I’m not ready for it

UGH. Old man winter sucks. I’m officially depressed. I don’t like to use the word depression lightly. I usually don’t use it unless I’m suicidal. And I’m NOT suicidal. Thank the Universe. But it still sucks. I just can’t adjust to this weather. I’ve always known I’ve had seasonal affective disorder. Well, not always. I’ve known about it for the past 10 years.

I’m so glad I’m back on Abilify. I’m never going off it during the winter again. NEVER. So I will probably start weaning off Abilify in mid-February since the withdrawal symptoms don’t show up for at least 3 weeks. I’m assuming March will be warm or at least 50-ish degrees.

When I get back from LA, I’m going to call the new psychiatrist and set up an appointment. Random, but I have a lot of phone calls to make when I get back. Anyway, so I might see what he or she says about weaning off the Abilify.

I miss last winter. 😦 It was so mild and nice. My next entry was supposed to be my top albums of 2017, but I wanted to document this sadness. In other sad winter news, my water was off all day. I didn’t think it was that cold.

I have most everything packed that can be packed for this weekend. I keep checking Chicago’s weather and I think it is going to be okay on Friday. No snow. It was pretty dumb to choose to fly through Chicago during the winter, but I wasn’t thinking. Why is that even an option during the winter? How many flights do they cancel? I keep seeing advisories from airports about O’Hare. It’s hard NOT to freak out.

It isn’t going to be that warm in Los Angeles while I’m there. The high will be 67. The low will be in the 40s. That matters because I will be out late at night and out early in the morning.  I wouldn’t mind that if I didn’t have to pack for it. At this point, I’m just wearing something lightweight and putting a cardigan on. I don’t want to pack a heavy sweater. I’m trying to keep my carry on as light as possible because United Airlines will make me check my suitcase if it is too heavy. That happened to me with Vegas. I bought so much stuff in Vegas, my bag got too heavy.

I’m not planning on buying anything to bring back from LA. I hope I don’t see anything and get tempted. Well, I know I’m going to be tempted while I’m at Olvera Street. From pics and videos, it reminds me so much of Oaxaco City, Mexico. That’s why I want to go. Oh, I also bought a lot of stuff from Mexico. Fun times.

Back to my sadness: I’m trying to put things in perspective and not be so sad over winter. But dammit, I can’t help it. It’s like telling someone to snap out of depression. It also doesn’t help that I felt so sick this morning. I could not stop sneezing. I think I’m fine now. I was very productive during overtime this morning. If only every day at work could be like this morning.

My dog is also sick. Great, right? My slight sickness, my dog being sick (probably from his food), and this winter weather is making me glad I have an escape this weekend. I wish I could stay an extra day. But I don’t want to even think of changing flights and all that. I don’t even know if I can. Plus, it isn’t financially responsible to spend another night at the hotel. So it isn’t happening.

My next entry will be my top 17 albums of 2017 because nothing bad will happen before I leave for my trip. That’s the optimism! 😉

Update: I just got Fire and Fury from the library. You know what I’ll be reading on the plane when I’m not reading A Course in Miracles! YAY!


Let the games begin


8 days before I leave for Los Angeles (!!!)

On Wednesday, the water came back on in my house! I lived 10 days without water. I wouldn’t recommend it. I hope it doesn’t happen again. I’m so thankful. That is a little miracle.

I’m going to try to pack as much as I can this weekend. Most of the electronics I can’t pack in advance, but I can pack most of my clothes etc. I also have to write down addresses to everything in LA. I feel like that might be old school, but that’s how I do things. I need to have it written down and not on my phone. This is my final itinerary:

Friday –

Saturday –

OMG! I just found out that the talk I’m going to will be live-streamed. People can pay $20 to watch. Um, I was considering standing up in front of all those people and asking Gabby a question, but now that I know it will be live-streamed. FUCK! I’m not doing that. This is probably for the best. I don’t know what to do now. I probably won’t ask my question. I’m kind of sad about that, but do you know how scary it is to stand in front of hundreds of people and share your deepest secret?

