsuoka, for example, says she was “pathologically shy” as a child, which likely laid the groundwork for her current lifestyle, even though she grew much more confident in her 20s. Those who remain “enforced loners” long to spend time with people, but shyness and anxiety inhibit them from doing so. “Introverts are people who like to be alone,” says Paula Montgomery, an accountant from St. Louis. “I prefer to be around other people, but because of my shyness, it’s difficult for me to join groups and make friends.”

Insensitive comment: I’m glad I’m not like Paula. It must be hard to be shy and want to be around people. I don’t know what that is like because I’m always running away from people. I do know people like this exist, of course. It isn’t uncommon and I feel helpless. I’m the last person to go to for this problem.

When major life problems crop up, loners are also less likely to seek out social support.

Um, true.

“Loneliness is like hunger and thirst—a signal to help your genes survive,” Cacioppo says. “When you’re lonely, there’s a stress response in your body, and it’s not healthy to sustain that for a long time.”

Interesting. I do feel alienated which is a kind of loneliness because “no one knows what it is like.” well almost no one. I know I’m not the only one…which doesn’t help solve any of my problems. lol. Anyhow, I do feel that kind of loneliness yet I don’t long for social interaction. At all. I do wish more people understood. I am constantly getting mislabeled and called crazy just because they simply don’t understand that being around people is tiring. Which leads to irritability. Which leads to anger. Which leads to me snapping if I don’t get some god damn alone time. 🙂 (99% of the time I don’t snap, I just hold it in. I’m too shy to snap).

I didn’t post the whole article. Go read it. Going to bed now.

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