Saved me from my inner strife

At least I know why my breasts always hurt! I have so many little cysts in each breast. They offered to drain them (probably not today). But I said no because they probably would reappear and I don’t want to go back to another doctor for a procedure. PLUS, I don’t know if the procedure hurts. So I’d rather live with my breast pain than get some weird draining procedure. The pain is not that bad. It’s just annoying.

However, the 3D mammogram hurt! WTF? I had a 3D one in 2015, and it didn’t hurt at all. I took pain medicine before the one in 2015. I did not take any pain meds this time. How dumb of me!! I thought mammograms didn’t hurt so I said, “I’ll just try it without the pain meds.” Um, not the right decision. Next time I will take pain meds.

Well, I’m glad that’s over. I shouldn’t have to get another mammogram for a few years unless my GYN sends me to get another one. Please stop sending me! I just have cysts! A lot of little, painful cysts. The end!

I have been eating badly these past 3 weeks. I’m afraid to weigh myself. The last time I weighed myself was just before I started eating horribly. I weighed 138. I guess I weigh more now. I did walk a LOT on my vacation, so maybe that helped. I think the most I walked was 6 miles on one of the days. (No foot pain!)

I can’t easily use my treadmill because I have to always watch my dog. Sad, but true. So I end up leaving him outside for 15 minutes while I get on the treadmill. That’s a problem because he barks the whole time. (Scared to use a bark collar on him for various reasons). I don’t have really close neighbors, but the ones I do have can hear my dog. That must be so annoying.

So I don’t get on my treadmill when 1.) I have my period 2.) when it’s raining, and I can’t leave my dog outside and 3.) when I don’t want to annoy my neighbors with my barking dog. That pretty much leaves NO days to get on my treadmill. lol. I did get on the treadmill on Thursday evening while leaving my dog outside. If I could get on every other day, I would be happy.

When it gets consistently warm (and stops raining!), I will do yoga outside. My dog doesn’t usually bark when I’m out there with him, so that’s not an issue. But I consider yoga relaxation and not exercise. I know it can be both. Since I think my period is over, I might go to yoga on Saturday. No promises. 😉

This week I…

Music of the week: Mary J. Blige, Michelle Branch, Rascal Flatts, Lea Michele, Nelly Furtado, Ingrid Michaelson, Joseph

TV of the week:  Survivor, House of Cards

How do sports fans live without cable?? I’m dying. I know there are options. I’m not paying money just to watch sports (that’s what I’m saying now). I also miss cable news, but not as much as I miss sports, of course. There are tons of ways to watch the news. I miss cable already. 😦 I guess it will take time to get used to it.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: 
Still reading  A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson,  A Course in Miracles and  A Course in Miracles Made Easy: Mastering the Journey From Fear to Love by Alan Cohen.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren (coming Sunday)

Plans for the Weekend: Nothing special planned for the 3 day weekend. I plan to study more than ever. My certification test is on June 17 at 7:30 AM. I know how hard this test is and how few people passed on the first try because this is a relatively new certification, so there aren’t a lot of study guides out there. I just have to take it to see what’s on it. Of course, I hope I know enough to pass on the first try.

I might go to yoga on Saturday. I hope my sunflower blooms so I can post pics of it. I want to be a proud sunflower mama. haha. I planted two sunflowers, but I think one got eaten by an animal which is not surprising. So I have all my hope in this one flower.

So yeah, I’m just studying, and I have to return my cable equipment through UPS. Exciting life. Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend. 🙂

I’m still a dreamer

This entry is going to be about my mom, and I haven’t typed much, and I already feel bad. This is going to be a judgemental entry. I’m judging her behavior. I’m just acknowledging my judgment. I know she’s my spiritual assignment and blah, blah. I was going to come here with my guns blazing and say she’s this and that. But I’ve since done my spiritual work (mainly A Course in Miracles), and I don’t even want to do this entry anymore.

But anyway…

This goes back to my birthday vacation and how different we are. On the first day, I thought, “Oh no! I’m so screwed”. But it actually all worked out. It wasn’t a bad trip at all. On the day we arrived, I wanted to go out to the local beach. She wanted to stay in. I couldn’t believe it. But I know her.

She would rather stay in on vacations and WATCH TV. I kid you not. We are so different. Like I said this end up being a good thing, but at the time, this kind of sucked. I was beating myself up for not going out by myself.