I don’t even know how scary it is cause I’ve never done it. I can only imagine. Well, that changes things. I kind of wish she had did this up front. Maybe I wouldn’t be going to LA? But I do want to do the things I listed above. And I do get to get my book signed and blah, blah.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8):  Marren Morris, Ke$ha, Lea Michele, Lorde, Demi Lovato, Kelly Clarkson, Pink, Sam Smith

My next and final entry before I go to LA will probably be my top 17 albums of 2017. Coming one day next week.

TV of the week:  Mindhunter, PLL

I didn’t love Mindhunter. I love serial killers and true crime. I read all about them. But I didn’t get the TV show. It was watchable, but nothing special. With that being said, I will watch season 2 if there is one. 😉

Movie of the week: I’m insane. You already know that. I downloaded 8 movies for my LA trip. haha. I’m only going to be gone for 3 days. Yes, I live on the east coast but the plane ride isn’t that long. Anyway, I only paid for one movie, the rest I got free from Amazon Prime. Here are the movies I downloaded onto my Kindle Fire SD card in case I get stuck somewhere:

  • Capote (tried reading the book, couldn’t finish)
  • Sherrybaby (seen. loved it.)
  • Sliding Doors (seen a long time ago)
  • The King’s Speech (paid for. Never seen it).
  • Dirty Dancing (seen, but not recently. This would be perfect for falling asleep to in the hotel)
  • Amy (haven’t seen it. It is an Amy Winehouse documentary)
  • The Secret (read the book a few times. Haven’t seen the movie).
  • The Dressmaker (Haven’t seen)

I’m most excited about The King’s Speech. I plan to watch it on the plane ride from Chicago to LA. If it isn’t good, then I can just switch to a reliable movie like Sherrybaby or Dirty Dancing. That’s the plan.

Podcasts of the week:  I’m trying to limit my podcast listening this week and next week so I can have stuff to listen to at the airport or on the plane. 8 movies and books aren’t enough. I need podcasts too! I did listen to All In With Chris Hayes, Don’t Freak Out, and The Mental Illness Happy Hour this week.

Books of the week: Well, since I’m talking about what I’m taking to LA, I think I’ll keep it going here too. My main focus will be reading A Course in Miracles (when I’m not watching movies, or listening to podcasts. ha!) I’m taking my highlighter with me and I plan to read and highlight while I’m at the airport and on some flights. I’m such a geeky planner. I plan everything!

I already packed What Remains by Carole Radziwill in my carry on purse. I will probably only get to that if I get frustrated by A Course in Miracles. And I have about 30 books on my Kindle e-reader. I want to take more 3D books, but I know that’s NUTS. If I sit still and do nothing on a plane or at an airport, I guess I think I’ll die or something.

Now reading –

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Get to Work Book (coming Sunday)

Plans for the Weekend:  On Saturday, I’m going to the bank to get one dollar bills for my trip. I need to tip the shuttle driver (apparently). I’m going to finally take my test on Sunday morning around 7 AM. On Monday, I’m working overtime in the morning.  I’ll just be very pleased if I get everything packed that I can pack this weekend.

It is going to be warm today through Saturday so I’m hoping to make it to the park all 3 days. We (my dog and I) went to the park for the first time in about 2 weeks on Tuesday. It was about 50 degrees and everyone was there.

Thanks for reading! I appreciate it. Have a lovely weekend! 🙂


I met Marianne Williamson

And she’s a normal human being! 🙂 I won’t post the pics of her and me together on this blog because this blog is supposed to be anonymous. She was sitting and I was standing next to her. She was smiling and I had a huge smile. lol. I did post the pic on Facebook (which I haven’t posted on in forever!) and on Instagram so if you know where those are, you can see the pic there.

Here is a pic I took as I got closer in line to her:

20180106_171348 (2)

It was kind of awkward because I’m very awkward. But I’m not concentrating on that because Marianne meets thousands of people every year. Do you know how many slightly awkward encounters she has? It wasn’t that bad. I forgot she has hearing loss and I talk VERY low and mumble to people I don’t know. So she didn’t understand what I said at first.

