I know forever don’t exist

Now I’m prediabetic. A year ago, I was pre-hypertensive. Now my blood pressure is extremely good and has been for the past 8 months or so. I’m only barely prediabetic. I’m right at the border. I think I know what the cause is. I stopped drinking my own green juice powder mix and starting buying green juice with fruit and vegetables.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t eat fruit because of the sugar. So why would I drink a green juice with 26 grams of sugar in it? ROFL. How dumb, right? But I liked the way it tasted, and I wanted green juice. So silly. So after I run out of my current container of green juice one day this week, I’m never going to drink that crap again. I will drink water with my lunch instead.

Boot camp. It was okay, but I’m never doing it again. I looked foolish but so did other people (not an insult) because she only showed us how to do the exercise once. She didn’t exercise at all with us. I’ve taken a lot of exercise classes, and I hate when the instructor doesn’t do it with us.

It wasn’t that bad. I was on a team with two other women. They were talking to each other, and it did feel weird not to say anything to them until we were almost done. Awkward. The only thing I excelled in was jump rope. 😉 They took yoga out of the next 5 weeks. They are doing hiking and boot camps only, so I’m not going back for more. The hiking will probably be okay, but like I said I’m worried about the social aspect so I won’t go.

I’m now eating one less meal a day. I took away the night time snack. lol. I’m going to see if that helps me lose weight. I would love to lose about 10 pounds. I know most medicines have the side effect of weight gain, so I just want to see if exercising and eating healthier will help at all. I hope so!

I love music so much. I am not exaggerating when I say that music is my life. It is. The Charlottesville Unity concert was amazing!! It was far better than I thought it would be. I thought the audience would be full of music snobs only there for Dave Matthews Band. So wrong. They were extremely into Justin Timberlake. How could they not be? He put on a phenomenal show. They had no choice but to love him.

I was blown away by Justin. Justin is one of the best live pop performers out there. And he sings 100% live. OMG. That man is awesome. If he ever does another tour, I will try to see him. I can’t even find words to describe how good he was in Charlottesville. There are no words.

I could gush about JT forever. His band is the best. Dayum! I am now officially a Justin Timberlake fan. I never disliked him. But he wasn’t in my top 20 favorite musicians. He was just a guy with a few songs I liked. Uh, that has changed. I love him. haha.  My favorite songs of his are Mirrors and Rock Your Body.

I’ll stop going on about Justin. The good news is that I was 96% accurate at my part-time job. Well, that should be good news. But I thought I was doing better. I want to be at 100%! I work so slow, and I’m only at 96%? Huh? I need to be at 95% to stay on this project. I so need the money. I’ll take the 96%, but I want to do better. I just need to stay on. Otherwise, I’m going to have to consider getting a part time job outside the home.

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Love on repeat

I’m so sad to hear about the earthquakes in Mexico. The one that happened two weeks ago affected Oaxaca badly. I keep thinking about the people there and the buildings. Oaxaca is such a wonderful place. I hope to go back one day. I can’t even look at pictures of the damage.  I pray they don’t have any more earthquakes. 😦

And poor Puerto Rico. No power on the whole island?? That’s when you know things are bad.

Guess who is going to boot camp on Saturday morning? I’m so scared. I have never been to a boot camp, and other people will be there (!!). It’s free, and it’s not ongoing. It will be at a park. There will be a different free exercise activity in parks around the city for the next 6 weeks. I might skip hiking. That is too social for me. I have a feeling people would want to talk, and I would appear standoffish. I would love to go hiking alone, but with other people around? Ack!

Boot camp? What if it’s hard? What if I can’t keep up? What if I look foolish? I have to go, right? lol. I have only been to this park once and nowhere near where the boot camp will be. The map online isn’t helpful at all.  I’m going to have to get there early to find out where it is.

Forget Depo-Provera. I think I didn’t start gaining weight until I started Abilify. Another strike, but it is still worth it. Unfortunately, I can’t operate without it. AND the price was lowered to less than $1 a pill. Amazing! So what do I do? I honestly don’t feel like I have much of a choice. Some people would say go gluten-free and exercise more or something like that. But I know that would take me a while and I don’t believe it will work for me, so I have to be on something in the interim.