I just have to keep this in mind whenever we go on vacation together. My dog saved the trip too. Thank god he was there. 😉 Next year I don’t think we are going on vacation because I’m not sure I will able to afford Kripalu and a beach vacation. BUT if I can afford both, I will do it. We might do two nights at the beach for my birthday, and then I can do Kripalu with Gabby Bernstein in June or July.

Kripalu is so expensive because I want my own room. After being around people all day, I will want my own room. I’m an introvert after all. But I am considering a dorm or a roommate situation if I have to.

LOL. This entry was supposed to be a bashing entry, but I’m not even worried or concerned about it anymore. I’m over it.


I hate Depo-Provera right now, but I know it is teaching me patience OR it could be teaching me just to deal with my period and don’t try to stop it. Sigh. I don’t know which one it is. Should I stop the Depo after only two injections? Then what was the point of all this? I don’t want to give up just yet. The only side effect I have is a heavier and longer period, btw. bleh.

I wish I could try TMS therapy for depression. I already know of a doctor that can do it. But the insurance company won’t pay for it because I don’t fit ALL the criteria. I have been diagnosed with major depression (that’s good for insurance purposes). However, there are so many hoops. I think I’m going to ask my doctor about it next time I see him in June.

I’m not taking Abilify anymore after I run out of what I have (sometime in 2018 if it doesn’t expire before then) so I need to do something. I either need a new anti-depressant, or I need TMS. I don’t think any of the anti-depressants on the market will work for me. 😦 I know that’s the wrong attitude to have. Ideally, I would love not to take anything for depression or anxiety. But I tried that recently and it didn’t work.

I’m not giving up on not taking any meds. Nor am I 100% sure I want to go med-free. I’m currently researching so I can know what to do in 2018 when I run out of Abilify.

B-day vacay 2017

I’m back. Obvs. I don’t know where to begin. I took tons of pics, but a lot of them are repetitive. I wish I could say my dog was 100% good, but there was one issue. He messed up the front door of the cabin! He tore some of the siding (???) off. I don’t know if they will charge me for it. I pray they don’t. Seriously. It doesn’t affect how the door works. It just looks bad in one little spot. That is the only thing he did. Otherwise, he was an angel.

This was my view from my eating spot:

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Isn’t it gorgeous? I especially loved eating breakfast out there. Nothing beats that view in the morning. Btw, I love eating outside and will do that any chance I get.

We went out to eat for my birthday. We ate outside on the patio. Here’s the view:

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The picture really doesn’t do it justice. I love water. The food was great. I had a bacon cheeseburger. 🙂

Here is a pic of the cabin’s living room:

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I meant to take more pics of the inside of the cabin. The cabin was very nice. I’m used to staying in the one bedroom, so this cabin was huge to me.

We went to the beach. It took forever to get there because the GPS wouldn’t put me on the highway. But it was worth it.

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There is also a mini beach at the state park. I went there twice with my dog. Here is my favorite pic of the state park’s beach:

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I meditated out there on Thursday. It was heavenly. If only I could always meditate on a beach.

Here are a few more random pics of my dog:

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Overall, the trip was a blast. My mom and I are so different. That almost cause friction. But I should know how she is and plan accordingly. I plan on blogging about this more. It was a spiritual test for sure, and I barely passed. Even though it was a vacation week, I have to end this entry with…

This week I…

Music of the week: Lea Michele, Britney Spears, Joseph, Chris Stapleton, Rachel Platten, Ellie Goulding, Hailee Steinfeld, India.Arie

TV of the week:  Pretty Little Liars

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished reading  Night by Elie Wiesel and May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness by Gabrielle Berstein.

Still reading  A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson,  A Course in Miracles and  A Course in Miracles Made Easy: Mastering the Journey From Fear to Love by Alan Cohen.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: I need to get serious about studying for my certification exam. I’m retaking a practice exam because I don’t know what else to do to prepare this weekend. I’m cleaning my house on Saturday, and I’m going to try to dog proof it more. He is such a high jumper. He can reach almost everything. That’s a big problem.

Have a nice weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

I bend and I bend til I break

Countdown:

4 days until my bday trip (!!!!)