I said, “I loved your New Year’s Retreat”. I don’t know if she ever heard what I said (I think so). But she did say, “thank you”. Btw, I had NO IDEA I would be meeting her or getting my book signed. They did not advertise that. I stood in line about 30 minutes. It didn’t seem that long.

The talk was great. She spoke for about 90 minutes and took questions for 45 minutes. It was mostly about America in general. This is the Love America tour after all. It’s hard to explain what she spoke about in a few sentences. Since I’m a devotee, I’d heard most of what she said before, but I still enjoyed hearing it LIVE. Thanks for coming Marianne.

My A Course in Miracles lesson this morning was: I place the future in the hands of God. That’s so hard. I took it to be about my trip to Los Angeles. Don’t worry about stopping in Chicago. I would feel better if I were stopping in Atlanta, but I’m just going to lay it on the altar and not worry about it. Besides, there is nothing I can do now. Hearing about all these planes cancellations isn’t helping.

I still don’t have water in my house. It has been 8 days. No water. Today it was 39 degrees. It’s funny how warm that feels. LOL. Please don’t let this be a plumbing disaster. I can’t afford it. Yes, I would have to pay for it. Not my landlord. He has made that clear. I’m praying for a miracle at this point.

And then there’s the vet and their incompetence. I make mistakes at work so I shouldn’t be hard on them.  I called to board my dog while I’m on my trip. She didn’t seem thrilled about keeping my dog even though she wouldn’t be doing it.  She answers the phone.  Anyway, she knows he’s scared around strangers so she’s asking me all these questions and I’m FREAKING out. What if I can’t leave him at the vet? WTF would I do?

My mom would watch my dog if it were warmer. She doesn’t want to have to take him outside constantly in the cold and what if it snows? There is no way she’s going to want to go out in that. Back to the vet: I did make a boarding appointment but she made the appointment for the wrong dates. :/ Ugh. Now I have to call again. I hate making phone calls. I’m just thankful they agreed to take him. He likes to be around me all the time. He’s scared of everyone else until he knows them.

Normally, I plan trips with my dog in my mind. I want him to come with me! I took him on my birthday trip last year. If I go somewhere this year, I will definitely try to take him. At this point, I will be happy with a week off from work. I don’t need to go anywhere this year. I’m going somewhere in less than 2 weeks!

Justin Timberlake is coming to DC in March. I really want to go. I would go if it weren’t for LA and if I knew how the water situation was going to end up. Sigh. I dunno. I’m not some rich bitch. ROFL. Let’s end on that.

Fuck, I hate the cold

I haven’t had water since Saturday. Last winter I didn’t lose water for one day! That’s how mild of a winter we had. It’s only the beginning of January and I have no water. 😦 I hope one of my pipes hasn’t burst. The year before last, I would lose water when it was very cold and the pipes hadn’t burst so I’m hoping for the best.

One of my coworkers lost everything in a fire (including her pets) and I’m whining about water. I am sending her something this weekend. This is what we should send money for. Not National (insert title here) Day.

Now onto the countdown:

2 days until I see Marianne Williamson speak

15 days until I’m in Los Angeles to see and meet Gabby Bernstein

I’m so not ready for LA. It’s like it’s not happening. I don’t think I will ever travel for a short trip during the winter. It doesn’t matter that where I’m going is warm. It’s cold here and I’m in a little funk. Like a lot of people, I get depressed during the winter. It also doesn’t help that I went off Abilify for 22 days.

I would stay on Abilify until March, but I would need another prescription. I’m not sure I want to do that. My appetite is back and everything is pretty normal. I haven’t made an appointment with a new psychiatrist yet. Well, I did call and they want me to leave a voicemail. I will call again for sure next week. I will leave a voicemail if I have to.

