on the edge

I was depressed all last week. Something else bad happened on Saturday. I somehow got out of bed & to work this morning. How? By not acknowledging or dealing with any of the effects of the bad stuff. Since my water tank burst, I pretty sure I have mold growing in my house. What am I doing about it:

NOTHING.

I don’t even want to mention what happened on Saturday. Let’s just say it is car related and it cost me money. My plan was to hire someone to deal with this avalanche. But everyday something costly happens so guess what?

I GIVE UP. YOU WIN.

lol. mold. I don’t care. Whateves. What’s next? Whatever it is I’m not dealing with it.

—————-
I’ve never been a Vince Young fan. It has nothing to do with him playing for the Titans. I’ve followed him since college. No, I don’t know him but I did see a short documentary on him…It didn’t change my indifference.

However, now I find myself rooting for him. I would root for the Titans to go to the Superbowl but I’m a Baltimore Ravens fan and they are fighting for a playoff spot. If the Ravens don’t make it, I’m rooting for Tennessee all the way. Why?

Because people wrote him off and called him crazy. Maybe he had a breakdown for ONE day. Have all these naysayers never had a bad day when then just wanted to escape? I envy those people.

I’m so happy for him. He heard what everyone was saying about his mental state and his playing ability. Yet he did not cave under pressure (I think a lot of people would). He is playing better. He didn’t give up. Viva, Vince Young. Thanks for proving them wrong.

And kudos to the Tennessee Titans owner (Bud Adams) who flipped everyone off, I would have done the same thing. The coach didn’t even believe in Vince. Every time I see that footage, I laugh. ha! I’m not usually one for public rude gestures but this was warranted…and he was running on adrenaline.

buddha, my love

my buddha statue

I teach one thing and one only:
that is, suffering and the end of suffering. -Sutta Nipata

AI’s retirement

I haven’t accepted it yet. I’m glad I got to see him play, even if it was a charity game. I’m pretty sure that will continue and I’ll get to see him one more time.

AI w/ the 2 youngest & wife

I hope he won’t go into hiding. Although I could understand that. He has five kids and a wife. He has enough money to never work again (confirmed by him – I know a lot of athletes go broke). I’m happy for him in that way. But selfishly I want him on a team. Damn the Knicks! They would rather tank it develop their players then fill Madison Square Garden. What about the Bobcats? Does Michael Jordan have something to do with him not playing there? Ugh, I’ve never liked him.

I don’t think his playing days are over. He is very popular overseas. His wife is open to living overseas. I think she likes Italy and he was there this past summer. (He is really close with his family. He would not go anywhere without them). Iverson could pick any them he wanted.

I don’t want to read ‘analysts’ analyzing his retirement. Most of the articles will be full of negativity. I remember the good. He is my 3rd favorite player of all time. He will be missed.

is it just me?

Has anyone/everyone notice that when you proclaim you want to change, the universe throws all kinds of shit at you? My water heater burst yesterday for god sakes!

So what does that mean? NEVER ANNOUNCE A CHANGE!

lol. ever.

I will simply post this icon & proceed w/ life…

& then you die

I’m fucked up right now. lol. I was going to say “I’m trying”…but wtf am I really doing? read my tweets (sidebar) to find out what really is going on. And I’m currently feeling physically & mentally sick. I don’t have meds due to me having to actually having to go to the pharmacy so…

but I thought I would post this button now and expand on it later. my computer is not being good right now.

people still must die on fridays

I’m not going anywhere…ANYWHERE..as long as I’m @ work surrounded by those people.

Yes I know my part. I study buddhism so I know.

the negativity there is like a glass ceiling. A stopper.

I’ve tried (and still trying) to change myself so that I’m stuck in the cycle. But no one can tell me how. I explain the situation & they say ‘you aren’t saying anything or doing anything’. Not helping.

ugh. if i didn’t have social anxiety, I wouldn’t have this problem or if people understood it (which is where the some of the anger comes from).

I can’t change those two things.

no god is going to save me b/c that is impossible. a god could’ve not given me SA in the 1st place but then I how would i suffer?

starting over

My new life starts tomorrow…yes on a Friday unfortunately.

I’m not telling anyone what I’m doing. Example: Avon. I have gotten negative reactions when they don’t even know why I started w/Avon. Well Avon is leading me in other directions and I’ve learned my lesson.

