I don’t belong in these parts

I’m thinking about taking a 2-hour meditation class. It is next Saturday at 3PM. It costs $38. I need to get serious about meditation. I used to do a 12-minute meditation every morning, and then I changed my work schedule. To meditate, pray and do A Course in Miracles every morning I would have to get up at least 10 minutes earlier.  I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but I already get up at 4:50 AM.

I need to stop reading The Washington Post when I first get up, looking at the news, checking twitter for news, etc. Most of the time nothing is going on, so it takes about 5 minutes to check everything. However, some days there are big news stories overnight, and that leads me to read over what’s going on, and I go down the rabbit trail.

I’m getting frustrated easily especially when it comes to my part-time job. I just think (know?) meditation would help. I guess if I really believed in meditation, I would do it. I would dedicate myself to a practice. I could be working right now, but I’m so frustrated. &*$%.

For the first time, I’m really nervous about the Virginia governor race. I have to remove myself from the results. I just can’t get too emotionally involved. I thought Northam would win for sure about 2 weeks ago. Now I think Gillespie will win. 😦 Major bummer. Everyone is watching this race. This is the most important election on election day and blah, blah, blah. Virginia, you are blue or maybe purple. You are not red. Don’t go back due to scary racist commercials.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Pink, Demi Lovato, Joan Osborne, Aretha Franklin, Lea Michele, Coldplay, Ke$ha, Kelly Clarkson

TV of the week: Grey’s Anatomy, basketball

The NBA is back!! College basketball will be back soon. Yay!

Movie of the week: Nocturnal Animals. I’m not sure how I feel about this movie. It is supposed to be a thriller. I don’t think I enjoyed it as much as everyone else did. I’m not a big Jake Gyllenhaal fan. I like Amy Adams, but not in this. Blah. It was average, I guess.

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage, The Jess Lively Show

I need to listen to more podcasts during the day. I listen at night and then fall asleep during the episode, and I have to listen all over again.

Books of the week: It should say ‘book’ of the week. I’m really focused on finishing The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. I’m not sure what I’m going to read next. I have a few books on hold from the library.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren (coming on Sunday)

Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping, working, and school work. Do I sound like a broken record or what? This is what I do on most weekends. It’s going to be nice this weekend. That should be a good thing, but that means more dogs at the park. Last weekend, the same unleashed dog came up to me and my dog 3 times!! It is illegal to have an unleashed dog at this park, btw. Anyway…I’m kind of looking forward to it getting cool so fewer people will be there. Only the park would make me say that.

So I can miss Mr. Stalker, and due to seeing fewer people at the park, I now go to the park during my lunch break. I don’t like it because I can’t linger when the park is almost empty or on a nice day. I have to get back to work, so it feels almost like a chore. It’s not as fun. But I do feel blessed to live so close to the park. I would never drive to the park every day…not even for my dog. lol.

Thanks for reading. Have a marvelous weekend. 😉

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Me too?

I guess I should put a trigger warning on this entry, but I don’t know how. Um, it is about unwanted sexual advances.

I’m shocked if any woman hasn’t been sexually assaulted or harassed. Isn’t that sad? I just read a report that said 30% of women (in the US) have been sexually harassed at work. That hasn’t happened to me at work. However, I have had unwanted sexual advances. I don’t know what it is called because it happened when I was in elementary school. I think I was 7 or 8. I can’t remember.

It happened with 2 different boys. They were around my age. Maybe one year older at the most. Is that sexual assault? Or is that child abuse?  What is it? I have no idea.

One boy tried to kiss me. I think more than once. I think he did kiss me but not on the mouth. It still disgusts me. The other boy felt my butt while I was fully clothed. I thought I could get pregnant from that! I was scared. That happened more than once. But I don’t remember how long it went on. It didn’t last for longer than that school year.

That is all that has ever happened to me. I don’t know how bad it is. It just happened. Is it weird that I think this is normal and that it has happened to almost everyone? Is my thinking skewed? I’m asking a lot of questions because I know nothing. I never reported this, btw.

I would like to think this didn’t scar me. But I was probably (definitely?) afraid it would happen again. I was so young. I didn’t know anything. I’m not scared of it happening now. I rarely think about it.