One thing about Gabby: Yes, I am nervous about meeting her and I have considered not meeting her. They say you should never meet your idols. But she’s just a normal person, right? So why shouldn’t I meet her? One person who idolizes her says she wasn’t very present when she was telling her something meaningful. She’s human like the rest of us. She shouldn’t be idolized by anyone. She’s not better than me or anyone. I do consider her one of my spiritual teachers (along with Marianne Williamson). And I would like her to sign my book. In order for her to sign my book, I have to meet her. haha.

Putting her or anyone on a pedestal is dangerous. Yes, I’m kind of going 3,000 miles to LA for her but I’m also going to just get away and see LA. I figure it’s a win-win. Even if she’s not nice to me or whatever, I have the experience of going to Los Angeles. Gabby or no one can take that away. (Unless I come to my senses and decide not to go. My wallet would thank me for that).

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8):  Taylor Swift, Julie Byrne, Linkin Park, Shawn Mendes, Demi Lovato, City High, Justin Timberlake, Ke$ha

Song of the week:  Cowboy Junkies – Fuck, I Hate the Cold

TV of the week:  The Crown, Mindhunter, news

Movie of the week: I forgot to mention that I watched Personal Shopper a few weeks back. I would only recommend this to Kristen Stewart fanatics. It’s pretty bad. But I watched the whole thing.

Podcasts of the week:  What Should I Read Next?,  Mentally Chill (I got a shout out on this week’s episode. Thanks, Kristen!! Not that Kristen is reading this. lol)

Books of the week: I finished reading When Breathe Becomes Air by Paul Kalanthi. Saddest book ever. It was very hard to read, but also a quick read. I read an article on Paul’s wife in The Washington Post this morning. It made me happy. With that being said, I don’t think it was the best book ever written. It was a good story…if that makes sense.

I read about 29 books in 2017. Not bad. That’s more than I read in 2016. I don’t have a goal of how many books I want to read this year because it depends on if I’m taking a class or working at my part-time job etc.

Now reading –

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Get to Work Book


Plans for the Weekend: Busy weekend. I was supposed to say NO to overtime. rofl. I said YES again. I will also be working OT on MLK day (a day off). I really need the extra money for the electricity bill. I can’t afford to say no. Unfortunately, they are also offering OT when I’m going to be in LA. I had to say no to that. 😦

Anyway, on Saturday I’m working OT in the morning and then I’m going to see Marianne Williamson speak for 2 hours. She’ll probably talk for an hour and then do a Q & A. Then on Sunday I’m going to two stores to grocery shop. I was supposed to take my test this weekend. It is on hold again because of the OT.

My instructor emailed me to ask me my whereabouts. Haha. In a nutshell, I was going through Abilify withdrawal for a couple of weeks and then I just didn’t feel like taking the test last weekend. And this weekend I’m busy. Got it? I’m just going to tell her I plan on taking the test next Sunday. And I do hope to take it then.

I gotta go respond to the instructor. Thanks for reading. Have a marvelous weekend! 🙂



They told you I’m crazy

I was crying in my car because my hands hurt so much. I left my gloves at home. I had to stop to get gas. The rest of my body was fine even though I wasn’t dressed that well for the cold. My hands hurt so much I couldn’t put my wallet back in my purse. I had to wait for about 3 minutes and put my hands in front of the heat for things to be okay.

Imagine being homeless and not having a shelter to go to during the winter. I really hope the temperatures go up. This is not normal for us at all. Not to be insensitive to the homeless people, but I really don’t know what to do with my electric bill. There’s nothing I can do. I just have to wait until March or until the temperature goes back to a normal 40 degrees.

UPDATE: I just saw that on next Monday (a week from today), it will be 45 degrees!!! Woohoo! Please let that be true. Don’t change. I will probably go to the park that day. It’s been way too cold to go to the park. My dog has been trying to lead me there some days.

The Marianne Williamson New Year retreat was okay. I loved some parts more than others. I usually love when she interacts with the audience, but the relationship part was dreadful. It was all “I broke up with my significant other and I can’t go on”. Uh, I can’t relate to that at all. Those whole hours were pointless to me. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to pay for it next year.