Do people not get it? When I’m depressed, I can’t exercise. I’m in bed. Gluten-free? Who gives a shit? I just want to die. Abilify can be evil, but it works for me. I know it doesn’t work for everyone.

I won’t see my shrink again until December. I have that long to think about it. Maybe I will ask him about TMS since there isn’t an alternative to Abilify (for me). I have a feeling he will not go for TMS. As I see it, my options are to stay on Abilify or get a new shrink. My shrink is okay, but I don’t feel like I can talk to him easily. That’s probably 100% on me. I won’t blame him.

Hopefully, I won’t keep posting about Abilify. I just need to make a tough decision. The price going down by $200 really complicates things.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Nelly Furtado, Jem, Jillette Johnson, Julia Michaels, John Mayer, JoJo, Britney Spears, Shawn Mendes

TV of the week: Big Brother, The Kalief Browder Story

I followed Kalief Browder since I first heard of his story a while ago. I think he was in Rikers at the time. I remember thinking, “This shows how messed up the ‘justice’ system is.” I wish he could have beaten his demons. I was so glad when he was released, but prison messes with your head…especially Rikers! How tragic. 😦

I honestly don’t see how anyone believes we have a fair justice system. Some people aren’t paying attention.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: Currently reading –

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo: A Novel by Taylor Jenkins Reid (fun book)

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Boot camp!!! I’m so anxious. Have I mentioned that? I hope enough people show up. More than 10, but less than 30 would be good. I want the people who put this together to be successful, but too many people might terrify me.

I will also go grocery shopping, work, mow the front yard and study.

Have a fabulous weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Making up the moves as I go

Great news…for now. Why can’t I believe in myself more? This is about the part-time job. I got the go-ahead to go and work as much as I want! Scary. I did enough auditing correctly so they feel I can work without feedback. Oh god.  I used to work a lot when I was doing something different than auditing others. But auditing is hard, and I’m so scared, so it takes me hours to do very few things. PLUS, I still have to maintain 95% accuracy. It may as well be 100%. What’s the difference? I can only get one thing wrong…maybe.

High expectations. I’m just going to take my time and ask questions. I need the money, so I’m going to work my ass off.

I really need to workout more. Or change my eating habits. Or both. I gained 9 pounds in exactly one year. 😦 I know this because I weighed myself on September 17 of last year. I’m not that obsessed about it. Obviously (or maybe I would do something about it). I don’t know how much Depo-Provera adds to the weight gain. I don’t think it has much effect.

Anyway, I’ve been walking about 1.5 miles at the park every single day for almost 3 weeks. According to my phone, I walk about 3 miles per hour which isn’t that fast, but not slow at all. Apparently, that has no effect. I haven’t lost weight. Hmmm. It could be the Depo. I probably need to get back on my treadmill regularly. And I’m going to start back up doing the 15-minute workout during my lunch break. I like it because it has cardio and weightlifting.

Speaking of Depo-Provera. No bleeding. I’m so ecstatic about it. Well, I’m hesitantly happy. Anything could change. If I never get my period again, would the Depo be worth it? YES!!! But only because I work from home. I can’t imagine bleeding for 3 months straight and working outside the home. That would’ve been a pain in the ass. For this reason, I wouldn’t recommend Depo to others. Only to people who don’t have to work outside the home because the side effects can be wild.

I also can’t imagine being in a sexual relationship while being on Depo. I’m so glad I didn’t have to worry about that. So just say NO to Depo unless you don’t have to work outside the house and are not in a sexual relationship. I can’t speak on the other side effects like hair loss and mood swings.

Speaking of sexual relationships or the lack thereof, I watched 45 minutes of the Emmys (the middle part), and I was half asleep, but I heard a winner go up and say something like LGBTA. Holla! He gave asexuals a shout out on primetime TV. I almost jumped out of bed. lol.  Of course, most people have no clue what the “A” stands for. Whatevs. He said it! Thank you. 🙂

Well, I should be working my ass off or studying for my course. That’s my life these days. And I’m mostly thankful.

Don’t sell me no pipe dream

WTF? I felt like I went to the doctor for a cold and you know I don’t do that. I felt stupid, lame, and shocked after leaving the surgeon’s office. Both visits (to the shrink and the orthopedic surgeon) were a waste of time. The shrink visit was a waste due to my fault. More on that later. I’m more upset about the surgeon because it cost more and I was expecting an x-ray or something.

