Helena Beat

I’m off tomorrow. Yay! But with all of this stuff going on, I sort of wish I was working. I just need access to my work email since I WILL BE working from home in 5-6 weeks. I am choosing to say “will be” because I do believe your thoughts control your destiny. (That’s tough with depression but anyway…) I refuse to believe that this will fall through. So in this post I will act as if.

I was HAPPY when I found out. So freakin’ happy. You have no idea what a relief this is. I have to talk about the negative things for one second. Mentally that place is killing me. It is getting worse daily.

Positive things about working from home:

*I’m looking forward to taking less medicine. Without working around people, I won’t need to take my anxiety meds. I can skip it like I do on the weekends. Yes! Less money spent on medicine and also saving trips to the pharmacy. I will continue to take my anti-depressant, of course.

*I get to eat a healthy breakfast. Yogurt and fruit. I don’t eat a real breakfast now for many reasons (time, nausea etc.)

*Hopefully I get to have a nice office. My office will be in my bedroom and it needs a lot of work but with the help of my mom, I think we can fix up my old desk. I brought that desk for about $500, 10 years ago just to build credit. Right now I have a TV on it and a bunch of junk. It is unusable as a desk as of today.

*No more BS. OMG! This is supposed to be positive. But I dread going into that office 90% of the time. It wasn’t always like that.

*I get to save money by saving gas, not buying clothes, and not needing to fill my prescriptions as often.

*Right now we have no overtime. But if we ever get it back, I will do at least 8 hours a week. (if allowed). I will use all this money for putting my house on the market/saving a down payment.

*I’m confident I will work better. I know I will work faster. I always work faster alone but I’m also trying to get better. I have a hard time concentrating in my current work environment.

*No &%^ing people.

*I get to watch Morning Joe (MSNBC 6AM-9AM EST) every morning. That is the best news show on TV. If you haven’t watched it, do yourself a favor.

*I can listen to any music or podcast I want without having to worry about whether the person in the next cubicle can hear it.

*I will look forward to getting out of the house more and yes, even being around people. There is a volunteer opportunity involving animals that I’m interested in. I’m calling them next week.

I can probably go on. There will be things I miss…like the building. LOL. I love that building. I will still go there to workout occasionally but it won’t be the same.

I’m so thankful. I feel so blessed for this opportunity. I just need to get through these days. There have been so many times during the past 3-4 months when I wanted to give a two week notice. Basically working at home will save my health. The End.

House full of empty rooms

I was going to erase my last entry. It is harsh but I do feel that way when they act that way. So why should I erase it? To act like I’m above that kind of thinking? No.

Check out my brand new bag:

Kathy Van Zeeland bag

I swear it looks better and larger in person. It is a true bohemian chic bag. I love it. I really didn’t want to buy it. But a Kathy bag for $14 = BARGAIN.  Even the cashier was shocked at the price. “Wow, what a markdown” Yes my lucky day. I will switch my bags weekly now. I usually only buy bags when the other one is so worn out. My other bag (Nine West – on sale) I brought 3 months ago and it is in good shape despite me dragging it everywhere for the past 3 months.

I was just supposed to buy socks. That’s all. But I browsed the purses as I always do. Most of the time I do not leave with a purse.

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I don’t usually watch the State of the Union address. I know the state of the union. Plus the media leaks stuff in advance. I usually just watch the news the next day. But since I’ve been watching 75% of the Republican debates, I’m really following politics again. I have Daily Kos delivered to my kindle daily. I read it every morning while drinking my coffee. I watch MSNBC way too much. I will watch the State of the Union address…or at least I will try. I like the debates better because they are a little less scripted.

I’m fascinated by the republican primaries. I’m still shocked Santorum isn’t getting more votes. He is the conservative of all conservatives. Google some of the things this man has said.  Jaw dropping. I guess he doesn’t have enough money to compete with Romney and he doesn’t have the name to compete with Newt.

Who will win in November? I have no idea. I really think the republican nominees are too far right to win the general election. You would think there would be at least one moderate. (Well I believe Romney is a closeted moderate so…) I don’t know. Politics is a lot like sports for me. It’s entertainment. But if the “wrong” people win, there could be some fucked up stuff happening. I happen to be thinking of what Romney will do to people making under $20,000. Their taxes will skyrocket. I think that is just wrong. I could go on but that is what sticks out most in my mind from reading their tax plans over the weekend.