Some people hated the political stuff but I was fine with that. I’m going to see her speak this Saturday. YAY!  It’ll probably be 70% political and 30% spiritual. I’m taking the only 3D book I have of hers with me. I doubt she’ll sign it because she’s not supposed to be signing books. It’s a worth a try.

I bought this dress from Lyon + Post for Los Angeles:


I paid $5.00 for it because I had credits. It was also on sale. I don’t have that color. Mine is a bluish color. I’m not wearing it as a dress. Whenever I do wear it, I will wear it with black leggings. If I take it to LA, I will probably wear it to see Gabby. But I’m not sure yet. I have lots of clothing options. I love fashion!

I think I’m calling to make an appointment to see a new psychiatrist one day this week. Maybe tomorrow. I’m nervous. But I think my doctor being hurt and people have been saying things that lead me to believe NOW IS THE TIME to change doctors. I really believe the universe is telling me to make an appointment. I hope I can get one before mid-February.

I gotta go work on some financial stuff. ::crossing fingers:: Fun times. Bye!

Bridges burn, I never learn


1 day until Marianne Williamson’s NYE retreat (via live stream)

9 days until I see Marianne Williamson LIVE

23 days until I see (and meet!!) Gabby Bernstein in LA

I have to say one thing about Marianne’s live stream. I had no idea the times on the website were pacific standard time. lol. Of course, it would be. It’s taking place in LA! Anyway, the start time for Friday will be 10:30PM for me. I will be barely awake at that time. I was planning on taking notes and things throughout the whole retreat. Uh, probably not happening on Friday night. The good thing is that I will be able to see everything else live this weekend because I will be home since it all takes place during the afternoon and night.

Ugh. I look like I’m 6 months pregnant and I haven’t even been eating that much because lack of Abilify took my appetite away. This birth control definitely doesn’t agree with me. But hey, it stopped the bleeding which is more than I could ask for. So I’m staying on for at least a year. Maybe a little less. I don’t need BC so I’m not planning on trying anything after I get off this. I just wanted to stop my period, but I can’t have everything, I guess. ::sobs:: I’m going to be stuck with my period forever. Why have a period for no reason?

I’m feeling much better now that I’m back on Abilify. My appetite still isn’t really back, but I can eat so no complaints. I’m not looking forward to going off again. I get back from LA around midnight on January 21. Do I dare slowly wean myself off starting on January 22?

I’m getting excited about Los Angeles even though I shouldn’t be going. LOL. I have a much better itinerary then what I posted last time. I’m not going to the beach on that Friday. Here is a rough itinerary as of today:

Friday: Griffith Observatory (all afternoon/evening)

Saturday: downtown LA (morning), Gabby Bernstein (afternoon/evening)

I know that doesn’t sound great to a lot of people. But I would be very happy to get to do just those things. Downtown LA is a lot. I want to explore all of downtown in about 4 hours. Btw, I’m so scared to find out how far the Observatory is from my hotel. I know I would probably not plan to go if I knew how much an Uber would cost. So I’m not checking for now because I really want to shut that place down. 🙂 It closes at 10 PM.

I kind of want to go to In-N-Out Burger. We don’t have one here. I should have my appetite back fully by then.  It is very close to the hotel/airport. I just don’t know when to go. There are so many food options. I definitely don’t need to go to In-N-Out.

As long as I make it to LA *on time*, I’ll be fine. When I went to Oaxaca City, there was a plane malfunction and I was stuck in Mexico City for a night. I had to get a hotel.  Then on my way back from Vegas, I missed my connecting flight. But that wasn’t a huge deal since it was on the back. I’m not going to be in LA long so there’s no time for delays. I can’t stand hearing about planes turning around or flight delays right now. It makes me anxious. What if I miss Gabby? I’ll die!

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8):  Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, Demi Lovato, Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande, City High, Julia Michaels, Laura Marling

I have a like/love relationship with Taylor Swift’s music. It should be hate/love because some of her albums I hate. But her latest album I’m loving which is a shock to me. I was so disappointed when I first heard it.