I do have carpal tunnel syndrome. No shit. All the doctor recommended I do is keep wearing the braces I bought from Amazon (!!) and sleep with my arms straight down.* Um, thanks. I waited over an hour for that. I didn’t mind the wait. I got a lot of reading done. Anyway, he did offer me a cortisone shot, but I said no because it isn’t affecting my sleep much. If at all.

*Sleeping with my arms straight down does help, but it is hard to do. Who can do that all night? Plus it is uncomfortable.

He also told me to come back if it got worse, so that is what I will do. I hope the braces help. So far they have been helping, but that isn’t a cure. He didn’t seem as concerned about the pain as the tingling. So I guess the tingling is a bigger deal. Well, I have a lot of that.

Um. Whatever? Next.

The shrink was a waste of time because I didn’t mention I wanted to get off Abilify because of the impulsive behavior. I just mentioned the cost. My fault. So I’m still on Abilify for now. According to my doctor, there is no generic Abilify substitute except for Wellbutrin and Effexor and I can’t take either one of those. I have enough Abilify to last until 2018. Blah.

GOOD NEWS: I finally got my Keurig coffee maker!!!111!!  I followed it on the internet from California on a FedEx truck. Isn’t it absurd that my coffee maker had to be driven 3,000 miles on a truck to get to me?  Maybe it’s just me.  Why don’t they have a distribution center in the middle of America? Most companies I deal with ship 2-day priority mail or they have something near the east coast.

Oh, what about the coffee maker? I’ve only used it once. I used a Starbucks pod (medium roast) for my first cup of coffee this morning. In the future, if I do buy pods, I will buy a type of dark roast. I drink my coffee black 95% of the time. Back to the coffee maker – I don’t like that it doesn’t keep the coffee in the mug warm after it brews. My $40 coffee maker kept it warm. It also doesn’t have a clock so I can program it to brew, but I rarely used that on my old coffee maker.

I’ve only had it for a day so I don’t really have a strong opinion on it yet. I just hope it was worth the money.

Depo-Provera update: No bleeding 9 days in a row! This is a miracle. Please let my period be over forever.

This week I…

Music of the week: Nelly Furtado, Shawn Mendes, Natalie Merchant, Demi Lovato, Joan Osborne, Kelly Clarkson, Miranda Lambert, Sam Smith

TV of the week: Big Brother, The Real Housewives of Orange County

They are doing a celebrity version of Big Brother this winter! I am going to watch it, but it worries me. Usually, when a reality show starts featuring celebrities, the “regular” show goes away. I don’t want my summer full of BB and normal people to go away.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished reading Dead Man Walking: The Eyewitness Account Of The Death Penalty That Sparked a National Debate by Helen Prejean. 5 stars. I can’t believe the death penalty is still legal in THIRTY TWO states. Isn’t that fucked up? The death penalty disgusts me. The book is so glum. Great writing though.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Cleaning, working a little, school work and grocery shopping.  I made an 84 on test #2. Not my best work. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I’m taking test #3 on Sunday morning. I’m not sure how much I’ll be working this weekend.

There’s going to be a pro-confederate rally 10 minutes from my house this weekend. Other than that, nothing is going on. Seriously I hope no one is hurt and I already feel bad for all the people living in that neighborhood. I would be worried about vandalism, noise and leaving my house.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful weekend! 🙂

I’m just like my dog

I find out tonight whether or not I get a ticket to the Charlottesville benefit concert. I’ll update this entry with the news.

Update: I wasn’t selected to get a ticket. The good news is I don’t have to lose a whole day of life and deal with general admission. I hope it is live streamed.  Should be fun.

I have to leave my house two days in a row! 😦 That never happens during the week. I have to see my shrink tomorrow, and then on Thursday, I’m going to see the orthopedic surgeon for my carpal tunnel syndrome. I should have postponed the shrink visit, but I didn’t think about it until it was too late. ugh.

Things are not going great with the part time job. This project is tough. It isn’t for beginners. But I am going to try to rise to the occasion and be perfect. No sarcasm. I only have about two weeks left to do perfect work, or they will take me off the project. Last week I made silly mistakes. Silly! At least I have made some money. I’ve made $112 so far. I will get that even if I’m pulled off the project.