Well I’ve done my nightly chores. Going to read and watch MSNBC all night. Oh yeah, and try to sleep. I didn’t do a good job of that last night.

Living the scared life

OH SHIT! It has hit the fan at work. Everything was going…okay. But remember nothing stays the same. Um, did a 360 have to happen? I’ve dealt with 180s. C’mon WTF did I do to deserve this? Let me back up: This is not about me losing my job. Thank Buddha. It has nothing to do with that.

It is social crap. That sounds like nothing. However, I am terrified to go to work on Monday. I keep wondering if terrified is the right word. But I think it is….social anxiety is about fearing social situations. Yep, I’m “irrationally” terrified.

I just wish all of this hadn’t happen on a Friday. I’m trying to not let it ruin my weekend but it probably already has. FUCK. Why did I let them see me scared? Why did I runaway? “Never let them see you sweat”. Well I’m fucked up so sweating is what I do. I don’t know how to fake it. I wear everything on my sleeves. Everything. I try not to. I really do. %^#&

So basically I’m screwed. I want to take this time to take my anger out on my coworkers.

JENx:

YOU LIAR! You are so fake and political. But I know you and that bugs you. Being a liar doesn’t even bother you. I won’t bring your religion into this. (ROFL). You are just a mean girl. I hope you don’t act this way at  home or I feel bad for your kids and all your family members. FUCKING LIAR. I wish you had gotten the job you applied for. I really do.

CLAx

I haven’t done shit to you. What did I do to you? Don’t you feel anything for messing with a person who hasn’t done anything to you? WTF happened? Will you come to your senses? I never thought you would bond over gossiping but I guess you are only like everyone else.  I can’t wait until you work at home or don’t have to sit at your desk all day…whichever comes first. You are helping making my life hell. (Once again I will not bring religion into this).

ANx

We are far from friends but please don’t let them kill me on Monday. Please. I know you owe me nothing. So…forget it. I’m screwed.

I will be studying my Buddhist texts and I might even pray! There is a light here…Eventually they (and me) will be working at home so I won’t have to deal with this. But I don’t know WHEN. It isn’t like we have dates or anything. I’m not counting on going home anytime soon. But I want the first two people I listed at home ASAP. I’ll stay in the office. Whatever.

Well I have to go to my house and clean it. Slowest process ever.  I’m also going to Best Buy to use my Best Buy gift card. Can’t you feel my excitement?

I had to get this out.

Another world

Since I received my Kindle something strange has happened. I’m reading again! Well I never really stopped but I have read THREE books in 2012….so far.  I haven’t read that much since high school. I love the comfort of being still and just holding the Kindle with one hand. So relaxing. Also it is easier to read anytime, anywhere. Love it. Love it. Love it.

The only thing I don’t like is the non-renewal of library books. Okay fine don’t let us renew but can we keep the book for 21 days instead of 14? The problem is with the “holds”. I already had a book checked out and then a popular book that I had a hold on became available last night so I had to grab it…or risk not getting it for a while. So now I have to read two books in 14 days. That doesn’t seem like a bad problem to have. But I really hate starting a book and not being able to finish. So I will be doing a lot of reading for the next two weeks.

When school starts back up (in Mid-May) I know I won’t read for enjoyment as much. I already have it planned out how I will use my Kindle as a study aid. I will type my notes (as I always do) and then place the notes on my kindle so I can study anywhere. So I better enjoying my  leisure reading now. It won’t last.

To reiterate – I love how I read like I’m a teenager again. You know how you feel a hobby isn’t what it used to be? That is how I felt with reading. I never stopped loving it but I would do other things (like surf the net) over reading.

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AVON (All I have been doing is cleaning my house, working, reading and Avon). So I met with the woman I mentioned in my  last entry, OMG. She put the F in friendly.Needless to say that I didn’t match up to her. I’m sure I came off standoffish. SIGH.

