record breaker

Ugh, my stomach hurts. And my eyes hurt so much from crying. I was crying for 3 hours straight which is a record for me. I’ve never come close to that. I don’t think I’ve ever cried for an hour! 30? Maybe but I don’t remember. I rarely really cry. I’ll cry for 15 minutes and then my eyes will well up whenever I think about whatever made me cry.

I might not quit. Tomorrow I’m going to work six hours (3 for the mental breakdown + I’d agreed to work 3 hours of OT). I wished I hadn’t agreed to work the OT. I’m scared shitless. I’m going to be there while they are there. It almost makes me want not to go but I’m still employed, and I have to make up time.

What have I learned today?

  • I can quit my job. (smart? no)
  • The thought of quitting my job makes me sad even though I hate the environment.
  • I like the work I do. (but not enough to not quit over office politics)
  • People don’t care why you aren’t social; you just have to be. (anger)
  • The things that bother me don’t bother others. (already knew that. reconfirmed today).
  • I will never understand people and they will never get me. (reconfirmed)
  • I am socially inept when it comes to talking & writing. (understatement)
  • NEVER expect someone to have empathy. (ppl only have it w/their close friends).
  • I can cry for 3 hours.
  • I hate feeling abandoned. (reconfirmed).
  • I should not talk to people. (emphasis on more than one person)
  • I need to transfer my discover balance ASAP (in case me have no job).
  • If I had a baby, I would love it as a pet until it turned 13. Then it would suck. (random)

I could go on, but I really need to stop trying to please people. It won’t happen. 75% of me has accepted that but then today happens and it’s like: WILL I EVER LEARN?

I’m emotionally and physically sick.

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