DON’T TELL ANYONE ANYTHING.

I should know that by now.
—————–
Do your thing (whatever that is).

Don’t feed off of negativity. Don’t spread it, dwell in it or live iit.

If I can find my purpose, anyone can.

————–
Tony Robbins, who

30 rock was so funny tonight. I haven’t seen all the episodes or even half but this one was definitely the best ep. It hit all cylinders. I only tune in once every 3 weeks because Alec Baldwin is on the show.

I’m too tired to go save the world right now so bye.

life in early 2006

January 6, 2006

Sigh. Why oh Why. Every Friday is like “Is this the end?” Living in fear. And I’m disgusted w/myself also. At least I could act right. Being pissed at others and pissed at myself = horrible, horrible, horrible. What really kills me is that 5 years from now, I fear feeling the same way I do now. I need solutions. I am always saying this like a broken record. Frustration.

February 25, 2006

I am beyond screwed. I keep rambling in my online journal. It isn’t helping. I feel like I need another journal. This book is so obvious. I need a book cover. OK.

I need solutions.

1. Alcohol
2. Stronger meds
3. Therapy
4. Group therapy

freak out

Someone called me from out of state about Avon! I’ve been uneasy since I got the message. And no, I haven’t called her back. I couldn’t do it at work (due to what I was doing). I could do it right now…but it is long distance. And I have no idea what she wants. No clues in the phone call. At first I was convinced that she wanted to be a rep until I realized she was calling from 10 hours away!

So I’m guessing she is interested in ordering from my website. I will call her back. I feel like a loser waiting until tomorrow (during lunch) but that is best for me. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I wish she would’ve emailed me if she just had ONE question like, “What is the free gift?” This leads me to believe this is something different. Something I may not be prepared for…

If I can’t do this, should I give up my coupon idea? (I was planning to put a local coupon in a newspaper like thing that will be seen by at least 10,000 people. Yes it costs money). That will bring tons of local customers but then I have to deal with them.

hjgggggguk

Maybe. No, I KNOW I’m not ready for selling. That is so anti my personality. I hate bugging people hence the coupon idea. I want people who are interested to come to me. I don’t have therapy until December. ROFL. I never thought I would want to go to talk to a therapist NOW.

In conclusion, I feel like a loser for not calling her back tonight. I have to get that thought out of my mind. This whole situation also reminds me that I’M NOT READY. And it sucks to feel that way.

proud to be me bitches

ugh, why do people think nothing wrong is with gossiping? Because everyone else does it? Get a life. Read a book. Plan a trip you may never go on. Daydream. Think (what a concept). Watch “The City” on MTV (you have to!). Sorry, it is just mind boggling that people say they are good….yet they trash others. I’m not talking about people who don’t go on the “I’m so good” trip.

Annoying. Yes, I’m a broken record. Next.

Anyone would look nice compared to me. I’m not a people person. NEVER WILL BE. No matter how much you DEMAND me to be. Stop being so pushy and non accepting. The end.
———

********BREAKING NEWS************

I had actual human contact! I handed an Avon booklet to a cashier! Woohooo. Avon, has made me do something. I was in the express line so it was easy. Usually I get so uncomfortable standing in long lines that I the last thing I want to do is be um, friendly (like you want me to be) to the cashier unless they are super chatty. lol.

In bad news, I wasted some Avon stuff by not talking to humans. Well I tried. I don’t know what to do next…

Next… in anything. I think I’m going to school in “Spring”. It’s January 2010. That’s winter, bitches! (sorry I’m on a bitches kick – no harm meant). Hopefully that means no summer school for me. And I’m wondering whether I should put money into Avon OR plan a one night overnight trip.

Long story but since I’ve been paying off my credit cards, I have 10 months interest free and I’m like, “Is this a sign from the universe?” haha. What does it mean? Nothing. I don’t think so.

Avon or something else. I’m already spending money on fixing up the house so it can’t be that. Maybe it is for my NYC trip which can’t take place until May 2010. I dunno. Maybe it means nothing. I really think it is telling me to go back to school. Hello?! It is probably obvious. The universe is saying, “I don’t care if you just spent (or will spend) $1000 on your house in the span of less than 3 months, get your ass back in school this ’spring’.

How boring.