I was tired from working all day and in shock when she asked me to sit down. I had no idea we were going to uh, TALK. I just thought I would hand her the brochure and leave. Well no. She was so excited. Don’t get me wrong, I loooooove seeing people passionate about something…even Avon. It makes me happy. But I was so  not prepared for her.

I don’t know if she will order. She wanted one of  everything. So she may…Of course I may have turned off with my “shyness”. Then came the questions:

Are you married?

Do you have a boyfriend?

Do you go out? (to clubs, I guess)

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! no. no and no. Dear god, please don’t make me talk about that. I have no desire to do any of those things. I’m in love with music, sports (sometimes) and my Kindle. That is all I need.

She was watching Kim and  Koutney Take New York which gave her extra points in my book. That reminds me that I am at  least two episodes behind. I need to catch the marathon at the right time.

If she orders, I will be shocked. She seems really interested in selling. I wouldn’t mind getting her set up with that.

I have two consistent customers. One spends about $200 a month on Avon. The other anywhere from $10 – $20 a month. I’m fine with that.

So this pretty much covers what I have been doing. Oh yeah, tonight I may cook chicken parmarsen again, using the same recipe. I do want to try different things but I really love how it came out so why not do it at least once more?

My top albums of 2011

Here is the my top albums of 2011 list that I stressed over way too much.

Oh and I did two things on my 100 things I want to do before I die by taking the cooking class and being drunk in public. Two things in one night. Awesome.

send the pain below

ARGH! Avon frenzy. FUCK. Okay, why don’t I just stop selling it? Because every time I plan to, someone calls or gives me a big order. I’m so unorganized. And I don’t care about Avon – LOL- as much as others do. So why am I selling it? Why am I doing anything in my life? Nothing is what I want. Things just fall into my lap and I just do it (or avoid it). Sigh.

Tomorrow I’m meeting this new woman. I’m giving her a few brochures. The problem is I told her AFTER noon. She thought I said “around noon“. So what do I do? Go at noon and be about 15 minutes late back to work from lunch or wait until I get off? ^$%^ I hate this. If I had her email, I would just email her but I’m not calling. I talked to her more than I’ve talked to anyone other than my mom on the phone today. SO…

Gotta decide that. I probably won’t decide it until I get to work. Then she wants me to leave some brochures at a popular high school! OMG. If these students order, I hope they email me. I. don’t. do. phones. well. ^&%# Am I in over my head or what?

Expletive. Expletive. I need to get organized and take Avon seriously. I think this is just until Valentine’s Day so *whew*, not a long term thing.

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KARMA

The same thing that JNx did to me is happening to her son. And just like JNx did the person is lying about it. Karma or coincidence? I believe in karma, some people don’t. But I see it every single day. Some people have faith in God. I have faith in karma. I couldn’t believe it. Isn’t that weird? What she did to me is happening to her son………………… WOW. Interesting.

Does she put the two together? I bet the answer is NO. rofl. Gotta love people.

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I’m slightly overwhelmed. I did do one whole hour of OT on Monday. Woohoo! Overtime will probably be done in February so I’m just doing a few hours. I wanted to stay today but I was sort of fed up with work (not the people).

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I had sweets and high fructose corn syrup today. Not soda but close enough. Yum!

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I have to post some Kindle anecdote every time I blog. Someone got a Kindle for Christmas and only used it once and put it back in the box! That’s abuse. I was outraged when I heard this but what can I do? Is there a kindle abuse number? I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mention what happened to my kindle. Don’t worry, it is still working. But I hit it on something and the screen is 100% fine but there is a scratch on the bottom part. It is too close to the screen. Trust me, I am worried. I can’t live without a kindle now. If it were to break, I would get a new one ASAP.

My kindle was a gift. I do not have the receipt. As far as I know it is in the trash. So I don’t know if I would get the discount that other people with Kindle problems have.

Typing that out breaks my heart. I love my kindle. I want him to be mine and safe forever (or for at least 3 years).

I did not intentionally abuse him! Please don’t report me.