I just wanted to share my “Me too” story even though I don’t know if it is a “me too” story.

not lonely, just alone

A pic of my dog from one of our daily visits to the park. It wasn’t this week because this week was rainy. (We still went to the park every damn day, though. ha!)

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He hates having his pic taken which makes it hard to get good pics, but oh well.

I just finished splitting a few of my Abilify pills in half. I do it in advance, so I don’t have to do it daily. I guess that means I won’t be quitting within the next two weeks. I feel this undercurrent of depression in me. I’m scared as hell to stop Abilify right now. I would rather stop when I’m not feeling any kind of sadness or overwhelmed.

I’ve been going on and on about Harvey Weinstein in this blog. I was a big fan of Miramax and The Weinstein Company, so this is a huge story to me. I’ve always known he was a jerk, but I didn’t know about the harassment. I just want to say that I know he isn’t the only one in Hollywood sexually harassing people. Also, I know it happens in other industries.

Quick Depo-Provera update: I haven’t bled as of 10/11/17. I hope that doesn’t change.

Quick stalker update: I haven’t seen him on his moped all week. That is probably because I was able to go to the park at 11:30 instead of after I got off from work. The week isn’t over…

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Demi Lovato, Shania Twain, Jasmine Thompson, Jillette Johnson, Lana Del Rey, Sam Smith, Justin Timberlake, Broods

I didn’t expect to like the new Shania. I must admit that I thought she was over once her ex-husband stopped writing with her. (How sexist!) But her new album is decent.

TV of the week: Grey’s Anatomy, Big Little Lies

Big Little Lies is so good! Reese Witherspoon kills it. Everyone is good. Don’t watch season one of BLL and think the book is good. It’s not. Don’t bother. I might be a little bitter because I spent $8 on the Kindle edition of the book. Ugh. What a waste. Anyhow, I can’t wait for season 2. I don’t have HBO, so I don’t know when I’ll be able to see it. I might get the digital version or DVD. So good (when compared to the book).

Movie of the week: I saw Hidden Figures. Very good movie. It’s based on a true story. Janelle Monae is really something. Once again, everyone was good in it. I would recommend this movie to everyone. It was better than Big Little Lies. lol.

Podcast of the week: True Crime Garage. Love that podcast. I usually listen to at least two different podcasts a week. I will start listing those in this section. I’m obsessed with true crime. I can’t get enough of it. I went through a period where I only read true crime.

Books of the week: Ugh, I’m so disappointed. There’s no way I can finish the Vietnam book in less than 2 weeks. 😦 I will still probably read it over the weekend, but then I’ll stop because it is just wasting time to try to read a book I know I’m not going to finish. I hope they put the PBS special the book is based on on Netflix, or maybe I can catch it on PBS. I think it was on over the weekend. I would just buy the book, but at last check, it was $25. I’m not spending that much on a Kindle book.

Currently reading:

I have more library books I could read, but now I’m just trying to finish The Handmaid’s Tale. I always get a bunch of library books at one time. ugh. Too many books, not enough time.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Staying in for the most part. I have to mail one thing. I don’t even have to go inside the post office. yay. I rarely get to stay in all weekend. I’m going to work at my part-time job and work on my school course.

This week off was pretty good. Only one bad thing happened: I lost power for almost 5 hours on Wednesday morning. I could’ve worked at my part-time job. I lost 5 whole hours! I would like to think I’m over it now, but I dunno. 😉 I had everything all planned out and then that happened.

Have an amazing weekend. Thanks for reading! 🙂

Why do I keep looking back?

The leaves are turning colors and dropping from the trees, but it is so hot! Well, it is in the upper 80s, but it is very humid. I’m the last one to complain about it being hot. But’s it’s October, and I have this new vest I want to wear, and it’s too warm to wear it. Gah! It’s just weird with the leaves changing colors and all. I hope this means we will have a warm winter like last year. AND NO SNOW. Please!!! We did get snow last year. I hate snow and winter. Hate it.

I got my 4th Depo injection today.