I want so much to do well. I think I can do this. I know I can. I’m also praying for a miracle. So there’s that.

The park is also getting tough. I no longer enjoy it as much as I used to even though I love nature. I hope this is just some weird phase. On Saturdays and Sundays, the parks have been full with dogs. I don’t mind people, but the dogs have to go! My dog barks at 20% of the people. He barks aggressively at 95% of the dogs. It wouldn’t be such a huge deal if everyone would leash their dog (like the rule says).

Just yesterday there was an unleashed dog with his owner. She asked, “Can he (the dog) just say hi (to my dog)?” UGH. My dog was already going crazy because he saw the dog. I replied, “He doesn’t get along with other dogs.” ROFL. Sad, but true. What was I supposed to say? Anyway, she somehow got her unleashed canine to get out of our way. I was getting ready to just go another way. But she said, “no” as in don’t go just because of us.

My dog is shy according to the vet. But why does he call attention to himself and bark at other dogs if he is so shy? Maybe he needs to be socialized. I have had him at doggie daycare, but it’s been at least two years since he’s been. Why pay for that if my mom can watch him? When he went to daycare, he ignored the other dogs according to the owner.

The vet is always trying to make conversation when I go for check ups. Maybe I will bring this up to see what she says. I’ve read a few things on the internet, and I don’t know what to think. I think he is just aggressive. Maybe that is why he was at the animal shelter in the first place.

I will keep going to the park every day because it isn’t always uncomfortable. Sometimes nothing occurs.

Can’t get away from them.

That also happened at the park on Monday. Did he mean he can’t get away from people of my ethnicity? Or did he mean dogs? Or was he talking about something totally different? I don’t want to assume. But it was the location and how he said it. It was kind of nasty.

We (my dog and I) were walking on a trail in the woods. It is a shortcut we often take. They were sitting in a secluded part of the park near the trail. I don’t know how old this guy was. I didn’t look directly at him. He sounded anywhere from 16-24. If he wants to get away from people of my race, he can easily move elsewhere. Besides, this is MY park. I walk to it. It is less than a 5-minute walk from where I live.  What did he do? Get in his car and drive there like so many people do?

Oh yes, I am very territorial. Just like my dog. I’ve always been this way. Anyhow, I just thought this was interesting. I think before I started A Course in Miracles I would have assumed the worst, would have thought about it non-stop and it would have overtaken my life for a few days. I’m not kidding. But now I just report on it and let it go. 🙂

Besides, maybe it had nothing to do with race. I think it is on my mind because there was a racial “incident” at the park recently. No one got hurt. No one would have known it happened if it weren’t for the media. That is all I can say about that.

Fun to play the devil

OMG! Dying. There is a chance I might go the Charlottesville benefit concert! I put my request in and I’ll find out by Tuesday if I get a ticket. Dave Matthews Band, Ariana Grande, Justin Timberlake, The Roots, Pharrell, and Chris Stapleton are among the people who will be there. HOLY SHIT! I wanna go so bad. The only downside is that it is general admission. I have never done GA. I’m not getting there early.  So I probably won’t have a good seat.

I will blog about this more if I actually get a ticket. I only asked for 1 ticket so that might up my chances of getting one. But a lot of people may only ask for one since the limit is two. Who knows? Anyway, it will probably be live streamed since it is a benefit concert. Either way, I hope to see it.

Instead of going to the doctor for my carpal tunnel, I have decided to try braces for now. I ordered two braces (one for each hand) from Amazon. I just got them on Wednesday. Unfortunately, it is slowing down my work. I can’t wait to get used to them. I need to be able to write and type for my job.

I’m practically wearing the braces 24/7. Yes, I sleep in them. I didn’t know that was common, but a lot of people with CTS have problems sleeping due to the tingling and pain. For me, it wasn’t that much of a problem. I would feel the tingling, but it didn’t affect my sleep.

UPDATE: I’m going to see an orthopedic surgeon next Thursday. No, I’m not planning on having surgery. I don’t want to pay for it, and I can’t afford that much time off from work to recover. Bitch gotta work. 😉 I hope he can give me a splint or something. The braces are okay, but they aren’t custom made of course.  Hopefully, this won’t cost a lot. I know seeing the specialist will cost me $45, but there are more costs involve. (Like the splint or whatever meds they might want to give me).