Cactus In The Valley

Diet/way of eating: It is going okay. The best thing I got out of the 17 Day Diet book is drinking green tea. I don’t drink sodas anymore! Finally. I always felt too old to drink sodas but I couldn’t come up with a decent alternative. That book convinced me that anything is better than drinking sodas. I wish I enjoyed drinking water because my diet is severely lacking that.

I also eat less sweets than before but the cravings aren’t gone. I’m sure that the 3-5 pounds I lost probably came back. But my new rules are: No sodas, no fast food, and limiting sweets. When the diet was new, I ate no sweets. Once the novelty wore off, I wanted my sweets. So I may eat something once a week. The only time this is really hard is when I want to work extra hours at work and I know something sweet will make me stay longer. LOL.

One of my goals is to make myself do overtime during the week. On the weekends, I’m going to get my house ready to sell. That is a lot of work. Anyway, the environment at work has been the problem. Why would I want to stay one second longer than I have to? MONEY? I have never been motivated by money. But I do hate debt and I want to buy a new house/townhouse so shouldn’t that be a motivator? Ideally it should be….

Not to mention how tired I am…I’m going to try to work an extra hour or two at least 3 days a week this week. I would plan to do it all on Friday afternoon but who knows what might come up? So I need to space it out.

Speaking of Friday afternoons – I went to my cooking class this past Friday. I drank red and white wine. I had no idea how strong it would be. It didn’t even taste that good! But it was drinkable. Yeah, I kind of was drunk. It wasn’t a bad way to spend a Friday night. PEOPLE WERE THERE! OMG! Initially I was very tense but for a person with social anxiety, it wasn’t that bad. Once the wine sank in, I even laughed at someone’s joke! He was extremely extroverted. Normally these people make me uncomfortable in group settings but with wine he was tolerable. I totally get why people are alcoholics but that is another entry.

The cooking part wasn’t so good. We had an awesome chef but since I’m a novice, I needed more of a beginner’s class. I need a “How to boil water” class. We were in groups of four that formed naturally – thank g-d. I managed to NOT make eye contact with anyone besides the chef. Even wine can’t help me there.

The food:  We made four dishes. I did get hands on experience while some people shied away from that. I actually did stuff! I only liked the vegetarian lasagna. Loved it. I will never try fish tacos again. The chicken breast was too tough. I could barely chew it. Oh I did like the devil food cake, of course. Sweets!

I probably won’t do it again. Like I said it isn’t a bad way to spend an afternoon but it isn’t cheap. It did make me want to cook. I wanted to make the vegetable lasagna, but a food processor is needed and I don’t have one so I went on the net surfing for other things. I made baked chicken parmesan last night! The chicken breasts came out amazingly perfect. The only thing that would have made it better is probably using salt. Everything I used was salt free so I thought it came out a little bland but my mom who is used to eating salt free, loved it.

Before baking:

before pic

Too much cheese??? I really don’t know. I didn’t measure it.

Finished product:

after

Recipe:

I didn’t do everything the recipe said to do but I followed most of it. The croutons are the key part. You must try this if you like to cook. So all in all, I’m glad I went to the class, I never would have randomly decided to try chicken parmesan without the class. I think my next thing will be baked fish.

Well I have to go. I didn’t get a chance to blog about how I took my kindle to Walmart to see the other Kindles. He (my kindle) wanted to know why the other kindles were locked up. “How can they breathe?” “Are they okay without books?”. I had no answers to his questions. Walmart was out of iPads and very low on Kindles. They need to reorder. I must admit that iPad looked nice. I know I would love it but I don’t need one (lol – of course) since I have a laptop. But I wouldn’t turn down one. After reading the reviews on the Kindle Fire, I have decided it probably isn’t worth the money. But I love my kindle keyboard.

Oh, I have to go. Laundry, prescriptions, cleaning, etc.

Enough for always

wish I was there

I wanted to type some text before posting these pics but I messed the whole thing up. Anyhow, these photos were taken in August 2011.  (I know – late). It was 95 degrees. I’m still a little bitter about spending $8.00 on visiting the “garden” that day. It was so small. I love nature but I can go to the park for free. I expected to get lost in flowers but all I was, was hot, sweaty and walking around in circles seeing everything twice. At least I got some decent pics.