37 days until my certification exam (so not ready)

May has been a month. lol. Spirit is definitely trying to teach me something. Work is stressing me out. Blah, blah. Maybe everything will calm down once I go on vacation. I’m used to May being good. It looks like the weather will be great next week. It’s supposed to be 85+ degrees on my birthday!  I was worried about it being cold. I have to go to the beach, and I have to rock my maxi dress. 😉

I have given up the wish to not have my period on my vacay. Whatever. I have no idea what’s going to happen with that. I can’t wait until the Depo stops my period completely. That is all I’m looking forward to. I was going to yoga this Saturday, but my period is off and on so I’m probably not going.

Wednesday was my worst day of 2017. I am alone 97% of the time (not counting my dog) yet I never feel lonely. I felt all alone on Wednesday. There was no universe and definitely no human help. But I am proud of myself. Sweets are my trigger food, and I was going to buy a red velvet cupcake because I had the worst. day. ever. I didn’t do it. I didn’t turn to food even though I thought about it.

I haven’t had sweets (cake, cookies, etc.) in about 3 months. I can’t eat them because if I do, I will possibly start up again and won’t be able to stop. I think that’s why my weight has been steady. I haven’t been eating perfectly, I just stopped eating sweets. That works for me.

I don’t know why Wednesday was so bad. I started my day off with deep prayer and (a not so deep) meditation. I wasn’t in negative land until all this shit started happening. And even after all the crap started, I tried to be positive because I know that negativity breeds negativity.

In conclusion, I’m proud of myself for not eating a red velvet cupcake to “comfort” myself. And Thursday was much, much, much better. I was so scared it was going to be a repeat of Wednesday.

This week I…

Music of the week: Lea Michele, Joseph, Mary J. Blige, Chris Stapleton, India.Arie, Rachel Platten, Solange, Alicia Keys

I’m obsessed with Lea Michele’s new album. I didn’t think I was going to like it because it is all ballads. I’m a solo dance party kinda girl. However, for some reason, I LOVE this album.

TV of the week: NBA Playoffs,  Pretty Little Liars

Movie of the week: The Shift

My favorite quote from the movie is “You’re only a thought away from changing your life.” I’ve experienced being a thought away from changing my day. But my life? How inspiring. It will happen because I’m working on it daily. Btw, the movie was decent.

Books of the week: Still reading: Night by Elie Wiesel, A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson, and
May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness by Gabrielle Berstein (on day 39).

I’m going to be reading A Course in Miracles for at least a year, so I guess I should list that here.  I’m starting The Course on this Sunday. I’m so excited to begin the workbook!  I bought A Course in Miracles Made Easy: Mastering the Journey From Fear to Love. I may start that along with The Course. I haven’t decided yet. It was on sale for $1.99 and has great reviews, so I had to have it.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Packing, packing, and more packing. I might go to yoga on Saturday, but I have a thousand reasons why I might just skip it and stay in. As of right now, I’m not going. I have to mow the lawn on Sunday since it has been rainy throughout the week.

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend. 🙂 I might post before I go on my trip, but if not I’ll have pics and details when I get back near the end of next week.

I will survive

I’m not officially done with cable until May 18th, but I’ve already cut the cord. My cable is no longer “plugged in.” I’m going to be on vacation on May 18th, and I figured why not start now? I’m already struggling with the lack of NBA playoffs. 😦 Sigh. I’m going to miss basketball so much, but I haven’t looked into all the options yet. Next year I will know everything about what I can or can’t get without cable.

I do have an antenna and a digital converter box. I only bought the digital converter box because it works as a DVR (when connected to a hard drive). I’ve never had a DVR before. *gasp* I know. I can get all the local channels plus more which surprised me because I live in the suburbs, but I’m surrounded by trees. Not just trees, forest. For some reason, I’m having trouble with NBC. With just the antenna (and NOT the converter box), I had no problem with NBC. Hmmm.

This is only a concern for me because I prefer NBC news and I would like to be able to record Dateline so I can watch it later. I’m using this hard drive to record shows.  I haven’t played around enough with recording. I’ll do a review on the whole thing once I have an opinion. I hope I can somehow get NBC without disconnecting the converter box.

Update: UGH! The hard drive would barely work with the converter box. So fuck it. I’m going to use it to back up my computer files even though I already have a backup in place for it. I don’t need to record TV. I’ll be fine. 🙂

As far as my spiritual practice goes, I’ve been listening to too much Marianne Williamson and not enough Gabby Bernstein. Thank god there is an easy fix. More Gabby! lol. Gabby is about more than A Course in Miracles. She helps me want to be a better person.

