Feelings show

I’m in school. Classes start today. I don’t have my books. One is coming tomorrow. Unfortunately I was dumb enough to buy a used copy at a verrrrrrrry low price so that means I have no idea when that is coming. If she shipped it media mail, it could take until June 14th to come. LOL. I will not do well if that is the case. This is a 10 week summer class. My fault. Teacher seems cool. My only issue is that we have to take these two classes currently…yet she schedules the mid-term and final during the same week! These are the only tests we have so ugh. Sucks.

Another issue is that I don’t have reliable internet access. So I pretty much have to take my tests at the college. Once you start, you can’t stop. Taking the tests at home would be a huge advantage. I could have my notes in an organized matter. Make all the noise I want searching for the notes. Throwing things out of the way etc. I’m way too much of a considerate/self-conscious person to do this in a computer lab so ack. My mom has broadband but her browser crashes so much that it isn’t even worth trying. That would be just as perfect as doing it at home.

Maybe I will contact the teacher before midterms but if she isn’t computer savy (or she has a mac – lol), she’ll be like, “huh?” or “WTF” or “just go on campus you dimwit”.

waahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

One more good thing: The week ends on a Saturday. I had one class where the week ended on Friday night and that sucked! And I don’t even go out on Friday nights. Ever. I hated that schedule. Plus it was a hard class involving legal research and writing papers. The classes I’m taking now are work related so I’m not starting from scratch. But looking at an old edition of the book, did make me question if it was a good idea to take this during the summer. The verbiage is familiar but I’ve only been doing this for 2 years (at work) and due to lack of trainers, I haven’t gone to the next step. Vague enough? How about the run on sentences?

I can write awesome resumes and A or B papers. The resumé thing is in case anyone is interested. Actually now would not be a good time. 😉 (And I know my blog does not reflect I can write anything but this is casual writing. I think waaaaaaaaaaaay faster than I type. And I don’t proofread this stuff cuz it is a journal. Does anyone proofread their paper journal? I don’t.)
————–
Sorry about the rant. I haven’t eaten dinner. I mowed the lawn and looked at the syllabus and power point presentations since I don’t have textbooks.

I did want to post about so much but school has to be a priority. I will just write about what I titled this blog. I got that title from a song as I do when I can’t think of a title or if a song is stuck in my head. (Feelings Show by Colbie Calliat)

Sigh.

Okay, so today I was brought into the manager’s office about a huge effin’ change at work….for me only. Of course. Grrr! I was so shocked that when she told me, I rolled my eyes!!!!!!! Huge deal. I spent the first 25 years of my life really being the shy, nice girl. I was/am shy and I WAS nice.Then I started taking social anxiety related meds & getting fed up with being treated a certain way.

The medicine didn’t cure my social anxiety but I started walking around more. Before I would sit at my desk for 8 hours. I was too scared to get up. I would wear the plainest, too-big-for-me clothes because I didn’t want people looking at me. (I still hate people looking/staring at me but now dude, I have style! 🙂 ) I would never, ever make eye contact. (I’m a little better with that but I don’t have it down at all). I really was invisible. That wasn’t 100% bad. Because now with the meds + being fed up = me not being the nice girl. I was trying to find myself since I never spoke (still don’t really) but Buddhism says there is no self. So I’m all confused. What is wrong with trying to find my personality. It was hidden for about 28 years! So screw that.

Gosh, I’m rambling. All my life I’ve worn my feelings on my sleeve. Always. So unless I know something in advance, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET AN HONEST REACTION FROM ME. I assumed that my manager was going to talk about something from last week since I was on vacay all last week. So I thought I knew what she was going to say then BAM she put me on St. Barts with 3.5 reality stars from The Real Housewives of NYC. (need to see the show to get reference). Sonja is .5 because she has some empathy and is mature.

Sigh. I’ve been trying to not show my reactions but WAIT people say that is bad???! So I’m supposed to roll my eyes? It isn’t like I thought, “sigh and roll your eyes”. I was shocked! We had a good convo after the shocking change about NYC. So she knew I didn’t resent/hate it for the news. I did almost start tearing up when she talked about the World Trade Center. I knew she thought, “I don’t want to bring the crazy out so next subject.” It’s sad that when you show emotions people call you nuts. You have to do this a lot to get this title. TMI since this blog is “anonymous”.

I don’t know how not to show my emotions. I’m sick of some people telling me it is good, while others say it is bad. I just want to be me. But me is not accepted in a corporate world. TRUST ME!

I will find me and then let go of the idea of me. I just never had a me because I was/am always trying to please them!

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