He just better not suggest rest. I can’t rest my hands. I didn’t work on Labor Day at either job, and my hands did feel better after that rest so I know rest would be great. I just can’t do it.

This week I…

Music of the week: Joan Osborne, Paula Cole, Demi Lovato, Jillette Johnson, Lea Michele, Taylor Swift, Britney Spears, Halsey

TV of the week: Big Brother, The Real Housewives of NYC, US Open

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: I’m taking test #2 on Saturday. I will also work at my part-time job on Saturday. I may not have any work on Sunday. Other than that, errands. I might go to the store. Some people are saying prepare for Hurricane Irma so I might buy a few canned items in case the electricity goes out. I hope we don’t get any part of it. I feel bad for Florida because it looks like it will hit parts of them. I’m hoping it doesn’t hurt anyone else. It already destroyed parts of the Caribbean (and killed people).

Hurricanes suck. Weird note to end on, but it’s true.

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend. 🙂

P.S. I should be working at my PT job right now, but this ish is hard. I spent 2 and half hours working on one thing so I’m done for tonight. I’m going to watch the US Open and read Dead Man Walking. I’m so naughty.

Can you imagine?

Groan. I might have to see my PCP again. 😦 Well, I know I do. I’ve been having carpal tunnel syndrome symptoms for about 2 months. It has probably been longer than that. My right hand is tingling right now and I feel pain in my left hand. This sucks. Sigh. At least I have health insurance and all that.

It is especially bad in the morning. I can barely use my right hand in the mornings, but now it is slightly bothering me all day.

See your doctor if you have persistent signs and symptoms suggestive of carpal tunnel syndrome that interfere with your normal activities and sleep patterns. Permanent nerve and muscle damage can occur without treatment.

I’m off the week of October 9th. I’m going to get my 4th Depo injection that week, and I guess I’m going to see my PCP that week too. I hope it doesn’t get too much worse by then. So I guess I know what I’m doing on my vacation. Doctor appointments. I don’t have anything else planned. I just wanted to stay home. Well, I’m always home, so I guess getting out isn’t too bad.

But going to my PCP means having to go see someone else. It’s not like she can fix it or even diagnose it by herself. Blah. I might see if I can see the doctor I really need to see since I no longer need a referral to see a specialist. I just don’t know who that would be. There aren’t any carpal tunnel syndrome specialists.

It is also affecting my solo dance parties, so this must be remedied. I might have to go see a doctor before mid-October. This isn’t a good situation. Plus now I’m working two jobs behind the computer all day. ALL DAY.  I might take half a day or two hours off work to see my PCP in September.  And then when she transfers me to a specialist, I can go in October. Sigh. Whatever it takes.

I’m not a person who runs to the doctor every time something goes wrong. I never go for a cold or something like that. And now I feel dumb because I just went to see my PCP in August to check my iron and now I have to go back???! I feel so lame.

I’m so late. I finally ordered a Keurig coffee maker! I can’t wait to get it. I have water issues in the house. Long story, but this coffee maker will make me not have to worry about getting my coffee in the morning. I only drink one cup a day. On most days it’s not even a full cup. I probably average about 4oz a day. I would drink more coffee if it didn’t upset my stomach. ha.

Anyhow, it was a special deal. I get the coffee maker, 54 coffee pods, a cleaning kit and a reusable filter so I don’t have to always buy the semi-expensive pods. I can just use regular coffee. Yay! I’ve wanted a new coffee maker for a while and then I saw this special and I couldn’t resist it.

Every time I pass my coffee pot, I want my Keurig to arrive. I should have said fuck the deal and went to a store. That’s how bad I want it since I have water issues. But I ordered it as soon as I saw the deal and there’s nothing I can do now but wait.

So I typed all this out, and now my hands are definitely feeling it. Nah, I can’t wait until October to see a doctor..unless it will be really hard to get time off this month.  I’ll see tomorrow when I go back to work.

I did a lot of work yesterday at my PT job. Today I’m waiting for feedback so I might not have to work much or at all. I took my first test of my course and made a 95. I’m going to study chapter 2 for a while and then go mow the lawn. Today will be a busy day because I worked all day yesterday and didn’t get anything else done.

Gotta go.