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In my past entry I mentioned not having a smartphone but wanting one. I googled (and binged) everything. The only solution seemed to be “buy an overpriced smartphone with monthly payments and a two year contract”. Well that is not feasible for me. However, while reading the latest issue of PC Magazine on my kindle, I think I found a solution. Unfortunately the solution costs $199 so I won’t be buying it for me but someone else may find this info helpful.

If you want  a smartphone without the phone part, the answer is Samsung Galaxy 4.0 Android MP3 Player. The name is a little misleading to me. If I saw that, I would think “Um, I don’t need a MP3 player!!” Forget the Mp3 part. It can do everything a smartphone does…well except dial out.

Surf the Internet, take photos, play games, and carry your music, videos, and other media wherever you go with the Samsung Galaxy Player 4.0. Powered by Android 2.3.5, the player features a 1 GHz processor, a 4-inch Super Clear LCD touchscreen, and front- and rear-facing cameras. It also gives you access to over 250,000 apps including games, productivity software, and more..

*DROOL* That would be perfect for me!! Did I read “250,000 apps”???! ::dies::  That is exactly what I was looking for. It sounds to good to be true. About the camera: it has horrible reviews so if you plan on taking a lot of pics – don’t buy this gadget. The main drawback for me is that it still doesn’t have 3G. SCREAM. It only connects via wifi. I don’t know about everyone else but we don’t have Wi-fi at work. So I wouldn’t be able keep up with the news, for example.

I love gadgets. I used to know about every new thing. Anyhow, unless I can pay for it in monthly payments (with no interest), I will not be getting the Samsung Galaxy. Sounds like a dream though.

I feel guilty for even thinking about another device, when I have my one week old Kindle. By the way, I just checked out my first electronic library book today! I have to finish it in two weeks. Overdrive (name of the website) does not allow renewing. But if no one else is waiting for it, I can just check it out again. My local library doesn’t have a ton of books but it is enough so that I shouldn’t have to keep running to the library. I have about 20 books on my Kindle so far. All but one was free.

I feel silly even typing this but…this kindle thing is overwhelming. In a good way. I know bad overwhelming. But now it is like I want to hoard  electronic books. And I keep thinking about all the 3D books I have to read. Some are mine, some are library books. Do I have time to read on my kindle when I have “real” books to read? I know this sounds nuts. And all I have to do is finish the 3D books first and then I wouldn’t “worry” about it. But I want to use my kindle. Of course I do – it is new to me. See how insane this is!

I keep going in circles in my mind. Why am I reading PC Monthly or an Ebook when I have borrowed 3D books to read? What the #$%^ is wrong with me?

I have issues.

always been a quitter

I’m in love with my Kindle. I’m going to blog about it two days in a row. I found something even more dangerous than books….APPS! I didn’t know the Kindle Keyboard AKA Kindle 3 had apps. I brought 4 yesterday. 3 were .99 and 1 was 1.99. I didn’t go to nuts. The best one is the calender because the two days before I got the Kindle, I was searching everywhere for an electronic scheduler/calender. Everything came back to “get a smartphone”. LOL. Well I can’t afford a smart phone with the monthly payments. So I started looking for PDAs. How old school is that? I was desperate.

The second best app is the notepad. Everything below the line in this post is what I typed during my lunch break, using the notepad app. Love it. I got it for doing my grocery lists. But now I can quickly blog anytime I want. I also brought Scrabble and a yoga app.

When I said the Kindle 3 was a tad slow, I was referring to going to websites. Of course it is slow. Mine doesn’t have 3G! This probably won’t be my last Kindle post. It seems like everyone got a kindle or nook for Xmas. Yay for e-readers!

One bad thing: I broke down and brought a cover for my kindle. $30. THEN I found a headphone case that fits my Kindle perfectly!!! UGH! Amazon already shipped the cover so I’m going to keep it but I really wished I would have realized that my kindle could fit into the damn headphone case. I just don’t want to scratch the screen. I don’t need anything fancy. Oh well.

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(This is what I typed during lunch after reading a chapter from a 3D book).

