shattered

I am going to post this many places. I would even post in on my anonymous myspace account if my dad didn’t have the address. I don’t really want to list all the bad things that have happened recently…except the work stuff. Oh, and I’m not fishing for comments. The only thing I want to hear is, “You’re delusional”, and if you said that I would not believe you.

With all that being said, I’ve never had coworkers try to get me fired. Of course there is one ring leader. It isn’t like the other people would actively try. She is a leader. People follow her. She can persuade people so easily. Her name is Deborah. If I get axed I might use her full name. (JOKING -um am I?)

So there are going to be secret meetings going on. If it WERE NOT AT ALL ABOUT ME, I would have gotten an email. D despises me. I think she is afraid of me but she would never admit it and maybe that is why she wants me gone. She has alluded to me being a serial killer. She isn’t afraid in a “she’s going to beat me up” way. I think she thinks one day I will go off on them after all their harassment. Bullying isn’t the right word. Teasing? Well maybe but that sounds way to 4th grade. Gossiping? Yes of course but that isn’t the harassing part.

Even if D didn’t want to talk to me, as I said above the regular protocol is to send an email to everyone with a “respond back if you are interested”. At first I thought they were doing something fun and I thought, “Well I know they wouldn’t invite me.” after all I would say no. And yes some people (J and C) have invited me places much to D’s chagrin. I went out with C because it was one on one. I am horrible in groups.

In order for this to happen – the meeting(s), it would have to be approve by the manager so she knows. This doesn’t shock me at all. D gets her way (due to her persuasiveness – she isn’t charming). From the outside looking in, you would think she’s been there for at least 5 years like her peers. But no, she only has been there for 3! I’ve been at the company longer but in another department.

In summary, D and practically everyone is keeping notes on things I do or have done. D has been doing this all along. That is one reason why I have a huge problem forgiving her. How can I forgive someone in my heart if they are continuing to do the same thing? The first sentence of this paragraph is speculation. I’ve heard bits and pieces. Today D told someone to write whatever she wanted to discuss down. So I know something is going on.

Who made D boss? Like I’ve said in previous entries she has made me lose acquaintances. Yes, I tried to get one back. The other I no longer see so…

Things I have done:

*Smirked when I knew they were purposely trying to get on my nerves. When it first started, I didn’t think they could see my facial expressions but boy, did I find out fast that yes they can. And this gets on my nerves. Smirking/smiling can annoy people. I thought I had facial privacy I don’t.

*Make calls in the conference room. Sometimes I can go weeks without having to make a call, It just depends on what I’m working on. For the past 30 days, I have to make at least 2 calls a week. Yes I’m shy and I talk much better when I’m alone in the room. The calls only last 5 minutes and I used to do make them on my lunch break but I’ve realized they have no loyalty to me so why should I use my break to make phone calls.

I saw NOTHING wrong with this…besides it being weird but D made a point I never thought of, my phone calls aren’t being recorded!! First, I never knew they were being recorded by our company. I don’t work in a call center so this is the first time that I have even realized it is wrong. I bet D had to think a LONG time to make that one look bad. She used to tell people I would never make calls but HELLO, I was doing it in the quiet lobby on my freakin lunch break!!!

*threw my notebook down 2 times on the lobby floor (detailed on my paper thoughts journal). Only one person saw me. I’d never seen him before. I assume he is a work at homer in for training or he could easily work on another floor. We have over 1000 people where I work. But people in this area I usually know.

So smirking/smiling is probably the thing that bugs them most but I’ve heard this was supposed to be a good thing. Smile when someone is doing something annoying. It changes your energy BUT NOT WHEN PEOPLE STARE IN YOUR FACE. Have they heard Mariah’s “Up Out My Face”? That is my new theme song btw because ‘when I break, I break.’

I have things they have done. I need to start keeping records. About 10 days ago, D called me “psycho woman”. There is also the religion thing but they know not to use my name so it is hard to prove stuff. I will bring up the psycho woman thing to my manager if they have this meeting…and I don’t get axed. Assuming I have the chance to defend myself. M mentioned how I don’t like talking on the phone. Well that is true. I’m much better when no one is around. I can’t even wrap my mind around them thinking I’m doing this on purpose! I’m starting to feel bad and I didn’t do intend to do anything.

(intention is everything to me and some religion, to these people – maybe not)

I just had to get this out. I’m going to write more in my paper journal but I’ve been trying to do that and I just keep repeating myself. “Why can’t I show my compassionate side around others?” It always leads back to not being nice to coworkers when I know why I’m not. I think…

So tomorrow, I’m going to go in with a few Buddhism quotes from the ‘bible’ and maybe some Wayne Dyer quotes.

It just feels like I’m sinking because EVERYTHING I DO IS BEING USED AGAINST ME. I don’t expect ppl to like me or think I’m sweet. When there is a D at your work place (something I’ve never encountered – watch out). They can and will use everything against you…even if you think/know you are innocent!

May the universe bless you.

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