Nurse: It is worth getting this shot to not get pregnant, right?

hahahahah. ROFL. Um, I don’t have to worry about EVER getting pregnant. Never have. Hopefully, never will. Too funny. 😉 Anyway, God, please let my period stop. Please. Last time I got the injection, the bleeding stop immediately. Today not so much. Bummer. It’s not heavy at all, but I’m on Depo-Provera, and I shouldn’t be getting my period. Well, I recently went 20 days straight without bleeding. What a concept! I believe Depo will work for me. I’m not going to continue to get injections if the bleeding doesn’t stop.

I’m glad Harvey Weinstein was fired. I feel bad for the women he abused and/or raped. What a monster. And people in Hollywood knew this. Did you read that Meryl Streep said she didn’t know??! I’m sorry, but what a liar. EVERYONE KNEW. Does she live in a cave in Hollywood? I’m serious. She didn’t know? WTF?! How could that go on so long and who else is doing the same thing? This must be stopped.

Oh and now Jennifer Lawerence is saying she didn’t know. How could she not know? I guess a lot of people will be added to this ‘I didn’t know’ list. So I’ll stop counting. I just find that hard to believe.

I have decided I’m not going to continue with Abilify after mid-December. That’s scary. The last time I went off Abilify I was so depressed. I couldn’t hold food down until after 10 AM. I wasn’t hungry most of the time. Maybe I will lose weight. I was just hopeless and sigh. It was really bad. So this will suck.

I don’t know what else to do. Abilify takes some inhibitions away. It leads me to be impulsive. I still say it is great for depression, though. I’ve got from now until December to come up with something.

Apparently, there’s no hope for me when it comes to depression. 😦 Unless I can get TMS somehow. I will ask my shrink about it in December. I will tell him EVERYTHING like he is a fucking counselor. He will get how Abilify (almost) ruined my life. I will take notes in even though I probably won’t have to use them. He knows Abilify makes 1 in 3 people impulsive. Yet he said nothing. FUCK him. But I wanted it. lol. It works, but I can’t take the side effects anymore. I’m done.

I was going to quit on my vacation this week, but who wants to be depressed on their week off? Besides it really wouldn’t hit until next week. Who wants to be depressed ever? *whines* I don’t know what to do, but I know for sure that I will stop taking Abilify. Btw, it can be stopped suddenly unlike most antidepressants.

In conclusion, I think I’m going to stop taking Abilify before seeing my shrink in December. That way I can describe how I felt and prove that I really do need SOMETHING. I just have to pick a date to stop. I may stop very soon as in this week because I know the depression won’t hit until a week or two later. I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay motivated for one job, much less two jobs. Double sigh.

Here is a short video explaining a little of what Abilify can cause:

I’m sure there are better videos on the topic, but I don’t want to watch them. I already know what Abilify can do from personal experience. I don’t like how he doesn’t say that Abilify actually works. The problem is the side effects. It can cure depression, schizophrenia, etc.

I’m enjoying my time off from my full-time job. So much to do and so little time to do it. Right now I want to take a break from everything and have a dance party for 20 minutes, so that is what I will do. Bye. 🙂

 

I’ll be fine

Hallelujah! I’m off from my full-time job all next week. Party time! 🙂 Yes, I still have part-time work and school work, but I will have more time to focus on those things. YAY!

People would often allude to horrible things about Harvey Weinstein. I wanted it to be his personality. A lot of people in Hollywood are difficult. But sexual harassment? Too bad. He does good work for social causes PLUS I love his movies. I guess I shouldn’t watch his movies anymore. Sigh. Almost all the movies I would even consider watching are Weinstein movies, so that leaves me with nothing. So far, I haven’t read the NY Times piece because I know it would disgust me further. All I need to know is that he has sexually harassed many women. Got it. I will probably read the article over the weekend.

And WTF was Cam Newton thinking laughing at a female reporter’s question? Dannon dropped him, and I’m not surprised. Who mostly buys yogurt? WOMEN. Geez.

Enough about everything else, let’s talk about me. 😉 Um. Someone is trying to harass me. I don’t feel harassed, but I believe that is his intention. I don’t want to call him a neighbor. People use that term loosely. Too me a neighbor lives very close. He lives more than 120 yards from me. That’s bigger than a football field. I consider him a person that lives in the neighborhood but not a neighbor.