I finally got my own copy of A Course in Miracles! I can’t wait to start the Course. I’m starting on Monday, May 15th (the first day of my vacation). I even bought a special cover for it with my birthday money. It’s a Bible cover with a Bible verse on it. A year ago I would have scoffed at the thought of even buying it. Me? A Bible verse? LOL.

I don’t know if I would ever carry the Bible cover in public. Part of me doesn’t want people thinking I’m Christian. But what’s wrong with being Christian? It should be nothing, but I still have issues/judgment with Christianity. I’m working on it. I’m getting much better. Trust me.

I got my lab results back. My B12 levels were normal. Uh, probably because I’ve been taking supplements. I’m going to keep taking them. My iron was low. She told me to take an iron supplement. So that is what I’ll do.

Gotta go.

Can’t nobody tame this raging heart

******BREAKING NEWS******* I just canceled cable. I know I’m late but hallelujah. Amen!

Countdown:

11 days until my vacation (woohoo!)

44 days until my certification exam *gasp*

I get my blood drawn tomorrow for more tests after I get off work. I know my iron will be low because it always is. They are testing for B12 deficiency too. Um, I just started taking a B12 supplement. I don’t know what effect that will have. I’m not taking B12 tomorrow, FWIW. Interested in getting the results.

I used to disregard Marianne Williamson because she talked about God too much, but now it doesn’t bother me at all. She believes in the Christian* God. I’m not there (yet?). I am now listening to all her talks, and she is the best at breaking down A Course in Miracles. I just feel moved to share that she does free live streams every Tuesday at 7:30 EST. This past Tuesday was so great. I watched it twice. She was speaking to what I was going through. It really helped me move on from the situation.

*I’m not sure I should call it the Christian God. She’s Jewish. But you know what I mean, right? 😉

People are throwing out names of Democrats who might run for president in 2020. I’d vote for Marianne Williamson. She’s the only person I would GLADLY vote for. I can’t think of any Dem I want to run (maybe Elizabeth Warren is ok- not sure). Marianne ran for Senate in 2014 and lost. Barack Obama lost his first Senate race too. But Marianne isn’t interested in running. At all. 😦 I would donate money to her. Volunteer for her. etc.

Why her? She’s very knowledgeable. She cares about my #1 domestic issue (mass incarceration)  She’s just fabulous. She knows everything, and we agree on almost everything. She’s a real progressive. She is sort of like Bernie Sanders EXCEPT she knows way more about race relations in the US than he does. Plus, she is a student of A Course in Miracles. She would use that to make decisions on policy. (The Course isn’t a religion, so it’s okay).


I bought myself a dress for my birthday. I had a $5.59 credit for selling my clothes to ThredUp, so I didn’t have to pay full price. The dress only cost $13.99. Here it is:

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Purple is my favorite color, so I’m in love with this dress. I hope I can wear it. It is a size small, and I can usually wear a small, but it depends on the brand. When ordering online, I usually order mediums just to be safe because I hate sending items back. I don’t think I would trust a small from a store like Forever 21. Anyhow, I’m planning on wearing this dress when we go out to the beach and out to eat on my birthday. I found an amazing restaurant while browsing the net to go to.

P.S. If you are a new customer to ThredUp, please use my link to get $10 off your first order. And THANK YOU so much to all of you who have used my Lyon and Post link. Use that link to get $30 off. That’s a great deal.

My part-time job gave me a $20 Target gift card for my birthday!! Awww. How nice and very surprising. I was so nervous to open the letter. I did just sign another contract with them, but I had no idea what to expect. Now if only I were working. lol.  I’ll be patient. Eventually, I’ll be complaining about how I have no free time because I’m working all the damn time.

This week I…

Music of the week: India.Arie, Lea Michele, Mary J. Blige, John Mayer, Robyn, Ellie Goulding, Michelle Branch, Nelly Furtado

TV of the week: NBA Playoffs, Survivor, Pretty Little Liars

PLL is finally ending. Yay! I’m still devasted over the Washington Wizards lost on Tuesday night. Isaiah Thomas is amazing. I feel so bad for him. I can’t even be that mad they are beating the Wizards.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I don’t know if this is politically correct to say, but I’m obsessed with Holocaust survivor stories. I decided to start reading Night by Elie Wiesel. I’m surprised I haven’t already read it. I also started A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson. I’m not trying to lose weight right now, but I don’t want to gain weight either. I think this book will be interesting because it focuses on the spiritual aspect of food.

