half ass repentance

I have to repent. Feeling bad doesn’t solve anything. But I do feel bad but I’m not beating myself up like I would have a few years ago.

I’m used to not matter-ing. I never mattered my youth through college. So I thought it would continue. I am still mystified WHY anyone would care what I think about them. I’m a loser, outcast, etc.

If I hurt Ax feelings…then I’m truly sorry. My first thought was, “Next time I see her in the hall, I will do the right thing and not pass her.”But now I know that is considered rudeness in the social world. Ha, at least I’m learning. We passed each other, she put her down which to put is the ultimate dismissal. On a good day, I would not have reacted. It’s really petty because all the rules are stupid. I don’t follow her rules so she gets offended and vice versa.

Very petty & dumb.

I didn’t have the worst day ever. I was just irritable all morning. Then after lunch Mx laughed at me. I immediately thought it was about my personal appearance because that is what it always is about. Now I think it was just an attempt to make me feel bad about myself. (too late)  That is what I should have dismissed instead of getting pissed at Ax over a PERCEIVED dismissal.

And what do I care if people dismiss me? Petty, petty, petty.

I wish I could say that I will never react again but that would be lying to myself. If this doesn’t make sense, it is not supposed to.

I have to bag & price shoes tonight. It is supposed to rain on Saturday…

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