Anyway, he has been following me to the park on his moped, or whatever that thing is. And one day last week he parked his moped in front of my house when he knew I was walking back from the park. On Tuesday, he was on his way home in his truck as I was walking to the park with my dog. He saw me, went home, changed clothes and got on his moped, and we were on the same pathway at the park. He is basically stalking me.

I don’t like it and I do kind of feel stalked. I don’t believe he would do anything to hurt me (like kill or rape me). I don’t want to change my schedule because my park schedule works with my work and my dog. I like him to go to the park in the afternoon to relieve himself. I could do a quick walk at lunchtime, but that would be very rushed. However, I am considering doing that on some days.

I am very thankful to be off from work next week because now I can change up my schedule a lot. I can walk my dog after lunch with no rush. I can walk him at 10 AM if I want. We can explore the park. I assume Mr. Stalker won’t be there because he won’t see me going to the park. I’m glad he can’t see when I leave. That would bother me much more. He can only see me when he happens to be driving home when I’m walking to the park.

I haven’t done anything to this man. My mom’s scared he is going to do something to me. I had to tell her just in case something does happen even though I’m 99% sure nothing will.

I found out one of my high school classmates passed away in April. 😦 He was an army vet. I would think about him all the time, so I was shocked to hear his name on the local news. Shocked and saddened But now I believe he is in a much better place. I don’t believe in heaven, but I do know he isn’t suffering anymore. He had PTSD according to his mother. And he was also mostly paralyzed, but not from the war. I’m so glad he is out of his hell.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Demi Lovato, Shania Twain, Lady Antebellum, Miley Cyrus, JoJo, Justin Timberlake, Ellie Goulding, Cheat Codes

Not really feeling the new Miley. However, I am loving the new Demi album:

Demi Lovato – Tell Me You Love Me (live)

TV of the week: Grey’s Anatomy, RHONJ

Movie of the week: I finally saw La La Land. I hated the ending!! Overall, the movie was just okay. I liked the old school vibe. I went into this movie totally blind. I had no idea it was a semi-musical. I hate jazz. Sorry. I know that statement is blasphemous to some people. Anyway, I’m glad Moonlight won best picture over this movie.

I also watched Gaga: Five Foot Two. I’m not a big Lady Gaga fan but I love music docs. It was authentic. It made me see her as a real person. One reason I wasn’t a fan was because of her antics. Her latest album is raw and just her. Anyway, I enjoyed it.

Books of the week: Now reading:

My dad fought in Vietnam. I would love to know his take on all of it. But war is not something I would just bring up. Especially Vietnam. So many people died. Some of his friends died. From what I know of the war, I am disgusted by what happened. However, I am reading this book to hear from ALL sides. I want to know everything.

From the book:

Nothing, certainly not our film or book, can make the tragedy of the Vietnam War all right. But we can, and we must honor the courage, heroism, and sacrifice of those who served, those who died, and those who participated in the war against the war.

Amen!

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: Woohoo! I’m celebrating on Friday afternoon. No more full-time work for 9 days straight. Okay, I’m not really celebrating. On Friday evening, I’ll be working at my part-time job and cleaning my living room. Another fun Friday night.

This weekend will be normal. I’m going grocery shopping, doing school work and working. I have a lot of reading for class to do and I really, really, want to finish the Vietnam book before it is due at the library. The book is over 600 pages, and I only have a few weeks to read it. I’m reading 3 library books at once, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish all three.

I’m not doing anything special on my week off. Besides going to the park daily, I’m only going out to get the Depo injection. Fun times. Well, I gotta go. I’m getting ready to read in bed. No more work tonight.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

Just protecting my soul

Can’t even go to concerts anymore. Music is supposed to be the one sacred thing left. Some people would say church. For me, it is music. It brings all different types of people together…yes, even at a country music concert. I went to see Jason Aldean many years ago. I’m a liberal. Not all country music lovers are conservative red necks. People like to stereotype people based on the music they listen to. That’s another subject.

About gun control: I don’t get how we are supposed to get rid of the guns already bought. A determined person will get their hands on a gun. Do they know how many guns are currently in America?

There are 300 million guns in America, tell me how we are going to get rid of them. People are just going to follow the law and get rid of the ones they already own? LOL.