I’m browsing A Course in Miracles. I wanted to buy my own paperback version, but Amazon doesn’t have it in stock. My copy of the book isn’t due back at the library until May 24th. But I already see things I want to highlight. I’m kind of frustrated that I can’t highlight. Maybe I should just buy the Kindle version to highlight passages until I can own the book. I don’t mind having more than one copy. We’ll see.

I’m still reading  May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness by Gabrielle Berstein (on day 32). Almost done.

I finished reading Love Warrior: A Memoir by Glennon Doyle Melton. OMG. Best book ever. (slight exaggeration) Her story is my story. Well, minus the husband drama. I love how she found yoga. Great book. I love honest memoirs.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: I’m going to go out to eat at Ocharleys with my mom. I will probably have the salmon again because it was so good. But the burger is much cheaper, so I don’t know. lol.

I’m taking my final practice exam before I have the certification test on Sunday morning. I always get so anxious about these tests! They’re just practice. But I made an 82 last time, and I want to make at least an 82 this time. No pressure. I feel like I’ve been slacking when it comes to studying for my certification exam. I’m committed to taking it seriously. I need to spend more time studying and less time procrastinating.

Yeah, that’s about it for this weekend. Thanks for reading. Have a great one. 🙂

I might be a bitch, but I’m free

If we choose to introduce our true selves to anyone, we will get hurt. But we will be hurt either way. There is pain in hiding and pain outside of hiding. The pain outside is better because nothing hurts as bad as not being known.

-Glennon Doyle Melton

I went to yoga on Saturday! I love the studio. I love the instructor. I love the town, but I hate how far it is. The class itself was above average. I’d give it a B. I didn’t like that only 3 other people were in the class.  (!!!) It was a class of 4. And I got a bad vibe from one of the people. The guy. I’m sure 50% of it was my fault, and 50% of it was his. I was the only newbie, and I almost died when the instructor said to welcome me. So embarrassing.

He was the only one that didn’t speak to me which didn’t bother me. BUT it did affect the vibe of the class. I felt awkward. That is very normal for me. Will I go back? Well, this is the place I used the Groupon for. I have 4 more free classes. Yes, I will go back. I don’t know when. It expires in July.

Overall it was a decent experience. It definitely made me want MORE yoga. I think I’m going to take my yoga mat outside and do yoga on my own and go to the studio.

So much has been going on this month and it just started. May is my favorite month of the year. I love the weather, and yes, some of it has to do with it being my birthday month. Of course. Let’s see. I ordered a new refrigerator Monday night and then found out it was an electrical problem, so I gladly canceled the order.  I spent forever trying to fix the electrical problem myself. Couldn’t do it, so I called an electrician. He was able to tell me what to do over the phone! Yes, it was FREE.

THANK YOU, UNIVERSE!! I am so grateful. Everything worked out. I’ve been relying on my spiritual practice so much.

My mammogram isn’t scheduled until May 25th. How ridiculous. If it were a regular mammogram AKA a screening mammogram, I could have had it done much sooner, but since the doctor found lumps, I need an appointment with the radiologist. Apparently, the radiologists are only there during the day. Don’t they understand some people have to work? I’m so beyond sick of taking time off to go to the doctor. I want to take time off for vacations or to mow the lawn (lol).

Am I the only one who works during the day? What’s going on? What if this is something serious? May 25th??! Okay, whatever. It’s probably nothing. It’s not their fault, I have a hard time getting time off during the warmer months. If this were February, I could have gotten a quicker appointment.  Another ridiculous thing is that I have to PAY for this visit since it isn’t a regular mammogram. Last time I paid about $45.  Does that even make sense? Whatever. I’m actually looking forward to when I can have regular screening mammograms so it can be free.

I have my lab work appointment on this Thursday. They’re testing for iron levels and B12 levels. I hope they can give me my results before I go on vacation. I was going to buy iron pills, but I don’t know if I have anemia or what. Shouldn’t there be something stronger than iron supplements for anemia? I’ve been so tired. On the weekends, I’ve been sleeping more than usual. I’ve already talked about being barely able to mow the lawn.

Gotta go. I’ll be back soon. 🙂