If I quit my job, it might seem brave to others but I’m a known quitter. I give up when I know I can’t succeed. I didn’t join the army because I knew I would not pass basic training. I don’t regret this because I know I would have failed that. Even today I’m 100% sure that I couldn’t have done it. For a perpetually confused person, I know some things about myself. I know what I can do and can’t do.

I do runaway a lot though. I’m the queen of avoidance. That is my form of quitting. So if I quit my job, I would be giving into avoidance. That is not the only reason why I haven’t quit though. The real reason (besides basic fear) is social anxiety and what would I do next? it isn’t like I have some secret dream job. I don’t have any talent. Etc. etc, I mean I have a ton of interests but that is it. And most of the things I would really consider pays near minimum wage or less than what I make now. An example would be a job working with animals I’ve done my research on the pay of those jobs.

So yes I currently hate my job – except when I can do it alone in a quiet room. I dread getting up in the morning. My work and life is suffering. But at this point, I don’t think quitting is the answer.

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I went to yoga yesterday. We had the regular teacher back. I was not impressed. Plus her class was too beginner…even for me. The teacher also said, “I feel like I’m  teaching an advanced class” so I wasn’t the only one in the wrong place. I’ve taken 3 classes at this gym for $20. I’ve gotten my money’s worth. I don’t know what I will do next. Everyone says beginning yoga lasts for a year…at least. Well not at this gym. If I can find a good time for “fitness yoga”, I would like to try that. I bet that is challenging.

All Kinds of Kinds

I got a Kindle today! I would never ask for one. Of course I’m not judging others who do, everyone’s financial situation is different. Since my mom isn’t rich, I haven’t asked for anything expensive since I’ve known the value of money. One day she asked me if I knew what a Kindle was. Um, I’m a Amazon.Com fiend. I remember when they used to only sell books. When I’m on the web, 90% of the time I have a tab on Amazon.com.YES I know alllll about the Kindle.

old school kindle

I guess she heard the excitement in my voice as I explained what a Kindle was. And I was lucky enough to actually get one! I got the Kindle Keyboard. I really thought they had stopped making these so imagine my shock when I see a Kindle with a freaking keyboard. Hmm, I wonder how long are they are going to make these. Hopefully long enough for me to buy a $30 cover for it – yes that is the cheapest.

The downside is that there is no 3G on my Kindle. I don’t need to download a book or newspaper 24/7. However, since I don’t have a smartphone, it would be so nice to be able to Google anywhere. When my car broke down, it would have been really useful to have google to look up locations (and book a cheaper hotel). If/when my GPS is stuck in the car, then I’m lost. I wish this Kindle was the answer.

But the good thing is that I can go into a Barnes & Nobles (Nook, anyone?), McDonalds, Starbucks, some malls, etc to use their wireless.

I’ve been using it all day. Now I’m overwhelmed. LOL. I have 3D books to read. I have about a stack of 6 books to read. Uh, when am I ever going to get to the Kindle? Crime and Punishment and a book of Buddhist quotes were my first downloads. Both were free. I read 80% of Crime and Punishment about 8 years ago. I’ve been meaning to finish it for years. I loved it but school got in the way.

I will never stop reading 3D books….as long as libraries and sites like booksfree.com exist. The Kindle will allow me to always have a (much slimmer) book on me. Except when I forget and leave it at home….just like I do with a regular book!  I still leave my cellphone at home at least twice a month.

Obviously this isn’t a review. I just got it and I had to blog about it. It is heavier and a tad slower than I thought. However, most people will get a Kindle Touch and those two issues don’t exist with those versions. I keep wanting to touch my screen but I don’t have a Kindle Touch.

I love that it isn’t just for books. I can finally subscribe to newspapers and magazines and NOT have an issue with clutter. I also love that I can clip quotes. I’m a quote collector so this is awesome. I haven’t figured out how to use this feature yet but I need it for my Buddhist book.

Another thing I love is being able to carry .PDF files on it. I assume I will be able to transfer work related PDF documents to my Kindle. I will figure all this out eventually.

I’m sorry for this ramble. This probably makes no sense.  I’m tired. Plus I’m watching a NBA game and trying to listen to a podcast at the same time. #multitasking

Whew. I just checked the gym’s website and yoga is still on for tomorrow, Then Tuesday is back to work.