I would love for America to have fewer guns. But I also know it is relatively easy to get an illegal gun. I guess I don’t have a lot of faith in people. Drunk driving is illegal. People still do it. Determined people will do what they want. Prove to me that this “gun control” thing will work and I’ll jump on board. I just keep thinking of the guns already here. Maybe if they pass gun control now, in 50+ years, there will be fewer guns in the country. I’ll give people that.

One more thing: I find the NRA abhorrent. They are one of the worst things that have ever happen to politics. I wish they didn’t exist. So I’m definitely not anti-gun control. I just want someone to logically explain to me how this would work.

I haven’t watched the news much since Monday. I woke up at 4AM EST and heard that 20+ people had been killed. I didn’t go back to sleep.  I watched the news almost all day. After Monday, I’ve just tuned out. I feel a bit cold about it. Maybe numb. I don’t know.

I’m in my zone

It’s not bonus time, but my boss gave me an extra $100 for doing good work at my full-time job.  Awesome. I wasn’t counting on that. Over the years, I would hear of others getting rewards, and I thought, “That’s never going to be me.”  Surprise! 🙂

Wow!! After I gushed over Justin Timberlake, he might be performing at the Super Bowl! Let everyone else be mad, but I’m so excited. I will not watch the football game since I’m still boycotting football because it kills people, BUT I will watch the halftime show if JT performs.

I really miss watching football. My weekends used to be planned around it. Maybe they will find a cure for CTE and even then, I’m not sure I’ll watch it. The NFL knew about CTE and didn’t tell the players or anyone. I should boycott the NFL forever because this is never going to change even if they find a cure. I have dreams of watching football (college and pro) 10 years from now after it doesn’t kill people. That isn’t realistic, though. The facts won’t ever change. People knew what it was doing to players, and they said nothing. Just keep making money while people are dying for sport.

#BoycottFootball

One more controversial thing: I guess people hate it when they realize most football players are black. Ha! Better not to think about it.

After one more week of work, I’m off from my full-time job for a full week. YAY! I usually only take off 3 days in October every year, so a full week sounds divine.

Depo-Provera update: And on the 21st day, I bled. $#@%! But it was light and only lasted one morning. However, that makes me think my period isn’t gone forever. I went 20 days without any bleeding which is the longest I’ve gone in about 6-8 months. I get my fourth Depo shot on October 10. I wish it didn’t have to be an ongoing thing. After a year of shots, I wish that would be it.

I should’ve gotten an IUD, but I’m scared of the pain of having it inserted.

On Tuesday we (my dog and I) went to the park and we saw NO ONE. It was glorious to have the whole park to ourselves. Actually this whole week we haven’t seen a ton of people. Weird. I’m not looking forward to this weekend. People will be back and dogs will be back. Bummer.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Justin Timberlake, Ke$ha, Demi Lovato, JoJo, Emeli Sande, India.Arie, *NSYNC, Bethany Dillion

TV of the week: I’ve been mostly binge-watching the Zach Adams trial. It’s gruesome and sad.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished reading The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo: A Novel by Taylor Jenkins Reid. I would never have read this without Jen from YouTube recommending it. I’m glad I gave it a chance, but I probably wouldn’t recommend it to someone unless they love fiction. I gave it four stars on Goodreads. I may read Reid’s other books. Right now my “to read” list is too long so maybe next year I will get to her.

I’m now reading What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship, and Love by Carole Radziwill.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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Plans for the Weekend: I’m planning on working and taking my test for chapter 4. Chapter 4 is so arduous. It’s boring, so that makes me not want to take the test because I know it will take forever.  I made an 88 on my last test, and it only took 22 minutes. This test will probably take 2 hours. I’m not looking forward to it.

I hope I have part-time work all weekend. I know I have work for tonight. Working on a Friday night is super fun! No sarcasm. 😉 Friday nights aren’t that special to me. I was considering going to see the Washington Wizards practice tonight. I went last year and didn’t work at my part-time job. But this year, I’m choosing work. It’s the end of the month, and I need the money. We get paid on October 15th for the work we did this month.

Maybe I’ll see the Wizards next year.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