You = the world
Sometimes I feel like I do some much to placate you. And what do I get in return: not good enough.
Sometimes I get mad @ you because all you do is look on the surface and judge. I want to scream at you, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE A BRAIN? ..just to observe the surface?
How dare you call me selfish. I want. I want. You (my Western friend) are selfish too. I’m in survival mode when things are bad. I’m glad you aren’t living that way cause it isn’t much of a life. I’m not calling myself unselfish but if that is all you see, then you are blind. What about you? Why did you do x, y, z? It’s easy to use kids as an example because so many people have them. What is that? I want. I want. Me having a kid would be the worst thing ever (especially using my genes). However, I can’t use that as an example of being unselfish because I don’t want (I want, I want) kids.
Everything I do is for my kids. I believe you. (NO SARCASM). But having kids and taking care of them is responsible not saint like or unselfish. I do admire you because I know when I get home from work after I draining day, I would not be a patient, caring etc mother. I can’t take the pets following me around after I’m drained.
Sometimes I act out because I’m so sick of doing it all for you. I try hard for you. (Oh, this has nothing to do with the selfish thing. I’m over that). I’m not myself because I know it is what you want…yet I fail (by your standards) so I feel angry. I did this shit, I didn’t want to do -oops “I want”?- to appease you, yet you let me know daily how much I suck.
Death is a gift for the good.
I spend a lot of time studying people. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out. Some of what the experts spout is all too simple. “People are afraid of what they don’t know”. Hmm, let me tell you about that.
I am all the things you unconsciously hate about yourself. & vice versa when it comes to you. I am all the things I secretly admire about you but to scared to show.
I want to go out without taking a shower today…and I want you not to judge me. LOL. Not happening. Sometimes a little is all I can do and when you tear that die it is a gut wrenching pain that I often ignore. I turn into “whatever” person because it is the easiest way to cope at that moment.
to be continued…if it’s the last thing I ever do.