My top 17 albums of 2017 is coming in January. 😉

TV of the week:  The Crown, The Jump, House Hunters, basketball

Movie of the week: none

Podcasts of the week:  The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes, All In With Chris Hayes, The Lively Show, Mentally Chill, Don’t Freak Out

Books of the week: 

Now reading –

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Besides “attending” the Marianne New Year’s retreat, I’m taking my mom out to eat for her birthday and that’s about it.

Oh, wait. I thought that was all, but I just found out that I’m working overtime this weekend. I wanted to say NO so bad, but I really need the money. It’s cold and my electric bill is going to be sky high so I have to work the OT. I hate winter. Last winter was mild so I figured this winter was going to suck and so far I’m right. My house is so cold, I feel like I may as well be outside.

I feel bad for the homeless people. We have at least one shelter that opens at 7PM. But you need a referral (??) and they don’t give out food. I hope everyone can fit. I have no idea how big the place is.

It’s going to be so cold on NYE, Kool & The Gang canceled their concert!! I like Kool & The Gang and thought that would be a nice concert, but there is NO WAY I would want to be out at midnight on NYE in the cold. I didn’t know it was going to be this cold. And I think the people in NYC are nuts for waiting for the ball to drop in the freezing cold. Nothing could make me stand out there.

Have I mentioned how much I hate the cold? Maybe I should go on? I need to move somewhere warm all the time, but there aren’t that many options in the US. Texas is one option I kind of like. For now, I want to stay in the States. Later on, I would consider leaving the US.

Thanks so much for checking in. Have a great weekend! 🙂

I’m back on Abilify

The title says it all. I was off Abilify for 23 days. It wasn’t the mental side effects. It was the physical side effects or withdrawal.  I felt physically sick and that kind of led to depression. I hate feeling sick. I just can’t deal. Anyway, I’m only back on the Abilify because I need to feel “normal” to go to Los Angeles. When I was throwing up one day last week, I knew wouldn’t be able to enjoy my trip.

I guess I should list the symptoms so I know what to look forward to when I go off again. I felt very nauseous especially after I ate. I didn’t have much of an appetite but I forced myself to eat. Maybe I should not have eaten as much. I have to eat lunch because I need to take my birth control at the same time every day. Next time I will eat less. I need to mention I also had muscle cramps.

It’s hard to describe how I feel/felt. Basically, I feel like crap.  I just started Abilify on Friday. Now I’m waiting to feel physically better. I’m surprised I don’t feel more depressed. I don’t feel very motivated. I was supposed to take my test for Chapter 10 today and I’m not doing it.

I’m not upset to be back on Abilify because I know I need it to have a good time in LA. If only I knew I was going somewhere before I stopped Abilify. I could have saved myself from debilitating nausea, digestive issues, a bad mood (sometimes), and muscle craps, and horrible mornings. Oh well. I’m going off Abilify again. So this is what I have to look forward to! 😉

Off topic: My dog is glued to me. He is so clingy! It is annoying. I feel bad because I haven’t taken him to the park since Wednesday. I knew I couldn’t walk that far without throwing up.

Forget being on topic. I have a $60 credit from Lyon & Post (THANK YOU!). I ordered two things to try on for Los Angeles. LA averages about 68 degrees in January. Of course, I don’t need anything new but since I have credit, why not? I’m not taking a lot of clothes since I’m only going for a weekend. I have to pack very light because I need to pack 4 copies of Gabby’s hardback book on the way back. I might leave one book in LA.

I’m just waiting to feel better. Next time I’m going to taper off Abilify slowly. According to some people, that doesn’t really help, but I’ll try it. I’m thinking about trying a new psychiatrist. But I’m scared. With my doctor recovering from an injury, it would be the perfect time to try someone new. I’m probably going to make an appointment for someone in February next week.

I’m going to post my planner spread here since I’m updating on Sunday.


Well, I’m going to go.